ThreeYearsDumb Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Anybody had any luck getting "you" back? One of the things I've learned is that what I did prior to the relationship isn't really what I wanted. I spent a lot of time alone, watching way too much TV, that is simply not what I want to do anymore. I know I like being active so I've tried a boxing class, and yoga class both which I enjoyed but can't really afford to do regularly. I've spent some money on new hiking gear so I can do some trail runs, but that is kind of an alone activity for me as well, where I'd like to be more social. I've searched some meetup groups, attended ACOA support group meetings, but if you still ask me what I want to do, I have a hard time answering. I want to be with my family, but that's not an option full time. I've got free time when the kid is with the Ex, but don't enjoy doing what I did before. What is everybody else doing to get "you" back?
Light Breeze Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 I think I'm halfway there. I have a cousin who was cheated on by his wife and got divorced 10 yrs ago. After that he became more of a social person and I can say he's a better version of himself today by a mile. I asked him if I can tag along with him to meet new friends so I can work on my social skills. He said, we could do that but it would be in vain because I'll just lose myself in the whirlwind. So I asked him what do I do first. He said, find your true self, what makes you tick, what makes you happy, because everything that you do in the future would be based on who you are and your happiness. So that's what I'm doing right now. To the point of even determining whether I like white bread or wheaat bread more
Author ThreeYearsDumb Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 Start with the basics, white or wheat. I like it! 1
welshbambi Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Such a good topic. I feel like I already know who me is, my likes and dislikes and what I want out of my life as well as the things I want to fill it with. And as contrary as it might sound, a number of those things do require a romantic partner. Not because they need a partner per se but because I want them to be memories and experiences shared with someone special who will be around in 20 years to reminisce with me. I know how to entertain myself and keep myself busy for the now. Gah, sorry, not feeling so happy chappy right now. If it helps I have made a list of things I am absolutely going to do thus year. It's helped give me focus to make sure I am actually going to "do" and not just say I'm going to do. 2
batt Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 I've gone back to the gym, joined an mma academy. I wasn't exactly the most social person, but I joined the academy to get out of my comfort zone. It will lead to bigger and better things. I just cant let things that happened in my past negatively affect things in my future.
The Poster Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 I've learned who I am after my recent breakup. Actually, she helped me discover who I am in a positive way. She helped me see things in myself I was too blind to see. Good things. I love who I am as a person. I love my character and my kind, peaceful nature. I HATE the way I think though. That's what I've been working on for the past month. Sowing a new mentality. To stop worrying so much. To stop living in fear and paranoia. I've found myself to be much more confident in myself and what I bring as a person. If I can continue working on a more relaxed, positive mentality, I will be so much happier.
unforgotten Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 How do you work on that positive mentality? Please share you experience.
blackcat777 Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 I forced myself to do tons of things I loved and try new things I always wanted to try (dance class). At first, I had to literally force myself. Over time, it became less painful... and then, when you least expect it, you'll realize you feel great, that you're loving it again, and you're an even more incredible version of yourself. 2
Author ThreeYearsDumb Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 Had plans to go snowmobiling today, but my daughter has been sick and I've been house bound for three days, so of course now I'm sick. Instead of being in the powder I'm in bed with 102 fever. After spending the day with ex yesterday I was determined to do something for myself. Looks like my body had other plans. Maybe next week!
erklat Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 I've learned who I am after my recent breakup. Actually, she helped me discover who I am in a positive way. She helped me see things in myself I was too blind to see. Good things. You sound like in the end she is a positive character in your life? Even though I have found some other great stuff along the way, which I probably would not take without heartbreak she gave me, I have a special place in hell for her as described in my signature.
kenmore Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 LOL erklat, I laugh every time I read that! My wife was a hugely positive influence on me. I take away from this marriage a perspective on how to be organized (I am not, but I have seen how), a neatness fetish (I always push my chair in after getting up from the table now), a feeling like the OP said of not wanting to spend so much time in front of the TV but to go do things. Bottom line: people do change. Nobody can make them change unless they want to, but experiences do change us and we will never be the people we were "before". In my case, I am launching a new career, though it's out of necessity rather than some miraculous change that transformed me. Put all of these things together and just try to recognize me if you knew me seven years ago! I am also working on trying to get out of my "mental slump" like "the poster". To stop beating myself up and regain my confidence and I have a very long way to go! I used to have so much confidence, but my wife is a VERY strong woman (one of the things I love about her but most guys would run for the hills and many did!), and honestly being around that strength can suck confidence right out of you. Especially since she's always right LOL! The new me will be different. Can't say better, but it will be me in that new straitjacket. At this point, I'm just trying to settle in the right lane.
erklat Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 After the breakup I gained weight, I got my Alaskan malamute, started sorting my career, found myself in it after years I could not force myself so now I am very close to finish my bachelors. As of her, I wish her no better or worse but exactly the same she put me through. It can't be that bad for her if she is capable to do it to someone else, no?
kenmore Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 erklat, I wish you peace. I would try to forgive her. She had her feelings and that's OK. We all do. Obviously I don't know your situation and not forgiving may be the right thing, but it would probably help you if you did. Screw her! Do it for you! You deserve forgiveness of her because it will make YOU feel better. Today I had a convo with my wife: It started off great! I had asked her for sex and she politely said no. Later I told her I got my papers served and told her out of courtesy. That was great, she was pleased I did that, but as the convo went on, it slowly got more hostile! Slowly, she started mentioning my sister and the issues they had, and how she just wants our mariage to end! F*CK!! All I could tell myself was that she needs her space to vent. I vented plenty early on and she's still talking to me. It's her turn. All I could do was let it go. Still feeling uneasy and wishing things had been better, but maybe it's better that she got them out! It seems totally unfair to me that she takes her hostility against my sister against me, but it's how she feels! Nothing will end that. I can't know your situation and you are likely right in your feelings. I just really hope you can find some forgiveness and it will make you feel better with time. Ken
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