Pascoe Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Tonight I was out with some friends and one of my friends brought up something that I had been repressing for some time... Back in November/December 2011 my Dad was diagnosed with liver cancer. This was very difficult for me because I was very close with my Dad. I feel that everything I did in life was to make him proud of his only son. I don't know why I felt that way because my Dad was always supportive of everything I did. I earned four undergraduate degrees, I played professional baseball and I was successful in my career after baseball. Yet for some reason I always felt that everything I did was to make him proud of me. Everytime I accomplished something I could not wait to call my Dad and tell him of my accomplishments. Again, I don't know why I felt this way. Growing up my Dad was not an "emotional" person. Later on after I was in my mid 30's I got involved in auto racing. It was something my Dad and I always loved. I was in a financial position to get involved instead of watching from the "sidelines". My Mom and Dad traveled to all of my races and it was a very happy time in life. My Dad passed away in June 2012. I never felt that I truly had the opportunity to mourn the loss. I have two kids of my own who were very close with my Dad. I had to be strong for them and reassure them everything would be Ok. I can still recall the day my Dad passed away and the having to sit down with my children and tell them he was gone. I fought back the tears and tried to be strong for them. In January 2013 one of my best friends took his own life. It was very difficult and I can recall the day like it just happened moments ago. I got a phone call while on the way home from the office. When I arrived home I sat on my bed sobbing asking God "why? you took my Dad now you took my best friend." During the summer of 2014 another one of my best friends was diagnosed with cancer and passed away in August 2014. He was my "go to" person after my buddy that passed in January 2013. In August 2011 my Dad and my previously mentioned two best friends played golf together. It was the only time the four of us were together in one place at the same time. It was a very memorable day as I have never felt so good about being around three other people. In September 2014 the girl I had been with for 14 years decided she was going to leave. There is a thread about this here for those interested: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/504238-having-very-difficult-time In addition to the feelings associated with my long term relationship ending I sort of am now feeling overwhelmed with feelings of the loss of my Dad and two of my best friends. I am now 47 years old and sometimes feel that the loss of the relationship is too much to handle. Throw on top of that the feelings now coming forward about the loss my Dad and two of my best friends and it seems overwhelming. I feel like I am having an emotional breakdown. I have not drank so much since I was in college as it seems like the only way I can be happy albeit temporary. At least the alcohol numbs the pain and does allow me to feel happy if only for a short period of time. Any advice for getting somewhat back to "normal"? I am open to any and all suggestions.
Light Breeze Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 I'm sorry for your losses. Death and breakups are the most painful things one can experience in their lives. Just hang in there brother Have you tried counselling or support groups? I have friends who swear they are effective. Can you tell what kind of support system you have right now? And, alcohol is actually a depressant if what I've read so far is correct.
Author Pascoe Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 Thanks Light Breeze... I am seeing a counselor about once a week on average. It really does not seem to be helping very much. I am a, I guess you would call, "cerebral" person and dealing with all of these emotions is very difficult. After the counseling sessions I tend to go over and analyze everything from a "logical" perspective. I know counseling is to allow one to come to their own conclusions and solutions but it is just not working for me right now. I have a circle of friend that I am very close. They know what is going on regarding the end of the relationship but tonight is really the first time I have thought about all of the other losses. The emotion just came rushing in and feels very overwhelming. The relationship was with one that I would not say was very supportive... I was always worried about keeping her happy which is why I don't think I ever dealt with the other issues.
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