Just started dating someone with an unusual job. Don't know what to make of it all.

[jliebt]

I originally posted in the LDR forum, but really should have posted here as we aren’t in a rel and I need help more with dating issues. (*Mods..if you need to delete one thread, please delete the one in the LDR forum and not this one!*).

 

I met T on Tinder. T is a traveling sportsman from interstate. We're both mid-20s. Before anyone says anything: he's not hugely well known or conventionally "hot". Not the type who has a ton of women falling at his feet, and he is very much a “good boy” type, not a womanizer.

 

Early on it seemed neither of us took Tinder seriously. But we instantly had insane chemistry. After a while he asked for my number, started saying how much he loved talking to me, and talking about dating. For 2 months, while he traveled, we made contact every 2-4 days for a long chat. We had amazing chats about “real” stuff. No sexting; only innocent flirting.

 

We met IRL 3 weeks ago when he was here. We had two dates...but his coach was there on both dates as they were staying together. Before our 1st date he said don’t worry, his coach is like his brother. I wasn’t happy about it but didn’t want to make a fuss.

 

1st dinner date was great. Crazy chemistry. When we first saw each other, he hugged me tightly. When we left, we shared one of those long trembly hugs which says you’re really into each other, and he was giving me puppy eyes. He texted 10 minutes later, and we chatted until bedtime.

 

We met up again 2 days later. He had to stay well rested, so we agreed to relax at his hotel. T and I sat on the couch leaning on each other. It got awkward because his coach never left the room and kept controlling the conversation, even asking me dumb questions about my dating/hookups/drinking. I felt uncomfortable all night and when I left, we only managed a brief awkward hug at the door. I texted T while he was asleep: “Sorry I wasn’t very chatty. I was sleepy after a long day. I’ll see you at the game!” He sent a flirty reply in the morning and we texted a bit all day. But I was still uneasy about the 2nd date going like that.

 

Thereafter I only saw him from the stands (where I sat with his trainers) and briefly after games. I suggested another dinner and he was genuinely keen. But with a gruelling schedule all week, he ultimately couldn't find time. We texted daily though (mutually initiated). Chemistry there was as good as ever. Usually we wouldn’t talk daily, but I was wishing him luck, he was thanking me for watching etc - and these sporadic texts turned into longer chats before he slept. He kept replying in the morning too.

T lost a brutal last game and we never got to say goodbye in person. I texted him some sweet words after the game and offered to bring him some dinner, but he was exhausted and fell asleep by 8pm after texting me a bit. The next day he continued sending cute/enthusiastic texts, including one saying we “absolutely!!” had to do [something we had long planned] when he’s back. We stopped when he had to fly.

 

The latest exchange: I’ve avoided texting him since he only got 10 days at home for the holidays, and he kept training too. Day after he got home he liked my Facebook status. 2 days later I texted him merry Xmas and he answered eagerly. I only got around to replying 12 hours later. He replied instantly, seeming keen for a chat. I was still busy so I only texted every 10-12 minutes, but he kept replying instantly. He fell asleep but replied my last text in the morning. I had another busy day, so I replied 7 hours later. He answered instantly. 20 minutes later I replied but he didn’t answer that (it wasn’t something which needed an answer, and it was Friday night).

 

We haven’t talked since Dec 26. He didn’t text me for New Year’s. I know he was due to fly to his next stop on Jan 1, so part of me says don’t be so harsh on him, I’m dealing with someone who lives on a crazy schedule...but I’m still confused.

 

And I don't know what to make of it all so far. Even after the 2nd date hiccup, he still seemed so into me all along. But now a week’s silence?!

 

He returns here in 10 days’ time, for 3 weeks. I’m going to try to get some private time with him. In the meantime I’m tempted to text him to touch base but I don’t know...we're close and I know he doesn’t mind me texting him anytime, but I’m just not sure if it’s a good idea.

 

Thoughts? Happy to clarify anything I've said. Sorry for the length..it is a long story!

Edited January 2, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Els]

- **We’re obviously still in the early stages. I’m wondering if our communication levels are normal/appropriate for this point in time? We keep in touch by SMS. It’s what we both like, and we’re both pretty busy, especially him with his endless training schedule. We still sometimes go 1-4 days with zero contact. When we do talk, he replies me either instantly (sometimes within one minute) or when he has a moment in his busy day. So far we’ve shared out contact initiation quite evenly. But there are times when, after some sporadic back-and-forth, he suddenly stops replying –mainly if it’s during the day, he rarely does that at night. If he falls asleep at night after I send a reply, he usually replies in the morning. Right now I’m waiting for him to initiate the next round of contact, since I initiated the Christmas text. And although I'm by no means a needy person or particularly heavy texter, I must admit I’m getting a bit restless and uncertain as it has been 3 days.

 

Given that you're technically still friends and not gf/bf yet, 1-3 days sounds like a normal timeframe for communication to me. If and when you both decide to enter into a LDR, then you can have a frank talk with him about your communication needs.

 

-I’m extremely worried that we’ve had NO private time IRL so far. We've always had fantastic chemistry, but I’ve had to rely on our private texting to keep the spark alive. Having a third person there during our dates is a total chemistry dampener, especially as I don’t know his coach well, even though we get along. I fear he’s going to lose romantic interest in me because I’ve had no chance to fully express myself IRL. I know for a fact he’s quite inexperienced with dating, so he could easily mistake this to mean we have bad in-person chemistry. I’m not sure what to do about this. Communicate honestly about it, maybe??

 

I agree, this is concerning. You say he will soon be visiting you for 3 weeks though? It wouldn't hurt to wait and see what happens then. I know it's tempting to analyze everything right now, but I think the best thing to do is to focus on other things until he comes back. See how things develop in person.

[justwhoiam]

He is from interstate and he is constantly travelling because he’s a sportsman.

What does "from interstate" mean? If he's from overseas and you're in the US, does that mean he's European living in Europe?

 

he started falling for me.

How do you know that? I don't want to break your sweet bubble, but traveling sportsmen might have women in so many places... so that they can have nice company wherever they go.

 

We got into a pattern of contacting each other every 2-4 days for a long text chat. This went on even while he travelled and the chats were amazing.

He might have other people to text the days he's not texting you.

 

his coach was there on both dates.

Maybe the coach is making sure nothing happens during the dates, especially before a sport event. Many coaches are against that.

 

the chemistry there was as good as ever.

What do you mean when you talk about 'chemistry'? How do you assess chemistry through texting? Please explain. Is he trying to sext with you? Flirt? Or?

 

I did text him merry Christmas, he replied enthusiastically, and we texted a bit until the next evening. I haven’t heard from him since though

You wrote your thread on the night of the 26th, so you were still texting then. What made you lost then? Because now the problem is he didn't text you since the 27th, isn't it? He's being inconsistent with his texting pattern and that might have more than a reason. He might want to slow down with you, especially if he just feels like keeping in touch and having a casual date with you now and then. He might be busy texting other women, so he alternates days/nights making everyone almost happy. Or he might be just not that into you to text you every day, and he doesn't want to give you wrong signals. Whatever his reason, this is the current state of things.

 

He started pursuing me romantically first

How did he do that?

 

I’m wondering if our communication levels are normal/appropriate for this point in time?

Yes, they are for people who met from a chat and dated casually.

 

I’m extremely worried that we’ve had NO private time IRL so far.

This is something you can ask directly, like: do we always have to go out with your coach or can we do anything just for us two? He will then tell you what the deal is. Maybe he signed a contract with certain rules and must stick to them. You can't know until you ask.

 

I’ve had to rely on our private texting to keep the spark alive.

It's a delicate state of things. You're no more than some acquaintance right now, so you're not in a position to do something more daring, like calling whenever during the day or at night. I feel you need to cross that line first, before mentioning great chemistry, romance, falling in love. And I'm not sure he wants you to cross that line. And if that doesn't happen, you're stuck.

 

I know for a fact he’s quite inexperienced with dating

How do you know "for a fact"?

 

I have relatives in two of the countries which he frequents, but still, that’s not ideal.

Who knows if he would even like you to be there? Really, I don't want to crush your dreams, but it's very likely he knows and sees other women overseas.

 

I really like him but I don’t even know if this whole thing is worth pursuing.

You should ask him if he's seeing other women, and how many. You could ask him what he thinks of you. How old is he? How old are you? You could ask him what he would like his life to be 3 years from now. And then see what he says. These things are best discussed in person or on the phone, rather then through texts, because if you write anything like that, he might take his time to answer, thinking of what's best to answer, etc, and his answers wouldn't be immediate and genuine anymore.

[jliebt]

Thanks for the responses so far. I'll condense my answers in one go here.

 

Firstly I want to make it crystal clear that I'm not living in any sweet bubbles and dreams here. I've made that mistake far too many times not to have learned my lesson. I've been trying to take a steady approach to this whole thing, and my loved ones all say I've actually done well so far. I may sound angsty in my post, but that's only human.

 

He, let's call him "T", is from another state in the US. We are both in our mid twenties.

 

Yes T is a traveling sportsman, but he's not super well known, nor is he conventionally good-looking or "hot". He's quite unassuming. Not exactly the type you may have in mind who has women falling at his feet. Of course I'll always keep some healthy doubt in my mind about whether he's talking to other women, until/if we reach a point of total trust in the future.

 

Regarding his lack of dating. I was with him and the coach one day, and the coach kept making us talk about our past dating and hookups (don't even get me started. I flipped at the coach for asking me those sorts of intrusive questions). T said he had never previously dated anyone as he was hardly in the country for the past 7-8 years, he spent so much time traveling around Europe for training etc.

 

As for our private texting. No, we never sext. At most we do a bit of innocent flirting. From the very beginning, we've always only had real conversations about ourselves, life, funny stuff. In our early chats we each signaled to the other in some way that we weren't looking for romance of any kind (casual/serious), but that changed as we got to know each other. He started saying how much he loved talking to me, and he was the first one to raise the prospect of dating. So to answer that question, that's how the chemistry and attraction developed - when we realized we click and can talk to each other endlessly. We're much more than just "acquiantances", we actually consider ourselves to be close and we acted as such when we spent time together. Whether that closeness becomes a bf/gf or a just friends situation, I don't know yet.

 

About our texting patterns. As I said, for the past two months we talked every 2-4 days, for several hours right until he had to sleep. While he was in town, we texted daily because we were arranging dates, he was letting me know his game times, I was wishing him luck, he was thanking me for attending his games, and so on. But 2-4 days has been normal otherwise. We're very comfortable with each other, to the extent that I know I could text him randomly, whenever I want and he wouldn't mind, but at this stage I'm choosing to hold back a bit and not overdo it. He might be texting other women, sure. But he's also an extremely hardworking and focused type who keeps up a heavy training and competition schedule all year, so I'm skeptical that he has the time or energy to distract himself with multiple women. I've touched on the topic in a very roundabout way and he indicated that I'm the only girl he's pursuing. Though as I said...I'm keeping some healthy doubt in my mind.

 

The coach came along because they stay together and dine together when traveling. But really, nothing was going to happen, with or without the coach there. T is an absolute gentleman in the way he treats me. Even if the coach wasn't looking or was briefly out of sight, and even though we hung out in his hotel room for our second date, we've done nothing beyond T putting his arm around me, hugging, and leaning on each other. All very innocent.

 

I agree it's best for me to lay low until he returns and gauge the situation in person. I plan to let him initiate the next date, and if/when he does, then I'll definitely ask that we make it just us this time. And if the time is right, then for sure, there are a number of things we'll have to discuss.

 

Believe me, I've always been cynical of Tinder and I'm always skeptical of people I meet online until I meet them IRL. This has been a very rare exception where I actually think I might have come across a really, truly nice person who's not out to use me.

Edited December 29, 2014 by jliebt

[justwhoiam]

Everything is clearer now.

 

My first thought would be that as an athlete of a certain level, he'd be quite self-absorbed. That means - even if he's a gentleman - you shouldn't expect much regarding being there for you or doing things for you. You might say you don't need that, but that's one of the things that can make you fall out of love in a relationship, when it's mainly you making efforts. In the long run, it can consume a woman. That'd be my main concern right now. I was in my mid twenties a long while ago

[jliebt]

I already got my first taste of that, hardly being able to see him during his event. He is such a lovely person but for sure, (understandably) very much focused on his career.

 

I'm a bit mad at myself because I did everything perfectly and stayed ever so slightly aloof until I met him IRL, but I think I came on too strongly after we met IRL. I don't know, I just felt "safe" to express myself more since he was pretty expressive of his feelings for me prior to and as soon as meeting IRL.

 

I guess what bugs me the most is the silence because after meeting me IRL, he actually increased contact. I mean the guy was so keen he texted 5 minutes after our first date to ask for a second! And even when I was coming on strongly, he said things to reciprocate. He still replies instantly to me, as I said. But now, nothing for 3 days plus. I keep reminding myself it's the holiday season, he's probably very busy with family stuff, and he mentioned that he's already training for his next event. OTOH I just don't see how he can't take a few seconds to send a brief text or two if he's really still into me.

 

As you all say though, I must avoid driving myself nuts over everything before I see him in person again!

[fred123]

im curious what sport he plays. i can only assume he hits balls.

 

dont get too invested thats my advixe

[jliebt]

im curious what sport he plays. i can only assume he hits balls.

 

dont get too invested thats my advixe

 

I would PM you the answer but I don't yet have access to PMs, sorry!

 

My head agrees with your advice. Trying my best not to. Now I finally know what people are talking about when they talk about meeting the right person but the circumstances just aren't right. It's not a great feeling.

Edited December 30, 2014 by jliebt

[justwhoiam]

I think he'll text you for new year's eve anyway. If that happens, you could return the happy new year and type "I'm happy you wrote... I thought you forgot about me"

[jliebt]

Yes I plan to say something like that, maybe a bit milder, if he texts. But I doubt he will if he hasn't bothered saying anything to me in 4 days.

 

I guess only time will tell, but our lack of private time IRL really has been our downfall and a roadblock to us progressing from where we already were. We're comfortable enough with each other to say almost anything, so if I can get that private time then I'll try to press the "reset" button by having a laugh about what's happened so far, and take things from there.

Edited December 31, 2014 by jliebt

[fred123]

just see how it goes. i know how you feel. you really like him and want to be with him like his boyfriend etc but he is happy to play the field probably.

 

just see what happens and then ask him. don't get hurt, don't get too emotionally involved and when you are ready you ask him.

 

just taking a stab he plays tennis or soccer?

[jliebt]

Neither of those sports. Something slightly less mainstream than that. I don't really want to divulge on a public forum, though.

 

I don't know if he's playing the field or what. He has spent significant time and energy on me so far for someone who's so busy, and he clearly isn't using me for sex or even makeouts/hookups. I don't know what he's up to. Trying my best to detach a bit.

[angel.eyes]

Between training and travel, it's a tough life. He won't be able to give you as much attention as you wish.

 

I understand that you don't think he could be a womanizer, and he isn't in a high profile sport, but professional athletes generally get around. He met you on Tinder...You weren't the only woman he ever contacted that way. He has a chaperone who was joined at his hip on both dates for a reason.

 

Just see were things go, but try to minimize how emotionally invested you get.

[jliebt]

Between training and travel, it's a tough life. He won't be able to give you as much attention as you wish.

 

I understand that you don't think he could be a womanizer, and he isn't in a high profile sport, but professional athletes generally get around. He met you on Tinder...You weren't the only woman he ever contacted that way. He has a chaperone who was joined at his hip on both dates for a reason.

 

Just see were things go, but try to minimize how emotionally invested you get.

 

Oh believe me, that's not why said "chaperone" (let's call him H) was there. I can understand why H came with T on the 1st date, since I was someone T had met off Tinder. And the 2nd time round, well I was visiting them at their hotel. H is far less of a gentleman than T is. On top of asking me those intrusive questions about my prior "antics" during that 2nd date, H has on various other occasions made slightly sleazy comments at me, or about me and T. Whereas T has done nothing close to that, he treats me with complete respect.

 

And you're right, T doesn't stay in one place for more than 1-4 weeks, it's definitely a tough life. In our early chats he actually signaled that he wasn't looking for any kind of romance "because I'm never in your town". But as I said, that changed as he got to know me better. I almost wish he hadn't started chasing me, because I too started out talking to him not looking for anything..I don't take Tinder seriously, as I said.

Edited January 2, 2015 by jliebt

[angel.eyes]

Oh believe me, that's not why said "chaperone" (let's call him H) was there. H is far less of a gentleman than T is. On top of asking me those intrusive questions about my prior "antics" during that 2nd date, H has on various other occasions made slightly sleazy comments at me, or about me and T. Whereas T has done nothing close to that, he treats me with complete respect.

 

His coach was simply doing his job, even though you found his questions offensive. The coach handled the intrusive questions that your Tinder guy wanted to ask, but couldn't without looking like a total jerk.

 

FWIW, there are women who specifically target athletes. They are both getting a feel for you, your history, and what you might tolerate.

[jliebt]

His coach was simply doing his job, even though you found his questions offensive. The coach handled the intrusive questions that your Tinder guy wanted to ask, but couldn't without looking like a total jerk.

 

FWIW, there are women who specifically target athletes. They are both getting a feel for you, your history, and what you might tolerate.

 

Intrusive questions and sleazy comments aside, H and I get on well and he seems to really like me. He even added me on Facebook and PM-ed me to say hi...lol

 

FWIW H also made T talk about that stuff in my presence. T said he has never dated anyone because he spent much of the past 7-8 years traveling round Europe for development.

 

Bottom line, T and I are close and we just click amazingly well, so I think we'll remain good friends even if the dating doesn't work out. I'm just trying so hard not to get impatient while we're still in the midst of sorting out the dating question.

[spiderowl]

It all sounds pretty weird to me. Why was the coach there at your meetings. Why did this guy you like allow him to be there and to ask impertinent questions of you? The guy you like is either very immature or there is something else going on between him and the coach that you are not aware of. The coach seems to be in control of him.

 

I think you'd be better off not getting attached to this guy; there is something seriously amiss there.

[FitChick]

Unless you can afford to travel to him for his games or start working for the team, it doesn't look good.

[jliebt]

It all sounds pretty weird to me. Why was the coach there at your meetings. Why did this guy you like allow him to be there and to ask impertinent questions of you? The guy you like is either very immature or there is something else going on between him and the coach that you are not aware of. The coach seems to be in control of him.

 

I think you'd be better off not getting attached to this guy; there is something seriously amiss there.

 

They just have a very special coach-pupil relationship because H has coached T since T was 9 years old.

 

Yes as I said in post #7, T seems quite immature/inexperienced with dating, so I doubt he realizes just how uncomfortable I was having a 3rd person on our dates. Or that it meant I couldn't really be myself around him.

 

T didn't participate in asking those questions, he actually stayed silent and didn't encourage it. Meanwhile I told off H for asking me those questions.

 

Unless you can afford to travel to him for his games or start working for the team, it doesn't look good.

 

Sigh, yes that's the reality. I'm able to meet him on the road once/twice a year and he does spend 2-4 blocks of time per year in my town, but no way would I drop everything to follow him around.

[insert_name]

Unfortunately I cant add much to the discussion, Im just intrigued at what sport has a nomadic life involving a constant tour of the country rather than a home/away match basis, periodically coming back to the same area for a week or two. I'm guessing something like UFC/wrestling.

[jliebt]

Unfortunately I cant add much to the discussion, Im just intrigued at what sport has a nomadic life involving a constant tour of the country rather than a home/away match basis, periodically coming back to the same area for a week or two. I'm guessing something like UFC/wrestling.

 

Sorry, as I said I don't want to disclose that on a public forum because you just never know who's reading, I have to respect his privacy too.

 

Note to anyone reading...as curious as many no doubt will be, I would really appreciate it if we don't speculate as to which sport he's in. Thanks

[acrosstheuniverse]

And you're right, T doesn't stay in one place for more than 1-4 weeks, it's definitely a tough life. In our early chats he actually signaled that he wasn't looking for any kind of romance "because I'm never in your town". But as I said, that changed as he got to know me better. I almost wish he hadn't started chasing me, because I too started out talking to him not looking for anything..I don't take Tinder seriously, as I said.

 

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be snarky but I genuinely don't know why you think he has been 'chasing' you... you've met up with this guy twice, the second of which wasn't even a date (you went to his hotel room), neither of those times were you alone. He's old enough to be competing professionally and travelling, he's old enough to tell his coach to get lost for a few hours so he can have dinner with a girl he's interested in, and yet he didn't. And I don't buy it for a second that the questions his coach was asking you came from the coach alone, if they had have done and T cared about impressing you he'd have told him to knock it off and show you some respect, instead he let the coach ask the questions he probably wanted to know himself but didn't want to look like a total sleazebag by asking. Staying silent IS him encouraging that kind of behaviour. Just because he didn't enthusiastically and verbally join in doesn't mean he wasn't in on it.

 

Added with the fact you'd rarely see him even if you did start dating, I wouldn't even bother putting any further thought into this guy. The fact you're reading into stuff like him liking one of your statuses, or saying 'hi' on facebook messenger, shows me that you're already emotionally invested and I don't see that he's done anything to give you reason to feel that way. Sorry to say it but he probably has girls in every town he visits that he and his coach use for passing entertainment, and the way the coach spoke to you and the lack of effort he put into seeing you or going on a date tells my spidey sense that maybe they get a kick out of seeing how much women will put up with just because he's a professional athlete... maybe even scoping you out for a threesome. He didn't text you for NYE, didn't accept your invitation to dinner... I know he's busy but if he liked you, you'd know it. If he liked you, he'd have rang you at NYE, or if he didn't have a spare second to meet for dinner he'd be taking you on a skype dinner date where you both get takeout and sit and eat together on webcam.

 

If someone likes you enough to put the effort in (which they HAVE to do if it's going to be such a long distance, difficult thing as this would be), you wouldn't be questioning what was up with him or how he felt about you, you'd know already. Don't waste any more time on this one.

[jliebt]

I thought I would give this an update as I'm sure some are wondering.

 

No, he is not out to get me or any funny stuff. I would have known long ago if that were the case. He is just a genuinely nice person.

 

We only saw each other once, very briefly, while he was here again, because we were still going through that weird, uncertain phase which I previously described. But towards the end of his stay, we were increasingly back in SMS contact, and I think our conversations really reminded us of why we liked each other so much in the first place. So we really broke down that wall that had gone up before.

 

The night before he left, he suddenly said something to me which clearly showed that he deeply likes me as a person. Unfortunately, he caught me off guard, because he rarely says such emotional things. So I panicked and started rambling about other things, and didn't take the conversation where in hindsight he was obviously hoping it would go (a discussion about how we feel about each other). Then we fell asleep, and he left for Europe in the morning. If only we hadn't wasted so much time on that cold war, then I could have made time in my busy schedule to see him before he left.

 

So now we're stuck with a situation where we both know deep down that we've fallen for each other...but have just left things hanging. So many things should have been said that night, and I almost still want to say those things to him. But it seems pointless since he'll be in Europe for the next 9 months, and I feel like if we tried to be in a relationship now, it would just crash and burn quickly. I've almost resigned myself to the reality that we'll only ever be together if we still like each other this much when he retires from sport in a few years' time.

 

It's all like a bad movie about two people who are totally right for each other, but met in the wrong time and place

Edited January 29, 2015 by jliebt