Loveisonlyformovies Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 I'm alone. I know this is a common thing. Lots of you will probably say you've experienced it and many feel alone even in big groups. But I'm really lonely. I currently live with my dad, whom I can't speak to at all. Why? Well, emotions and personal things are stuff we really don't give a damn about in the family. He only let me stay with him because he knows it makes my mum pissed off. The past five years I've had close to zero contact with him and he has never cared to be a father figure. He sees me as weird. Never once has he said I'm pretty and he mostly just make fun of me for every mistake I make. He sees me as a failure for not having a job and boyfriend and for being 100% sober. My mum never listens. She just puts me down at any chance she gets, blaming me for all the troubles in the world. I've tried so many times to talk to her but it always ends with me in tears or her trying to beat me up. She even drove me to the crazy house once, saying i was a danger for her and my siblings, just so my sister's boyfriend could come and stay the night. I guess that makes it obvious that i don't have a good relationship with my sister either. Not with any of my siblings. They all look down on me and mostly they are ashamed of me, they constantly tell me to be more normal. I'm never good enough. Ten years ago my depression started and it has only gotten worse since then. I've been very isolated for a long time, even studied from home for some years. I've never had any real friends or any friends at all in what feels like forever. My social connections are limited to the internet. There's only one i speak to on a regular basis, but his culture is very different from mine and that makes it hard for him to understand. I'm somehow amazed that he still talks to me, especially considering i'm a depressed ******* from time to time. He deserves a better friend but I still hold on to him because he's the only one I can talk to. I feel bad for using him that way but don't know what else to do... I've really hard to make new friends, people just don't like me. I also avoid talking because I'm terrified of saying the wrong things. Not like socially unacceptable things, but more like not speaking clearly enough, saying words wrong, speaking too fast or saying sentences that makes absolutely no sense at all. That's been so common lately that I barely talk to my family. And I'm terrible at small talk, I like meaningfull conversations. I've never had a real boyfriend, only a distance relationship that ended in blackmailing and me trying to kill myself. He made me realise that I'm nothing special, especially since the pig he replaced me with is considered better than me.. I'm useless to guys unless for sexual purposes, so i've been told by everyone. (Even been asked out irl, but when I said I wouldn't sleep with him on first date, he actually cancelled..). It took me two years to not beg the distance guy to take me back anymore, because he's the only guy stupid enough to ever want a future with me. But he turned smarter i guess. I'm so alone. It doesn't even feel like my shrink ever listens to me, since i've been repeating the exact same things every week for a year now. I don't know what to do. I've never finished high school, I can't study because I'm terrifed of getting bad grades. I've got no hobbies just so i can avoid people because i don't want even more to think bad of me. I've never had a job. I hate the world. I hate religion and the people who use it, it makes me so angry that people can't realise it's all a lie. I hate drugs and alcohol because i see it as poison for the body, but in europe that makes people see me as weird. I'm a bit over 20 and still a virgin because i believe in true love, at least i used to, but guys in my age aren't virgins anymore so i've given up on love. In fact, I'm very convinced that I'll be spending my live alone and have started saving up for an ivf treatment, because i badly want a baby. But then i remember how ashamed that child would be for having a mother who's a complete failure so maybe i shouldn't.. When i think of my future i can't see more than 2-3 months, after that i just don't exist. I find life useless. It's a terrible world we live in and life has no purpose and I just want to die. My life doesn't get better. I'm still a failure and just as alone as the past years no matter how much i try. I can't see my future. But it doesn't make me said or scared. It's like if i'm dying and i've come to peace with it. I know my life will end soon, i just don't know how, and I'm okay with it. And That is what scares me. I've been suicidal for long, but I've always seen my future and had second thoughts about dying. They are all gone now. I hate my life. I hate not being able to talk normally or study. I hate being alone and hated by my family. I hate everything about me. I hate my appearance. I'm not pretty. My mum, siblings, other people who have met me or seen pics of me, thinks so. Unless they are really edited. I feel so ugly. I've been covering my smile with my hand for 8 years now. I hate my body that just gets fatter. I hate my hair and I hate my face. I've been considering surgery lately, but I can't get my mum to go with me as support. It will cost me all my savings but maybe I'll be less ugly then. I'd love to hear from my parents that I'm really pretty, at least once in my life. As every new years, I spent this one crying and started the day by cutting myself again because it somehow relieves the frustration of never being heard. I'm so filled with hate, fear and bitterness that it consumes me. But I can't stop it. I'm not wanted anywhere and life just gets worse. No matter how many times I scream out for help, there's never anyone there to hear me out. I don't know what to do anymore. I've got nowhere to turn and i feel like such a failure. I can't do this alone. I just can't. What am I supposed to do?
unforgotten Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 You are not alone. We are here for you! There are people out there with similar problems andand in even worse situations. You are not alone in this. Depresion is a killer. I'm fighting it too and it seems like it's an neverending battle. It feels like it soaks all the energy you have left and it's so persistent. Go google it and how to fight it. There are some useful tips. Perhaps you shouldn't imagine your future so far away since everything you think about it probably isn't true. You never know what waits for you tomorrow! Start with small steps one day at the time. Depresion will.make it hard but you have to make yourself do it. Every positive thought you have or action you make will reproduce. And you have to share your pain so it will devide. Remember that. Start tomorrow with hetting a hot shower or making yourself a healthy breakfast. Go for a short walk. Do something. It's you you have to work on and share hour experience with us. You can help us too! 3
StalwartMind Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 No real doubt you are very alone, at the very least in the sense that most people consider to be vital of their existence, which is in our physical environment. There are people who feel alone despite they are in the exact opposite situation of yours. It may seem silly to most that someone who on the outside appear to have a fantastic and secure life, could even remotely feel alone, but things aren't always that simple. I don't think it's particularly fair at all to compare people's situations to each other, because they are all unique and different despite they may share things that seem similar. If there is one fact that can't be denied, then it's that there are people on this planet who really aren't very good at treating others with consideration, compassion and love. One of the most emotionally hurtful experiences for a human, is when you are shunned by your very own family. Truthfully some people shouldn't be parents, because it involves responsibility that many don't fully grasp. There are many types of families and they are very different, which is perfectly fine, but if you neglect your very own child in any which way, without that child really caused any issues, then you are likely not a very good parent. You can apply the same ideals and rules to friendships too and many other aspects of life as well. It's not easy to suggest the best path for you, but there are many as we always have a choice. The first thing is for you to understand that, despite your toxic environment and family that shuns you, there is still every chance for you to create and have a meaningful life. Ideally humans need a mate or at the very least someone around you that can validate you so you feel alive and appreciated, it's very few people that are capable of complete solitude or be alone for long periods. You do not have the luxury of a family that listens to you, and unfortunately some families are just like that and you'll never get them to. It's good you are getting professional help, but it's somewhat alarming if you are just repeating yourself to the shrink and no progress is made. It would perhaps be an idea to consider seeing someone entirely else then, because a fresh pair of eyes can often help one see things differently. No matter the amount of professional help you do receive, you are ultimately responsible for yourself. I do see you have many negative emotions but I also quite understand where they stem from. You are still very young, it's hard to fault you for certain views but sometimes the right person will come into your life out of nowhere who can help change your perspective at least on some crucial points that prevent you from reaching a state you are content or happy with. If everyone helped each other instead of harmed then the world would be a better place, but Earth will never be a place of utopia, at least I find that hard to imagine. Despite that, often if you desire an improvement of your situation you also have to look inward and be able to accept your own flaws. This doesn't have to be or sound as negative as it may, because we all have flaws and no one ever stops improving. You have many negative emotions but they are often quite connected to some base root. Among the things you wrote, you said: "I also avoid talking because I'm terrified of saying the wrong things." This state is possibly the most uncomfortable one for any single human to be in, because it blocks them from making any progress. If someone felt like that around me or in my company, then I would very much recommend them to find a much better person to be close to, as I should not make you feel unpleasant or unwelcome. A good and right person, friend, family member, partner will always be understanding and be able to create security and comfort to make you want to be near. When you are afraid of saying the wrong things, then you are constantly living in a panicked state, which cause your brain to be in overdrive none stop, as you have to be aware of all the consequences. No one can calculate that in a healthy manner, not to forget that it is likely very stressful too. In addition to that, this is also one of the reasons why small talk and meaningful conversation comes harder to you. In any sensible company, you can have a meaningful conversation, it doesn't mean they have to be lengthy, granted that many amazing things do come when you get the chance to go into depth. While I do not condone some of your negative and biased thoughts, like I said I very much can understand why you have many of them. You clearly express your hatred for things and while you genuinely may do, I believe it has more to do with no one has ever really shown you true kindness, which can alter your view quite a bit. Religion is different things to different people, some are fanatics while others are much more open to interpretation. Each religion also have varied views on multiple subjects, the only dangerous thing is when people feel the need to force their views and beliefs down others throats or otherwise incorporate it into our daily life. Everyone should be of free choice to believe or not believe in whatever they wish. The best thing you can do in this world is believe in yourself. Scandinavian youth culture and much of Europe is pretty hectic on the drinking park from a very very young age. Most can't handle it and it often results in all kinds of experiences that one perhaps should be older to handle better. You are not frowned upon for not participating in it, you may feel that way, but it's again a matter of your current environment. I understand you'd very much like things to be normalized greatly and feel the support that we all really deserve. I'm not going to try and convince you the world is some super happy and awesome place, because it's always a matter of perspective, but it can be if you so desire it. You talk about the possibility to get an IVF treatment because you'd love a baby. That might be something you should do one day, but you should do it when you feel you've gained a lot more composure. It would help greatly if you could open your mind so someone nice and right for you can be allowed in. You may currently feel like life is useless, without purpose and well yeah technically, there is no point at all to anything we do, however it's again a matter of perspective and what you desire from life. Life is what you make of it, some people just want to see the world burn, while others want to see humanity progress and some don't care at all. If you can find some goals in life, then it can help you greatly with moving in a direction that will do you good. Let's say you find that life would be very meaningful if you had a baby, no doubt you can be a great mother, we all have the ability to be great, but we also need to conquer all the factors that could make it be otherwise, and a lot of that has to do with our mental perception and attitude. I'm not saying it's going to be easy, heck, life is pretty much one uphill battle, and then we suddenly find ourselves sitting in a tiny car rolling down again, and we're not so sure we love the pace it's going at. The vital thing is to keep your composure and be leveled headed about all challenges life provide. Through perseverance you can overcome most if not anything life throws at you, but you really need to show the will and desire to do so. You can do it, and don't feel ashamed, bad about anything you may consider very different about yourself. There is room for all types of people, and not like it matters much but I've seen people make comebacks from much "worse" things, so show yourself and be proud of the progress you CAN make. 1
todreaminblue Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 It is hard to battle living with depression when those around you are not your support group...... all through my life whether i have been chubby or thin....well...never really been thin..... i go muscular......i have been ridiculed or teased...when i was muscular i got mistaken for a man from the back.when i had a an awesoem body ...i got teased....nice legs shame about the face or put a bag over her head before you f...uck her.. when i turn around though i have a rack so there is no mistaking that i am a woman........and we all know the names that get called to people who are over weight......especially children.....and i would hazard a guess women cop it more than men in as far as keeping a body goes.......... all through my life however i have had support...be it teachers....be it my mum.....my sister ..even my step father who was often military strict with me showed me support in different ways..harder ways....none the less it was support....once he said to a chubby child that was me.....look at her(pointed out a very attractive teen) you think someone would choose you over her.....no one will want you....now that might not seem like a supportive thing to say ...because it wasnt...... but i realized then.....behind his often horrible comments....he didnt want me to be alone.....he wanted me to eb happy....i believe that...he just didnt say it right..... ....and now my children...my son wants me to lose weight so we can go diving with sharks together, its a pact we made last year...i love pacts........he wants me to live a long life and for me to be part of his and his kids..to do things together we have always dreamed of doing......he cares one thing i know...with or without support you have to be stronger ......you should maybe find a therapy group....with others who suffer depression andmake them your family.......you have to able to stand on your own ...but...in that ....having that family around you be it a support group or natural family is a step you need to take.....dont feel lonely...you are not alone....one thing with depression its a solo battle....your support network is there to guide you home like lights on the shore.....keep your eyes on them as you swim out by yourself...because when you are depressed you are the one in the water....only you know how the tide is turning...only you can feel the pull....you must swim......you just must......keep your eyes focused on someone who cares about you......if you dont have that someone who cares...join a group that will care....someone you can call and talk to when you need to see the lights.... i can be a light to you if you wish until you find your group as can every other poster who cared enough to post in this thread.....see light not dark and keep swimming...........deb
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