Chief Wiggum Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Just thought I'd get an idea on how much this would or should be an issue. I understand it varies upon the situation and the people involved, so a quick overview on what's prompted me to enquire: Well, she's hardly an ex. Just someone who I once had a casual, FWB relationship. I've been seeing my GF for about 3 months now (but have known each other for years). A disagreement between us arose today regarding me being increasingly involved in a group chat (whatsapp) with old friends that include this person I once used to see. Up until recently (during this Christmas period) I'd never been required to meet this person, and all interactions had remained within this group chat (and occasionally private chat when needed). Girls, or fellas, if put in a similar situation, how much do you think it would concern you? Thanks, Chief Oh, and other things to note in case you were wondering. - Casual fling lasted over a period of around 12 months - Casual fling came to an end around 3 years ago - She'd been in touch with me here and there since. Frequency increased since us old friends re-united on whatsapp
Author Chief Wiggum Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 Why do you want to keep in contact? It's a group chat. I keep in contact with a group of friends. She's part of the group. We're all friends.
aggie382 Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 It's a group chat. I keep in contact with a group of friends. She's part of the group. We're all friends. Start a new chat that doesn't include her.
Danda Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 So many possible factors.. And honestly, you know if you're doing something wrong or if your feelings are not in the right place. And if that's the case, it's going to show in your behavior more likely than not. What I can already tell from your explanation is that your girlfriend knows that you used to have sex with this woman. How did that come about in conversation? That would reveal certain things, I'd think. If you're behaviors and feelings are innocent, then it's a matter of whether or not your behaviors are provoking a jealous reaction. And honestly in a case like that, either your behaviors are suspicious or your girlfriend is a lunatic. There's rarely much grey area with this sort of thing. If you guard your phone like you'll die instantly if anything happens to it, quickly cover the screen when your girlfriend enters the room, or are chatting with this one ex-FWB waaaay more than all of the other "friends" and so on - that behavior will naturally cause a suspicious / jealousy reaction, and either you're up to something or you're trying to make her jealous, neither of which are cool. If you girlfriend just so happened to notice that you had some convo with friends and an ex-FWB was in the group, and she flipped her **** on you, then she's a lunatic. It's usually pretty clear like that, honestly.
Author Chief Wiggum Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 Start a new chat that doesn't include her. Well, needless to say, it's not as easy as that. We're a group of friends who once used to hang out together. You can't suddenly exclude one person for reasons not only unknown to her, but out of her control.
Author Chief Wiggum Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 So many possible factors.. And honestly, you know if you're doing something wrong or if your feelings are not in the right place. And if that's the case, it's going to show in your behavior more likely than not. What I can already tell from your explanation is that your girlfriend knows that you used to have sex with this woman. How did that come about in conversation? That would reveal certain things, I'd think. If you're behaviors and feelings are innocent, then it's a matter of whether or not your behaviors are provoking a jealous reaction. And honestly in a case like that, either your behaviors are suspicious or your girlfriend is a lunatic. There's rarely much grey area with this sort of thing. If you guard your phone like you'll die instantly if anything happens to it, quickly cover the screen when your girlfriend enters the room, or are chatting with this one ex-FWB waaaay more than all of the other "friends" and so on - that behavior will naturally cause a suspicious / jealousy reaction, and either you're up to something or you're trying to make her jealous, neither of which are cool. If you girlfriend just so happened to notice that you had some convo with friends and an ex-FWB was in the group, and she flipped her **** on you, then she's a lunatic. It's usually pretty clear like that, honestly. Hey, thanks. In answer to some of your questions... How did GF come to know? I've been friends with her since high-school. So over the years she's been aware of some of the girls I've been out with. She'd known about this girl way before we began seeing each other. In fact, she knew at the time I was having a casual relationship with her. And when I began talking on this group chat, she remembered who she was. Your heart in right place? I know my heart is. Most definitely. Are you secretive? Nope. I've always been transparent. Never guard my phone. She's got the pass-code to it and sometimes uses it if she needs to. I've even offered it to her to go through the chats (she declined). I think her paranoia/dissatisfaction may have finally came to surface when we met over the holidays and she saw her in person (although she hasn't specifically mentioned that being what's bothering her). She's maintaining the stance that, regardless of it having previously been serious or not, you shouldn't remain in regular contact with her if you're currently in a committed relationship.
preraph Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 If you, in your own mind, are 100 percent sure that under no circumstances would you cheat with your present gf with this person, then if you can convince the gf of that, I see no reason for her to be excluded from group chat. I have to raise this issue, though. Seems like an awful lot of women agree to FWB because they're actually hoping for more and then are disappointed. Do you think this girl would like to date you and be your gf? If so , you're doing her a disservice as well by continuing to give her hope.
darkmoon Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 so you are communicating on-line with a girl you were having sex with? I'd end up breaking your computer, or leaving you to find a man that put me first.
Author Chief Wiggum Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 If you, in your own mind, are 100 percent sure that under no circumstances would you cheat with your present gf with this person, then if you can convince the gf of that, I see no reason for her to be excluded from group chat. I have to raise this issue, though. Seems like an awful lot of women agree to FWB because they're actually hoping for more and then are disappointed. Do you think this girl would like to date you and be your gf? If so , you're doing her a disservice as well by continuing to give her hope. "Seems like an awful lot of women agree to FWB because they're actually hoping for more and then are disappointed" With her, I don't think that was the case. At the time she seemed really cool with keep it non-serious. "Do you think this girl would like to date you and be your gf?" I don't think she would like to become my GF. Definitely not. However, if the opportunity arose for us to sleep again (i.e. if I was single), I'm think she'd be open to picking up from where we left off. Which, I guess, kinda' validates my GF's concerns. Only to an extent.
Sandrino Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Hey, thanks. In answer to some of your questions... How did GF come to know? I've been friends with her since high-school. So over the years she's been aware of some of the girls I've been out with. She'd known about this girl way before we began seeing each other. In fact, she knew at the time I was having a casual relationship with her. And when I began talking on this group chat, she remembered who she was. Your heart in right place? I know my heart is. Most definitely. Are you secretive? Nope. I've always been transparent. Never guard my phone. She's got the pass-code to it and sometimes uses it if she needs to. I've even offered it to her to go through the chats (she declined). I think her paranoia/dissatisfaction may have finally came to surface when we met over the holidays and she saw her in person (although she hasn't specifically mentioned that being what's bothering her). She's maintaining the stance that, regardless of it having previously been serious or not, you shouldn't remain in regular contact with her if you're currently in a committed relationship. She is very right there. Its not fair in my book to keep in regular contact with someone you had feelings for. The fact that its possible to spark feelings for them again, and the constant fear of worrying about that, is not fair to her. Thats just my opinion. You may say something isnt there for your ex, but something once was, and you also may say it cant happen again, but if it happened before, it certainly can come about again. Don't put that stress on her. I say put the past behind you and be fully committed to your current girl. Dont give her any unnecessary fears. 2
Author Chief Wiggum Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 so you are communicating on-line with a girl you were having sex with? I'd end up breaking your computer, or leaving you to find a man that put me first. Well, it's not quite like that. I'm not sure if you've ever used 'Whatsapp' before? It's an instant-messaging app for your phone. It's pretty much replaced the conventional method of of texting. And its group chats allow you to conveniently keep in touch with groups of friends. So I'm not communicating specifically with her online in the way you're thinking.
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Am I crazy? I would have no problem with my boyfriend talking to a former FWB from three years ago, especially in a group chat setting. Making him exclude her seems like a wild overreaction. I don't see any problem with talking to an ex unless there are lingering feelings involved. If you don't think you can avoid the issue, just show your girlfriend your chats when they happen. She will feel better knowing you took the initiative and felt comfortable showing her.
MissBee Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 I'm not an irrationally jealous person. I know it is possible to have had a sexual or romantic relationship with someone in the past and no longer see them that way. I certainly have had a romantic or sexual relationship with someone and then it ended and we may still talk every now and again and trust me, the last thing I'm thinking about was remember three years ago when we used to have sex...I mean...it happened and it's not like I don't remember but it's not something I think about or desire. So that said, I fully understand for a SO it may be just the same. I therefore don't get that caught up in retroactive jealousy and obsessively being worried about my SO interacting with an ex. What I need is transparency and so long as their behavior isn't secretive, sketchy or inappropriate (late night calls, late night texts, one on one meet ups alone, he invests in this person emotionally more than he does me and such for example) then I'm not worried. If he gives me no reason to think he's doing anything weird then I trust that he is capable of interacting with this person without it being anything more. 2
aggie382 Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Well, needless to say, it's not as easy as that. We're a group of friends who once used to hang out together. You can't suddenly exclude one person for reasons not only unknown to her, but out of her control. It's happened all the time in my circle of friends -- someone joins the circle, someone is removed from the circle. And your 'friends' should understand why this must be. 1
Author Chief Wiggum Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 She is very right there. Its not fair in my book to keep in regular contact with someone you had feelings for. The fact that its possible to spark feelings for them again, and the constant fear of worrying about that, is not fair to her. Thats just my opinion. You may say something isnt there for your ex, but something once was, and you also may say it cant happen again, but if it happened before, it certainly can come about again. Don't put that stress on her. I say put the past behind you and be fully committed to your current girl. Dont give her any unnecessary fears. True. And that's why I do appreciate her concerns. But do you think the fact that.... me not keeping in contact with her individually/privately (only through a group chat/forum) .... makes it more tolerable?
Gaeta Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 - She'd been in touch with me here and there since. Frequency increased since us old friends re-united on whatsapp Your girlfriend knows that is how it starts. An innocent running across an ex lover, then random contacts, then contacts on regular basis, then.... When I am in a relationship I do not chitchat with ex lovers by respect toward the man I am dating. I expect the same respect in return. There are plenty of people out there to socialize with without them being ex fwb.
Sandrino Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 (edited) True. And that's why I do appreciate her concerns. But do you think the fact that.... me not keeping in contact with her individually/privately (only through a group chat/forum) .... makes it more tolerable? I do not personally. But thats just me. Out of respect for my woman, i would never contact any of my exes. Hell, out of respect for myself, i wouldn't even talk to them, because i myself knew, that i could spark feelings for them again, and i dont want to do that. I think you know what you need to do. I think the fact that your defending her, and posting about it on here, shows that its becoming a problem in your feelings. I think you still have a thing for this girl, and you need someone to tell you its ok to still talk to her. But once again, this is just my opinion. Edited January 2, 2015 by Sandrino
MJJean Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Man runs into ex online in a group chat or some such thing. Man and ex chit chat here and there, totally innocent. Then they start PM's and/or calls. They then become involved again in some way, either emotional or physical. 'We're just friends who chat sometimes online.." is almost as cliche as "My wife doesn't give me love/sex. Only you understand me and appreciate me, baby." I don't maintain contact with anyone I have slept with in the past and neither does my husband. It's simpler that way. No one has to wonder if an old spark is flaring.
darkmoon Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 (edited) Well, it's not quite like that. I'm not sure if you've ever used 'Whatsapp' before? It's an instant-messaging app for your phone. It's pretty much replaced the conventional method of of texting. And its group chats allow you to conveniently keep in touch with groups of friends. So I'm not communicating specifically with her online in the way you're thinking. is this the sort of thing you say to your girlfriend? no wonder she is pissed, you do not respect her, or even care if she is happy or sad you just want some1 to tell you how wrong your girlfriend is, but the chick in wassup? naaah, she is nice, there she is, smiling on wassup Edited January 2, 2015 by darkmoon
Author Chief Wiggum Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 It's happened all the time in my circle of friends -- someone joins the circle, someone is removed from the circle. And your 'friends' should understand why this must be. No, that's not how it works.
Author Chief Wiggum Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 is this the sort of thing you say to your girlfriend? no wonder she is pissed, you do not respect her, or even care if she is happy or sad you just want some1 to tell you how wrong your girlfriend is, but the chick in wassup? naaah, she is nice, there she is, smiling on wassup You got that from my post?
Author Chief Wiggum Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 (edited) I do not personally. But thats just me. Out of respect for my woman, i would never contact any of my exes. Hell, out of respect for myself, i wouldn't even talk to them, because i myself knew, that i could spark feelings for them again, and i dont want to do that. I think you know what you need to do. I think the fact that your defending her, and posting about it on here, shows that its becoming a problem in your feelings. I think you still have a thing for this girl, and you need someone to tell you its ok to still talk to her. But once again, this is just my opinion. I, categorically, do not have a thing for this girl. She poses no risk whatsoever to my relationship. That's why I, for the moment, have not accepted her requests to kick her out of the chat and/or stop being in touch with those friends. Because it's an extreme response to a situation that doesn't need to be so problematic - especially given the fact that she herself has guys in her circle of friends that in the past have openly expressed feelings for her. Edited January 4, 2015 by Chief Wiggum
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