Was I just Catfished? [Update: It wasn't catfishing]

January 2, 2015

The correct answer was: Best of luck.

And all of this could have been avoided.

January 2, 2015

Optional Template for LS Advice:

-Open provocatively titled thread

-Read until there's something you don't agree with

-Respond with chides and name calling, making the post more about you

-Pat yourself on the back

January 2, 2015

Optional Template for LS Advice:

-Open provocatively titled thread
-Read until there's something you don't agree with
-Respond with chides and name calling, making the post more about you
-Pat yourself on the back

Is this really necessary? I get it, but take the high road man.

January 2, 2015

Nothing says "start of a beautiful romance" like the following:

I spent the better part of today communicating with a woman on OKC. She was 33, I'm 38.

First off, let me say I know it's a bad idea to write too much to each other. I also know it's bad to talk about your romantic past to a prospective date. But sometimes you just go with the flow.

We started talking about our romantic past. I told her a little of mine. She had a similar background. I told some more. She also experienced some of the same things.

We both had been burned pretty badly.

About two hours in and 20 messages in, she sends me a message to the effect "I just noticed your age preferences. You only date younger women. That is a giant red flag for me. It was nice chatting with you. Good luck in your search."

Foolishly, I spent another two hours delicately debating how just because I'm a 38 year old man whose preferences list women 27 - 35 doesn't mean that I'm f-ed up and out to hurt women.

The whole time I was thinking is this profile for real? But the profile is as fleshed out as can be. I can't believe someone would go through all the trouble of such an elaborate profile to catfish.

She said that she corresponded with a male friend who heard tell of a 38 year old man interested in dating 27 year old women and responded "gross."

What do you make of all this? Do I come off as creepy for being interested in women 27 -35? I'm typically chatting with women around 30. My last two dates were with a 33 and 35 year old.

Perspective, please.

I was upfront. It's something that every person can see who looks at my profile. She noticed it later.

I suspect it was catfish because the details of her romantic past mirrored my own. You might say they "parroted" my own.

Is the catfish thinking, "oh, I'll emotionally lure this person in, only to pull the rug out from underneath?"

It's just peculiar to me.

How? When there's a series of commiserating dialogues, which seem to be propelling two people towards identification, about something near to the heart, leading on one end, following on the other that is then abruptly up-ended by a ridiculous, left-field conclusion it suggests either, as another poster suggested, a burned, hyper-vigilant sort or someone playing a cruel joke.

Precisely. And this is probably more information than I care to share but of the many criticisms made against me by my last partner in her sudden decision to erase me from her life and go off with a man 20 years her senior, my sexual output was held up for scrutiny. Apparently, I never wanted to f***. And give her her due, there were some weeks, dead of NYC winter bone chilling when I barely wanted to get out of bed(convalescing). But now the seed has been planted within me that women want men that PUT OUT and finding someone that you're adequately attracted to is paramount. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Should I date a 45-year old frump because we have so much in common? So when ladies blast men for their shallowness, just remember WE HAVE FLAGS TO RAISE!

We had a good hour-long discussion about why she felt that this was a dealbreaker for her. That's the other reason it seemed like a Catfish to me. OK, I'm not right for you---goodbye! but she kept engaging me on the subject. Up and down, up and down.

To be honest, it was the first time in a long time that someone has distracted me from feelings for my ex. It felt...good.

To all the people questioning my interpretation of "catfish"---all I'm saying is someone who is not really who they present themselves on the website as. Like maybe this is a dude.

Then why not put Women: Ages: 27 - 110? That way a woman will be insured that at 46 the fires will be just as stoked.

FYI- This woman is still responding to my messaging. It's the most unnerving thing. It's entirely my fault, too. I need to just be done with it. Thanks for everyone's input!!!

She/he seems keen on debating with me to eternity why I'm holding The People's Republic of China banner. Anyone's guess.

If she shows up and http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/d/d8/Channelcat.jpg

she looks like that, then I would say that you got catfished.

January 2, 2015

Good luck tonight OP.

Sincerely

January 3, 2015

Well, truth is stranger than fiction. My senses are reeling!

I had the date with her last night. To those of you who suspected that she did not look like her photos, you were correct! She was a little heavier. But, my God, I thought she was gorgeous! She's built like Joan and has real red hair, to boot. Irish family. The date went amazing and we were making out heavily by the end of it. She had warned me, by text, that she was a little shy at first. But I found her to be quite the contrary. She pointed out that I seemed nervous and I agreed. As I mentioned in a previous post, this has been the first time in 10 months that I've felt "emotionally distracted" from my ex. So, there's kinda something on the line for me. And her history is the same as mine---serious live-in relationship that ended in cheating and manipulation, general narcissistic behavior.

Red Flag Reversal

At about 3 hours, I suggested I walk her to the train station. She suggested>>>that she spend the night at my place and we just kiss. My mind did a kind of somersault. I considered it for a second. Then I told her that my experience with women was that if things escalate too quickly, there is a greater likelihood for disappearance and regret. I told her I wanted to see her again. She seemed understanding about that but she did feign hurt, "I've never been rejected before." And also she said that she's not the kind of person that jumps from person to person. When we made out at the train station, she told me that she'd been lonely. I told her it had been the same for me. I suggested that we get together for a fun outing the following night, tonight.

After parting, she sent me a barrage of texts and alluded to her struggle with anorexia. I told her that I thought she was gorgeous just the way she was(she felt insecure about her weight).

I could totally be into this girl but I'm a little afraid of-

-the fact that she was willing to go back to my place the first night(although the sexual chemistry between was unlike anything I've experienced---my God! her kissing!)

-the fact that she's, like me, 10 months out of a very serious relationship. She seems to be actively working to escape her ex, which suggests to me deep-seated feelings. I feel more leveled in my feelings towards my ex.

-this "feigned" behavior, play-acting. I thought she was 33, but it turns out she's younger. Not sure how younger. She won't tell me. Maybe 27, maybe 29. Dunno. That sort of behavior suggests to me immaturity. She likes to play the damsel in distress.

-that she "feels so comfortable" with me, so quickly. She thanked me for "being the way you were", which I believe alludes to my insisting that we don't spend the night together and my general take-things-at-a-slower- pace. Wouldn't a really hurt woman be more careful if they wanted to have something serious with a guy?

-she also, at a joke I made earlier in the night, blurted out how many lovers she'd had total(13) and then apologized for it.

I appreciate any advice...

January 3, 2015

1. She sounds unstable. I wouldn't date her seriously. But you can easily get sex out of it.

2. Earlier in the thread you sounded very illogical with the persistence that you've been catfished.

January 3, 2015

IME, There are two reasons men 35+ want women who are younger than them:

A. They want to have children, and

B. The women look better to them than women their own age.

If your reasons are due to A, then I wouldn't even waste my time with the guy because I dont want more kids.

If your reasons are due to B, then you'd better be hot as hell yourself physically. Then we can talk.

January 3, 2015

Oh for Pete sake, Sycamore. Go out with her a few more times and see what happens. Then make a decision about whether or not to pursue something more serious with her.

January 3, 2015

Well, truth is stranger than fiction. My senses are reeling!

I had the date with her last night. To those of you who suspected that she did not look like her photos, you were correct! She was a little heavier. But, my God, I thought she was gorgeous! She's built like Joan and has real red hair, to boot. Irish family. The date went amazing and we were making out heavily by the end of it. She had warned me, by text, that she was a little shy at first. But I found her to be quite the contrary. She pointed out that I seemed nervous and I agreed. As I mentioned in a previous post, this has been the first time in 10 months that I've felt "emotionally distracted" from my ex. So, there's kinda something on the line for me. And her history is the same as mine---serious live-in relationship that ended in cheating and manipulation, general narcissistic behavior.

Red Flag Reversal

At about 3 hours, I suggested I walk her to the train station. She suggested>>>that she spend the night at my place and we just kiss. My mind did a kind of somersault. I considered it for a second. Then I told her that my experience with women was that if things escalate too quickly, there is a greater likelihood for disappearance and regret. I told her I wanted to see her again. She seemed understanding about that but she did feign hurt, "I've never been rejected before." And also she said that she's not the kind of person that jumps from person to person. When we made out at the train station, she told me that she'd been lonely. I told her it had been the same for me. I suggested that we get together for a fun outing the following night, tonight.

After parting, she sent me a barrage of texts and alluded to her struggle with anorexia. I told her that I thought she was gorgeous just the way she was(she felt insecure about her weight).

I could totally be into this girl but I'm a little afraid of-

-the fact that she was willing to go back to my place the first night(although the sexual chemistry between was unlike anything I've experienced---my God! her kissing!)

-the fact that she's, like me, 10 months out of a very serious relationship. She seems to be actively working to escape her ex, which suggests to me deep-seated feelings. I feel more leveled in my feelings towards my ex.

-this "feigned" behavior, play-acting. I thought she was 33, but it turns out she's younger. Not sure how younger. She won't tell me. Maybe 27, maybe 29. Dunno. That sort of behavior suggests to me immaturity. She likes to play the damsel in distress.

-that she "feels so comfortable" with me, so quickly. She thanked me for "being the way you were", which I believe alludes to my insisting that we don't spend the night together and my general take-things-at-a-slower- pace. Wouldn't a really hurt woman be more careful if they wanted to have something serious with a guy?

-she also, at a joke I made earlier in the night, blurted out how many lovers she'd had total(13) and then apologized for it.

I appreciate any advice...

It's fine, take it at face value and see where it goes.

Do not put yourself under any pressure that she may be one thing or another, you either like it or you don't.

Relax, it is only a date, go enjoy yourself for a while.

The time for serious analysis is a long way off, appreciate it for what it is, not what you may think it may or may not be.

Adults are allowed to be immature sometimes, it is usually called fun.

January 3, 2015

I am glad she was to your liking.

Stop analyzing and enjoy the moment. Most online dating don't make it past 3 dates so keep your energy and questions for later.

Have fun.

January 3, 2015

I am glad she was to your liking.

Stop analyzing and enjoy the moment.
Have fun.

Gotta agree here.. also make sure you use condoms

January 3, 2015

Oh for Pete sake, Sycamore. Go out with her a few more times and see what happens. Then make a decision about whether or not to pursue something more serious with her.

here here... sometimes over analyzing things is just the worst thing you can do.

January 3, 2015

Exactly. Stop overanalyzing and just go out with her and have fun. Now is not the time to nitpick everything that she says and does. Obviously, just follow your heart and see what happens.

January 3, 2015

Yep, just keep showing up until someone says no. I remember first thinking about that when seeing spouses wheeling their demented spouse around the nursing home my mother was at; the spouse had long forgotten who they were. They just kept showing up.

Value the now. Tomorrow is unknown. I'll second, third and fourth guarding against over-thinking. Relax!

January 3, 2015

She sounds like fun, I don't think 13 is a lot either so that's not bad.

Just see how things go but I wouldn't get too attached as she seems flakey a little.

As for your dating preferences... They are your preferences and I wouldn't change them at the advice of anyone.

I generally only date younger, I'm 30 the oldest girl I have dated is 25. I also have a preference for blond or redheads and only really consider athletic or close to that. Shallow maybe but I don't really care.

January 3, 2015

I find it strange that the number of sex partners she's had came up on the first date.

I smell drama ahead.

January 3, 2015

Correct me if I'm wrong Sycamore, didn't you have an encounter with a BPD woman before?

If so, I can understand your complete hesitancy.

January 3, 2015

I spent the better part of today communicating with a woman on OKC. She was 33, I'm 38.

First off, let me say I know it's a bad idea to write too much to each other. I also know it's bad to talk about your romantic past to a prospective date. But sometimes you just go with the flow.

We started talking about our romantic past. I told her a little of mine. She had a similar background. I told some more. She also experienced some of the same things.

We both had been burned pretty badly.

About two hours in and 20 messages in, she sends me a message to the effect "I just noticed your age preferences. You only date younger women. That is a giant red flag for me. It was nice chatting with you. Good luck in your search."

Foolishly, I spent another two hours delicately debating how just because I'm a 38 year old man whose preferences list women 27 - 35 doesn't mean that I'm f-ed up and out to hurt women.

The whole time I was thinking is this profile for real? But the profile is as fleshed out as can be. I can't believe someone would go through all the trouble of such an elaborate profile to catfish.

She said that she corresponded with a male friend who heard tell of a 38 year old man interested in dating 27 year old women and responded "gross."

What do you make of all this? Do I come off as creepy for being interested in women 27 -35? I'm typically chatting with women around 30. My last two dates were with a 33 and 35 year old.

Perspective, please.

Women seem to be extremely touchy nowadays looking for reasons and or excuses to disqualify prospects and its wrong if you ask me. Its like if a man doesn't go for a woman exactly his age or "older" he's a creep. I think the media has a lot to do with this nonsense. Write said lady off and move on. Maybe delete the "dating younger women" part of your profile so other women don't get riled up and form naïve opinions of you.

January 3, 2015

Women seem to be extremely touchy nowadays looking for reasons and or excuses to disqualify prospects and its wrong if you ask me. Its like if a man doesn't go for a woman exactly his age or "older" he's a creep. I think the media has a lot to do with this nonsense. Write said lady off and move on. Maybe delete the "dating younger women" part of your profile so other women don't get riled up and form naïve opinions of you.

There is an update to this story.

January 3, 2015

It would be a red flag to me that a man isn't open to dating women his own age.

Funny how it's okay to consider it a red flag as something as insignificant as an age range for having such a preference, but gosh forbid a woman date a man who is only 6 feet or taller....but that's a "preference" not a "red flag".

Such a double standard.

I once recall a woman who was in her mid 40's and her age range went from like 37, to 30. She's an avid runner apparently and wants to date a man who is equally as active and chances are she chose an age bracket because men her age are out of shape usually. Some think there is a correlation between age and physical fitness.

January 3, 2015

As someone who has been catfished (on OKC), IMO what you experienced doesn't sound like catfishing. It sounded like she was turned off by your stated preferences once she saw what they were.

You'd have been catfished for certain if she from the get-go went out of her way to not meet you; went out of the state/country without meeting you; started asking for money because some far-fetched "emergency" sprung up on her. It doesn't sound like any of that occurred.

You and she want different things, it would appear.

January 3, 2015

I was upfront. It's something that every person can see who looks at my profile. She noticed it later.

I suspect it was catfish because the details of her romantic past mirrored my own. You might say they "parroted" my own.

Is the catfish thinking, "oh, I'll emotionally lure this person in, only to pull the rug out from underneath?"

It's just peculiar to me.

No. By and large, they lure you in to get money out of you. Whatever your preferences are, they will say they meet them because the reality of the situation is: a catfish isn't intending upon meeting you. They are intent upon parting you from your cash. If your emotions get in the way, then to them, that's just collateral damage/cost of doing business.

January 3, 2015

I find it strange that the number of sex partners she's had came up on the first date.

I smell drama ahead.

Do you mean the Law & Order kind of drama?

January 3, 2015

She wrote:

If we did like each other, I would always worry that you were looking at and going to leave me for some 20-something and I would be overly concerned with my own physicality (wrinkles, gray hairs, fluctuating weight). That's not the woman I am meant to be nor the kind of man I am meant to be with.

__________

This is the mind of a 33-year-old woman on a free dating site?

What does the cost of the site have to do with anyone's mindset? There are lots of men on there in their 60's who are just as messy and damaged in their mindset, too. OKC, POF--free sites attract whoever; after all, you're on there, too.

I think it's a mature view to take. She knows her limits; she doesn't want to turn herself into a pretzel over a man. She knows who/what she doesn't want to turn into in order to be with a guy like that. She's getting out before she gets in too deeply so she can find a guy over whom she doesn't have to be in relentless competition with 20-somethings.

It's just her preference and everyone is entitled to their preferences.

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Was I just Catfished? [Update: It wasn't catfishing]

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