La Trese Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Heres the deal. I am currently a senior in college, and pretty much all four years I had this group of friends (except for the last one). I used to be best friends with one of the girls who is super charismatic and the center of the group, but also has self hating issues that she tends to project onto other people. I stood by her for so long because I was her closest friend, and I knew the only reason she did that to people was becaue she was hurting so much inside....and i've seen her be capable of being a really good person. maybe thats a dumb reason to still care about someone but I thought I could help. Anyways as a result, the group dynamic was her at the center, and then when she was feeling depressed she would start hating someone in the group in a passive agressive way, never confront them, and turn everyone against them. Then she would get over it and everyone would be friends again. I'm pretty sure everyone in the group experienced this except for the peripheral people. The drama started when my other best friend, who is also kind of selfish (so they clashed a lot) came to the dorm drunk, and the charismatic girl helped her but then complained about it and got angry that she had to help the drunk friend home and stared excluding her group the group. This friend wasn't having it, there was drama, and she left the group. I remained friends with both and tried to defend/include the one that left, but then the one that left started to distrust me despite me practically getting kicked out of the group for her, and she hasn't been able to shake off this negative attitude that there are no such thing as real friends and what not after what happened to her. Then the "charismatic" friend turned against me for kind of distancing myself from the group in order to remain friends with the distrustful girl, and I was kind of tired of her doing the same thing over and over again to people so I started avoiding her, which made her mad, and which pretty much made her act passive agressive and kick me out of the entire group. There is a third friend I am close with and she is still in the group and she is pretty cool....probably the only person I know for a fact is 100% genuine. Before this all happened me the girl i'm cool with, and the other distrustful girl signed a lease to live together .Now I find myself in a tense situation. I am still forced to be around the charismatic girl and that group of friends because of the "cool" friend who is still a part of that group...so its impossible to just cut them out completely. The charismatic girl actually texted me and we met and she wanted to see if we were cool and I thought we were so I got pulled into the peripheral of the group again, then throughout the semester she started acting weird again and when I tried to avoid her so I didn't have to deal with her, she got mad and started up with her complaining about me/making me the bad guy to everyone. Yet when I try and be nice to her i'll hear that she complains about me all the time and dislikes me...yet at the same time she will like every single facebook picture and post I make. I've seen her complain on tumblr about how she hates everyone and how when she graduates she is going to unfriend everyone on facebook except for a few of the people in the group that always kiss her ass, and never talk to anyone again. To be honest I don't know what to do about this girl; I know she dislikes me, but when I avoid her she rants about me and makes my life hell, but I really don't want to fake nice to someone I know dislikes me and have them fake nice back. I get the feeling this girl wants to be liked by everyone even by people she doesn't like. The mistrusting friend also kind of has this same bad attitude about friendship and has said things like, I don't trust anyone, I don't care about anyone, when I graduate i'm going to unadd people, I don't see a future with so and so but i'll fake nice and say hi, so and so pissed me off but w/e I won't say anything I'll just party with her and never talk to her again when I graduate. She says she is my best friend, but to be honest I feel like deep down she distrusts me for no reason even though I was the only one who stood by her when she left the group...and I distrust her because i've seen her capability to be fake to people, so I am not sure if she is genuine or faking with me too. The one friend that is "cool" keeps telling me that while she dosen't think the mistrustful friend fully trusts me, she doesn't think all this fake stuff applies to me and that she actually likes me. All this distrust makes it hard for me to act normal around her too, but its a little easier with her because at least I know she at least likes me as a person. So how would you deal with these people? I feel like I am going insane faking friendly to people who I know have a problem with me either by disliking or distrusting me for no reason, but they are faking friendly to me so I can't exactly be rude or blatantly avoid them or I become the bad guy. I can't win either way. How do I handle this messed up situation at least until I graduate without being fake? All of this is draining my energy, making me feel left out and depressed, and kind of now making me feel paranoid and distrustful of these people in return so its really prohibiting me from moving on and making new friends.
darkmoon Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 (edited) everybody is fake sometimes, often they do this to be tactful, in fact even if you did say something it would be up to you to stick with these people you disapprove of or to bail on the whole be tactful, there is a likelihood that you will encounter other difficult people in life, it can just be how they roll there are genuine people out there, when you meet one, then make friends Edited January 1, 2015 by darkmoon
todreaminblue Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 groups have issues and conflicts all through school i saw similar behaviour as you have described happen in cliques at school....the only way i saw it for what it was ....is i didnt join any group because basically i didnt fit in any group and there were the defined cliques..........the only real way to avoid drama when you have strong personalities at the core of a group is to distance yourself...dare to stand alone and stand up for what you believe is right and say when you feel something is wrong, it wont make you popular...but you will have substance...dont get caught up in fights that are not yours to fight....when asked tell the truth......never deny a friendship to suit someone else...stand by the friend who is being ostracised.....but dont fight her battle... when people moan to me about others...i listen ....and then i say....but have you noticed this about her and then list all her good qualities for every negative give a postive..........make the person who is moaning think for a second if nothing else....i have been guilty about moaning about people who piss me off...but i catch myself......i dont like backstabbing either doing it or participating in it, i let my conscience guide me and i realize when moaning becomes something that i should not be concentrating on and when i have harmed or could cause harm to another by what i have said to someone else and I let go....... groups are hard to maintain because you always have someone who wants to be top dog....and you always have that somebody who gets turfed till the next turfee comes along...distance is your best bet.....deb
Ronni_W Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 I get the feeling this girl wants to be liked by everyone even by people she doesn't like. You are making yourself go crazy because YOU also want to be liked by everyone...even by people with whom you feel the need to act fake-nice/friendly. The inner tension/conflict (feeling like you're going crazy) is because you are so clearly recognizing in them what you have not yet recognized/acknowledged/admitted about your own self. Once you know and trust within yourself that you are EXTREMELY likeable and trustworthy, then you will not feel any need to be fake-nice/friendly just so that you can (hopefully) get external validation that you are likeable and trustworthy. You do not need to reject and discard them as friends...you need only get to like and trust yourself enough so that you won't need their validation and thus won't need to get all caught-up in their dramas, and will just be able to observe it all with some amusement, as the loving, caring, trustworthy friend that you are...and yet also as the detached, non-judgy observer that you can be. New year...new you! Why not? All the best. 1
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