smile95 Posted March 26, 2005 Posted March 26, 2005 Ok guys. Does it make you miss your ex more when she is calling or not calling? Somehow my ex takes pleasure in me calling him and ignoring me. He told me once that he knew I was not done since I kept contacting him(eventhough he never replied). So it ahs been a month since I called and he has not called. We were together 3 yrs. I threatened leaving a lot and never could do it. I think he is just waiting for me to call him, since I usually do. I cannot wait until he realizes I am really done! He usually calls and I fall right back for him. Last time he ignored me for 2 months and then called and I fell for it. NOT THIS TIME-but my question is.......if a girl stops calling, do you think that it is really over? this is the 3rd time he has "taken a breeak" w/out informing me! Nice huh? he is going thru a divorce and stessful job and custody, so i know he is having a tough time, but he could have told me he needed time instead of just dropping off the earth.
Merin Posted March 26, 2005 Posted March 26, 2005 Beth, it wouldn't matter to you IF he realized you were done IF you really were.. Obviously this was a relationship with you that included infidelity on his part being that he's married to someone else.. so if you look at what he has felt he *owed* his wife over the 3 years of the relationship he had with you, it can't be all that suprising to you now that he is still wrapped up in HIMSELF and doing whats good for HIM not whats good for you, his wife or his kids. You said this has happend 3X previously.. that you've always threatend to end the relationship and he's decided on several occassions to make good on your threat by playing more games of his own.. so again it isn't suprising that he now sees this as the latest game between the both of you. You have another thread today wondering why you aren't meeting other guys.. I wish I had read this one before I responded to this one.. IMO you're not ready to really meet other guys because you're still to wrapped up in playing games with this guy and my guess is that you're sending out signals to men who actually are available that you are not... When it doesn't matter to you anymore what this MM thinks, does or says.. and you could give 2 sh*ts if he believes that it's over between the 2 of you because YOU KNOW IT IS.. then you'll be good to go and more approachable to other guys out there. Good Luck
Author smile95 Posted March 26, 2005 Author Posted March 26, 2005 thanks. He was legally sep when we met, so he was not with the wife(just to make that clear). You are so right about not letting it go though. That prob is why I cannot meet anyone. I am still thinking of the other guy. I want to let go, but w/out closure it is tough. I have even asked him to just send a simple text that we are done if we are and he will not even do that.
Merin Posted March 26, 2005 Posted March 26, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 thanks. He was legally sep when we met, so he was not with the wife(just to make that clear). You are so right about not letting it go though. That prob is why I cannot meet anyone. I am still thinking of the other guy. I want to let go, but w/out closure it is tough. I have even asked him to just send a simple text that we are done if we are and he will not even do that. Beth don't allow him to make the decision that the 2 of you are done.. that gives him entirely to much control and power over your life. You may never get the clousure you want.. for real you said he was seperated when the 2 of you met 3 years ago.. and he's JUST NOW getting around to a divorce? Do you see a pattern here Beth? He was suppose to be *done* with his marriage for how long? 3 years? but for some reason or other was unwilling to let go and give that clousure... This isn't up to him Beth.. this needs to be YOU making the decision to be over with him.. that YOU'VE made the decision that you deserve better than this. You CAN let go.. it's a matter of wanting to.
Author smile95 Posted March 26, 2005 Author Posted March 26, 2005 Can I give myself closure that way? But just continuing NC? He has always had and wanted the control. I am not sure if you read where I said he is a narcissist. He is very manipulative. And yes, he had to wait a yr to file in his state, but all I got were excuses that court was cancelled, they could not agree on things, blah blah. Really I feel that he cannot stand that she left him. He says he is embaraased that he has failed at the marriage. I know they will not get back, but I feel he is dragging his feet with it. So much drama just thinking about it makes me remember why I am done. So If i tell myself I am done, that is closure? Even if he does not give it to me? I just cannot get over feeling rejected. He has never talked to me about probelms and just runs from conflict. I would have at least accepted if he told me he needed space. Maybe he does this so that i DO hang on for when he is ready for me again. I have done so well with NC and I feel I am getting better, but I still think of him and it is hard to let go sometimes. One day I am happy and the next I am a mess
Merin Posted March 26, 2005 Posted March 26, 2005 Beth, I was with a man just like this.. He was a Narcissist.. very controlling and manipulative. We were together for 2 years and in that time he broke my self esteem and made me feel like I couldn't be without him. He would play all of these mind games on me.. not call me back or disappear.. he lied to me, cheated on me and was verbally and sometimes physically abusive. It wasn't until I finally found the strength and courage to end the relationship that I started to feel any better. He had always told me "We will never be done" and for some reason I believed him.. I ended the relationship and it hurt me a lot to do so.. but in the end of things I'm a better person and happier for it. YES you can end it without his permission.
Author smile95 Posted March 26, 2005 Author Posted March 26, 2005 it has never gotten physical, but we are LDR so whenever we see each other it is like a vacation. it is so hard to break away. I am glad to know that you dealt with a man like this and got out. It is different than a normal break up I think. So yours also ignored you just to hurt you?? why do they do it? It kinda makes sense for me to think back when I read about emotional abuse in his sep papers and then fact that she has a restraining order on him. But he says all lawyers advise women to get one during a divorce? Who knows, that could be a lie. He knows just how to make me feel bad. The part that I hate is I know deep down he loves me. But why would he get off on making me hurt? Does it make him feel powerful? I am so glad I got on here before I called him. Do you think that after he realizes I am not calling anymore he will try and get me back? Or will he give up? I think my best bet is to not answer. Unless it is months from now when I am strong. Right now, i feel he would know what to say to me to make me go back. I am reading a book on how to leave a narcissist. It is helping, but I never knew that he was one til recently. All that he does to me is so wrong and he had me belive that I was to put up with it!!!!I say I love him but I think I just love the idea of a goof bf. I built him up and was always disappointed.
beatjunkies Posted March 26, 2005 Posted March 26, 2005 I think that if you stopped calling it would get to him.. See my ex broke up with me and i called her almost everyday.. then i kind of just stopped calling and she would call maybe like once a week or so. So I thought that it was good that she was persuing me.. She does have a b/f now and what not. I was with her for 7 years and i am young too (21). Anyways now that she hasnt been calling me it seems like she is through.. I didnt ignore her calls or anything though but I dont know the contact has gotten less and less. Actually I have been the only one contacting her recently via email, txt and I called her like last week. She seemed whatever though like she didnt really want to talk so I ended the call. So I dont know it sucks that she doesn't even call me anymore. Basically though since your ex broke up with you and you call him its the same as I was. I think when I called her it said " hey im still here waiting for you" There is no pressure on them since they know that you are still there. So I think your ex is doing the same thing. But my ex at least called and was nice before and 1 time she asked to hang out. Its like everytime before when I would call she never wanted to hang out or had some lame excuse and she never wanted to talk when I called. So I dont know. Anyways just dont worry about calling him. If he does call just be like whatever.. Act like you have moved on. Ignore him if you want to. I'm confused as to if I should ignore my ex or what. My bday is the end of next month so IF she contacts me I think that would be when. Im still thinking if i should ignore it or answer and be nice.. So yeah I hope this helps.. Take care, peace
Merin Posted March 27, 2005 Posted March 27, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 it has never gotten physical, but we are LDR so whenever we see each other it is like a vacation. it is so hard to break away. I am glad to know that you dealt with a man like this and got out. It is different than a normal break up I think. So yours also ignored you just to hurt you?? why do they do it? It kinda makes sense for me to think back when I read about emotional abuse in his sep papers and then fact that she has a restraining order on him. But he says all lawyers advise women to get one during a divorce? Who knows, that could be a lie. He knows just how to make me feel bad. The part that I hate is I know deep down he loves me. But why would he get off on making me hurt? Does it make him feel powerful? I am so glad I got on here before I called him. Do you think that after he realizes I am not calling anymore he will try and get me back? Or will he give up? I think my best bet is to not answer. Unless it is months from now when I am strong. Right now, i feel he would know what to say to me to make me go back. I am reading a book on how to leave a narcissist. It is helping, but I never knew that he was one til recently. All that he does to me is so wrong and he had me belive that I was to put up with it!!!!I say I love him but I think I just love the idea of a goof bf. I built him up and was always disappointed. Beth, My relationship was also a LDR. Do I believe they ignore with the intent to hurt.. honestly no I don't.. they ignore and do for THEMSELVES what feels good or okay.. frankly you (or I) don't matter or figure into the equation. Narrcissist are incable of feeling remorse they focus on THEM and whats good for THEM at that moment. My EXBF felt the world revolved around him and he felt MY world should also revolve around him he was incapable of making any distinction. If you read his seperation papers and it stated that there had been emotional abuse in the marriage.. I feel very certain you could not have been suprised by this.. and NO divorce attorneys do NOT advice all women to seek a restraining order that is a lie.. when a restraining order is granted it is done by a judge and sufficient evidence must be given in order to obtain one.. think about that for a moment.. Love.. honestly I believe my EXBF "Loved" me as much as he was capable.. and although you may also feel your EXBF "Loves" you.. it isn't going to be enough ever to sustain you. When I ended the relationship with my EXBF I did so although I didn't want too.. it had become a sick cycle that replayed itself over and over again and I ended it without his permission or consent.. he tried to win me over again (as he had done in the past) but I kept in my mind that nothing was going to change and the "Love" he had for me would never be enough to sustain me. The thing is this Beth.. when you ask Do I think if he will continue to try and get you back.. that tells me so many things of where you're at with this.. You're not ready for him to be finished with you or you with him.. I know this because I've been there and I've asked my family and friends the same question regarding my relationship with my EX.. I wanted something to hold onto.. someone to tell me that there was a glimmer of hope that he would be there for me and that he really loves me.. it wasn't until I stopped caring IF he wanted me back or IF he loved me or thought about me still that I started to feel any better.. because it wasn't until then that I knew REALLY KNEW it didn't make any difference what he wanted any longer.. what mattered(s) is that I was okay without him and he did not consume my thoughts, ideas, or life any longer. Eventually I believe people like this find someone else to fixate on.. they are not capable of having a healthy good relationship with anyone.. as far as your EXBF's wife goes.. he will continue to try and win her over again until she lets go of him and won't allow it. Don't worry about him not loving you Beth.. LOVE YOURSELF GIRL! Breath in Breath out... you don't need or want this kind of toxic individual in your life sister.. he will never be any better than what you see already. Hang in there Honey...
shamen Posted March 27, 2005 Posted March 27, 2005 Originally posted by Merin When I ended the relationship with my EXBF I did so although I didn't want too.. it had become a sick cycle that replayed itself over and over again and I ended it without his permission or consent.. he tried to win me over again (as he had done in the past) but I kept in my mind that nothing was going to change and the "Love" he had for me would never be enough to sustain me. it wasn't until I stopped caring IF he wanted me back or IF he loved me or thought about me still that I started to feel any better.. because it wasn't until then that I knew REALLY KNEW it didn't make any difference what he wanted any longer.. what mattered(s) is that I was okay without him and he did not consume my thoughts, ideas, or life any longer. Don't worry about him not loving you Beth.. LOVE YOURSELF GIRL! Breath in Breath out... you don't need or want this kind of toxic individual in your life sister.. he will never be any better than what you see already. Hang in there Honey... Amen, sister! It's time to break out of the cycle, Beth. I know that you are already on your way!
Author smile95 Posted March 27, 2005 Author Posted March 27, 2005 Wow. Everything you said was 100% true! How did you finally reach the point where you did not think of him all the time. It is a cycle with us too! I cannot believe how much of what you said hits home! It is nice to know that he is like that and this is not my fault. That is the hardest thing to deal with. I tried so hard with him and scarificed so much. Everytime he would come back to me, he would never say sorry or explian why he ignored and I was just supposed to be happy he came back. and I was. I am not going to put up with this again. I feel he will try to get me back, but like you said, I have to not hope for that and know that I am moving on and it is for the best. I do believe he loves me, but I also agree that he is doing the best he can in his head. He can do no wrong in his head and last time he was stressed out and said he needed to sepaerate emotion from stress and needed a break and I accepted that and forgave. dumb! As far as the divorce part. I believe she has put her foot down finally and that is what is bothering him. he did not win. All he is concerened about is work and money and it makes me sick. He works all the time and it is the only thing he is good at right now I guess. When I am with him, we are so in love and I feel fooled when he can know I am hurting and not care. I feel like after 3 yrs I never knew him. So much was wrong looking back and he convinced me this was normal. Not asking me how my day was, never helping when I was sick or had a problem I needed to talk to him about, not even calling me after a surgery I had. I moved to a new state and he did not even call the night before i left to say be careful, call me, etc. All things that I WANTED. Is that a lot to ask??? It is hard for me to grasp that someone has no concern for others feelings. I take the blame and I have to stop that. I do miss him and I ask EVERYONE"do yo think he will call" I guess that is a sign I have not let go. How could he never call again???? It boggles my mind? I know he is a bad person, but I have nothing left as far as self esteem and just want to be loved. I sound sad, don't I? THis is hard and it will be 6 weeks this thurs since we have talked. I am doing much better, but somehow need to end this in my head. People ask me what I loved about him so much......I have no idea??? I guess the fact that he loved me-or said it?Thanks for letting me ramble
Merin Posted March 27, 2005 Posted March 27, 2005 You're going to be okay Girl.. I understand exactly what you're saying.. and why you feel the way you do, in time this too shall pass. This isn't your fault or something you said/did or didn't for that matter. It's very easy to fall in Love with people like this Beth.. they come along and somehow your perceptions change.. they make you feel special (and you are) and beatiful (and you are) but you (I) also bought into the idea that I was these things because of him not before him.. know what I mean? Right now the best thing is to keep your focus and your resolve Beth.. he isn't going to change for anyone.. he didn't for his wife and he won't for you or anyone else that comes along.. pity the next who becomes entangled in his world and be thankful you're no longer dwelling there. Please, Please, Pleeaasseee get out honey and meet other people.. you don't have to jump into anything with anyone.. but start to rebuild your own self esteem and self worth.. YOU ARE special and beautiful and wonderful BEFORE you met him and you will be all of these things and stronger when you no longer allow him to dwell in your life, your mind.. your world. You do not need ANYONES permission or consent to walk away when they are hurting you.
Author smile95 Posted March 27, 2005 Author Posted March 27, 2005 Thank you so much. TO be honest, I got more from talking to you the last two day s and Shamen too than I have ever gotten from my therapist. I am going to eat with my family and somehow try to enjoy myself and not wonder if my phone will ring. I hope things do get easier as time goes by. Won't I always wonder though about him???
Merin Posted March 27, 2005 Posted March 27, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 Thank you so much. TO be honest, I got more from talking to you the last two day s and Shamen too than I have ever gotten from my therapist. I am going to eat with my family and somehow try to enjoy myself and not wonder if my phone will ring. I hope things do get easier as time goes by. Won't I always wonder though about him??? You're more than welcome Beth.. I think sometimes it's more theraputic to speak to people who have been there AND survived it because they can relate.. keep posting and of course feel free to PM. Put your phone away.. enjoy your family today.. give yourself permission Honey (even if it's only for today.. baby steps) to not allow him to dwell. Will you always think and wonder about him.. I don't know honestly Beth.. My EXBF still crosses my mind on occassion but now instead of wishful thinking or regret for things, While I wish no harm to him I also wish no goodness.. I feel indifferent and if nothing else pity for him.. Happy Easter Sista
shamen Posted March 27, 2005 Posted March 27, 2005 Hi Beth, The fact that he didn't call before you moved to an entirely new state really says alot... Remind yourself of this fact when you're wondering about him. What's he doing? Why isn't he calling? The schmuck didn't call you when you were moving to a new state??!!! Any rational human being involved in a relationship with another would be calling the night before and the next morning and then later that evening. The self esteem will return in time. We've all let ourselves be in relationships that were bad for us. It's time to just let it go (so you made a mistake) and focus on the fact that you have walked away from him and give yourself the credit that you deserve for getting out of it. You DID get out of it and now it's been 6 weeks already of NC. Focus on that. Rebuild you. Do anything and everything that makes you happy. I know that you're still new in your city, but have you tried going out by yourself yet? Maybe joining some kind of group where you could connect to other people of your own interests? A little silly, I know, but you need a new friend base. How often do you get to see your sister? Keep up with the activity levels too. Endorphins!!! Oh, when it comes to meeting new people (I saw your other thread), just give yourself some time. Don't jump into anything too fast when you do meet someone though. I think the biggest issue is that you will meet someone when you start to feel better about yourself. When you start exuding the self-confidence that you had before you hung out with Mr. Wrong. I'm starting to finally feel that way too and people are noticing. The same thing will happen for you girl!
Author smile95 Posted March 27, 2005 Author Posted March 27, 2005 the little things he did that would floor my friends, I thought nothing of. Weird uh? I took it all and never said a thing for fear of losing him. I have never had a healthy relationship to compare it to so I thought this was normal I guess. I am missing him right now, but fighting the urge to call. I cannot understand how he would not even call me and want to at least keep in touch? I can only assume he is stressing about the divorce and work and his son and is pushing me away again. It is so hard to meet new people in a new town. I joined a gym, but I guess I need to stop looking and let things happen as they happen.
Author smile95 Posted March 27, 2005 Author Posted March 27, 2005 Not sure what has come over me, but I have this urge to call him. I cannot get over this! I just want to tell him I love him! How do I get out of this urge? UGH! If I get thru this, I will be ok. I cannot call. I will be more hurt. I am not sure what made me feel this all of a sudden? I guess I want to know that what we had was real? I want to know he does care and love me. what if i never speak to him again?i think i am having an anxiety attack. I cannot call!!!! But, God, I want to. I have been doing sowell, so I hope tomorrow I will feel better.
darhma Posted March 27, 2005 Posted March 27, 2005 Call a friend...write him a letter pouring out your soul but do not send it...go to the bookstore and buy a book about coping with heart ache...go to the gym or do some sort of exercise...go to sleep early to cut your mind off.... All these things will help this moment pass...calling him will only make you hurt worse. Your love was real. I am sure he loved you as well. Some people are just not capable of lasting love. Just because a love does not last does not make it any less real. Love is a feeling...feelings pass. Marraige is based on commitment to that feeling. Many people who do not even love each other stay married. Does the fact that they are together make their love real...not necessarily. I know how much you hurt. It is horrible when someone just cuts you out of their life. He is probably doing this because he feels bad about what he has done to you or he is just immersed in his own drama. Both are bad reasons not to just reach out. I promise this moment will pass. You dont need a romantic love to know that you are lovable and loved. I am sure there are many people who love you in your life...why not give one of them a call.
Author smile95 Posted March 28, 2005 Author Posted March 28, 2005 THis is odd--he just text me and has not contacted me in 6 weeks! I have been thinking of him all day and now he text me??? I amnot responding, but boy do I want to!!!!!!!!!!!I am going to walk my dog. THis relationship stuff sux!
Author smile95 Posted March 28, 2005 Author Posted March 28, 2005 ok HELP!!!! I have written 3 posts above this. And some of you know my story. he is texting me that he is so sorry for dragging me thru this and he said sorry like 400 times and he wants to call me tomorrow when he gets home and misses me and said we bickered over him not making time for me and knew i was not happy. I am crying and Iam not sure why? I guess it is a relief to hear from him, but I have to be VERY careful not to get sucked back in. Can we remaiin friends? Do I talk if he calls? Is he being sincere? Or what?
Author smile95 Posted March 29, 2005 Author Posted March 29, 2005 merin and shamen???? Where are ya??? I have not talked to him and he contunues to call and text. I am NOT giving in this time, although he is saying all the right things and being sweet! UGH
ReluctantRomeo Posted March 29, 2005 Posted March 29, 2005 In the absence of the wise advice of Merin and Shaman, I'm gonna fill in Don't call him. Resist the urge. I've been there too with Juliet - there are times you just want to, but it's way better if you don't. Keep posting here instead. Or keep a journal of your feelings. But keep NC with him.
Author smile95 Posted March 29, 2005 Author Posted March 29, 2005 it IS hard. He is saying (in voicemails) all the things I ever wanted him too, but I have to see this is a front and things would go back to crap as soon as he knew he had me back. It is hard cause I do love him. I will stay strong. Luckily I am off the work and cannot call from there! thanks for filling in!!!
darhma Posted March 29, 2005 Posted March 29, 2005 I know how hard it is. Do not give in or you just begin the pain all over again. He is not the solution to your pain he is the cause!!!! I swear it does get easier as time goes on. Just keep on keeping on. You can do it!!!
ReluctantRomeo Posted March 29, 2005 Posted March 29, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 He is saying (in voicemails) all the things I ever wanted him too, but I have to see this is a front and things would go back to crap as soon as he knew he had me back. It is hard cause I do love him. I'm glad you see this for what it is. They say that actions speak louder than words and his actions have been deafening. Do you have anything you can distract yourself with? Favourite hobbies? Fun activities with friends? I also found it helpful (but this is my character) to have a makeover/self-improvement plan to get me back out there on the dating market, but leaner and hotter. This gave me a better feeling about the future.
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