Was I just Catfished? [Update: It wasn't catfishing]

[FitChick]

SycamoreCircle, are you looking to get married and have kids right away? Then age would be an issue. Otherwise, irrelevant.

 

I'm still scratching my head over why you think a 45-year old woman is a "frump." In the Deep South maybe. Take a trip over the bridge to Manhattan. See all those hot, well groomed, successful businesswomen? You just think they are in their twenties and thirties. Most are forties and fifties and would love a toy boy like you!

[Ruby Slippers]

Is what you're saying about men comparable to women's height preference?

Pretty much. Would a 5'11" man be repelled by a woman setting her preferred height range to 5'10" and up? I don't see the sense in that. It's a simple fact that the majority of women prefer taller men, and the majority of men prefer younger women. This doesn't make women or men shallow, untrustworthy, or whatever. They're just simple facts of nature. And of course some women are happy to date shorter men, and some men are happy to date older women.

 

She wrote:

 

If we did like each other, I would always worry that you were looking at and going to leave me for some 20-something and I would be overly concerned with my own physicality (wrinkles, gray hairs, fluctuating weight). That's not the woman I am meant to be nor the kind of man I am meant to be with.

I don't read your preference that way at all. I read it as this: you prefer a woman a little younger than yourself. This doesn't suggest to me that your range will be 27-35 forever, but it will likely remain a little younger than yourself - which she, by the way, will always be.

 

To me, this woman seems overly sensitive and insecure about her own aging. I see nothing wrong with your preferences, and would not be put off by them.

[SycamoreCircle]

I feel like a lot of opposition is coming from women and I sense that it has to do with insecurities that they feel personally. I can understand this. I've heard enough stories about men leaving for younger women.

 

I have trouble relating to this because I'm a devoutly loyal person in my relationships. I'm also a person that is careful about who I get involved with(obviously not enough) at least in the respect that it's someone that I can see something long term developing. I'm not interested in hook-ups or flings or even short term dating. And I'd really like to meet the one, if such a thing exists.

 

And after my last relationship, I really want someone who is emotionally responsible, someone who knows who they are.

 

Understand also that I'm a low income wage earner. I've been so all of my life. So, the idea that I'm going to have a girl and then all of a sudden see greener, more tender grass and vacate is completely foreign to me, if alone for the fact that I don't think most women would "prize" what I outwardly offer. I'm a simple man.

 

Now, that being said, one of the few "prizes" that I can offer is life experience. I've lived and traveled in a lot of different places. Met a lot of different people. Had a lot of different jobs. Done a lot of eccentric things. I have life experience and I've always understood that women younger than myself identify that, seek that and appreciate that. So, in essence, dating younger women reasserts a certain value to myself. It makes me feel special.

 

Is that selfish? Is it predatorial? Is it opportunistic or exploitative? Is it self-righteous? Am I out telling 23 year old women, "hey I've been to Cuba" to get tail? No. In lieu of finances or equity, it makes me feel like a man.

[SycamoreCircle]

Well, maybe she's just a challenging type person and maybe for you right now that's a breath of fresh air. Also, though, hasn't she told you it's not on? Or is it back on or at least up in the air now?

 

She/he seems keen on debating with me to eternity why I'm holding The People's Republic of China banner. Anyone's guess.

[SycamoreCircle]

SycamoreCircle, are you looking to get married and have kids right away? Then age would be an issue. Otherwise, irrelevant.

 

I'm still scratching my head over why you think a 45-year old woman is a "frump." In the Deep South maybe. Take a trip over the bridge to Manhattan. See all those hot, well groomed, successful businesswomen? You just think they are in their twenties and thirties. Most are forties and fifties and would love a toy boy like you!

 

Mostly alliteration, it was just an example. I could say a greasy Jamaican rudeboy. It does not mean I think all Jamaicans have overactive sebaceous glands and commit crimes.

[vermillionsoul]

This has never been a problem in the past, so I don't feel the need to adjust my preferences.

 

I was contacted by a 21 year old woman couple weeks back. Didn't reply.

 

I was contacted by a 44 year old woman few days ago. Didn't reply.

 

One of the things that really appealed to me about this 33 year old woman that I spoke to today was she stated that she was looking to move very slowly. Can I emphasize how AMAZING that sounds to me?!

 

Can I also bring up that I turned down a date with a hot 35 year old black woman because she was in an open relationship. Blast me all you want ladies, I'm putting myself back together. I need someone who can handle my turtle speed. And for a person, whom I'm commiserating with, to imply that I'm a shallow, youth-hungry, womanizer while I'm spilling my guts about how I got burned just comes off cruel.

 

I thought you said that you preferred to date women of your own race but then you say that you turned down a "hot" black women just because she was in an open relationship?

[hoping2heal]

Actually,

 

I am not sure how you gleaned catfishing from that?

 

I think it sounds like she made an assumption about you (true or not) and changed her mind. People make snap judgements all of the time. I think that is what happened..not cat fishing.

[aggie382]

I feel like a lot of opposition is coming from women and I sense that it has to do with insecurities that they feel personally. I can understand this. I've heard enough stories about men leaving for younger women.

 

I have no insecurities about this. Fortunately or unfortunately depending on a woman's view, I am only 30 and sometimes look like I'm not even legal to drink. The guys who've broken up with me have always wound up with women older than me both in chronological age and appearance.

 

I just would quickly pass over a man on an online dating site if I didn't fit his 'preferences' because there are sooooooooo many who I do fit.

[Almond_Joy]

So, what should a healthy, non red-flag 38 year old man's age preference category read like?

 

27 - 38, your own age. I get you've only been attracted to women younger than you, but it just comes off wierd that your age range max is lower than the same age you are.

 

That's just me.

[SycamoreCircle]

I thought you said that you preferred to date women of your own race but then you say that you turned down a "hot" black women just because she was in an open relationship?

Nice try. Keep looking for chinks.<<<That was not a racial epithet. I said that I typically date women of my own racial background. No, in fact, years ago I fell pretty hard for dark, curly Sonja.

[Gaeta]

She wrote:

 

If we did like each other, I would always worry that you were looking at and going to leave me for some 20-something and I would be overly concerned with my own physicality (wrinkles, gray hairs, fluctuating weight). That's not the woman I am meant to be nor the kind of man I am meant to be with.

 

__________

 

This is the mind of a 33-year-old woman on a free dating site?

 

She is insecure and doesn't think she has what it takes to keep the attention of a man. You need someone that has more confidence and self-value. She probably also did not look as good as she looked on her picture.

[SycamoreCircle]

Actually,

 

I am not sure how you gleaned catfishing from that?

 

I think it sounds like she made an assumption about you (true or not) and changed her mind. People make snap judgements all of the time. I think that is what happened..not cat fishing.

 

Fine. Then why would Woman of Changed Mind debate for an hour on the fantasy of her claim?

[SycamoreCircle]

She is insecure and doesn't think she has what it takes to keep the attention of a man. You need someone that has more confidence and self-value. She probably also did not look as good as she looked on her picture.

 

And she said herself that her ex left her in a terrible spot. But I would be so right for someone like this. I'm not looking for sex. I'm not looking to control anyone. I would just like a person whose trust has been shaken like me. That I also happen to find very attractive....:-)

[Mangina]

She is insecure and doesn't think she has what it takes to keep the attention of a man. You need someone that has more confidence and self-value. She probably also did not look as good as she looked on her picture.

 

This is what I think is true. It is probably the reason why girls do not want to meet in person and find excuses to either stop talking to you or never meet you in the flesh. They do not look as good in person. The girls that my room mate met in person did not look as good as in their pictures

[Mangina]

And she said herself that her ex left her in a terrible spot. But I would be so right for someone like this. I'm not looking for sex. I'm not looking to control anyone. I would just like a person whose trust has been shaken like me. That I also happen to find very attractive....:-)

 

I think if you met her you may find her pics decieved you. Also the story might be just her side of the story or even worse a lie. I think you should not be so hung up

[insert_name]

When you take into account having kids it makes perfect sense why a man would want a woman as younger than him as possible.

 

I am in the same situation, met a really nice girl early last year, awesome well paying job, own home- the catch? She was 40 so pretty much a non-starter for me as I would still like kids of my own. If I reach 40 childless then I will reconsider but until then while I still have time just about on my side it makes sense to try and date age appropriately for having kids where possible.

 

Once you have factored in a couple of years to make sure you are a good fit as a couple you have to be looking at 36 or (preferably) younger. I suppose you can date older women for fun but for us guys in our mid 30s we arent getting any younger so time spent just hanging out with older women is still time spent wasted plus its not fair to waste their time akso if you arent serious.

 

I guess people will pull me up on my outlook that having kids 40+ is out of the question. No problem with that, I just dont think its right for me and its probably not healthy for the female/child to be having kids at 40 and over. To each their own though.

[ascendotum]

Yes, it would be a red flag for me too (I'm female and 27 btw). I don't mind if a guy tells me that his last girlfriends were all younger than him, but it would bother me if he were only interested in women younger than him. Same goes for race- I'd never go out with a guy who's only interested in meeting white blondes (which I am) for example.

 

I have no doubt quite a fair few savvy men & women get around any backlash by expanding their age/height/race/body type range up to their own in their profile criteria to look less superficial but in reality they simply only contact the people they actually prefer or choose to respond only to the people that meet their specific 'real' preferences.

 

As you said if you met a guy and his last gfs were all a fair bit younger, you would not write him off because you don't know that's his default. Like women I know who only have a certain type, but deny they do and just say it was fate or chemistry because they don't want to come off shallow. With OLD some people will hint at their preferences (ie I look young for my age and am very active and prefer a younger partner so they can keep up with me and I find my with my fun loving nature I relate to them better, blah blah) hoping others will read between the lines but they can still claim they are not superficial/picky.

Also imo when dating someone a fair bit younger, its not all about looks but also their spirit.

Edited January 2, 2015 by ascendotum

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't think it's insecurity as much as pragmatism.

 

Investing in a relationship with someone who appears to prefer a narrow range of only younger options just doesn't seem like a good investment when there are so many guys that will appreciate someone who is not youth-centric.

 

On OLD, you aren't going to spend six hours on every guy's profile figuring out if he really means that he's not "really all about the youngest girl he feels he can possibly get."

 

Even the statement about low income and experience and how "younger women get that." What happens when she gets older? She doesn't get it anymore? Have to find a new younger partner?

[SycamoreCircle]

I don't think it's insecurity as much as pragmatism.

 

Investing in a relationship with someone who appears to prefer a narrow range of only younger options just doesn't seem like a good investment when there are so many guys that will appreciate someone who is not youth-centric.

 

On OLD, you aren't going to spend six hours on every guy's profile figuring out if he really means that he's not "really all about the youngest girl he feels he can possibly get."

 

Even the statement about low income and experience and how "younger women get that." What happens when she gets older? She doesn't get it anymore? Have to find a new younger partner?

 

Then why not put Women: Ages: 27 - 110? That way a woman will be insured that at 46 the fires will be just as stoked.

 

FYI- This woman is still responding to my messaging. It's the most unnerving thing. It's entirely my fault, too. I need to just be done with it. Thanks for everyone's input!!!

[EgoJoe]

There was a poster on LS who once stated that many 30+ Women with baggage are intimidated by younger Women without any or as much baggage.

 

 

Why not just tell her you're interested and when you're committed it's because you've done your due diligence and barring previously unknown irreconcilable differences that you are a committed partner who will always work to build and maintain the relationship that you have?

 

 

I think that might be your best approach to let her know that while you understand her perspective you're not that guy.

[ready4therightone]

Am I the only one thinking a 38 year old dude looking for a 27-33 year old is normal? Im 35 and thats my age range because i'm looking for someone that wants kids and isn't too young and not have pregnancy complications due to age. Seriously who cares what this lady thinks though?

[aggie382]

Am I the only one thinking a 38 year old dude looking for a 27-33 year old is normal? Im 35 and thats my age range because i'm looking for someone that wants kids and isn't too young and not have pregnancy complications due to age. Seriously who cares what this lady thinks though?

 

You should do some research about fertility and age. The issues apply equally to men. So, get to sperminating!

[FitChick]

I think he is more worried that an older woman would be interested in a high earner which he admits he is not. Younger women just want to have fun. If she is still interested I don't see why you don't date her.

[SycamoreCircle]

P.S. We corresponded today and are getting together for a drink tonight! Sometimes persistence pays off. We'll see where this goes...:-)

[stillafool]

This woman obviously knew that in 3 years she would be out of your age range. I can't blame her for not wanting to be out to pasture in 3 years. She was right to move on.