YoungAdult Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 (edited) Hi, I'm new here and just need to vent and get some support... This is so embarrassing. I am not crying, upset, or anything. Kind of monotone. I'm coping with a loss of something I "thought" was there, but was never there. It is so embarrassing and scary to me that I was so delusional. I'll preface this with saying to think about the movie "Young Adult" with Charlize Theron. This is a movie about a woman who was having like some what of a mid-life crisis (divorce, career issues) and she went back to her hometown to get back with an ex. The sad part about this movie was this woman was delusional. Her ex was happily married and she, in her crazy head, made up some drama about how he was not happy, he secretly desired her, and get my drift? At one point in the movie all of it finally hit home. There was a party she was invited to and the ex, his wife, and others were like 'OMG, we think you are crazy and we felt so bad for you that we entertained your crazy out of pity for you'. Well, that's pretty much my story... A while back I met a guy. I, in my crazy head, thought him - just being a friendly person - was trying to hit on me. So, I decided to check him out one day. Well, come to find out he was in a committed RL. So, I said "oh, well...too bad" and left it at that. Here comes the crazy.... I "thought" I saw him checking me out on various occasions, I started making more effort to acknowledge and speak to him. He almost had sex with me, but changed his mind. Again, I said "oh, well...and left it at that". Now more crazy.... I started making up things in my head. I actually thought I had met him online and he was like communicating with me indirectly. I made up excuses in my crazy mind. Like, 'Maybe he's checking me out anonymously online, because he's not gonna leave what he's got/built up on a whim....so, I'm cool with that'. But, when time went by and I didn't see any progress (i.e. him talking to me in real life). I got frustrated. I began to snoop. That made it worst. I made up even more crazy reasons in my head about him, his RLs (past and present), and whether or not he was attracted to me. I "thought" based on the person I thought he was online (and from my snooping in real life), that this was the one for me. We had things in common that finally, what I needed in my life. Now, we're not 100% compatible - but compatible in the areas that were important to me. I thought I was going to "love" him and kiss all his boo boos away. I mean, I actually fell into the trap that a lot of women do - the "I can show him love, the love that no other woman can". Again, when more time progressed and nothing happened in real life, and with other stresses I am having - I started getting mean and nasty. I began to interpret him as someone trying to hurt me and make fun of me. I have been hurt in the past, so I guess the stress brought up bad memories. So, to strike back, I wanted to hurt him too. I said nasty things online and stuff "hoping" to hurt him like I've been hurting. All in my crazy mind, I'm thinking this guy is doing things in reaction to what I say/do online and also in real life. I also made up this story in my head that I need to be patient, because maybe he likes me, and one day might actually act on his feelings towards me when he gets to know me better (realizing that I'm not like anyone he may have dated in the past) and is in a better place to act on his feelings. O...M...G, I thought he was actually "pressured" into his committed RL and was making plans to leave her one day now that I had entered into his life. That's how crazy I got. So, when this didn't pan out, I got angry and frustrated. Well, after all the online mudslinging and trying to avoid him in real life. I recently tried to speak to him in person because in my crazy mind, I wanted to apologize for hurting him. I wanted to call a "cease fire" and just ask him to level with me, find out if I've been misinterpreting his actions for trying to hurt me/inflate his ego/make fun of me, and let him know how I felt about him and one day if he is in a better place, I would be open to seeing if we'd have a chance...But, the "cease fire" would also mean that I would be stepping back and moving on because I was hurting too much. Well, that didn't go well. This was my "Young Adult" movie moment. The guy treated me like 'Go away, what part of you doesn't get that I am NOT interested in you? I'm tired of having pity on you and being polite. I love my woman. Go away, just go away'. It got so ugly. I was trying to talk to him and he pretended like he couldn't hear me and I didn't go away. Eventually, I kept my composure and just walked away. Gosh, now I realize that a lot of things he was doing (i.e. public PDA) was him probably telling me to leave him alone. So, I kept my composure and went along my merry way. Again, I'm monotone right now. Maybe the pain will kick in later and I might actually have a cry. Part of me is happy that this "Young Adult" moment happened because I was going to get out there and start dating again, but in my crazy head, didn't want him to see me with others - out of fear that he'd have it confirmed in his mind that I moved on and lost hope and attraction towards him. But, this is the push I need. I can't believe I was such a fool and probably need to get some serious therapy. In Young Adult, you'll see how some people can get delusional and I guess now that I think about that movie, maybe in time I won't feel so bad. Again, I'm posting here to vent, get help and support here with coping...and who knows, maybe someone else will see my story and will get some advice to help them and not feel so bad about finding yourself in a similar situation. Peace to all... Edited January 1, 2015 by YoungAdult
LostInLosingLove Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 I started making up things in my head. I actually thought I had met him online and he was like communicating with me indirectly. I made up excuses in my crazy mind. Like, 'Maybe he's checking me out anonymously online, because he's not gonna leave what he's got/built up on a whim....so, I'm cool with that'. I "thought" based on the person I thought he was online (and from my snooping in real life), that this was the one for me. I started getting mean and nasty. I began to interpret him as someone trying to hurt me and make fun of me. So, to strike back, I wanted to hurt him too. I also made up this story in my head that I need to be patient, because maybe he likes me, and one day might actually act on his feelings towards me when he gets to know me better (realizing that I'm not like anyone he may have dated in the past) and is in a better place to act on his feelings. I thought he was actually "pressured" into his committed RL and was making plans to leave her one day now that I had entered into his life. But, this is the push I need. Sorry to hear that you had to go through all that. At least you were able to walk away from it all with some of your dignity still intact. Some of the things you wrote regarding making up scenarios about the anon online vs. real life sounds like actual mental disorder. If this happens to you in other areas of daily life, you might want to talk to a professional.
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