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When he asks you 'how many men have you been with'?


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Posted
I dunno, when I get asked my number, I just answer it straightforward.

 

No harm done, no need to play games over it and beat around a bush. I've no reason to hide the men from my past.

 

You don't question their motivation for asking?

 

Like I said, it's not a big secret, but I think men who are hung up on finding this out off the bat tend to be very insecure and immature and try to use it to size you up and that is why I would find it off putting for a man I just started seeing to ask me this.

 

I mean I don't need to hide my credit score but certainly would find it strange and intrusive for a man I am just dating to ask me this. Me not choosing to answer this is not a reflection on me or about playing games but a response to his intrusiveness and lack of boundaries.

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Posted
lol. Yes it is. Its like some of the women I know who have their own interpretation of numbers (ie don't count all the ones they were drunk and don't count holiday & overseas romps, don't count the ones that weren't a good lay, etc). You have a different interpretation to rationalize a more acceptable and deceptive number. It is your private information, but there is also a lot about the guy that he can decide to keep from you because its his private information. As much as people can yell back at the person its 'not your business', the other person is entitled to decide what is relevant to them if they are to invest their future in that person. If you slept with a lot and he is a conservative guy then you are simply not right for each other, and you can both move on to seek out people who like you for exactly who you are.

 

 

OP - As NIP said giving an evasive answer for some guys will be seen as you have a high number(quite possibly way more then you you really have been with) and are embarrassed and want to avoid the topic. I think you could try being upfront and see how it goes. That includes telling him a bit about your background like you did here, so he can appreciate your nature more. There are plenty of other guys out there if this one gets worked up over 10. Its not like you have had a number of bad episodes of guys doing a u-turn on you when this topic has come before. If it goes bad and you so inclined to fudge the numbers a little to say 8 next time (hardly a omg number these days). Sleeping with a number of guys in your social circle is not ideal especially if a few of them are jerks as they'll let numerous other guys know how they had fun banging you and what you were like.

 

Its quite cute in some ways isnt it, re-defining the meaning of things so it paints you in a good light.

 

Wait til I tell my wife tonight that I never actually cheated on her because I had my fingers crossed behind my back when I was with those 5 other women so it blatantly doesnt count*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*JOKE!

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  • Author
Posted
I mean I don't need to hide my credit score but certainly would find it strange and intrusive for a man I am just dating to ask me this. Me not choosing to answer this is not a reflection on me or about playing games but a response to his intrusiveness and lack of boundaries.

 

That's what I thought. It's the context...if I fully trusted a guy, I just would not hesitate but to open up properly but I have trust issues and this stuff puts me off a little...so that's why I chose not to answer to someone I've only just met.

Posted
You don't question their motivation for asking?

 

Like I said, it's not a big secret, but I think men who are hung up on finding this out off the bat tend to be very insecure and immature and try to use it to size you up and that is why I would find it off putting for a man I just started seeing to ask me this.

 

I mean I don't need to hide my credit score but certainly would find it strange and intrusive for a man I am just dating to ask me this. Me not choosing to answer this is not a reflection on me or about playing games but a response to his intrusiveness and lack of boundaries.

 

Well, I've never been asked by someone I just met right off the bat. Nor was it something that felt like they were prying. It was at a point in time where I felt comfortable with him, and the question wasn't forced onto me.

 

So no, I never questioned their motivation. Still don't. The answer I gave never made a bit of difference, and the conversation moved on as if he'd simply asked me how the weather was.

 

It's just not a big deal to me. I know it is for some, and I know that many prefer to keep that info private. But for me, it's nothing, and I don't think the men who've asked had any motivation other than just being curious.

Posted
Its quite cute in some ways isnt it, re-defining the meaning of things so it paints you in a good light.

 

Wait til I tell my wife tonight that I never actually cheated on her because I had my fingers crossed behind my back when I was with those 5 other women so it blatantly doesnt count*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*JOKE!

 

I don't think it's fair to compare a past to someone lying about cheating. With cheating, you are in a pre-established commited relationship with rules about sleeping with other people and trust is there (presumably). Violating that is betrayal.

 

But who I slept with before I even met a man has nothing to do with him. There was no commitment made between us, therefore there can be no real betrayal.

 

IMO your sexual history is private, like your bathroom habits or your financial information. Divulge if you want to, don't if you don't.

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Posted

10 is a very low number if you ask me, but it isn't any of his business anyway.

 

He might feel inadequate if his number is lower than yours, who knows how some people think.

 

I've never asked a girl her number, and I don't know my own exactly. A few have told me during various different conversations but none gave me a figure that mattered to me, then again none of them came near my range so it would have been hypocritical of me to bother about it.

Posted

I would laugh and say wow I haven't been asked that since I was a teenager, are we back in high school now? You can say it lightly and laugh...and it'll get the point across.

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Posted

If a man asked me that I would tell him it's none of his business and scratch him off my list. Nothing says insecurity more that "so what's your number..."

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Posted
If a man asked me that I would tell him it's none of his business and scratch him off my list. Nothing says insecurity more that "so what's your number..."

 

Personally I have asked people before, just genuinely curious. And when the answer has been 1, or 80, it hasn't bothered me at all. I could understand you thinking it's insecurity if someone asks and then gets bent outta shape if it's not 'low enough' but for some people, it's just part of the 'getting to know someone' phase, especially when you start to become sexually intimate. I don't personally see what the huge deal is about someone's number in the first place, the notion that once someone has had sex with a person their 'number' is forever, permanently increased, in a way that can't be undone. Even if you are then celibate for five years. It's more a discussion around past experience and your attitudes towards sex and relationships for me. And if someone's attitude is 'casual' then that's fine too, it still helps me to learn a little thing about them.

Posted

I am all on board with discussing different experiences, but asking numbers is childish....like the other poster said, it's like being in high school when number meant something. I'm 50, and if I was single again, I wouldn't find any of that important. I would be more interested in their hobbies, interests and life experiences.

Posted
I am all on board with discussing different experiences, but asking numbers is childish....like the other poster said, it's like being in high school when number meant something. I'm 50, and if I was single again, I wouldn't find any of that important. I would be more interested in their hobbies, interests and life experiences.

 

Haha yeah, admittedly, if I was in my fifties I don't think it would really enter my mind to ask. However, it's only been around a decade since people of my age started becoming sexually active so it's usually quite interesting to see how people have spent that time. Often ends up leading into a talk about prior relationships, and so forth.

Posted

I never revealed specific details to anyone that I was dating. My husband knows how active I was before we met, but he never bothered to ask anything further. I think it scared him to know lol. I was the one that asked details because I thought it was fun to talk about the train wrecks he used to date.

Posted

Higher numbers doesn't always mean they are better at sex. Some people are just lousy lovers.

 

People just shouldn't ask and other shouldn't tell....the moral of the story is, just lie about it.

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Posted

I've dated people mainly within my own social circle which means that I've dated a few guys that he already knows. One of his friends has been trying to get me into bed unsuccessfully for a few years...I briefly dated another of his friends, and another I had a (rather embarrassing) fling with. That was actually part of reason I was suspicious 'cause he must know about this. It obviously makes me more guarded too. I couldn't really lie to him 'cause he would probably find out - but I might not see him again anyway lol

 

This is not some random guy off OLD, this a person in your social circle, who knows the people you know well.

The last thing you would want is to be the subject of idle gossip in your circle of friends and aquaintances as to how many people you have actually slept with.

I am glad you didn't say anything, it is none of his business.

Posted

I'm not sure that in this instance you should tell him, but because he doesn't seem that serious about getting to know you from the information you have posted.

 

However, if a guy has good intentions and wants to find out whether the girl he has an interest in has compatible views on sex and intimacy, I don't see what the problem is. Why are some women so evasive and defensive when faced with this question? Is it not a badge of pride to be a sexually adventurous, liberated woman? Why not be honest, or say something like "Well I'm not going to tell you my number, but I'm very liberal and not averse to casual relationships."

 

Anyway, I have the opposite problem, I'm 26 and my number is two.

I'm sure being a quasi-virgin would be a huge red flag for most women.

If I were asked about it on a date I most certainly wouldn't lie about it. I would say two, and then "because I see sex as an intimate bond and reserve it for women I have deep feelings for." If the woman asking says "yeah, I have a similar attitude towards sex" then great. If not then she can jog on.

 

Why lie and give a false impression of yourself?

Posted
It's literally nobody's business how many men you've been with and it's a big red flag for someone to ask. The best possible thing it could mean is they have bad boundaries. Usually it's going to mean the guy is insecure and afraid of women who might have an iota more experience than them OR are judgy about women having sexuality! It's none of his business, and you tell him, "I don't discuss my intimate past." Period.

 

Completely agree. When asked, I now answer "99" (after a thread I read here long ago) and never bother to see him again. :laugh:

Posted
That's the truth. However if he or she has rarely or never done the deed it may be very awkward the first several times.

 

 

nervousness and awkwardness doesn't necessarily mean inexperienced.

 

And inexperienced doesn't necessarily mean the sex will be awkward.

 

I know you are just thinking with common sense but sex is so varied from person to person.....it's a crap shoot.

 

I believe it all depends on the person and their personality, not so much on how many they have done.

Posted

Another good way to say none of your business is to say it generically: "That is never going to be anybody else's business but my own."

Posted

Someone once asked me if I had had many partners, and I replied "Well...More than the Virgin Mary, but fewer than Xaviera Hollander."

 

He didn't know who she was..... :D

Posted

What if she asks how many women have you been with? What does that mean? Happened to me once and I guessed she was insecure.

Posted

^Again, you don't kiss and tell.

Posted

People just shouldn't ask and other shouldn't tell....the moral of the story is, just lie about it.

Uh oh. Now you are in trouble. Any time someone suggests lying on this forum, it automatically means you have to lie about EVERYTHING! :laugh:

Posted

Ya gotta start somewhere....may as well be that.

Posted

He'll say stuff like 'I'm not the kind of guy you think I am. I'm a good guy'.

 

So, he's thinking he's giving off an impression that he's other than what he says he is, so he runs in and does "damage control" over something that may not even have entered your head? How does he know what kind of a guy you think he is? Self-centered much?

 

Third question: What's the right way to respond to the 'how many guys have you slept with?' question?

 

Get up and leave. Stop dealing with him.

 

He will use your truth as a bludgeon to make himself feel superior to you. If your number is any more than 2, then he's going to think ill of you. I mean, he already does---otherwise, he wouldn't have asked you that kind of a question at this point in your interaction with one another. He'll use it as an excuse to determine that you are a liar, you cannot be trusted and that you'll sleep with every guy who walks past your nose because HE is the one who is insecure. He's already shown you that by trying to do damage control on him being " a nice guy".

  • Author
Posted

Wow you know I've thought about this for a while now and maybe he wasn't even judging me that much - maybe he's just keeping it cool and casual?

 

 

Thing is I can't do that...I'm just too serious about everything. I overthink and analyse everything. My friends don't. I think I sometimes spend so long trying to control a situation to stop myself getting hurt; that I miss out from being there in the moment.

 

 

I read this rule and that rule for dating/relationships...I interpret every stage of an interaction. From the moment a man approaches me, I'm evaluating the situation; then every time I get a text, I can't just be myself and do what I would do anyway, I analyse every reply I send and what I get back; then I clam up having conversations with a guy 'cause I'll think 'what does he think of me? He must think I'm really boring' OR 'this is so much pressure, can't mess it up'.

 

 

Maybe I should just let go? I mean by stopping to pursue relationships as a goal and just see enjoying my life as a priority, assuming that things will fall into place?

 

 

I'm thinking back to when I was 17, had no prior relationship baggage - stuff was simpler then as I hadn't been hurt so I wasn't constantly analysing a guy's motives anymore. I would just do whatever came naturally to me...

 

 

Sorry I talk too much :)

 

 

</rant>

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