shane147 Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 I almost have convinced my wife to try mc. She is more interested in some sort of marriage camp or marriage builder program. Neither of us are familiar with any programs and i would like to get thoughts and suggestions. 1
not-so-sure Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 I almost have convinced my wife to try mc. She is more interested in some sort of marriage camp or marriage builder program. Neither of us are familiar with any programs and i would like to get thoughts and suggestions. I'm interested in the answer to this too as my wife has said she wanted marriage counselling. 1
quankanne Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 husband and I did a Marriage Encounter Weekend about 15 years ago, and he tells everyone it's the best thing we did for our marriage (initially he was dead set against it, until a priest friend was on the team and he felt comfortable with the idea). ME, however, is a program through the Catholic Church, though there are a handful of places reserved for those from other Christian denominations. if you want to go a non-religious route, there are other programs available – in East Texas, there was something several years ago called "We Vow Now" that was partially funded through either city or county health services; you'd mentioned Marriage Builders, which you can do a search on here at the 'Shack, I remember there was a lot of positive buzz about that one. either which way y'all decide to go, know that I'm pulling for you – it's not really about pointing fingers or deciding who the "bad" one is in the marriage, but about learning how to use tools that you're given to make your marriage even stronger. (something else I'd recommend, is reading "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Talk about an eye-opener! This book helps you see both yours and your spouses "language" of love, and it really clears up any misunderstandings or feelings of insecurity about being loved. Good stuff!)
SolG Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 If you want something to do while you and your W work out your face-to-face intervention options, I have friends who said they found this TV series and companion book really helpful as a good overview regarding things that make relationships work https://www.happinesscentral.com/the-tv-series/about-the-show Not sure if will be available where you are OP, but here in AUS it's available for download via iTunes and the book is on Amazon. Good luck.
carhill Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 OP, why are you seeking help with your marriage? IMO, 'why' is an important aspect of tailoring help to the individual marriage's requirements. Since, generally, it's wives convincing husbands to try MC, that adds another question - why do you have to 'convince' your wife to try MC in any of its permutations.
angel.eyes Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Gottman's Institute in Seattle has some nice weekend workshops. I've heard several couples rave about how helpful it was for their relationship.
Author shane147 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 OP, why are you seeking help with your marriage? IMO, 'why' is an important aspect of tailoring help to the individual marriage's requirements. Since, generally, it's wives convincing husbands to try MC, that adds another question - why do you have to 'convince' your wife to try MC in any of its permutations. It sort of sounds like a role reversal, i suppose. Our marriage is pretty well on the rocks. We have been married for 19 years. I want to save it; however, i have found it difficult if not impossible for us to work through our problems together. Basically all attempts to discuss things ends with her telli g me what i need to differently with her accepting little or no responsibility for the situation. Long story short, im not interested in making it work unless she is as well.
carhill Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 I want to save it; however, i have found it difficult if not impossible for us to work through our problems together. Basically all attempts to discuss things ends with her telli g me what i need to differently with her accepting little or no responsibility for the situation. Would you then characterize the 'why' to include improving marital communication and both partners accepting their role in the marital dynamic? If not, what? Long story short, im not interested in making it work unless she is as well. In order for MC to be beneficial, both partners have to want that process. If participation is conditional, then, generally, MC will fail. Hence, if your wife, or yourself, are not a willing participant who wants the process to work, it won't work. MC is a facilitator; a teacher. Whatever happens as a result is what the participants want to happen. One aspect to work on your own is why your commitment is dependent upon your wife's commitment. Can you accept her current level of participation and perspective and work your own stuff separate from that? IME, once lines are drawn and partners become opponents retreating while lobbing missiles at each other, little productive interaction or improvement can occur, no matter the venue. Can you accept that, no matter what you do, she may simply not wish to be with you anymore? That's always a possibility, even if unknown. Scary version? Sufficient poisoning of the marital dynamic to induce or manipulate a 'deal-breaker' action to facilitate a no-regret end to further one's personal milieu. This can come from either side. We only know your side. Her side is unknown. As any MC worth their fee will opine, the truth is somewhere in the middle. If you want to try marriage encounters and similar and can afford them, no harm done IMO. Do you think that MC or IC with a professional therapist or psychologist could help *you*? Why? 1
Author shane147 Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 Carhill, That is exactly how i would characterize the why. I think our marriage could be saved with better communication and conflict resolution. As far as the line in the sand, i know that is probably a bad feeling on my part. I know boundaries like this are unproductive; however, basically all disputes or arguments end with her directing all gault at me and not accepting her role. I am not wiling to spend my life like that. I have tried letters, talking with her, and recommended mc repeatedly. I truly believe she doesnt want mc because she would have to face reality a little bit more. She is an extremely nice, decent person, but she is also a manipulator / control freak. I dont use those terms to imply she is mean spirited, but she rarely accepts her role and doesnt hesitate to redirect as soon as possible.
beach Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 If she isn't willing to own the way she participates - there's little you can do to help the M become healthy. If you want to stay married you may be resolved to continuing to be her victim. Her form of abuse. If she's not willing to change and own how she participates - I can guarantee you would be happier without her. The adjustment of not being her victim might be rough - but it's ultimately a true freedom and completely worth leaving. Believe me - been there, done that. Counseling might help you gain strength and courage to break free.
d0nnivain Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 MC is like mini group therapy for the both of you. You come every week & talk about your specific issues. These weekends & workshops are more skill building things. DH & I went to one on communication being hosted in our area by a couple we know. He's a life coach & she's a therapist. It wasn't personalized to us but we did exercises designed to make us talk to each other.
Author shane147 Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 What i would really like to get out of mc ir whatever avenue we choose is for both of us to be able to better communicate. We both come from extremely dysfunctional families and have gotten to the point where we avoid each other far to often. We either argue and forget about it, argue and capitulate, or ignore altogether. this has lead, amongst other things, to a serious detachment on both parts. She is typically the better person to try to kiss and make up, but i still feel frustrated as we can never get to the core of the apple or so to speak. We have failed at trying to work it out ourselves and i think that mc could help. Ive gotten to the point where i usually dont try to address issues any more. I feel like i have just checked out.
oldshirt Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 marriage retreats and camps etc are like an exercise and nutrition program that people go to when they want to get more fit and healthy in general. MC is like going to the doctor when you are actually sick or injured.
spanz1 Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 some say the religious camp things work. but I guess you need to be religious in the first place. there are soooo many things that can go flakey in a person's mind when relationships/marriage/sex are involved....it is easy to get caught up in some voodoo science thing. I would stick with a trained professional. one thing I am a firm believer in: sex makes a better marriage. If your marriage is on the rocks, just try sex. lots of it. I think there is a "sex a day for a month" challenge online somewhere. try THAT and see if it works.
Recommended Posts