Was I just Catfished? [Update: It wasn't catfishing]

January 3, 2015

"To all the people questioning my interpretation of "catfish"---all I'm saying is someone who is not really who they present themselves on the website as. Like maybe this is a dude. "

that's called "fake", not catfish.

January 3, 2015

Maybe I'm obstinate, but I cannot understand how a 38 year old man listing his dating preferences as 27 - 35 can be viewed as a giant red flag? I've yet to be convinced.

Do you feel that you are owed your way because it's you who has the interest in the woman and she has no say-so over who interests her?

January 3, 2015

P.S. We corresponded today and are getting together for a drink tonight! Sometimes persistence pays off. We'll see where this goes...:-)

then this is not a catfish.

By definition, catfish do not want to meet you in person. They do not want to skype/FaceTime/hangout because they've stolen the pictures they're using from someone else on line.

January 3, 2015

This has never been a problem in the past, so I don't feel the need to adjust my preferences.

I was contacted by a 21 year old woman couple weeks back. Didn't reply.

I was contacted by a 44 year old woman few days ago. Didn't reply.

One of the things that really appealed to me about this 33 year old woman that I spoke to today was she stated that she was looking to move very slowly. Can I emphasize how AMAZING that sounds to me?!

Can I also bring up that I turned down a date with a hot 35 year old black woman because she was in an open relationship. Blast me all you want ladies, I'm putting myself back together. I need someone who can handle my turtle speed. And for a person, whom I'm commiserating with, to imply that I'm a shallow, youth-hungry, womanizer while I'm spilling my guts about how I got burned just comes off cruel.

Assuming she hasn't blocked you, why don't you send her a message in a couple of days and be honest? Tell her that you are sorry that your preferences raised a flag for her and that it's not actually reflective of what you are looking for. Tell her that you have really, really enjoyed talking to her, you are not looking to rush anything but neither do you want to play the field, and if she would like to jsut keep talking and see where it goes you would really like that?

It might not work but if you really liked the sound of her then surely pushing the boat out is worth a shot? Really, it's only one email and you have nothing to lose. Don;t tell her that she is wrong for how she feels, but do very gently prove otherwise with your actions that you aren't dismissing her because she doesn't fall into a dating site preference category.

January 3, 2015

I could totally be into this girl but I'm a little afraid of-

-the fact that she was willing to go back to my place the first night(although the sexual chemistry between was unlike anything I've experienced---my God! her kissing!)

Messy, messy, messy. Is she trying to get over her ex by getting underneath someone new?

-the fact that she's, like me, 10 months out of a very serious relationship. She seems to be actively working to escape her ex, which suggests to me deep-seated feelings. I feel more leveled in my feelings towards my ex.

To me, it sounds like she isn't done processing her ex.

-this "feigned" behavior, play-acting. I thought she was 33, but it turns out she's younger. Not sure how younger. She won't tell me. Maybe 27, maybe 29. Dunno. That sort of behavior suggests to me immaturity. She likes to play the damsel in distress.

Game playing and manipulation. Could be the reason why she finds herself alone.

-that she "feels so comfortable" with me, so quickly. She thanked me for "being the way you were", which I believe alludes to my insisting that we don't spend the night together and my general take-things-at-a-slower- pace. Wouldn't a really hurt woman be more careful if they wanted to have something serious with a guy?

It depends upon how she deals with hurt: does she take time to let her wounds heal or does she go out and inflict even more damage on herself because she's not over the relationship ending?

The way I see it, she wanted to you take responsibility for her actions. Seems she was ready to go full bore to having sex with you.

-she also, at a joke I made earlier in the night, blurted out how many lovers she'd had total(13) and then apologized for it.

Offering up information that she should have kept to herself. She's doing damage to herself and doesn't even know it. The issue isn't about her doing it--nothing changes the past. The issue is: she talks about inappropriate things at inappropriate times. The time to say this, if ever, would be when a declaration of intent to be monogamous with one another was on the table and you were discussing STD's. Does she do this with every guy she meets? Yeah I know you said she said that she doesn't do this, but isn't that exactly what someone would say?

I appreciate any advice...

Go slow with her. She got the throttle wide open.

January 3, 2015

That's not a cat fish. Just someone who think a person liking someone ten years their junior is creepy.

for the record, No I don't think it's creepy. The women you specify are 27. Not 20 years younger.

January 3, 2015

Assuming she hasn't blocked you, why don't you send her a message in a couple of days and be honest? Tell her that you are sorry that your preferences raised a flag for her and that it's not actually reflective of what you are looking for. Tell her that you have really, really enjoyed talking to her, you are not looking to rush anything but neither do you want to play the field, and if she would like to jsut keep talking and see where it goes you would really like that?

It might not work but if you really liked the sound of her then surely pushing the boat out is worth a shot? Really, it's only one email and you have nothing to lose. Don;t tell her that she is wrong for how she feels, but do very gently prove otherwise with your actions that you aren't dismissing her because she doesn't fall into a dating site preference category.

He has already been on a date with her last night. Keep up!!

January 4, 2015

"To all the people questioning my interpretation of "catfish"---all I'm saying is someone who is not really who they present themselves on the website as. Like maybe this is a dude. "

that's called "fake", not catfish.

Oh, for the love of...

The CATFISH thing is a MOOT point. I went out with the flesh and blood woman. Just drop it...

January 4, 2015

Oh boy, what a tangled web...

We spent the better part of the day texting each other. Initially, I invited her out to go to a flea market, let me cook her dinner and then we'd go to the Brooklyn Museum.

She said it sounded lovely but she wasn't feeling well and didn't sleep well the previous night. She was going to rest today.

No problem.

She then proceeds to spend virtually the entire day texting me. Sending me pics asking if she looks good wearing this and that, etc. It was fun. I played along. It got flirty at times.

Later in the evening, I made a joke to something she said and she responded "you ruined the romantic mood."

I took this as a cue to get more sensual with her. She had already made a comment to me like "I really liked kissing you. A lot."

I turned up the heat a little bit and asked her to tell me what parts of her body were most sensitive. She responded. I told her how the previous night I enjoyed being behind and putting my hands around her waist. She responded. I told her I looked forward to being behind her again so that my hands could explore freely.

She said something to the effect of, "Slow down, horsey. I don't want this all to be about sex."

And later, "It's alright to flirt, but you need to understand when I need things to move more slowly. I'm not into it."

I wrote back "ouch."

Then I got busy with something and didn't respond for a while.

She texted, "are you mad?"

Not mad. Unfairly treated.

Huh?

Like a test.

Kicker: She writes this long text about how there is just too much drama and too many issues between us and it was nice meeting me but she just doesn't think that I should be pushing her into sex, etc.

Now, two things:

-I was the one who insisted that she not come over to my place last night, because I wanted to see her again and move slowly. "I've never been rejected before!" her response.

-This last text she sent bears an uncanny resemblance to the "farewell letter" she wrote when she discovered that I liked women 27-35.

It's all unnecessary drama. This last one feels like a true sh** test. I never responded. I like the girl, she really turns me on and I think we could help each other repair but this behavior has to go.

January 4, 2015

Solution to you problem is easy: STOP TEXTING and pick up the phone and call her.

This is why texting ruins relationships - especially budding relationships. I am so glad that I grew up without technology and that my communication was confined to the LAN line phone with a cassette tape voicemail, payphones, letters, and face to face conversation. Yes to Generation X!

If you like her, and want to clear up this silliness that your text-a-thon led to with the innuendos and misunderstandings, then simply CALL HER. Having a real time conversation on the phone can quickly nullify the negative side effects of the texting between you two, and bring the obviously positive connection you two have back into balance.

For god sake, CALL HER.

January 4, 2015

It ended. It was for the best. Don't take it personal. You two were incompatible from the start.

January 4, 2015

No idea what the obsession on here about phone calls is all about.

January 4, 2015

No idea what the obsession on here about phone calls is all about.

Texting is the worst way to communicate with someone you're dating, especially when you're just getting to know that person. It's not an obsession with using the phone versus text messages. It's common sense to call instead of text someone you barely know.

Does no one value conversation -- real conversation -- anymore? Why do people think texting is a valid way to get to know someone you just met?

January 4, 2015

Texting is the worst way to communicate with someone you're dating, especially when you're just getting to know that person. It's not an obsession with using the phone versus text messages. It's common sense to call instead of text someone you barely know.

Does no one value conversation -- real conversation -- anymore? Why do people think texting is a valid way to get to know someone you just met?

You are welcome to have that opinion. But I don't agree, with any of it.

This girl sounds like she likes a bit of drama, so I guess it depends if you are ok with that. To me the need to call it off in a fake way is her trying to keep all the power and have you chase. Call her bluff.

January 4, 2015

You are welcome to have that opinion. But I don't agree, with any of it.

This girl sounds like she likes a bit of drama, so I guess it depends if you are ok with that. To me the need to call it off in a fake way is her trying to keep all the power and have you chase. Call her bluff.

No problem Rydo.

We can agree to disagree. I do agree with you though, that she played Sycamore by texting him all day long instead of agreeing to meet him for a second date. Clearly, she wasn't THAT tired if she had the energy to push buttons on her cellphone for hours on end and send him pics of her outfits and then accuse him of moving to fast when she flirted with him and then shut him down after he sexted her.

All the misunderstanding that happened because of the text-a-thon today could have been avoided, had the two of them spent time in person or chatted on the phone. That's where I'm coming from. I think it's foolish to sext someone you don't even know. Sure, you've been on one date with her Sycamore and the two of you have strong physical chemistry. But sexting her wasn't slowing things down like you told her you planned to.

So if anything, the two of you have walls up and are playing games with each other based on the assumptions you make from the text messaging that you've done and emails that you've exchanged. If you had a conversation on the phone, you could have avoided any misunderstanding because you'd have a real time conversation on the phone, where you could clear up any confusion and still talk openly and honestly with each other.

You just lose a lot when you text instead of talk on the phone. There's no arguing with that.

January 4, 2015

I think she would have played games regardless of the medium.

January 4, 2015

Maybe this has already been covered but what does the term "catfish" mean?

January 4, 2015

Maybe this has already been covered but what does the term "catfish" mean?

A picture of someone else usually a more attractive person used to bait someone on the internet

January 4, 2015

Kicker: She writes this long text about how there is just too much drama and too many issues between us and it was nice meeting me but she just doesn't think that I should be pushing her into sex, etc.

It's all unnecessary drama. This last one feels like a true sh** test. I never responded. I like the girl, she really turns me on and I think we could help each other repair but this behavior has to go.

Oh boy. She complains of too much drama and push for sex but she invited herself back to your place last night. Her response would piss me off. I see you didn't respond. Good. It doesn't sound like you'll wipe your hands of her though, given your fondness of her after from the first date. You already jumped over one **** test easy enough and certainly seems she likes you. I suspect she will contact you in a day or two (or if not you will then). I doubt her behavior will change in the near terms though, but it might if she ends up in relationship and relaxes and trusts you.

January 4, 2015

I'm not concerned about your age preferences in your profile, but rather of how you think you might have been catfished. Catfishing is when one pretends to be of the opposite gender in order to attract someone online. Since this woman indicated that she is no longer interested, that's that. She did not attempt to scam you or trick you in any way, did she? It's not like that ND quarterback who was the brunt of many a joke last year when it was revealed that the woman who he thought was his online gf was actually a man. True that was a unique situation, but this is hardly what I call catfishing.

January 4, 2015

I don't see phoning over texting here as a relevant point. It's now HOW things were communicated. I understand very clearly what she's doing. Yes, this is a fake break-up. I didn't do anything wrong. Nothing in my "sexting" crossed the line. I told her earlier in the day "I'm so physically attracted to you" along with some other pretty direct s**t. She continued to speak to me. She's sabotaging it---either because she wants to see if I'm a pushover "oh, I'm sorry sweetie, I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable, yes we'll move slow" OR because she's scared that there is a real connection.

BTW, she did admit to me on date night that the whole age thing was her "being afraid."

Question now is do I want to deal with this crap?, there's bound to more of it. If so, would calling her bluff just be to maintain radio silence until she breaks it?

January 4, 2015

no, you are not creepy

she is over reacting

January 4, 2015

I'm not concerned about your age preferences in your profile, but rather of how you think you might have been catfished. Catfishing is when one pretends to be of the opposite gender in order to attract someone online. Since this woman indicated that she is no longer interested, that's that. She did not attempt to scam you or trick you in any way, did she? It's not like that ND quarterback who was the brunt of many a joke last year when it was revealed that the woman who he thought was his online gf was actually a man. True that was a unique situation, but this is hardly what I call catfishing.

Please, please, please. THERE IS NO CATFISH. This is a real person whom I've met. I WAS WRONG.

NO CATFISH. NO CATFISH. NO CATFISH.

Why did I initially think there was a catfish?

-Because when I started to reveal my tragic romantic past, she "parroted" without revealing many details about herself, then abruptly "ENDED" our "connection" by fixating on something I thought to be trivial.

Imagine a dumbed down version looking something like this:

-I like porcupines.

-OMG, me too.

-I like potato starch in my collars.

-OMG, me too.

-I like watching the A-Team while soaking my feet in macaroni.

-WTF, me too.

-I like...

-Wait! Your profile says you prefer strength training to cardio. MAJOR RED FLAG!!! It was nice chatting with you. I wish you the best of luck.

NO CATFISH. MY MISTAKE. NO CATFISH. MY MISTAKE. NO CATFISH. MY MISTAKE. MODERATOR, PLEASE CHANGE TITLE CATFISH TO BALONEY.

January 4, 2015

LOL at your last post SC

I like how you handle her. I'd extract some NSA sex from her if I were you (if you can without going mad over her conversational stunts). I suggest you don't make her your GF, she seems kinda damaged to me.

And I think you should explicitly not look for damaged girls! You said you wouldn't mind dating or being in a RS with someone who has been cheated on and needs your support. I don't believe that a RS should be based on two people's hangups and psychological problems. Find someone healthy who makes and keeps you healthy.

Good luck

Edited January 4, 2015 by umirano
nick correction

January 4, 2015

You may be right about her being damaged. I've never been much into NSA sex.

I do feel intense sexual energy from her. I've been on a fair number of dates since my BU and hooked up with a number of girls. When I kissed her, it just felt...HOT! And her body is just so ideal for me. She's built like how I imagine my perfect woman. I told her early yesterday that, "I bet being with you feels like being in a vat of homemade churned butter mixed with silky stuffed animals." How's that for "sexting?"

And during our date, she seemed like a different person---normal. Really cool and fun, actually. Smart. Go with the flow type.

I hope it's as one poster said and these "dramas" are just preliminary hurdles that have to be crossed before she begins to trust and invest in me.

I think I'll wait out today, see if she lobs a flare. If not, maybe I'll try to take her to lunch on Monday.

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Was I just Catfished? [Update: It wasn't catfishing]

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