Diezel Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 I think you really, REALLY need to take a step back and look at this objectively, or try to. I don't know why, but the single mother raised a HUGE red flag for me when you are talking about all of this. Something does NOT sit well with me about all of this and it's not the fact that she's a mother. I don't know... just something isn't, right.
Author Blaine145 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 I've been trying to and that's part of the reason I'm here now which is to get different prespectives. So if you're seeing something I'm not let me know.
Diezel Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 You don't think that a single mother who still keeps in contact with her ex's, is looking at wedding stuff and talking baby while taking out her nuva ring with a guy in less than 9 months isn't a red flag? Honestly. Maybe it's just me? 1
Author Blaine145 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 The way I look at it is we fell in love and yeah things are going quick, is it an idea situation for me? No, but when you know you love someone you know. I don't make a ton of money so she's not looking for that, I'm not a pushover so she knows she can't screw around on me and expect to keep me, she'll end up with two kids by two different fathers and no one wants that. At the most she wants a family and a good guy for her child to look up to, but what single mother doesn't. The exs are not recent both are between 5-8 years ago. They don't talk everyday and when they do it's casual With the exception of the fb post in question, but it's not like she's trying to hide it. I asked who the guy was in the picture and if they had sex and she said yes. The fact still remains that I'm not comfortable with the ex situation and I'm not budging. So time will tell I guess.
Author Blaine145 Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 Ok I know it's a bit much to read but this is how the conversation went. What do you guys think? ME:Im not saying you're wrong with keeping in touch with your exs, just that we differ in what is and isn't appropriate. This continually stresses me out because when I commit to an exclusive/ committed relationship I expect the same in return. I don't keep in touch with my exs not out of burned bridges, but because I want to bring a clean slate to my new relationship. It's not about right or wrong, that I think you'll cheat because I don't, I'm not jealous or insecure it's about compatability, values and what we expect out of each other. You need to decide what you value/ benefits you more, keeping in touch with your exs or me. I've taken on some big responsibilities and changed my social life as well. At first I didn't like it at all and then I started working on excepting that you keep in touch with them, I'm ok with it now to a point and we talked about it after oak wood bar. You agreed to limit it and not go out of your way to talk to them but when we are as serious as we are and you post a pic of you and an ex saying how fun it was that night with them.. I mean come on... HER: I'm sorry you feel that we aren't respectfully compatible. That you think id rather have exes as friends than you in my life. I've given up and changed a lot to be with you as well. Sorry I have a kid and don't have the freedom of giving you an open season of socializing and always going out type of relationship. These are guys I slept with anywhere from 4-10 years ago. People that I truly do consider friends. I am fully committed to you and have always had the upmost respect for you. I didn't think that posting a picture of me and a friend would be so upsetting. Nor did I ever think I would have to constantly be under scrutiny as to whom I talk to. This is who I am. I do not talk to them to be disrespectful to you. If you chose to cut any ties with exes then that was your choice. And I don't really consider ****ing a girl here and there to be a relationship. Especially since most of yours were last year and mine are from YEARS ago. If you seriously can't get over the fact that I talk to them then I'm not sure what to do here. Telling me to pick isn't fair since it's not like I hang out with them and blow you off to be with them. And me saying "that was a fun night" is all it was. There was nothing sexual behind it. I've also edited that comment so you don't feel as if I'm disrespecting you in public. ME:It hurt because it sucks having to feel like an ex knows you just as much/ more intimately than I do. In these situations I feel like an outsider. The only reason I'm asking you to pick is because You said you would limit it and not go out of your way to talk to your exs and hoped that when talking to them you would consider me. I have more in common with you than anyone I ever met, but there's only a small detail of your life that's the problem. I've been learning to except you talking to them, but times like this is not ok. I can't draw the line for you so I feel like there's no other way then to have you pick. If I posted a pic of Laura, Cameron and I (who wasn't just a ****) and said how fun it was with her that night you would be hurt and probably wouldn't talk to me for days if ever again.You would have some friends and possibly family asking you who that was. And explain that it's a girl I used to date and her son. I don't necessarily scrutinize who you talk to, but when you post a pic with or are talking to someone I don't know I/we have a right to ask who that is and what your relationship consisted of with that person just like you did with Ashley and the others. That's not scrutiny that's getting to know someone. HER: You're always asking me if I had sex with them. Always making me out to look like a bag of **** when it comes to this. And if you posted something with an ex who is now just a good friend, I'd be annoyed but would not blow it up into this. You want me to pick and I won't. Because it's unfair of you to ask me to chose between friends I've had for years or to pick you. When I've done nothing to make you think I'm cheating. That's controlling and isolating me
bachdude Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Blaine, you are talking out of both sides of your mouth here, "Im not saying you're wrong with keeping in touch with your exs, just that we differ in what is and isn't appropriate. This continually stresses me out because when I commit to an exclusive/ committed relationship I expect the same in return." You say you don't think she is wrong but then say you don't think she is acting appropriately and you essentially tell her she is not committed to an exclusive relationship with you. You need to take responsibility for your own emotions here. Your emotions are not her fault. Not everyone would be bothered by what she is doing. Many would be content with what she said to you. And everything she is doing is out in the open (how much more open is FB?). I think you have a right to your feelings. And I think what you are feeling deserves to be communicated to her. But I think there are a lot of undertones of blaming and finger pointing by you to her. I think there are healthier ways to communicate how you feel to her.
NJ123 Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Whenever I see stories on forums about someone still being in contact with their exes, it usually never ends well. It's usually a red flag. There's absolutely no reason in my opinion for someone to still be talking with an ex. Their called an ex for a reason, and if she keeps talking to them when she knows you don't like it, than she doesn't respect you enough.
callingyouuu Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Her: Because it's unfair of you to ask me to chose between friends I've had for years or to pick you. AKA having my exes is more important to me than your feelings are. It's up to you whether this works for what you're looking for in your relationship with the future mother of your child.
Author Blaine145 Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 @bachdude I know I'm not the best at communicating my emotions I tried my best not to point fingers by telling her its not about right or wrong just that I'm not comfortable with that sort of thing. I did try to be ok with it at first, but I don't see the logic/ reason behind posting a pic of yourself and an ex when you're in a serious relationship saying how much fun you had that night. She did not hide it and was honest when I asked so I do give her credit for that, but these are guys that are not close friends. Why is it that hard for her to let them go at the risk of losing me?
bachdude Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 (edited) @bachdude I know I'm not the best at communicating my emotions I tried my best not to point fingers by telling her its not about right or wrong just that I'm not comfortable with that sort of thing. I did try to be ok with it at first, but I don't see the logic/ reason behind posting a pic of yourself and an ex when you're in a serious relationship saying how much fun you had that night. She did not hide it and was honest when I asked so I do give her credit for that, but these are guys that are not close friends. Why is it that hard for her to let them go at the risk of losing me? A couple things... My guess is I am a bit older than you (40s) and I think I finally, after learning the hard way, have a few things figured out when communicating with women (with a lot more to learn!). First, women, by and large, are quite empathetic. If you take the approach of simply reporting your feelings without hiding behind "logic" (i.e. "I don't see the logic/ reason behind posting a pic of yourself and an ex" - we all know it isn't about sterile logic Blaine!) or blaming, you might be surprised how your partner comes around. Maybe something like this, "Sweetie, could we talk for a moment? I know these are my own feelings, I don't blame you for them, but when you post pics of you and your ex I feel ........ Could we talk about it? Do you have any thoughts? i want to work this through with you" Let her think on it, mull it over. In many, many cases, her empathy will kick in she will change her behavior, if she cares about you at all and is not selfish. But for this to happen you need to do your best to prevent her defenses from going up by blaming. Second, in my experience, many women take criticism in more deeply than guys do (a generalization, I know!) Hopefully there are no women reading this that take offence at that. But if you start into the blame game she will take it in deeply, her defenses will go up, including her own finger pointing, she will feel wronged, and the communication will have completely broken down. I see this happening with the two of you from what you posted. Once the defenses have gone up the fingers go in the ears and both are saying "la, la, la!". No one hears the other! These two little points to remember can really help, I believe. This won't be the first issue that comes up and how you approach issues can make or break the relationship. And I'm not saying you are the one mostly to blame. I see issues on both sides here. Right now her defenses are up and running and my guess is, deep down, she feels unloved. She interprets your criticism as being unloving towards her. As long as she feels that, it is going to be tough for her to see this issue objectively. Ok, I hope that helps...Best of luck. Edited January 3, 2015 by bachdude
Author Blaine145 Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 You're also very right and I'll do my best to take your advice in the future. However we did have a calm talk on the subject previously. We both agreed that she would limit the contact and not go out of her way to talk to them. I do not expect her to ignore them If they run into each other when we're out. By posting that pic she did the exact opposite of what she said. Also if they did have sex that night then that post means a hell of a lot more and if that was the case id be packing my stuff.
JuneJulySeptember Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 (edited) I've been dating someone now for about 9 months. We've recently moved in together and are actively trying to have a child so it's fair to say we are pretty serious. We love and trust each other. Lately we have been arguing about her keeping in touch with people who she's had sex with in the past. She doesn't hangout with them, but does text, call and communicate over Facebook i.e posting pictures of them hanging out. This is really the only thing we've ever argued about other than this we get along great. No I don't think she is going to cheat on me with them, but It still bothers me. I don't keep in touch with me exs out of respect for her. So here's a few questions I have about it. I feel like if this is the only thing we argue about then why continue to do it? Is keeping in touch with your exs who you claim are just friends more important than me and a healthy relationship? Is it really possible to just be friends with someone you've had sex with? When I bring it up she says I'm trying to isolate her.. I'm not a controlling person and feel like having these feelings is human nature. I don't mind if she goes out once in a while without me, I don't care if she talks to other guys. I want her to have a life outside of our relationship too. I've been trying to bite my tung, but with a recent fb post I feel like she crossed the line and I had to say something. She posted a pic of herself in a pretty revealing dress with a guy she had sex with before. She said she had a lot of fun that night and he said the same with a blushing face. Was that wrong? It's kind of sad to me that people have to cut all contact with their exes. There is one ex that I still hang out with on a friendly basis and it works out well that way, and I would love for that to continue. I've let my past girlfriend hang out with other guys before. I do understand why the people don't want their BF/GF being friends with an opposite sex person, but still. In any case, I imagine it will take care of itself once you have the child. She'll probably give up not only contact with her exes, but probably most contact with most of her friends too. That's why I say all of this 'trying to to save the friendship' ends up being moot. Once the nuclear family starts, the absolute first thing that is killed is any kind of opposite sex friendship. You'll see. Edited January 3, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember
somecamel Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 I just see red flags all over this situation and because you are so close to it you probably can't see it. Can you explain in a bit more detail what the actual photo was of?
bachdude Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 You're also very right and I'll do my best to take your advice in the future. However we did have a calm talk on the subject previously. We both agreed that she would limit the contact and not go out of her way to talk to them. I do not expect her to ignore them If they run into each other when we're out. By posting that pic she did the exact opposite of what she said. Also if they did have sex that night then that post means a hell of a lot more and if that was the case id be packing my stuff. OK....I definitely understand why you were mad! Glad you are getting it worked out, though.
Omei Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 (edited) I think you really, REALLY need to take a step back and look at this objectively, or try to. I don't know why, but the single mother raised a HUGE red flag for me when you are talking about all of this. Something does NOT sit well with me about all of this and it's not the fact that she's a mother. I don't know... just something isn't, right. I cant help but notice you often say single mothers are a red flag very often, I think you look at them maybe in a negative light, you need to realize while yes the man left for whatever reason the single woman is the one that pulled up the pants and cared for that child,(anyone who could ever leave their child imo is inable of love for another being and isnt ever relationship material ever!) or sometimes relationships dont work out staying in unhealthy relationships just for the children isnt a good thing there are many wonderful single mothers out there imo most of them are very nurturing and caring and have often learned what it is to be very unselfish. Of course there's always the crazy girl who keeps poping out kids but most of us arnt like that. Just sayin OP like I said in a past post people who don't want to let go of their backup plans often make many excuses as to why they would ever be unable to cut contact. Edited January 4, 2015 by Omei
hellischrome Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 OP it's a crap situation but at least you are getting committment from her, if you decide to trust her then it's a 100% thing. If she doesn't want to give up her ex for you maybe try not to take it personally, it just means she is more focused on herself than you are (as someone rightfully said, no right and no wrong here).
Danda Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 To me this topic isn't black and white, context is pretty significant. If she's going out in revealing clothes with other guys, with whom she's had sex, without you, and then accepting flirty ("blushing" faces) posts about it from those guys, etc - Yeah I understand why that would make you uncomfortable. If my partner had an ex or two in his FB friends list I wouldn't give a damn. If he's hanging out with them without me, posting photos of himself chilling with these women who he has ****ed before in revealing outfits and they're flirting with him that openly, hell yeah that'd give me a negative feel. I'm not even touching the kid topic. I'd probably get a heavy wrist slap from a mod lol with how strongly I feel about that sort of thing, and my lack of brain/mouth filter.
Diezel Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 I cant help but notice you often say single mothers are a red flag very often, I think you look at them maybe in a negative light, you need to realize while yes the man left for whatever reason the single woman is the one that pulled up the pants and cared for that child,(anyone who could ever leave their child imo is inable of love for another being and isnt ever relationship material ever!) or sometimes relationships dont work out staying in unhealthy relationships just for the children isnt a good thing there are many wonderful single mothers out there imo most of them are very nurturing and caring and have often learned what it is to be very unselfish. Of course there's always the crazy girl who keeps poping out kids but most of us arnt like that. Just sayin OP like I said in a past post people who don't want to let go of their backup plans often make many excuses as to why they would ever be unable to cut contact. I apologize if you think that I have a prejudice against single mothers. I don't. There's nothing wrong with it. Personally, I don't date single mothers, for my own selfish reasons. But when it comes to these forums, most of the situations presented to us by men are from men who probably don't understand the situation to the fullest extent and the implications of being with a single mother to the fullest degree. In this case, I definitely see the situation as a WHOLE as a red flag, not just the dividing factor of parenthood. Just because I wouldn't date them, it doesn't mean that they are bad people. If someone is old enough and has the maturity to comprehend the whole situation and the implications of such a relationship, go for it. But I'd say 9 times out of 10, LS forum goers that talk about their relationship problems do not fall into that category. 1
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