Blaine145 Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 I've been dating someone now for about 9 months. We've recently moved in together and are actively trying to have a child so it's fair to say we are pretty serious. We love and trust each other. Lately we have been arguing about her keeping in touch with people who she's had sex with in the past. She doesn't hangout with them, but does text, call and communicate over Facebook i.e posting pictures of them hanging out. This is really the only thing we've ever argued about other than this we get along great. No I don't think she is going to cheat on me with them, but It still bothers me. I don't keep in touch with me exs out of respect for her. So here's a few questions I have about it. I feel like if this is the only thing we argue about then why continue to do it? Is keeping in touch with your exs who you claim are just friends more important than me and a healthy relationship? Is it really possible to just be friends with someone you've had sex with? When I bring it up she says I'm trying to isolate her.. I'm not a controlling person and feel like having these feelings is human nature. I don't mind if she goes out once in a while without me, I don't care if she talks to other guys. I want her to have a life outside of our relationship too. I've been trying to bite my tung, but with a recent fb post I feel like she crossed the line and I had to say something. She posted a pic of herself in a pretty revealing dress with a guy she had sex with before. She said she had a lot of fun that night and he said the same with a blushing face. Was that wrong?
hoping2heal Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 What exactly, is the motive for trying to have a child right now? Furthermore, you feel chided by her contact with exes and she feels you are being controlling. It doesn't matter how many of us side with you or her, you two have to live with one another so if she feels it is controlling and is going to bite back against it then so be it. Is this really any entanglement into which to bring a child into the mix? 3
Omei Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 (edited) Im a firm believer in not keeping ex's as friends I do not consider it wise esp when you're in a relationship for the very reason your feeling right now I wouldnt want my partner to feel that way. When you stay in touch with an ex you dont even see or hang out with there is no point other than having them as potential backups if you know they still like you people will deny that and make claims its rude to just stop being friends with them but those are excuses in my mind there's no reason to be in contact with past lovers unless you had children. I wouldnt have a child with someone till their ex's were gone and I received the same respect I gave them regarding ex's. Edited January 2, 2015 by Omei 1
CarrieT Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 I feel like if this is the only thing we argue about then why continue to do it? Why continue to try and control her? Is keeping in touch with your exs who you claim are just friends more important than me and a healthy relationship? Why can't a person have both? Is it really possible to just be friends with someone you've had sex with? Absolutely. I am a newly-married 50 year old woman and I am friends with 90% of my Exes. My husband has met several of them. I'm not a controlling person ? All evidence to the contrary. and feel like having these feelings is human nature. They are YOUR human nature, but do not classify every person on the planet as having the same nature - because we clearly do not all have such tendencies. I don't care if she talks to other guys. So, you don't care if she talks to new guys or guys she HASN'T had sex with? This is a confusing statement. She posted a pic of herself in a pretty revealing dress with a guy she had sex with before. She said she had a lot of fun that night and he said the same with a blushing face. Was this picture taken before you two were a couple or is it a recent shot and you weren't there? I don't keep in touch with me exs out of respect for her. But if you weren't in a relationship, would you keep in touch with Ex's? I'm curious about that... 1
Author Blaine145 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 Omei that's exactly what I think. If I did keep in touch with my exs and she was hurt by it I would immediately stop because I love her and wouldn't want that. Also this just happend the other night and I did say we should probably slow down/ stop trying for a child all together, but I saw how much it hurt her and I recanted that statement. Her excuse is that they're just friends and have been for years. None of the guys in question are recent lovers. She makes me sound jealous and insecure when I know I'm not and haven't been in the past. I told her if you love me and can see it bothers me why do it? They're not in your close group of friends so I feel like you're putting them before me.
Winterina Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 If you don't feel comfortable about it and you told her that, then she is the one who should make the next move of stopping with the things that make you feel like that. 1
Author Blaine145 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 Carrie what is controlling about telling her what bothers me and asking her not to do it? In relationships people make compromises and communicate likes/dislikes. Like I said before I don't get mad if she has girls nights out, she has plenty of guy friends who she talks to on a regular basis which doesn't bother me at all, I don't get mad at her when we're out and a guy tries to hit on her. If I was single yes I probably would keep in touch with a few of my exs, but since I'm in a committed relationship I choose not to.
hoping2heal Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Omei that's exactly what I think. If I did keep in touch with my exs and she was hurt by it I would immediately stop because I love her and wouldn't want that. Also this just happend the other night and I did say we should probably slow down/ stop trying for a child all together, but I saw how much it hurt her and I recanted that statement. Her excuse is that they're just friends and have been for years. None of the guys in question are recent lovers. She makes me sound jealous and insecure when I know I'm not and haven't been in the past. I told her if you love me and can see it bothers me why do it? They're not in your close group of friends so I feel like you're putting them before me. Ding Ding Ding!!! Having a child is a serious responsibility, not something that should or shouldn't be recanted on account of her hurt feelings. Does she want a baby as a way to hold onto a boyfriend? I don't get it.
fred123 Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 "She posted a pic of herself in a pretty revealing dress with a guy she had sex with before. She said she had a lot of fun that night and he said the same with a blushing face". Was that wrong? haha if a girl did this while i was getting to know her bye bye. i would dump her or cheat on her. was that wrong? you must be silly because that is more than wrong
Author Blaine145 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 Hoping2heal No Thats not the reason she wants a child. It was a mutual decision to start trying (one that I brought up) I know it's a big responsibility. She has a child already and is a great mother.We want a child because we love eacother, would be good parents are both financially stable, and at a good age to do so.
Author Blaine145 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 Fred I don't want to cheat and I think it's wrong too. Im trying to explain it to myself and her what was so wrong about it though as dumb as it may seem and in falling short.
Omei Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 (edited) Omei that's exactly what I think. If I did keep in touch with my exs and she was hurt by it I would immediately stop because I love her and wouldn't want that. Also this just happend the other night and I did say we should probably slow down/ stop trying for a child all together, but I saw how much it hurt her and I recanted that statement. Her excuse is that they're just friends and have been for years. None of the guys in question are recent lovers. She makes me sound jealous and insecure when I know I'm not and haven't been in the past. I told her if you love me and can see it bothers me why do it? They're not in your close group of friends so I feel like you're putting them before me. Friends hang out and do activities together but as you said they do not do that their friendship is pen pal based the fact that they don't hang out because they know they can't the friendship in my eyes is there for emotional support or backup. If she's unwilling to stop talking to an ex out of respect for you than it would to me be uncool and further my thoughts of backup. My first boyfriend had a ex as a friend they dated for months I hung out with them many times before I made the choice to date him I went into the relationship with accepting their friendship and they hung out like actual friends. But even then there was a few times I remember getting pissed off because they would talk about the past I was very glad when she got obsessed with anime and moved to Japan I decided after that ex friendships in relationships wasn't for me not because I was jealous I didn't like the feeling that she knew him better than I did. Your gf isn't actually friends with her ex anymore it seems just a pen pal I would ask again to request it stops. Maybe you should ask her if shes okay with you befriending your ex. You have a right to tell her how it makes you feel and describe to her that you're the type that likes a relationship that doesn't come with ex's in the present, if she doesn't agree and wont stop I would find someone else to date because you wouldn't be a match. Some people are okay with ex talk in relationships Some are not. Im down for not, it brings things to the table I think shouldn't ever arise at times. But please right now you're unhappy with how things are going I wouldn't have a child just to please her Edited January 2, 2015 by Omei
Author Blaine145 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 I appreciate all of your input on this issue and the more opinions I get the more it helps me decide what to do next. I want to make a rational decision not one out of anger. I don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff and this is actually my first time posting on a forum like this.
Author Blaine145 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 Omei you're right until things are better I will not be trying for a child. 2
Author Blaine145 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 I want to bring it up again after I get off work and would like as many opinios as possible.
amaysngrace Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Either she respects your feelings or she doesn't. Her shirking her responsibility to the relationship by calling you controlling is her way of not acknowledging that she has crossed into your own personal comfort zone and is trying to shift this back on you and make it seem like you're the one with the problem. She's not a good partner. 5
Diezel Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 #1 Stop trying to have a child with her, specially after just 9 months and if this is a glaring issue for you. I could list 50 more things, but they would all be: SEE #1. 1
Pinkdisney Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 I am friends with an ex or two but we do not correspond anything other than a passing FB post of a very innocent nature. I am not in daily or weekly contact. If my bf was upset by anything I was doing in regards to an ex I would stop if I wanted to continue and valued my relationship.
Ducky71 Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 I've been where you are Blaine and you're 100% right to express your discontent. It's up to her to decide now, you can't force her to comply, she'll only end up resenting you. Stick to your guns, an ex of mine was 'friendly' with several other of her ex's. I tried to be the 'progressive' type, and not let it bother me but like was said before, I did not like the fact that these people knew her just as intimately, if not more so, than me. Their presence in our relationship became a big issue and I did the same as you, told her gently and tactfully how I felt, she said she understood and would fix it. What she really did was just stop talking about them to me, continued contact as usual, until it all blew up in her face, with me as the collateral damage. If she needs to have 'single girl friends', like ex's hanging around, even just in cyberspace, then she's obviously not ready to commit to you. Big fat red flag. I myself don't have contact with any of my ex's, not because of animosity, but because I bring a clean slate to my relationships. This sort of thing doesn't bother some people, but it bothers others like me. It doesn't make me a jealous or insecure person, it just means that if I commit to an exclusive, intimate relationship, I fully expect the same level of commitment from my partner. If I don't get that, I walk. That is something you may have to consider. 2
idoltree Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 This is a boundary issue, meaning that her keeping in touch with an ex violates your personal values. Some people, as you'll see in the responses, don't share this value. Your girlfriend doesn't share this value with you. This is not a matter of right and wrong. As a solution to your discomfort over this boundary violation, you have been trying to get her to modify her behavior. You are trying to control another person to modify their behavior so you can avoid feeling discomfort. So, yes, you are being controlling. The basic definition of being controlling is trying to change external circumstances instead of yourself. The emotionally mature way to handle a boundary violation is to say "Hey, gf, this continually stresses me out because it goes against my values in a relationship. I'm not saying you're wrong to keep in touch with your ex, just that we differ about what is and isn't appropriate. It may mean that we're not compatible since we keep arguing about it. So let's have one last discussion about it, and I want you to understand that I've recognized that this is my issue, and instead of trying to change you, it may be a matter of recognizing the incompatibility and leaving the relationship." Decide whether your value about keeping in touch with an ex serves you well in life or if it no longer serves you well. If you decide that it does, then this may not be the relationship for you. If it doesn't, then stop making it into an issue. Those are your only two choices. 2
Author Blaine145 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 (edited) Thank you all so much! This feedback is really helping! Edited January 2, 2015 by Blaine145
FitChick Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 It was a mutual decision to start trying (one that I brought up) I know it's a big responsibility. She has a child already and is a great mother.We want a child because we love eacother, would be good parents are both financially stable, and at a good age to do so. So why not get married first? Afraid she won't want the commitment? If that's the case don't have a kid. Get a dog. 1
Author Blaine145 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 She wants to get married, she's brought it up a few times. I do as well just want to make sure this issue is handled first. This is a recent problem that has been an issue over the last month. Before this I was absolutely positive. She's my best friend, we like all the same stuff, she's a good mother, everything is great except this one issue. It's the only thing holding me back.
Author Blaine145 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 (edited) Yes she does have a child of her own. I know she wants to get married she's pointed out rings and gave multiple hints, she took out her nueva ring and I know she wants what I want, but as idoltree pointed out its matter of values and comfort zones. She thinks keeping in touch with her exs is appropriate and I dont. There's two exs both of which she still talks to, not on a daily basis , but throughout the week both were multiple years ago. Only one of which she sees and that's only for work. At first it bothered me and then I started to be excepting of it. It was always casual bs here and there until the fb picture and I felt that crossed the line and really stung. Edited January 2, 2015 by Blaine145
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