Was I just Catfished? [Update: It wasn't catfishing]

January 1, 2015

Yeah, that Type A woman ended up asking me for more pics. Who does that on a dating site? It's coffee, not the Treaty of Versailles.

Tons of people do that, especially if you only have a few pics that don't show you well or they're inconsistent, like you're thin in one and chunky in another.

And my problem with Type A women is not that they would be wrong for me---I'd love to date a successful, headstrong businesswoman. The problem is I would not be right for them! I'm like The Dude. No woman coming home from a long hard day at the office wants to hear that "oh I made Puttanesca, read some articles on the origin of Dub and took a bath."

That's a pretty lame assumption to make.

I think you make a lot of strange and inaccurate assumptions about women.

January 1, 2015

You just proved my point.

Also, 48 is not 'your own age,' which is what I would need a man to be willing to date in order to not pose a red flag.

Yes. I'm only attracted to women that I find attractive. The women I have been attracted to in the past have been as old as 35. Would I like to meet someone that I'm attracted to? Most definitely. Was I ever attracted to 19 year old girls? Yes. Then, I got older. Now, I see them as children. Now I see 24 year old women as children. 25, 26, now, wait line in the sand...27!!! Should things continue on this path, when I'm 63, I'll view women in their 40's and 50's as attractive.

Now, repair to your monastery where you're only attracted to people for their beautiful souls.

January 1, 2015

Catfishing is when someone reels you in with fake pictures and pretends to be someone they aren't through false images and/or lies about their life. This situation wasn't catfishing. It was a situation of her talking to you then finding out something she didn't like and bailing, which happens and is partly part of what dating is about: finding people whose values, interests etc. are compatible with your own. The sooner you realize they aren't the better.

Personally, yes, I'd be turned off by a man who explicitly doesn't date women his age. And if you're 38 and explicitly are only looking to date women 27-35, that is a little weird to me and I'd probably inquire about the preference and if it sounds like some kind of issue or BS I'd probably not proceed further.

So, what should a healthy, non red-flag 38 year old man's age preference category read like?

January 1, 2015

Catfishing is when someone reels you in with fake pictures and pretends to be someone they aren't through false images and/or lies about their life. This situation wasn't catfishing. It was a situation of her talking to you then finding out something she didn't like and bailing, which happens and is partly part of what dating is about: finding people whose values, interests etc. are compatible with your own. The sooner you realize they aren't the better.

Personally, yes, I'd be turned off by a man who explicitly doesn't date women his age. And if you're 38 and explicitly are only looking to date women 27-35, that is a little weird to me and I'd probably inquire about the preference and if it sounds like some kind of issue or BS I'd probably not proceed further.

Agreed....^^

Catfishing is if they kept on chatting with you in various forms, but not a form where you could actually verify who they are (i.e. FaceTime, Skype, video chat, phone)....And, they make you think they are in a RL with you and/or have genuine interest in you.

IMO, catfishing isn't something you get out of talking to someone on one day. It takes a life of its own and goes on for weeks, months, etc.

For me, Catfishing on OLD may be the case I try to set up a meet in person over coffee/drinks and they fade...or, when you try to get their tel, they fade. But, still wouldn't call that Catfishing...someone not wanting to meet in person and/or exchanging phone numbers could be them simply "not that into you" and/or them realizing that they gave you some old pics (not fake pics like a Catfisher) and you are gonna be disappointed when you see them in real life.

January 1, 2015

You made a pretty long post that didn't really address my point. His preference, regardless of the fact that it's stated up front, poses a red flag to me. The specific 'preference' at issue, is one based either solely on the superficial or on the inaccurate assumption that younger women are more laid-back and easier. This 'preference' tells me he prioritizes looks -- that will fade -- or someone who isn't serious or is so easy going as to be almost a doormat. And I have enough experience with online dating to know that I'm pretty on point with this interpretation. And my reads of the OP's threads pretty much seal the deal. He had one where he didn't want to date a Type-A woman, who he declared as Type-A and uptight simply because she responded to his message directly and asking that he text her instead of continue emailing.

I do feel that I addressed the topic at hand, I think we just disagree, and that is okay. I don't see it as prioritizing looks over personality. I think most people just want a combination of looks and personality they can find attractive. If he was willing to date any woman younger and attractive and had no preferences at all when it comes to views, lifestyle, etc than I would agree with you 100% in your assessment. I haven't been keeping track of his other threads and so I can't comment on that stuff. But for the isolated topic of aesthetic preferences, I just don't see having them as meaning that the person doesn't care about personality at all. That's why I offer myself up as another example of what I mean. I've only been attracted to men of my own race throughout my life, but that doesn't mean that it's all I care about.

The other angle I am trying to feel out from your stance is that maybe you think he has a superiority sort of complex, and maybe he does, Idunno. But I just don't think age preferences mean that someone is "more into the outside than the inside" of a mate.

Because if I put in my OLD profile that I don't want to date men older than 35, it's not because I'm shallow or only care about the outside package. And if I don't defend others' rights to their preferences, then I lose the right to expect my own to be respected, as well.

If you have found in your personal observations/experiences that men who will only date younger (than themselves) women tend to be narcissistic and such, I'm not challenging what you say you've witnessed/experienced. I'd have no place to do so, anyway.

I just don't think it's an inherent sign of shallow people. But I agree that it can be a part of an overall narcy personality. Or in other words maybe we're actually on the same page but just looking at two different things/angles? Or maybe we just disagree, which is chill, too.

January 1, 2015

Tons of people do that, especially if you only have a few pics that don't show you well or they're inconsistent, like you're thin in one and chunky in another.

That's a pretty lame assumption to make.

I think you make a lot of strange and inaccurate assumptions about women.

Why is that a "lame" assumption? Am I strange and inaccurate for assuming that a breadwinning 9-5 businesswoman would typically prefer a partner who shares her lifestyle?

January 1, 2015

What do you make of all this? Do I come off as creepy for being interested in women 27 -35? I'm typically chatting with women around 30. My last two dates were with a 33 and 35 year old.

Perspective, please.

Yes, it would be a red flag for me too (I'm female and 27 btw). I don't mind if a guy tells me that his last girlfriends were all younger than him, but it would bother me if he were only interested in women younger than him. Same goes for race- I'd never go out with a guy who's only interested in meeting white blondes (which I am) for example.

January 1, 2015

I don't think dating anyone in their 30s or even late 20s is out of range for you, just speaking numbers-wise. But one thing that can set off a red flag for women is men who consistently date way younger and I guess it's for different reasons, ranging from the "gross" reaction to "he only likes them because they are young and therefore prettier so only one thing is important to him" or better reasons like "he's immature, so he needs immature women." For me it would be the latter.

I wonder if she got your info mixed up any or misheard something, because normally people don't worry about 5 years age difference either way.

January 1, 2015

Could be a catfish most likely a strange girl on the internet with no intention of meeting anybody. If she did not see the age preference she would have either found something else or gave you an excuse when ever you tried to arrange a date. My room mate quit internet dating because of several girls like that. He is the type who a lot of girls like and flirt i

January 1, 2015

Why is that a "lame" assumption? Am I strange and inaccurate for assuming that a breadwinning 9-5 businesswoman would typically prefer a partner who shares her lifestyle?

Some women, breadwinning or not, will want an ambitious man. Some will want someone who's able to hold down the home front ala a male Martha Stewart.

I'm 30 by the way, and in a profession that will ultimately make me good money. I just want a nice man who doesn't assume I'm an old hag when I hit his own age.

January 1, 2015

Yes, it would be a red flag for me too (I'm female and 27 btw). I don't mind if a guy tells me that his last girlfriends were all younger than him, but it would bother me if he were only interested in women younger than him. Same goes for race- I'd never go out with a guy who's only interested in meeting white blondes (which I am) for example.

Nowhere in my profile did it say, "I only date 27-35 year old women." It was a preference, not a boundary.

I also list on my profile "Strictly Monogamous. Long Term Relationship."

January 1, 2015

I don't think dating anyone in their 30s or even late 20s is out of range for you, just speaking numbers-wise. But one thing that can set off a red flag for women is men who consistently date way younger and I guess it's for different reasons, ranging from the "gross" reaction to "he only likes them because they are young and therefore prettier so only one thing is important to him" or better reasons like "he's immature, so he needs immature women." For me it would be the latter.

I wonder if she got your info mixed up any or misheard something, because normally people don't worry about 5 years age difference either way.

We had a good hour-long discussion about why she felt that this was a dealbreaker for her. That's the other reason it seemed like a Catfish to me. OK, I'm not right for you---goodbye! but she kept engaging me on the subject. Up and down, up and down.

To be honest, it was the first time in a long time that someone has distracted me from feelings for my ex. It felt...good.

January 1, 2015

Nowhere in my profile did it say, "I only date 27-35 year old women." It was a preference, not a boundary.

I also list on my profile "Strictly Monogamous. Long Term Relationship."

Maybe you're open to date women your own age, but the women that see your profile on an online dating website don't know you. They only see your preference of younger women and are therefore turned off and move on to another profile of the 20,484,484 men that are on the online dating website.

If you're also open to meet women around your own age or even a few years older, you should change your preference in your profile IMO.

January 1, 2015

Maybe you're open to date women your own age, but the women that see your profile on an online dating website don't know you. They only see your preference of younger women and are therefore turned off and move on to another profile of the 20,484,484 men that are on the online dating website.

If you're also open to meet women around your own age or even a few years older, you should change your preference in your profile IMO.

Yeah. I don't see options in profiles as 'preferences' really. I see them as 'open to.' And nothing prohibits a person from saying they're open to a wide range, but then searching for something more limited, and reaching out to those people. But what you put in your profile will limit who responds to you.

January 1, 2015

Nowhere in my profile did it say, "I only date 27-35 year old women." It was a preference, not a boundary.

I also list on my profile "Strictly Monogamous. Long Term Relationship."

Your profile isn't a preference, it's an 'open to.' Your profile tells people you're not open to dating outside that range. So people outside that range won't bother with you.

I'm white, short, curvy, brunette, educated, meat-eater, non-smoker, regular drinker. If someone only had black, Asian, Hispanic marked, or only blondes, or only vegetarians, why would I bother with them? There are a million other options out there for me, many of whom I fit.

January 1, 2015

This has never been a problem in the past, so I don't feel the need to adjust my preferences.

I was contacted by a 21 year old woman couple weeks back. Didn't reply.

I was contacted by a 44 year old woman few days ago. Didn't reply.

One of the things that really appealed to me about this 33 year old woman that I spoke to today was she stated that she was looking to move very slowly. Can I emphasize how AMAZING that sounds to me?!

Can I also bring up that I turned down a date with a hot 35 year old black woman because she was in an open relationship. Blast me all you want ladies, I'm putting myself back together. I need someone who can handle my turtle speed. And for a person, whom I'm commiserating with, to imply that I'm a shallow, youth-hungry, womanizer while I'm spilling my guts about how I got burned just comes off cruel.

January 1, 2015

To all the people questioning my interpretation of "catfish"---all I'm saying is someone who is not really who they present themselves on the website as. Like maybe this is a dude.

January 1, 2015

This has never been a problem in the past, so I don't feel the need to adjust my preferences.

I was contacted by a 21 year old woman couple weeks back. Didn't reply.

I was contacted by a 44 year old woman few days ago. Didn't reply.

One of the things that really appealed to me about this 33 year old woman that I spoke to today was she stated that she was looking to move very slowly. Can I emphasize how AMAZING that sounds to me?!

Can I also bring up that I turned down a date with a hot 35 year old black woman because she was in an open relationship. Blast me all you want ladies, I'm putting myself back together. I need someone who can handle my turtle speed. And for a person, whom I'm commiserating with, to imply that I'm a shallow, youth-hungry, womanizer while I'm spilling my guts about how I got burned just comes off cruel.

So why are you here if you think you got it all figured out already and won't take any advices? If you think you're doing everything right, just forget about that one woman and move on to the next one who doesn't have a problem with your preferences.

January 1, 2015

Your profile isn't a preference, it's an 'open to.' Your profile tells people you're not open to dating outside that range. So people outside that range won't bother with you.

I'm white, short, curvy, brunette, educated, meat-eater, non-smoker, regular drinker. If someone only had black, Asian, Hispanic marked, or only blondes, or only vegetarians, why would I bother with them? There are a million other options out there for me, many of whom I fit.

Why are we getting into the semantics of this? I really think plenty of people would be "open to" referring to those designations as "preferences."

January 1, 2015

So why are you here if you think you got it all figured out already and won't take any advices? If you think you're doing everything right, just forget about that one woman and move on to the next one who doesn't have a problem with your preferences.

Maybe I'm obstinate, but I cannot understand how a 38 year old man listing his dating preferences as 27 - 35 can be viewed as a giant red flag? I've yet to be convinced.

January 1, 2015

Maybe I'm obstinate, but I cannot understand how a 38 year old man listing his dating preferences as 27 - 35 can be viewed as a giant red flag? I've yet to be convinced.

Because to me as a woman it leaves the impression that age and looks are more important to you than anything else. I'm only 27 now, but if I dated you I would be worried that in a couple of years, when I'm maybe over 40 and not 'fresh meat' anymore, you'd try to 'upgrade to a younger model' because a quite young age seems important to you.

It doesn't mean you are actually like this- Maybe you're not and you would stay with your woman even when she's 65. But from an online dating profile this is difficult to find out and therefore it's easier to just move on to the next profile.

January 1, 2015

Maybe I'm obstinate, but I cannot understand how a 38 year old man listing his dating preferences as 27 - 35 can be viewed as a giant red flag? I've yet to be convinced.

Perhaps the dozen or so women who listed it as a red flag may help you to see how obstinate you are being.

You'd rather say this potential match was a vanishing dude than accept what women are telling you.

Wow. Good luck with that OP.

BTW 32 Yr old female here.

I see a red flag when a guy won't date his age.

And yes preferences are deterrents.

That's why they are listed on profiles.

The bigger red flag is that after this woman bluntly tells you why, and then many other women follow, you still argue it to the point of self-righteousness. It just shows that you aren't open to any input or understanding.

A catfish? Really?

January 1, 2015

So, what should a healthy, non red-flag 38 year old man's age preference category read like?

I'm not here to dictate what you should be looking for.

Why is it you don't date women who are also 38, or 37, or 36....why do you cut it off at 35? That's what I'd ask you if I saw that on your profile as it is curious that you specifically avoid women your age.

I'm in my twenties and I generally date guys my age and older but within reason since I need to be at a similar stage in life as the man I'm dating therefore my age and a few years older is reasonable. As I get older it will be the same. In my own experience men who specifically prefer to date women much younger or not the same age as them tend to do so because of certain hangups or their own immaturity and that is the reason why it would be a red flag for me. If you included women your age but also went younger it would be one thing but it's just darn strange to me why someone who would single out women closer to their age as those they aren't looking for and turn to those much younger.

January 1, 2015

We had a good hour-long discussion about why she felt that this was a dealbreaker for her. That's the other reason it seemed like a Catfish to me. OK, I'm not right for you---goodbye! but she kept engaging me on the subject. Up and down, up and down.

To be honest, it was the first time in a long time that someone has distracted me from feelings for my ex. It felt...good.

Well, maybe she's just a challenging type person and maybe for you right now that's a breath of fresh air. Also, though, hasn't she told you it's not on? Or is it back on or at least up in the air now?

January 2, 2015

Why wouldn't your age range be like for 30-40 instead of looking 11 years younger and not dating someone your own age ?

I think men who put their age range like you cut your dating pool way down.. look at the girl you were speaking to, she was in your age range but your range went way young so she had a problem with it...

Is this your loss ?

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Was I just Catfished? [Update: It wasn't catfishing]

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