Learningandgrowing Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Hello. So I am 23, female, and my ex is 24. I met my ex when I was 20 years old. I was chasing him and "hooking up" with him for the first 6 months I met him. I liked him a lot, and I think i liked him even more since he wasn't pining for me. He would sometimes randomly say he really liked me but then would begin ignoring me and acting indifferent a few weeks later. This cycle went on for a long time. There was something about him that was just..mean. I guess he isn't a bad person himself, but to ME in my life, he was a bad person. He made me cry all of the time. Of course once i started trying so hard he said he wanted to be my boyfriend. We had to do long distance because he was in the military though. So for one year we skyped, called, texted and all of that every single day. I was very much in love with him, but i still didn't feel loved by him. As i said before, there was just some aura about him that i knew he didn't care about me. There was something very mean and insensitive about him. As before, he would send me very long letters telling me he knows he has been acting distant but that he loved me so much and wanted to be my husband one day. It made me want him even more, all of the chasing and ups and downs. Well when he finally got out of the marines he moved home. He broke up with me two months after coming home saying he wanted to be single and wasn't ready for a relationship. After waiting for him for one year and not seeing him for 6 months i was angry, torn apart, and the most emotionally unhealthy i have ever been. I couldn't believe he was just going to leave after i had put up with so much with him. I went pretty crazy. Pleading, crying, stalking, just bad. I couldn't believe it. I found a girl in his bed just 5 days after he broke up with me. Sooner or later he gave in and started talking to me. We decided to be "friends". He knew i was incredibly in love with him and wanted to get back together. For six months we hung out, slept together, pretty much acted in a relationship, but he openly was sleeping with other girls too. I was very fragile and weak. Immature and willing to make mistakes. He was sleeping with at least 4 other girls. This went on for 6 months. For 6 months i cried every night, replied to his texts every day, slept at his house multiple times a week, all while knowing he was sleeping with other women. All while he knew i was madly in love with him. He may not be a bad person, but to me in my life that was very wrong of him. He knew i was in love with him and he should have cut off all ties. I know i would have. He would keep my hopes up by telling me that maybe one day we would get back together. He had complete control of me. He knew how weak i was. Finally after those horrible 6 months he decided he didn't want to be friends anymore. He said that I was hindering him from moving on. Since the day i met him we had never gone more than 5 days without speaking. This time i didn't call him and he didnt contact me for 10 days. I know that it doesn't seem like a long time, but i had done a lot of inner work in those 10 days. I was finally feeling free, happy, like myself. I knew it was over and i wasn't waiting for him to come back at all. Sure enough, he ended up texting me. Then texting me more, and somehow we ended up starting to hangout again. I kept telling myself that this time it was different. I had never seen him this way. He never onced apologized or begged for me back, but i had convinced myself that since i wasn't begging, our relationship would work this time. It was pretty nice for a few months. I ended up initiating the commitment talk. He was hesitant at first but he gave in. I boiled it down to him being a young man and that any guy his age has trouble committing. I convinced myself that he was in love with me and just struggling and that was all that mattered. I began finding texts in his phone from girls he was seeing during that 6 month break up and friends with bennefits mess. It hurt me. I tried to talk to him about it and he somehow turned it around on me telling me that i was bad for looking through his phone. I ended up apologizing. I always ended up apologizing. He had complete control over me. Finally, 2 months ago, after he ditched me on halloween i came over and we talked about it. I started balling telling him i wasn't sure if he really cared about me. He then told me that he didn't think that he did and he can't help it. He said he just didn't have any romantic feelings for me and called it off. I was in shock, but a little relieved. Then he started texting me again. i started to get scared, i did not want everything that happened with the last break up to happen again. He would pine for me then tell me he still only had friendly feelings for me. I started to get angry. I would block his number for a week or so...then we talk for a week or so. As time has been going on i keep looking back at this situation and beginning to hate him. Ive never felt hate for him, i always just wanted him back. Now looking at the situation with a clear head and no rose colored glasses on ... It's pretty apparent that he was a piece of **** person to me. Of course i allowed him to do that. And i'm sure he's a good person in other aspects of his life or maybe to his next girlfriend, but to me he was a horrible horrible person. Today I got so extremely angry. Keep in mind i have never gotten mad at him. Just begged and cried and told him how much i was in love with him. Today i texted him everything i have ever been holding him. I said some very mean things, but it felt really really great. I told him i wanted all of my things back (at least 700 worth of large things like a tv, all of my records, my surfboard, etc). I told him to drop it off by the week. He ended up calling me and saying he was going to drop it off today. He dropped it off and i said some mean things. It was so hard to be mean to him but it felt kind of good. He drove off then called me and asked if i would please talk to him. I got in the car and he told me not to hate him. I told him everything i was angry at him for doing and what a horrible person i thought he was. I was cold, angry, and mean to him. I wanted him to know what it felt like. Some tears were running down his face and i told him i didn't care, i finally realized how horrible he had always treated me. He finally said well fine i guess have a nice life and i walked out of his car saying F&^k you. I am so sorry that this is so long. But my biggest question is... did i do the wrong thing? I know that it wasn't morally the right thing...but i have been more than kind and giving to him for 3 years. I never stuck up for myself, not once. And i finally did. I just want to make sure that i did the right thing for myself.
Light Breeze Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 You did the right thing! He was just using for sex. You went from doormat to superheroine Now, initiate NC, NC, NC, Grieve, heal, work on yourself, love yourself, learn from your mistakes, then stand up again. There would be someone for you in the future. Stay strong sister.
Author Learningandgrowing Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 Thank you! I am just struggling with deciding if he wronged me or not. Sometimes someone just doesn't have feelings for someone else. Relationships end. Sometimes i feel like he didn't do anything wrong but other times I think that I have been in denial and not realized how horrible of a person he was to me. I really need to figure out this internal battle. Is he bad or did he just not like me?
Author Learningandgrowing Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 You did the right thing! He was just using for sex. You went from doormat to superheroine Now, initiate NC, NC, NC, Grieve, heal, work on yourself, love yourself, learn from your mistakes, then stand up again. There would be someone for you in the future. Stay strong sister. Thank you! I am just struggling with deciding if he wronged me or not. Sometimes someone just doesn't have feelings for someone else. Relationships end. Sometimes i feel like he didn't do anything wrong but other times I think that I have been in denial and not realized how horrible of a person he was to me. I really need to figure out this internal battle. Is he bad or did he just not like me?
Light Breeze Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 I really need to figure out this internal battle. Is he bad or did he just not like me? You know, even if he didn't like you he should not have treated you that way. He is selfish and kept you for his own gratification without considering your feelings. You should get down on your knees and celebrate, you just dodged a bullet here. Anyway, thinking about this is irrelevant anymore. My advice is to love YOURSELF and don't think of him or his thoughts. You are your own self again. Find your happiness now.
Author Learningandgrowing Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 How do i get more people to give me some insight on here? I'm new to this sight and I could really use some advice.
Holmes85 Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Dear Learningandgrowing, Couple of things I want to say to you regarding your story and I really want you to pay attention : - This guy does not respect you - This guy knows he can take advantage of you anytime he wants to, since he knows how much you love him (you have displayed him multiple times by crying, pleading and texting that he still has you wrapped on his fingers, STOP THAT) - This guy has slept with how many girls now? Is this seriously the man you can look at and say "This is the guy I want to be in a relationship with or end up marrying?" - This guy has no moral value, do you want this guy to have kids with? And tell your kids that your dad was an A-Hole and slept with this many girls, while I begged and pleaded? It's very ironic to me, that this is the first time you stuck up for yourself, in fact you are doing nothing wrong and you are feeling guilty when he has displayed ZERO guilty in any of the actions he has done, you have said it yourself. Now here's what I want you to do, if you want to get your life back together. - Delete this piece of trash from the social media, block him everywhere so you don't have to deal with anything he sends. - Whatever he does, do not budge, I want you to give ZERO response to him, Silence is your best revenge here. - While you are on silent mode with him, I want you to work on yourself, gheez a girl like you who loves a man with all their heart, any normal guy would LOVE to be with you, a girl who knows what she wants is extremely attractive and also if she pours her heart and soul in the relationship, what more can a guy ask for? - Right now you have very low self esteem, I want you to rebuild it, it's going to take time, but you know what, you can start tomorrow working on it and by the end of this year, you are definitely gonna see results. - I want you to take time for yourself, enjoy things that you liked doing when you were alone, take on new hobbies, start talking with friends you have neglected before, make new friends. Focus on the people who care about you and give you confidence. If you do the above mention things, I can guarantee you that by the end of this year or even in 6-8 months, you would be a whole better than you are right now, time to work on yourself missy. If I was there, I would have treated you for a dinner together and given you a hug and wished you all the best.
Zahara Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Thank you! I am just struggling with deciding if he wronged me or not. Sometimes someone just doesn't have feelings for someone else. Relationships end. Sometimes i feel like he didn't do anything wrong but other times I think that I have been in denial and not realized how horrible of a person he was to me. I really need to figure out this internal battle. Is he bad or did he just not like me? Yes, he wronged you. When you know someone is emotionally invested and affected by you, the last thing you do is take them on a ride just because you want sex. You let them go and you let them heal from their pain because you care about their wellbeing. You don't manipulate and use their emotions for your benefit. That is what he did to you. You said several times in your post he was mean and insensitive to you. Write it all down. Read it when you start to romanticize this douchebag. And yes he was unkind to you and yes, he didn't have emotional investment or emotional depth in you. He may have liked what you provided to him, but in a healthy -- loving caring sense, he was never capable of giving that to you. Stop doubting yourself. You deserve better. Learn from this. Create better boundaries for yourself so you don't end up being tossed around by some guy who was only looking out for himself.
Author Learningandgrowing Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 Thank you so much for the responses. It feels so good to know that there are other people out there that really care about the well being of others...others that they have never met. I have been journaling all day long. I found a promp called "32 questions to ask yourself". I did this because I woke up this morning and I felt like i didn't even know who i was. Has this happened to anyone? It was the strangest feeling. I feel like i have been hiding behind my true self for so long and filling whatever voids i had with my relationship with him. He clearly was not giving me what i needed, but i think i wanted to invest all of my energy into making him love me instead of investing any time into loving myself. 3 years is quite a long time to do that to myself though. I still miss his presence though. Regardless of if he treated me badley, he was in my life for a long time. I miss his face and smell and touch and all of that. I'm starting to let go of anger though. I'm letting go of anger but at the same time i don't have any desire to be with him. I have felt a sense of peace like this before, but not quite this strong. I am scared that ill fall off the deep end again. I did block his number on my iphone, facebook blocked, email blocked, and instagram blocked. There is no possible way for him to get a hold of me. I plan on forgiving him in my heart but never speaking to him again.
Author Learningandgrowing Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 Dear Learningandgrowing, Couple of things I want to say to you regarding your story and I really want you to pay attention : - This guy does not respect you - This guy knows he can take advantage of you anytime he wants to, since he knows how much you love him (you have displayed him multiple times by crying, pleading and texting that he still has you wrapped on his fingers, STOP THAT) - This guy has slept with how many girls now? Is this seriously the man you can look at and say "This is the guy I want to be in a relationship with or end up marrying?" - This guy has no moral value, do you want this guy to have kids with? And tell your kids that your dad was an A-Hole and slept with this many girls, while I begged and pleaded? It's very ironic to me, that this is the first time you stuck up for yourself, in fact you are doing nothing wrong and you are feeling guilty when he has displayed ZERO guilty in any of the actions he has done, you have said it yourself. Now here's what I want you to do, if you want to get your life back together. - Delete this piece of trash from the social media, block him everywhere so you don't have to deal with anything he sends. - Whatever he does, do not budge, I want you to give ZERO response to him, Silence is your best revenge here. - While you are on silent mode with him, I want you to work on yourself, gheez a girl like you who loves a man with all their heart, any normal guy would LOVE to be with you, a girl who knows what she wants is extremely attractive and also if she pours her heart and soul in the relationship, what more can a guy ask for? - Right now you have very low self esteem, I want you to rebuild it, it's going to take time, but you know what, you can start tomorrow working on it and by the end of this year, you are definitely gonna see results. - I want you to take time for yourself, enjoy things that you liked doing when you were alone, take on new hobbies, start talking with friends you have neglected before, make new friends. Focus on the people who care about you and give you confidence. If you do the above mention things, I can guarantee you that by the end of this year or even in 6-8 months, you would be a whole better than you are right now, time to work on yourself missy. If I was there, I would have treated you for a dinner together and given you a hug and wished you all the best. Wow thank you SO MUCH. Before i read that i was really forgetting. After reading your reply i had a fresh new state of mind. I really appreciate your help.
Author Learningandgrowing Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 Yes, he wronged you. When you know someone is emotionally invested and affected by you, the last thing you do is take them on a ride just because you want sex. You let them go and you let them heal from their pain because you care about their wellbeing. You don't manipulate and use their emotions for your benefit. That is what he did to you. You said several times in your post he was mean and insensitive to you. Write it all down. Read it when you start to romanticize this douchebag. And yes he was unkind to you and yes, he didn't have emotional investment or emotional depth in you. He may have liked what you provided to him, but in a healthy -- loving caring sense, he was never capable of giving that to you. Stop doubting yourself. You deserve better. Learn from this. Create better boundaries for yourself so you don't end up being tossed around by some guy who was only looking out for himself. Thank You! It's just really hard for me to see someone as a bad person. I ALWAYS end up forgiving. I believe i am too forgiving and it is one of my downfalls. I always end up trying to put myself in that situation. Everyone makes mistakes. But i guess i just have to realize that i can forgive the person and still never have them in my life again.
Recommended Posts