Girl Left Me Carbon Copy of Previous Relationship. Must be me!!!!

[simon_uk]

Hi everyone I am new here and dont really know where to begin, I will try not to make this too long but I am really upset, so please bear with me.

 

I have been with my girlfriend nearly two years. We met 6 months after I had been dumped and she had recently left her husband. She knew the problems with my last girlfriend and why she left me, basically because I wouldn't commit to her, I just didn't feel ready, we had been together almost three years but I was just scared, even though I loved her dearly. She also told me I was not as loving and tactile as she was, I agree I am not the most tactile person but I am very kind and generous in lots of other ways, i think anyway. Anyhow my new girlfriend knew all this and helped me through it, telling me I probably chased her even farther away by being to clingy and pestering her to reconsider etc, etc. It was when i finally gave up calling that I bought this side of Goodbye and it really helped.

 

So I was with my new girlfriend and though I still thought about the ex, I truly loved this new girl. I always made myself clear about being a bit scared of commitment and how I can sometimes be a bit selfish in terms of showing appreciation but that I will always be there for her and never leave her. She was always very insecure and crying thinking i would leave her but I always reassured her that I wouldn't. One of the main issues with the relationship is that she lives a good 30 miles from me. This doesn't sound far but I also work thirty miles from where i live in the opposite direction. So for me travelling to and from work and then travelling over to see her after a full days work really tired me out. She doesn't drive and had no intention of driving so it was always me who had to travel. She also only works part time as and when she wants really, so she can get up when she wants and do nothing all day if she wants. Anyhow up until just before Christmas i would go over to see her maybe once in the week and then go over on Friday and bring her back to my house to stay until Sunday or Monday. Recently though I have been just picking her up for the weekend, Friday till Sunday or Monday. It wasn't ideal but it meant I got to spend three or four days a week with her. Which I thought was enough, more would be nice but it wasn't like we never seen each other and to be honest I have got lots of other interests where she hasn't got any.

 

The time we did spend together was nice, we did lots of things like eat out a lot etc, etc but at night we mainly stayed in and watched movies. i really enjoy that as i don't drink, she likes a drink but on the few times we have been out drinking together, she just gets totally wasted to the point where she doesn't even know who I am. It is shocking. She is also on anti depressants because of her failed marriage so I don't imagine that helps when drinking. She has never been close to her family as her mother kicked her out when she was 15, her sister has been diagnosed schizophrenic and recently beat her up and her best friend ismean and nasty to her. I was the best/most stable person in her life and she loved me dearly. She has nowhere permanent to live and is forever moving around from associate to associate for somewhere to stay. Why didnt she move in with you I hear you ask? Well she is expecting a settlement from her ex (who she isnt divorced from yet), I only bought my place just before i met her and I thought it would be best that she has something to call her own first, get settled, get independent. It was probably the wrong thing for me to want but I thought it best. We argued quite a lot usually when she was pre-menstrual or if she hadn't taken her tablets, she has tried lots of different tablets. She knows I like to look at women, what man doesn't and invariably she will point them out to me, not many women do that do they? But only when she is feeling good about herself. She told me that I am not in tune with her I don't even know when her period is due, neither does she half the time. But her moods change dramatically, one day she is happy and finds anything I do hilarious, the next day the slightest thing irritates her. I like to get out of bed early in the mornings, she likes to lie in until lunch time, even though she can do that whenever she wants. So she gets upset with me for leaving her in bed in the mornings. I don't go anywhere I just egt up and like to be doing something/anything other than staying in bed. She sees this as a lack of love as i don't lie in bed and hug her. When we are in bed at night she thinks i am distant and don't hug and kiss her enough, in reality she just keeps me awake all night, snoring and grinding her teeth and i have to be far away from her to try get some peace. She also was very insecure about herself, her weight, her skin etc. She is very pale and doesn't tan at all, so she wears false tan, to makeherself more attractive to me. I do really love brown skin, I am sorry to say and I have told her she does look so much healthier and better when she wears it. it is a pain to apply and generally I put it on for her, after all it is for my benefit. But i wouldn't leave her because she isnt brown, i never say to her you look a mess, get some tan on. i just think she looks better with it. she herself will put it on when going out on a girly night so she obviously thinks it helps her appearance. I have never said she is fat! When she asks if she is overweight, i say you have a few extra pounds and if you worked out, you will tone that and look great. I try to be encouraging, not demeaning. I work out occasionally but luckily for me, my body stays healthy. She loves it. i am not being conceited, i am just lucky. But she says i make her feel bad about herself and she feels under pressure to lose weight and be brwon. I love her anyway and wouldnt leave her, I just try to help her look and feel the best she can for herself as well as me.

 

Anyway I have gone and on now. We went to visit her family in scotland last month and again she got absolutley plastered again to the point where she was just cocky and rude to me in front of her family. Some of her closest family members told me it wasn't right and that I am a lovely man and don't need that from her. We got back to the hotel and she kept me up all night snoring and moving around in her sleep. We had to be out of the hotel by 10 AM and then I had to drive us 200 miles back home. So naturally I was in a bad mood. She begged me not to leave her and couldn't apologise enough. Anyway i didn't leave her nor did i stay mad at her for long.

 

Over the last month though she has been very distant, not texting me or calling. to be honest we rarley called each other we just used texts, very anti social these mobile phones. i began to get worried and at first she said it was because she was ill, but then she aadmitted it was because Iwas always too busy for her, so she will text only when I text her, i told her i have a job and sometimes I cant talk not to mention I have just moved office and I have no signal on my phone half the time. She said she was playing the rules and that she is giving me some of my own treatment. Anyway last Friday I received a text from her saying she was thinking about not coming over at the weekend. I rang her and we talked, got angry at one and other, sent a few texts later on and she said maybe we should have a break, what did I think? I said it is upto you, I dont want one so I am not deciding. Well she came over we talked and she said it may be good for both of us? So we decided to think about if that was the right thing to do? I was very upset all weekend. Come Monday I drive her home and then I open a store account for her to buy a bed. I drive to Ikea with her friend, pick up the bed, take it back, put it in her room, she thanks me, we are kissing and hugging and laughing, I go home. The next day I send her a text asking do you love me today? She says I will always love you, I ring her and say that sounds like we have split up? she says we are having a break. I sat i thought we were discussing having a break? She says no, you knew we were we talked about it all weekend. Anyways I thought we were going to decide between us if that is the best thing to do. Turns out she has decided. I called her later and she said it just hasn't worked, you are my best friend and I will always be there for you, I just need to find myself, I have always had a partner from a young age, maybe I should be on my own. (She is 30 next month, I am 36) She said she heard me talking to a jeweller friend about a ring just before christmas and she was gutted that she didnt receive it at christmas. I told her I was going to give it to her but thought it more special to give it on her 30th. She said when i came back from holiday last year I was all over her and wanted to marry her live with her etc etc and then it changed after a few weeks. It didnt change I just didnt have a plan or a time scale. I spoke to her on tuesday told her that I wanted all of those things and she said I am just being clingy and desperate cos she has gone, then she said we are going out on Saturday anyway. I told her I dont think so i cant be friends jsut yet as I want her to be my girlfriend. No contact on Weds, then Thurs she rings em to tell me her email isnt working!!! i act stunned! She says are you too busy or cant you be bothered? I say neither but I thought you didnt want to hear from me, she says, you said that, i said I always want to be in your life, you are my best friend. Anyway she says it is working now, so i say bye. I feel guilty so send her text, saying I would always help her if i can. No response, I talk to my friend and he is as gutted as me, because he really liked her and thought we were just great together, always laughing and joking. I sent her a message telling her what he said. No response. Finally i sent her a message Thurs night, saying I would love nothing more than to be in bed watching 24 with her and eating sweets. No response. So that is that, I have not contacted her since and I haven't heard from her. Now i don't know what to do. She probably knows because of how I acted after my last relationship, I wont make the same mistake. But again I feel like if I don't contact her, she will assume I wasn't really that bothered after all. I miss her terribly already and she has pretty much said the same. her last text, said "i am sorry, it is crap isnt it, i am sad to you know, really sad"

 

she said she is nearly 30 and she wants to be settled and secure, but she refuses to get a proper job and will go out all night with her best friend who is hanging out with some really unsavoury characters. Her friend is single but has a young daughter and she has a lot of money, a good house, a nice car and my ex see's this and wants this i think.

 

So what should I do people, I am really really sorry this is so long but tried not to miss anything.

 

i hope somebody can help me.

 

Simon

 

PS we hadnt made love for a month, prior to that we were very active. occasionally I wouldn't feel like it and would tell her, sometimes I jsut dont, she has took that as me not fancying her, thats not the case, sometimes you dont feel like it when you are tired. She asked if i had ever made love to her when I couldn't be bothered. Sure i have I said. Again this was a major insult. She said she didnt have sex with her ex for the last year of being with him and we will end up the same way. Anyhow for the last month we didnt have sex, because of one thing or another, then last week she said she didnt want sex with me because it feels the same as it di with her ex. i am so confused!!!!

[acidrein_08]

Ok Simon, I'm sorry to say that I did not read your book, I mean post, but I did read the last paragraph. She sounds like a whore to me to get mad at you for not wanting to have sex. I can understand your situation even though I have never felt like not having sex . I have never hit a girl before but if a girl told me that having sex with me was like having sex with her ex then I probably would be in jail for a really long time. Thats all I have to say on this one.

[simon_uk]

Well she didnt mean having sex with me was like having sex with her ex, she meant that when she was with him, she didnt want to have sex and it now felt that way with me.

 

Simon

[Butterflye]

I have to say, as a woman, i don't agree with her sounding like a whore! Women need to be told/shown that their partner still cares for them, is attracted to them etc we are very insecure creatures!! I think that basically it's just that she felt hurt that you weren't sleeping with her because she feels this is a direct thing associated with her - basicaly meaning that you don't think she's attractive and hence don't fancy her anymore...leading to her thinking that you dont want to be with her anymore. This is probably accentuated by the fact that you can be brutally honest with her about the way she looks (eg. pale). No woman enjoys being told that they look bad, even if done in the nicest way possible! But you seem like someone who is only saying/doing these things because you are naturally very honest like that, and i don't know how you said it to he, but tact is definaltely necessary. maybe, rather thatn telling her she looks pale, when she isn't, just commenting on how nice she looks - how her skin is so gorgeous e.t.c. When she looses a bit of weight, jsut commet on it, say how nice she looks e.t.c.

 

Anyway, moving on, she seems like she has a lot of issues in her life and in a way, i think it is right that she try and be on her own for a while. She needs to learn to help herself rather than relying on others to help her. However, i think the fact that you both obviously still miss each other says something. Maybe the best thing for you to do is text her to say that you just need to tell her that you understand and respect her decision, you realise she wants to try and sort out her life etc, but the fact is you still care for her and you will always be there for her if she should need you. You just hope that she can be prepared to rely on you in this way. This will let her know that you are still around, you aren't abandoning her and will hopefully keep a link between you. After this thoug... DO NOT CONTAT HER until she contacts you. You cannot push her and you've made your side clear..the ball is now in her court.

 

Then, maybe once she's more stable, she'll be strong enough to come back to you...you'll be able to help each otehr..but i stress, through this, do not put the pressure of wanting to be with her on her. Just let her be. Be there for her, help her when you can, but be careful to not also be a doormat and let her use you. Then, when she is more aware of herself and can see how you've been, maybe then she'll rememeber she wants to be with you and maybe also by then you'll have a clearer more objective picture of her in your head and know for sure if you want to be with her. Either way, hopefully, at the worst, you'll have gained a friend and at the best, gained her back.

 

Hope all this helps

[nzchick]

I'm gona be straightforward aight??

 

I think that some of it was your fault... she was a meanie but i understand. As a woman I know how it feels when your partner doesnt reassure you wholly. My ex used to say I'm the most beautiful girl on earth that he loves everything about me.... and I still felt insecure! WHAT MORE WHEN YOU SAY.. oh just lose a bit of pounds here and there and you're gona look great!??! ANd say.. please hun put some tan on... OMG! Do you know what you did to the poor girl?? ANd she's on anti depressants and you know that she wants you to lay in bed with her till she wakes up.. why not get up in the morning do your stuffs then lay in bed again at 11 just so you'll be there when she gets up?? or leave a note and say "HI BABE I LOVE YOU IM AT THE KITCHEN MAKING US BREAKFAST...FOLLOW THE TRAIL OF BREAD LIKE HANSEL AND GRETEL". Lol well maybe not that but you get the idea..

 

 

i think she just wanted to felt loved and adored.. and you didnt give enough :/

[nzchick]

Originally posted by simon_uk

PS we hadnt made love for a month, prior to that we were very active. occasionally I wouldn't feel like it and would tell her, sometimes I jsut dont, she has took that as me not fancying her, thats not the case,

 

 

but girls take it that way and its really hard for us to change it..

 

 

I feel bad for you but i understand her too. its her fault as well.. she should get a good life on her own. you did the right thing let her learn on her own.

[simon_uk]

Thanks for the replies. I do agree, I know I am not faultless and probably didn't do all I could I could. But I still wouldn't have left her, faults or not.

 

Simon