thecrucible Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 I'm 25, he's 26. We met through mutual friends earlier this summer. We flirted for a bit initially but I didn't know him so didn't do anything about it. Then he approached me in a bar the week before Xmas and we kissed and hit it off a bit. I'm a bit reserved and didn't know this guy's intentions so I've been a bit coy with him. I hung out with him and his friends once again for an evening, then he walked me home. He'll say stuff like 'I'm not the kind of guy you think I am. I'm a good guy'. Meanwhile, I've heard all sorts from men so I'm keeping an open mind. We've texted a bit. I don't initiate contact, just wait until he gets in touch with me, as I'm trying to keep things cool. He'll text and ask if I want to hang out last minute, which I refuse (not to play games but 'cause I am genuinely busy). I saw him last night at a New Year's Eve party with mutual friends. We talked for a bit, shared the midnight kiss, then we went onto another bar with others and danced and kissed a bit more. He walked me home after I turned down an invitation to stay at his house (we haven't even been on a date lol). He was saying he thought I was attractive, intelligent etc. While we were out I overheard a conversation he was having with a friend about an ex-girlfriend wanting to get back together. First question: Is my cynicism about this guy well-founded? Then he tells me he's been with four girls and a bit about his relationship history (his longest relationship was 6 years long), then says he doesn't care how many I've slept with....AND then he says "So how many guys have you been with?". I was so taken aback I told him that I did not want to answer that question. Second question: Why did he ask me that? I didn't want to answer because my number is 10...I don't feel ashamed or unashamed about it 'cause I can't change the past. I've been in two long term relationships, the longest being almost 3 years. I'm also looking for something real. The reason my number is so high is because I had 2-3 month things with a few jerks; then I had a few flings as well which I'd rather not think about. I am clean and have never had an STI in my life. I feel like when guys ask me this, it's very personal and private but I know that if I avoid answering, they'll think I'm hiding something. I don't ask guys this question because I genuinely don't care as long as they want a relationship and aren't infested with some disease. Third question: What's the right way to respond to the 'how many guys have you slept with?' question?
Danda Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 My guess is that he's insisting that he's not "the type of guy you think he is" because he's the type of guy who says whatever it takes to get into a woman's pants, he's projecting his own knowledge of himself onto the thoughts you 'must' be having and then trying to act pre-emtively. I mean do you insist to a first date that you're not a gold digger out of left field, just to make sure he understands that? Think about it. Then he invites you to stay at his home without having ever been on a date with you. Aha. And he wants to know the number of partners you've had because he thinks that certain number ranges indicate how 'easy' a woman is, and he's wondering if he should keep trying to get in your pants or move on. Very cynical, I know, but I'd bet dollars to doughnuts. 6
todreaminblue Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 the simple truth....if he cares that the number is high then you will know it later anyway...and always feel inadequate......and tainted...tell the truth...if he judges you unfairly...he isnt for you...for me....if i get asked this question i am honest...i cant give the guy a number..so i say that......i will always have slept with more guys than a guy i am dating has slept with women..and i am likely to say that also......i am not into competition and the guy i am with should feel the same way..i fi am with him there is no competition........i dont judge a guy i am with on how many women he has slept with or not.........deb
fred123 Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 the question i have for OP is why do you expect him to take you out on a date when you have slept with other guys without them doing that? why do some guys have it easier than other guys OP? lol
preraph Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 It's literally nobody's business how many men you've been with and it's a big red flag for someone to ask. The best possible thing it could mean is they have bad boundaries. Usually it's going to mean the guy is insecure and afraid of women who might have an iota more experience than them OR are judgy about women having sexuality! It's none of his business, and you tell him, "I don't discuss my intimate past." Period. 10
Author thecrucible Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 the question i have for OP is why do you expect him to take you out on a date when you have slept with other guys without them doing that? why do some guys have it easier than other guys OP? lol That's an interesting question but it's because I want a relationship. I don't need a fancy date - I'm happy with some coffee and conversation. With the ex love of my life (the one I was with almost three years), we never went on a date but we stayed up all night talking and then we were a couple soon after . Even if it isn't called a date, I want to actually get to know the guy as a person. The guys I had flings with, not proud of it but I just broke up with an abusive bf at the time so I had a phase where I wanted to live for myself for a bit and feel sexy - never used anyone as was all mutually understood. The past comes back to bite you if you live in a small town though no matter how discreet you try to be. My only option might be to move. I hate explaining my past. I am over it and it's no reflection on me. I had therapy to deal with the aftermath of abusive ex and it no longer affects me. People will still judge but such is life. I just want people to know me better before I open up the can of worms.
fred123 Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 but if you want a relationship and clearly sex isn't important to you then why not sleep with the guy first like you have other guys then be in a reship?
Author thecrucible Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 the simple truth....if he cares that the number is high then you will know it later anyway...and always feel inadequate......and tainted...tell the truth...if he judges you unfairly...he isnt for you...for me....if i get asked this question i am honest...i cant give the guy a number..so i say that......i will always have slept with more guys than a guy i am dating has slept with women..and i am likely to say that also......i am not into competition and the guy i am with should feel the same way..i fi am with him there is no competition........i dont judge a guy i am with on how many women he has slept with or not.........deb Thanks Deb. How old are you btw? Sorry if it is rude to ask. I'm only asking because I'm 25 so maybe there are different rules. Maybe men are going to judge me more because of my age? I agree that being honest is the best policy for the future. What struck me about this guy is that I don't feel like I know him enough to trust him with the information if you know what I mean.. like even if I had this rule to be honest, it feels like it is none of his business. I'm glad that I had my wits about me, despite being intoxicated at the time.
fred123 Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 my guess he wants sex. i know i want sex first before pursuing a reship cos i don't wanna be played or waste my time
Author thecrucible Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 but if you want a relationship and clearly sex isn't important to you then why not sleep with the guy first like you have other guys then be in a reship? You are wrong. Sex is very important to me. If it wasn't, my number would be lower. But I value love more and that is what I am after NOW. I know guys think 'why should I put in extra effort with her when others have got it easy?'. That's precisely why I don't like getting asked that question. It's intrusive. If I have sex with a guy quickly, then I shouldn't expect more...but I want to meet a guy I want more from, and therefore I don't want to risk rejection and show lack of respect for myself by getting into bed quickly. I don't have a solid rule of when to do it - but I want to get to a point where I feel like the relationship is going to develop to go somewhere and that the guy is not going to treat me like a toy, he'll see I have a heart and I'm not a plaything. I'm fed up of guys inferring that from me. There's a lot more to me than they think...and I find this topic really upsetting to think about really
toscaroscura Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 but if you want a relationship and clearly sex isn't important to you then why not sleep with the guy first like you have other guys then be in a reship? Since when is that a good strategy for a woman to get a relationship? (Hint: since never.) 7
todreaminblue Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Thanks Deb. How old are you btw? Sorry if it is rude to ask. I'm only asking because I'm 25 so maybe there are different rules. Maybe men are going to judge me more because of my age? I agree that being honest is the best policy for the future. What struck me about this guy is that I don't feel like I know him enough to trust him with the information if you know what I mean.. like even if I had this rule to be honest, it feels like it is none of his business. I'm glad that I had my wits about me, despite being intoxicated at the time. i am 45... 46 this year......damage to my rep was done in my teens.....i am an ex teen hooker.....i am also a mother of five.....and am now celibate .....i think any guy who doesnt know you well has a cheek to ask you numbers......its clinical and detached......be rest assured nine times out often that any guy who takes an interest in your numbers early is likely to judge your history.......thats why they ask......i am not one to talk or ask about a guys numbers.....because his history is not important to me....so lack of or opposite,high sexual experience has nothing to do with me dating him....what does have precdence si the guy he si today outside of sex.....that comes later anyway.....the talk... i have to disclose what i was.......so he doesnt hear from someone else....it comes from me....and he goes in knowing.....my past ....it isnt pretty......but it is part of me...it doesnt define me as a woman...if he knows me well enough...he will realize that.....always know the guy......see how he treats others......before you let them see your heart and spirit.....and your past.....be reclusive before your exclusive..............deb
coolheadal Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 OP 10 is nothing today! I know two former EX GF who had over 20 (one had 26 the and the other had 20 with me and 20 after I had caught her cheating so that makes 23) One didn't care how many she had. Well keep on getting more. The other one was pretty much the same. I don't ask these questions because your right it's your business. I do get ask that question myself. I am not hiding anything either. Pure women are hard to come by I only met one such women. Today she's doctor and married with kids. I am glad she found someone. Of course that could have been me. I know.. 2
fred123 Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 im not having a go at you and i agree its personal. im just curious as a guy to understand you species ( woman) haha if sex was important to you you wouldnt lose it easy to guys. also surely if you sleep with a guy it must mean you like him/attracted to him? the quicker you sleep with a guy the more you like/attracted to him?
Author thecrucible Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 my guess he wants sex. i know i want sex first before pursuing a reship cos i don't wanna be played or waste my time Yeah well I can see it from a guy's perspective. I don't play with guys and I think he doesn't want to be played...or he's trying to play me...who knows? From my point of view, I want a guy to demonstrate some more interest in who I am as a person and spend more one on one time with me. I'm too emotionally fragile currently to be able to have sex and not get attached afterwards...and I don't want to put up my partner count much higher; so this is where I stand. But I haven't conveyed my interest to him verbally yet as I'm still thinking and I don't like being insincere and I want to mean stuff I say. I find it hard to be vulnerable and share things (too scared of exposing myself and looking silly). I think my brain works like this - I feel closer to a guy by talking and having long private conversations about life and stuff - not all guys like that so there you go (some guys say I'm too intense because I like that).
Author thecrucible Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 im not having a go at you and i agree its personal. im just curious as a guy to understand you species ( woman) haha if sex was important to you you wouldnt lose it easy to guys. also surely if you sleep with a guy it must mean you like him/attracted to him? the quicker you sleep with a guy the more you like/attracted to him? you won't understand me heh but look I am a sweet girl who's slightly rough around the edges and I've had my ups and down, and I've been depressed at rock bottom and now no one can put out my light...and I am loving and caring and all I want is to meet a guy I can trust and bring out my caring side with. I've spent a lot of my life feeling that I need love that I didn't receive as I had few friends growing up and not a lot of praise or hugs. I had a guy I cared deeply for but he treated me badly and it didn't work out - he was physically and emotionally abusive to me. But then I met another guy who I was going to marry - but he lost interest in me sexually, stopped talking to me as much and I felt starved of attention, despite my emotional interest in him. After we broke up, this brought out a more sexual side of me and it led to the casual sex phase of my life (I had never before felt sexually appreciated by someone or had an orgasm). It made me more confident and a stronger person and I don't look back and want to change it BUT it has changed me without me wanting it to. I find it harder to fall in love now because I am more detached than I was as a young impressionable girl. The stuff that would've stirred it in me before just doesn't work anymore.... ...so I wonder what's out there and what's possible for me and whether someone can really love for who I am. I know I am flawed :/ I know I have a past. I want to meet someone who loves me anyway...
Author thecrucible Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 .....i think any guy who doesnt know you well has a cheek to ask you numbers......its clinical and detached......be rest assured nine times out often that any guy who takes an interest in your numbers early is likely to judge your history.......thats why they ask......i am not one to talk or ask about a guys numbers.....because his history is not important to me....so lack of or opposite,high sexual experience has nothing to do with me dating him....what does have precdence si the guy he si today outside of sex.....that comes later anyway.....the talk... i have to disclose what i was.......so he doesnt hear from someone else....it comes from me....and he goes in knowing.....my past ....it isnt pretty......but it is part of me...it doesnt define me as a woman...if he knows me well enough...he will realize that.....always know the guy......see how he treats others......before you let them see your heart and spirit.....and your past.....be reclusive before your exclusive..............deb Thanks for telling me your story. I feel exactly like that about my past but very few people are going to understand that...but I don't want to date a guy and find out later on that he doesn't like something. I have a few other things in my past that I'm going to take to my grave and will never tell a guy...it's against my idea of what's right to lie...but I will alter facts more favourably as this is how you play the game of life (like in a job interview)... ...euurgh if I knew this would have haunted me so much, I would change it. The casual phase was during a time where I was incredibly vulnerable, trying to sort out the train wreck of my life at the time; but I still wanted some romance in my life, I just knew that getting therapy and sorting out my demons at that time was more important so I didn't want to pursue anything serious. I was crying about this the other day. I refuse to see myself as damaged goods but it's hard not to feel like that sometimes you know... People tell you what's considered right and wrong behaviour in dating...but they never tell you what to do if you've made a mistake in the past and wish you could rewrite it xxx
Art_Critic Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 you aren't damaged goods.. 10... just tell him 65 to shut him up and if he says anything tell him to eff off... Personally he is asking something he has no right to know.. if you don't want to lie then tell him more than one. 3
spiderowl Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 You don't have to answer that question. He hardly knows you. What right has he to ask about your sexual history? Even if you were to date the guy, you don't have to answer this question. I would not answer this question honestly any longer. I'm much older than you. I haven't led a wildly liberal life, but I honestly don't think it's relevant now. Be evasive or say it's your private business and no-one else's. A guy might say lots of nice things to you. Judge him by his general behaviour and attitude towards you, not what he says. He doesn't sound very respectful to you if he's asking such questions. 1
spiderowl Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Thanks for telling me your story. I feel exactly like that about my past but very few people are going to understand that...but I don't want to date a guy and find out later on that he doesn't like something. I have a few other things in my past that I'm going to take to my grave and will never tell a guy...it's against my idea of what's right to lie...but I will alter facts more favourably as this is how you play the game of life (like in a job interview)... ...euurgh if I knew this would have haunted me so much, I would change it. The casual phase was during a time where I was incredibly vulnerable, trying to sort out the train wreck of my life at the time; but I still wanted some romance in my life, I just knew that getting therapy and sorting out my demons at that time was more important so I didn't want to pursue anything serious. I was crying about this the other day. I refuse to see myself as damaged goods but it's hard not to feel like that sometimes you know... People tell you what's considered right and wrong behaviour in dating...but they never tell you what to do if you've made a mistake in the past and wish you could rewrite it xxx So you had a patch where you engaged in casual sex? It sometimes happens. Now tell me how many guys never engage in casual sex? How should they judge themselves later on - by crying over it? It's highly unlikely a guy would cry over his sexual past unless he had a lack of one. You are really allowing yourself to be judged by a male double standard here. Do what a guy would do if he was in your position and just put it down to experience. I'm sure a guy would not feel the need to confess to every woman he talked to about it. 2
Author thecrucible Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 A guy might say lots of nice things to you. Judge him by his general behaviour and attitude towards you, not what he says. He doesn't sound very respectful to you if he's asking such questions. I'm glad I wasn't overly invested and that I kept my dignity, 'cause he feels even more like an idiot. I don't think it's him that's set off my worries - it's the fact I'm being seen as a sex toy and unfortunately this happens to me a lot with men (I don't act promiscuous or anything). I hate it. Initially it feels good to be considered attractive by some guys, but it actually sucks in the long run when you just get seen as an object. His questioning reminded me of an ex, who turned out to be controlling and would constantly quiz me about my past. He was horrible and would criticise my body euurghhh. probably the red flag is waving and it's my signal to take an about turn and scoot out of there? I just want to know like if I have a boyfriend in the future, how I am going to talk about my past should it come up and how to be evasive without it leading to more intrusive questions.
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 It's a reality that some men are only looking for more conservative women to have serious relationships with and the rest can basically go back into the sea of anonymous women or they'll just consider you hook-up material only basically and not really have any respect for you, but at this stage of the dating game not enough time has passed for him to be asking personal questions like that of you. You haven't even been dating or seeing each other, but I can understand his perspective if he is quite inexperienced...he doesn't really have great awareness. So I definitely don't think you should be talking about your values/past or what not just yet...which for some guys are closely intertwined (values = conservative sexual history). It may sound hypocritical or contradictory to guys if you say you want to be respected and want a serious relationship, after you've slept with 50 guys...a lot of guys are not going to respect that at all...they'll be like yeah whatever, let me just get in your pants then move on with my life. 10 isn't a whole lot of partners, but for your age it might be considered to some. Especially if you say that you take sex seriously are picky and conservative, or come off that...to them that would men like 3 or 4 guys max in your age group...not 10. Either way, I don't think you should take this guy seriously, he doesn't seem experienced enough and like he knows enough about what he wants, I think he'll just confuse you more than anything because of it...I wouldn't take his question too much to heart either, it doesn't sound like he was trying to pull sensitive information out of you just to judge you, he seems to have been open about his first and then asked in return...but it still can mean that's his way of finding out "what kind of girl" you are and for him, 10 might be considered a slut...or it might not be that much. The thing with young men is that, they don't generally like to be with women who have had a longer history than they have...the problem is as guys, if you've slept with 10, we know what type of guys you probably given it up to, and for them that's what makes you . The defense is always "but I didn't know they were jerks", and also be careful how you approach the serious relationship topic as well after you divulge your personal or sexual history...so try not to sound too typical as guys can hear a lot of the same stuff and they won't take you seriously. If a guy decides you're just "for fun" material, you won't know it, he'll make that conscious decision but won't ever let you know that he doesn't see something serious...but he has the information that he needs to make a decision. So gauging on the insecurity and low self-esteem/worth you may have after your romantic experiences, you should be very careful about what you say and don't say too much...but guys will ask you and they will tell when you are lying or trying to avoid the question...which may be to them just as telling. So don't get into those conversations and don't act insecure, vulnerable and filled with self-doubt...guys can sniff that out right out of you and for them that's the perfect target to take advantage of. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Actual #s always cause problems. You do need to discuss history & especially things that could affect the other person's health. Beyond that it's nobody's business. My standard answer was always "enough that I know what I'm doing & what I like but not so many that I question my own morals." Anybody who didn't take the hint & stop asking, got responses which got colder from "why do you want to know?" 9
AVarma Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Actual #s always cause problems. You do need to discuss history & especially things that could affect the other person's health. Beyond that it's nobody's business. My standard answer was always "enough that I know what I'm doing & what I like but not so many that I question my own morals." Anybody who didn't take the hint & stop asking, got responses which got colder from "why do you want to know?" Lesson learned: Don't mess with d0nnivain. 3
Omei Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 I always answer this question with the number of guys ive been with that lasted more than 1 years time. Anything smaller like two months four months a one night stand, do you even remember the connection with those people? Their body face anything? I dont not really they held no significance in my life and I wouldnt really want to include them for that fact and there's no need to make a potential problem counting the nobody's that didnt work out then get asked about them further
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