Was I just Catfished? [Update: It wasn't catfishing]

January 1, 2015

I spent the better part of today communicating with a woman on OKC. She was 33, I'm 38.

First off, let me say I know it's a bad idea to write too much to each other. I also know it's bad to talk about your romantic past to a prospective date. But sometimes you just go with the flow.

We started talking about our romantic past. I told her a little of mine. She had a similar background. I told some more. She also experienced some of the same things.

We both had been burned pretty badly.

About two hours in and 20 messages in, she sends me a message to the effect "I just noticed your age preferences. You only date younger women. That is a giant red flag for me. It was nice chatting with you. Good luck in your search."

Foolishly, I spent another two hours delicately debating how just because I'm a 38 year old man whose preferences list women 27 - 35 doesn't mean that I'm f-ed up and out to hurt women.

The whole time I was thinking is this profile for real? But the profile is as fleshed out as can be. I can't believe someone would go through all the trouble of such an elaborate profile to catfish.

She said that she corresponded with a male friend who heard tell of a 38 year old man interested in dating 27 year old women and responded "gross."

What do you make of all this? Do I come off as creepy for being interested in women 27 -35? I'm typically chatting with women around 30. My last two dates were with a 33 and 35 year old.

Perspective, please.

January 1, 2015

You can have any preference you want. Doesn't mean women won't draw their own conclusions.

I always think it's funny that men won't at least include women their own age or, God forbid, a year or two older, yet think nothing of stating they want a woman twenty years younger.

January 1, 2015

How do you think she catfished you? Because her ideals don't match yours as far as dating age range is concerned?

Her age fits within your dating age range of 27 - 35. I'm not sure why she thinks 27 is that young or would be a red flag. 27 isn't that much younger than 33, because it's only a 7 year difference. 27 isn't young.

If you're 38 and prefer to date women who are younger than you, that's totally normal. If you preferred to date 15 year olds, then I'd say that would come across as creepy and perverted.

I'm 44 and the youngest I'd date in a man would be 32. It's all about personal preference. Don't you think?

Who knows if she was a real person or not. This is exactly why I dislike online dating so much.

Next time, just be upfront about the age range when you chat with a woman online. What more could you do? You can't control how women will react to your age range.

January 1, 2015

You can have any preference you want. Doesn't mean women won't draw their own conclusions.

I always think it's funny that men won't at least include women their own age or, God forbid, a year or two older, yet think nothing of stating they want a woman twenty years younger.

Well, I told her it was a preference not a boundary. I also typically date women within my racial background, doesn't mean I'm a racist.

Is what you're saying about men comparable to women's height preference?

January 1, 2015

She said she was interested, then (for reasons that are irrelevant) changed her mind. That's not "catfishing", that's being human. You can't control other people's reactions.

January 1, 2015

How do you think she catfished you? Because her ideals don't match yours as far as dating age range is concerned?

Her age fits within your dating age range of 27 - 35. I'm not sure why she thinks 27 is that young or would be a red flag. 27 isn't that much younger than 33, because it's only a 7 year difference. 27 isn't young.

If you're 38 and prefer to date women who are younger than you, that's totally normal. If you preferred to date 15 year olds, then I'd say that would come across as creepy and perverted.

I'm 44 and the youngest I'd date in a man would be 32. It's all about personal preference. Don't you think?

Who knows if she was a real person or not. This is exactly why I dislike online dating so much.

Next time, just be upfront about the age range when you chat with a woman online. What more could you do? You can't control how women will react to your age range.

I was upfront. It's something that every person can see who looks at my profile. She noticed it later.

I suspect it was catfish because the details of her romantic past mirrored my own. You might say they "parroted" my own.

Is the catfish thinking, "oh, I'll emotionally lure this person in, only to pull the rug out from underneath?"

It's just peculiar to me.

January 1, 2015

It would be a red flag to me that a man isn't open to dating women his own age.

January 1, 2015

It would be a red flag to me that a man isn't open to dating women his own age.

Can you elaborate on this? Help me understand why?

January 1, 2015

She wrote:

If we did like each other, I would always worry that you were looking at and going to leave me for some 20-something and I would be overly concerned with my own physicality (wrinkles, gray hairs, fluctuating weight). That's not the woman I am meant to be nor the kind of man I am meant to be with.

__________

This is the mind of a 33-year-old woman on a free dating site?

January 1, 2015

I was upfront. It's something that every person can see who looks at my profile. She noticed it later.

I suspect it was catfish because the details of her romantic past mirrored my own. You might say they "parroted" my own.

Is the catfish thinking, "oh, I'll emotionally lure this person in, only to pull the rug out from underneath?"

It's just peculiar to me.

You weren't catfished Sycamore. Catfishing DOES happen with online dating a lot. She didn't lure you into a 2 hour conversation only to dump you. After 2 hours chatting with you via email, she changed her mind. It happens. There's no rhyme or reason to it either. People you meet online will inadvertently flake, fade and disappoint you if they aren't 100% interested (or genuine for that matter).

Doesn't matter that the romantic details of her past mirrored yours. I've chatted with guys online who had similar dating histories as mine, but that doesn't mean they catfished me. It just means they had similar relationship experiences and shared the same values as me.

I've had guys suddenly change their mind about continuing to get to know me after we'd exchanged quite a lot of emails. But that's life. People change their mind. You can't control what other people do.

January 1, 2015

I think it's kinda easy to read between the lines, honestly. She's been burned badly before, and isn't over it enough yet to not bring it up during initial conversation with a potential new partner. So she is probably hyper-vigilant about red flags. Then on top of that our insanely politically correct cultures in the Western World can get butthurt about pretty much anything these days, it seems. So she took one of your preferences, blew it way out of proportion in her mind and then found a way to blame you for her own insecurities. And poor lady probably doesn't even realize that's what happened on a subconscious level.

IMO it really is better to just be honest than to try to be accepted for the sake of it. You cut down your prospects, sometimes by a lot, but at least then you know you're on the same page about a lot of things from square one when you do strike something up. I've seen profiles where the answers to some of their questions told me straight up that we wouldn't be a good match, but it was great that I knew that straight up and didn't waste my time or theirs. Rather that than have some awkward blow-out argument on the third date over something.

And as long as people are realistic then I think it's chill. Men who will only date women younger than themselves are limiting their prospects, sometimes substantially depending on the severity of the age gap, but as long as a guy can acknowledge that and have realistic expectations, it's fine. The problem arises when someone is delusional and then gets angry when they can't have what they want. Like m4w ads on Craiglist of a guy in his 50s looking for a "sexy woman" age 18-22 to give him a blow job, and the ad ends with something like "REAL WOMEN ONLY tired of hookers and scams!!!!!". Lol. Like what do you honestly expect dude. But a 7 year age gap is, by comparison, not a huge deal. It has the potential to make you come across as shallow by having the cut-off limit younger than your own age, but if that's really a big deal to you, again better to be honest than not.

January 1, 2015

She wrote:

If we did like each other, I would always worry that you were looking at and going to leave me for some 20-something and I would be overly concerned with my own physicality (wrinkles, gray hairs, fluctuating weight). That's not the woman I am meant to be nor the kind of man I am meant to be with.

__________

This is the mind of a 33-year-old woman on a free dating site?

That's not her catfishing you. That's her sharing her insecurities with you, based on her past experiences with some of the men she's dated. She was sharing information with you, that's all.

January 1, 2015

Can you elaborate on this? Help me understand why?

Exactly what she wrote to you.

It also paints you as someone who's more into the outside than the inside of a woman, and I wouldn't be interested in a man who prioritizes youth over substance.

January 1, 2015

You weren't catfished Sycamore. Catfishing DOES happen with online dating a lot. She didn't lure you into a 2 hour conversation only to dump you. After 2 hours chatting with you via email, she changed her mind. It happens. There's no rhyme or reason to it either. People you meet online will inadvertently flake, fade and disappoint you if they aren't 100% interested (or genuine for that matter).

Doesn't matter that the romantic details of her past mirrored yours. I've chatted with guys online who had similar dating histories as mine, but that doesn't mean they catfished me. It just means they had similar relationship experiences and shared the same values as me.

I've had guys suddenly change their mind about continuing to get to know me after we'd exchanged quite a lot of emails. But that's life. People change their mind. You can't control what other people do.

I've noticed a wave of obviously fake profiles on OKC lately and I've gotten suckered by a few of them.

I deliberately worded my description of what happened between in moderate terms to not set anyone off saying, "Dude, you so got CATFISHED."

But since the very opposite seems to be happening, let me just say that the conversation went something like:

Me: My gf left me for another man. She lied, cheated and smeared me to her family and friends...blah blah blah

She: Wow! Our stories our so similar. I was cheated on by my ex. Blah blah blah

This hints of catfish, I'm sorry.

January 1, 2015

Exactly what she wrote to you.

It also paints you as someone who's more into the outside than the inside of a woman, and I wouldn't be interested in a man who prioritizes youth over substance.

What if a 38 year old man was interested in women 27-37? Is that considered a red flag? Does said man suddenly become a man of substance? Or is he Peter Pan still teetering in Neverland?

January 1, 2015

This hints of catfish, I'm sorry.

How? How does a complete stranger changing their mind about meeting constitute any kind of fraud or deception? This hints of paranoia, I'm sorry. I think this overreaction to a very common occurrence is far more telling about you than her.

January 1, 2015

Exactly what she wrote to you.

It also paints you as someone who's more into the outside than the inside of a woman, and I wouldn't be interested in a man who prioritizes youth over substance.

But if someone can't help what they're attracted to, it is what it is, and it's better to be upfront about it. I'm only attracted to men of my own race and I have lost count over the years of the number of times I have been flamed in some way or another for it. People have made all sorts of terrible assumptions about me when it's really just a preference in attraction that I have no control over.

It is never wrong to be honest about your feelings, barring blatant hostility and disrespect to someone who didn't ask for your opinion in the first place, of course. What is very wrong is pretending to be attracted to someone when you're not, because sooner or later the gig will be up and it hurts a person very badly to find out you were never attracted to them in the first place. It's extremely condescending at best.

I think the major constructive criticism due here for the OP is that there could be women his age or even a but older out there whom he would find attractive, so he could possibly be turning away good prospect without even realizing it, because age does not affect everyone's appearance the same way at all stages in life. So he might be accidentally doing himself a disservice in that regard.

But even if the guy could only be attracted to really tall women (as an arbitrary and deliberately out-there example) it's better to be honest about it than to date a short woman, string her along and never give her the passion she deserves in a relationship as a result.

I've been rejected for a multitude of reasons, and I appreciate it because I was also with someone for a long time who never really found me attractive, but was too 'nice' to dump me. That hurts a thousand times worse than being rejected upfront before catching feels for someone, believe me.

January 1, 2015

How? How does a complete stranger changing their mind about meeting constitute any kind of fraud or deception? This hints of paranoia, I'm sorry. I think this overreaction to a very common occurrence is far more telling about you than her.

How? When there's a series of commiserating dialogues, which seem to be propelling two people towards identification, about something near to the heart, leading on one end, following on the other that is then abruptly up-ended by a ridiculous, left-field conclusion it suggests either, as another poster suggested, a burned, hyper-vigilant sort or someone playing a cruel joke.

January 1, 2015

But if someone can't help what they're attracted to, it is what it is, and it's better to be upfront about it.

You made a pretty long post that didn't really address my point. His preference, regardless of the fact that it's stated up front, poses a red flag to me. The specific 'preference' at issue, is one based either solely on the superficial or on the inaccurate assumption that younger women are more laid-back and easier. This 'preference' tells me he prioritizes looks -- that will fade -- or someone who isn't serious or is so easy going as to be almost a doormat. And I have enough experience with online dating to know that I'm pretty on point with this interpretation. And my reads of the OP's threads pretty much seal the deal. He had one where he didn't want to date a Type-A woman, who he declared as Type-A and uptight simply because she responded to his message directly and asking that he text her instead of continue emailing.

January 1, 2015

It is never wrong to be honest about your feelings, barring blatant hostility and disrespect to someone who didn't ask for your opinion in the first place, of course. What is very wrong is pretending to be attracted to someone when you're not, because sooner or later the gig will be up and it hurts a person very badly to find out you were never attracted to them in the first place. It's extremely condescending at best.

Precisely. And this is probably more information than I care to share but of the many criticisms made against me by my last partner in her sudden decision to erase me from her life and go off with a man 20 years her senior, my sexual output was held up for scrutiny. Apparently, I never wanted to f***. And give her her due, there were some weeks, dead of NYC winter bone chilling when I barely wanted to get out of bed(convalescing). But now the seed has been planted within me that women want men that PUT OUT and finding someone that you're adequately attracted to is paramount. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Should I date a 45-year old frump because we have so much in common? So when ladies blast men for their shallowness, just remember WE HAVE FLAGS TO RAISE!

January 1, 2015

How? When there's a series of commiserating dialogues, which seem to be propelling two people towards identification, about something near to the heart, leading on one end, following on the other that is then abruptly up-ended by a ridiculous, left-field conclusion it suggests either, as another poster suggested, a burned, hyper-vigilant sort or someone playing a cruel joke.

It seems you don't know the definition of catfishing. That's not 'catfishing' at all. She discovered an incompatibility she hadn't noticed before, and decided to move on. The very same thing could have happened across a dinner table.

January 1, 2015

Precisely. And this is probably more information than I care to share but of the many criticisms made against me by my last partner in her sudden decision to erase me from her life and go off with a man 20 years her senior, my sexual output was held up for scrutiny. Apparently, I never wanted to f***. And give her her due, there were some weeks, dead of NYC winter bone chilling when I barely wanted to get out of bed(convalescing). But now the seed has been planted within me that women want men that PUT OUT and finding someone that you're adequately attracted to is paramount. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Should I date a 45-year old frump because we have so much in common? So when ladies blast men for their shallowness, just remember WE HAVE FLAGS TO RAISE!

You just proved my point.

Also, 48 is not 'your own age,' which is what I would need a man to be willing to date in order to not pose a red flag.

January 1, 2015

Let it go.

January 1, 2015

You made a pretty long post that didn't really address my point. His preference, regardless of the fact that it's stated up front, poses a red flag to me. The specific 'preference' at issue, is one based either solely on the superficial or on the inaccurate assumption that younger women are more laid-back and easier. This 'preference' tells me he prioritizes looks -- that will fade -- or someone who isn't serious or is so easy going as to be almost a doormat. And I have enough experience with online dating to know that I'm pretty on point with this interpretation. And my reads of the OP's threads pretty much seal the deal. He had one where he didn't want to date a Type-A woman, who he declared as Type-A and uptight simply because she responded to his message directly and asking that he text her instead of continue emailing.

Yeah, that Type A woman ended up asking me for more pics. Who does that on a dating site? It's coffee, not the Treaty of Versailles. And my problem with Type A women is not that they would be wrong for me---I'd love to date a successful, headstrong businesswoman. The problem is I would not be right for them! I'm like The Dude. No woman coming home from a long hard day at the office wants to hear that "oh I made Puttanesca, read some articles on the origin of Dub and took a bath."

January 1, 2015

I spent the better part of today communicating with a woman on OKC. She was 33, I'm 38.

First off, let me say I know it's a bad idea to write too much to each other. I also know it's bad to talk about your romantic past to a prospective date. But sometimes you just go with the flow.

We started talking about our romantic past. I told her a little of mine. She had a similar background. I told some more. She also experienced some of the same things.

We both had been burned pretty badly.

About two hours in and 20 messages in, she sends me a message to the effect "I just noticed your age preferences. You only date younger women. That is a giant red flag for me. It was nice chatting with you. Good luck in your search."

Foolishly, I spent another two hours delicately debating how just because I'm a 38 year old man whose preferences list women 27 - 35 doesn't mean that I'm f-ed up and out to hurt women.

The whole time I was thinking is this profile for real? But the profile is as fleshed out as can be. I can't believe someone would go through all the trouble of such an elaborate profile to catfish.

She said that she corresponded with a male friend who heard tell of a 38 year old man interested in dating 27 year old women and responded "gross."

What do you make of all this? Do I come off as creepy for being interested in women 27 -35? I'm typically chatting with women around 30. My last two dates were with a 33 and 35 year old.

Perspective, please.

Catfishing is when someone reels you in with fake pictures and pretends to be someone they aren't through false images and/or lies about their life. This situation wasn't catfishing. It was a situation of her talking to you then finding out something she didn't like and bailing, which happens and is partly part of what dating is about: finding people whose values, interests etc. are compatible with your own. The sooner you realize they aren't the better.

Personally, yes, I'd be turned off by a man who explicitly doesn't date women his age. And if you're 38 and explicitly are only looking to date women 27-35, that is a little weird to me and I'd probably inquire about the preference and if it sounds like some kind of issue or BS I'd probably not proceed further.

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Was I just Catfished? [Update: It wasn't catfishing]

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