lovingmore Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 For exactly three years I have been in a relationship with R. and we got engaged last summer. During this christmas, just a few days ago, the relationship ended. I received a text message from a close female friend and colleague and R. felt upset about that. I suddenly realized that I need more space and freedom and I told R. so. And then she said she would like to end the relationship because she feels that she is not the only woman in my life. I have not been with other women while we have been together, but I have felt the longing after being close to other women. It feels like I can not attach myself emotionally to only one woman. I have to ask myself. Is this a pattern I should try to change, or should I just accept who I am, and that I need to love more than one person at the same time? More or less all the relationships I have been in have ended with me feeling constricted, having to little freedom, wanting to be free to be close to more women. Not wanting to get away from the woman I am with, just open up to more women. I have felt like this for so long I can remember and I am now 54! What to do? I have been with many beautiful women during my adult life and it is like a pattern repeating itself. At some point in the relationship I feel the need to be free to also explore to be intimate/close to other women. I do not want to push her into something she do not want herself, - and then the relationship get very difficult. Is there any solution to this? Therapy? Finding others feeling the same way as myself? Is this a pattern I should try to change inside myself, - or should I just open up to love more people at the same time?
Poppygoodwill Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Whether or not this pattern of yours is destructive is up to you, and the women you draw in. If you can accept that you won't probably build a long lasting intimacy with one person, and you don't feel you'll be missing out, then you should probably make that your thing. The trick is - you have to be ruthlessly honest with yourself, and the women you meet to be sure that you don't continue to hurt people. ON the other hand, if you are unhappy with the pattern and realize taht you are missing out and that you are hurting women you care about with this over and over, then I would say it's tiem to get into therapy. I used to be like you in a way. I could handle relationships for a year or two, up to three usually, and then I'd find a reason to get out. Because I wasn't clear about it - to myself or the men who loved me - I hurt them. It made me unhappy. Eventually I decided to be better at loving people. I went into therapy and figured out why I had the pattern. As you can do. And then I changed it. as you can do. If you think it's important to change. 1
Satu Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 I have to ask myself. Is this a pattern I should try to change, or should I just accept who I am, and that I need to love more than one person at the same time? It's not love - its sexual attraction. Don't lie to yourself, or you'll end up lying to other people as well.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 For exactly three years I have been in a relationship with R. and we got engaged last summer. Nothing wrong with determining you're not the marrying kind as long as, with the benefits, you're willing to accept the sacrifices. Getting engaged under those circumstances is counterproductive... Mr. Lucky
Author lovingmore Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 It's not love - its sexual attraction. Don't lie to yourself, or you'll end up lying to other people as well. My longing is both for love and sexual intimacy with more than one woman. Sometimes the longing for love is strongest, sometimes the longing for sexual intimacy, and sometimes - and may be most often - a combination of the two.
Author lovingmore Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 Whether or not this pattern of yours is destructive is up to you, and the women you draw in. If you can accept that you won't probably build a long lasting intimacy with one person, and you don't feel you'll be missing out, then you should probably make that your thing. The trick is - you have to be ruthlessly honest with yourself, and the women you meet to be sure that you don't continue to hurt people. ON the other hand, if you are unhappy with the pattern and realize taht you are missing out and that you are hurting women you care about with this over and over, then I would say it's tiem to get into therapy. I used to be like you in a way. I could handle relationships for a year or two, up to three usually, and then I'd find a reason to get out. Because I wasn't clear about it - to myself or the men who loved me - I hurt them. It made me unhappy. Eventually I decided to be better at loving people. I went into therapy and figured out why I had the pattern. As you can do. And then I changed it. as you can do. If you think it's important to change. Thanks a lot. This was very helpful to me
Author lovingmore Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 Whether or not this pattern of yours is destructive is up to you, and the women you draw in. If you can accept that you won't probably build a long lasting intimacy with one person, and you don't feel you'll be missing out, then you should probably make that your thing. The trick is - you have to be ruthlessly honest with yourself, and the women you meet to be sure that you don't continue to hurt people. ON the other hand, if you are unhappy with the pattern and realize taht you are missing out and that you are hurting women you care about with this over and over, then I would say it's tiem to get into therapy. I used to be like you in a way. I could handle relationships for a year or two, up to three usually, and then I'd find a reason to get out. Because I wasn't clear about it - to myself or the men who loved me - I hurt them. It made me unhappy. Eventually I decided to be better at loving people. I went into therapy and figured out why I had the pattern. As you can do. And then I changed it. as you can do. If you think it's important to change. Nothing wrong with determining you're not the marrying kind as long as, with the benefits, you're willing to accept the sacrifices. Getting engaged under those circumstances is counterproductive... Mr. Lucky This was very helpful for me. Thank you!
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