rustypipes Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Ok so here's the deal. I'm part of a group of friends that consists of about 6 couples. It's a pretty tight group. We spend our summers riding our Harley's and going on amazing adventures. Upfront, yes I have a girlfriend but there are many problems in our relationship and it's getting old. She is bipolar and sometimes slips into depression for weeks at a time and has horrible mood swings. It's a rough road to travel to say the least. Unfortunately she's madly in love with me and going to be difficult to get rid of. Here's where it gets tricky. One of my buddies in our group has this very wonderful girlfriend and we've became quite close of the years. We get along well and have lots of laughs and to be honest I just adore her. I've kept this to myself for 2 years, never thinking that things would be real or feelings would be mutual. However, recently over the last few months I've noticed a change in her behavior towards me, certain looks, extra long hugs upon greeting and damn those looks! We went to an over night hockey game and it kinda hit the fan when her boyfriend flipped out drunk about us being too close and spending too much time and attention on each other. It was blown off as him being drunk and again I find out it's another bipolar deal for her. She confided in me that he's often mean, controlling and very jealous and possessive for her and she doesn't like it. Since then I've had this strange feeling that she's kinda in to me. It's been just a hunch and I wasn't totally sure if I'm just being dumb and letting my own personal feelings towards her cloud the actual interpretation of what it really is. So I've continued on the kid crush train and not said anything or acted on it. Well a few days a go on New Year's Eve we all got together for a party. I had no intentions of drinking and just wanted to hang out. Ms. Pretty face wasn't having it. She insisted I drink and enjoy the New Years celebration. I did and I over did it! I ended up pretty drunk and almost got in a tussle at a local watering hole and she intervened and took me outside to calm the situation. Honestly it wasn't that big of a deal and just wanted it to be over with. I lit a cigarette and she began asking me what's wrong and prying for me to get it off her chest. I said it's nothing and she insisted that I just let it all out and again if I have something to say to just do it. I got very nervous because she had that look...those damn eyes! I narrowly escaped the situation and maintained my composure and returned to the bar. I wanted nothing more to throw her of my shoulder and ride off into the proverbial sunset. But I didn't. I went home and could not sleep, I was drunk, tired and could not shake the feeling that she wanted nothing more than for me to own up to my feelings and profess my true intentions toward her. I'm dumb and grabbed my phone and texted her, telling her that she should never request that I spill my beans to her. Between her coaxing it out of me and me desperate to tell her I finally let her have it. She said she had a feeling. It was not 100% sure. She is now, that's a fact. Her response wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear and was frankly disappointing. She says that she does have feelings for me but this situation affects more than just us and thinks it would cause problems for us and the group as well. I get that and I'm sure it would. Now time is needed for her to process all this new information and I think the outcome doesn't look good. But i offered to take her to lunch and talk about this. I explained that either way I want her to remain a part of my life and me pouring my heart out to her is based on very good reasons and I wanted to talk to her sober and in person. She agreed and we are set for lunch in 3 days. I don't know what to do here. I know my feelings for her are very true and very strong. Not sure what to do or say about this, I've never really been in a love triangle before. Help!
orangetree Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 You two are made for each other. Both of you seem to be lying cheaters. Okay, maybe you haven't cheated physically yet, but you know you would. And an emotional affair is considered cheating too. So both of you are stringing along your partners even though you have absolutely no respect or love for them until something better comes along. You would leave your current girlfriend in a heartbeat. It doesn't matter if she has mood swings or if you don't love her anymore, she deserves respect, which you're clearly not giving her. Break up with your girlfriend now and save her more pain. She deserves better. And you and that other girl might get together, but I'm sure one of you will cheat on the other one sooner or later.
d0nnivain Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 You need to break up with your GF no matter what. If she breaks up with her BF and you both leave the group, you may be able to try to make a go of it together. Understand if you do this, you will both be ostracized from the group. If she doesn't break up with him & you still harbor feelings for her, you ought to remove yourself from the situation to avoid temptation. Her BF is more likely to punch you in the nose then to welcome you once he learns how you feel about his GF. Either way, your friendship is over.
Brooke02 Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Wow.. Harsh responses ^^ Rustypipes, Its not uncommon for friends of the opposite sex to develop feelings for one another. I think these feelings could possibly be issues in your own relationship, if you were happy with your girlfriend you wouldn't be in this position. You definitely need to think about ALL the consequences of would could happen if you and this new girl move forward into something more then just friends. You will lose your guy friend, possibly break up the group? Take time to think about what it is you really want. Are your feelings for this girl real or just the idea of being in love & happy since your not with your current girlfriend?? You need to think about your girlfriend as well, you should do it right & break up before moving on with someone else. In my opinion whats the point of the lunch? You already told her how you feel. You have some thinking to do. 1
CarrieT Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 In my opinion whats the point of the lunch? You already told her how you feel. ^ ^ This! ^ ^ The lunch will only start the slippery slope of bringing the feelings out, starting the subterfuge, and hurting those around you. Start by breaking up with your girlfriend immediately. Then - if this other girl really wants you - she should break up with her BF also. Third: You two should distance yourself from the "friend group" and start finding new friends because if you really want to be together, it will have to happen on its own and not in the confines of this bubble that is too incestuous. 1
Author rustypipes Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 We'll...there responses aren't quite what I expected. First off I'm not a cheater and never have been. I certainly agree with brooke about my problems stemming from my relationship. There's not a threat of violence because he is much smaller than me by a long shot. But that's not the issue here. Ok so this is selfish...I get that. But if 2 people really care about each other and feel that it's meant to be why torture ourselves and remain unhappy when the answer might be to get together. I personally don't think the group will break up...I think that my gf and her bf would bow out. I'm not trying to hurt anyone. I know i made a mistake by opening my mouth to her and I apologized to her for that. For the record there was a moment. I certainly hope this isn't construed as a sexual deal, because it's just not. It feels like 2 great people who constantly get dumped on finding common ground with a staggering amount of chemistry. Can't it just be a love story?
preraph Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Both you and she need to grow up and not stay in a relationship if you're unhappy in it and THEN move on to the next person. This is showing immaturity and irresponsibility and you're going about things the most destructive way possible, both of you.
soyou Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Even though I've never been a fan of emotional cheaters, things like this can happen. People just grow out of love and fall into somebody's else. I do understand your position and I'm not going to be harsh on you. All I can advice you is to make it right. Doesnt matter if you're going to procceed further with the new girl or not, break up with your gf. You dont love her anymore. Let her go and let yourself out before things become sour and full of hatefulness. About you and the new girl, follow what your heart tells you BUT BE PREPARED FOR ALL THE CONSEQUENCES YOU'RE GOING TO GET.
Brooke02 Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 We'll...there responses aren't quite what I expected. First off I'm not a cheater and never have been. Does your girlfriend know you have this lunch planned with another women to discuss "feelings"? This is cheating if she doesn't. 1
Author rustypipes Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 Damn Brooke your right. The more I read into this the more I feel like a snake in the grass. You guys are all right. I'm going to get in touch with her, cancel the lunch and again apologize for dragging her into my mess and putting her in a bad position. As far as my current relationship is concerned, right now would be a bad time to end it. But I think it's fair she knows how I feel and how close I am to ending it. Thanks a ton for the positive support. This post has certainly influenced my decision on how yo handle this.
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Some of these responses are unnecessarily harsh. These people aren't married. The entire point of dating is to find your best fit, and that process isn't always straightforward. I don't think trying to have a mature discussion about your feelings constitutes cheating. I was in a somewhat similar situation (I had just ended a relationship, my friend was in a very serious but unhappy long-term relationship, we were attracted to each other). We did meet and discuss our feelings, whether we thought it was just infatuation or boredom with our current partners, etc. He broke up with his girlfriend shortly afterwards and we've been dating since. But your situation has several factors mine didn't: to start, the overlapping social circles and a serious lack of respect for your current partners. Saying your current girlfriend will be "difficult to get rid of" is just bloodless. You suggest that both she and this girl's boyfriend are unstable in some way, but I don't think they're the only ones. Meanwhile, are you both willing to permanently lose your closest friends and nuke your reputations in your entire social circle? There may also be some kind of alcohol problem; much of the action here seems to happen while people are drunk and you emphasized a need to talk to her while sober. If drinking is such a big issue you may not be able to handle this conversation at all. This could, theoretically, be a love story. But you need to go about it in a respectful way, and that means ending your current relationships as soon as possible. If your girlfriend "knows" (does she really, or are you projecting?) you're about to end it then there's simply no excuse for not having done it already. This other girl needs to do the same. You also need to recognize this new relationship will come at a great cost to you both.
Author rustypipes Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 I'm actually not much of a drinker and the previous situation was alcohol problems on his behalf. On New Year's Eve I just happened to overdo it, started with it a little early and got carried away. I'm certainly not proud of it but it's not a repeating demon for me. It's not that it's a big issue I just know how serious the whole deal is and wanted good judgement. Which I apparently lacked in my previous inebriated state. I feel real bad about this whole thing and wish it never would've happened.
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