Bella1990 Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Hello everybody, Last february (2013) I met a guy in my home country. We connected, had fun and started dating. I was living abroad at the moment so we skyped a lot, saw each other in my holidays and I even spent some weekends with him in my home country (I could travel cheap by my company). It was going great. I was so in love, and I thought he felt the same way about me. Though I lived abroad, we saw each other a lot. At least every 3 weeks a few nights. I met his friends, visited partys with him, but he kept telling the word we were friends, though we did everything a couple does. After a few months I moved back to my home country. My contract finished. We were dating 6 months by that time. I asked him the big question as I was getting insecure. 'Is this going somewhere between us...?'. 'No', that was the answer. I left in tears. A week later he called me. He missed our contact and wanted to stay in touch. As in love as I was, I accepted this. But... I got more insecure in this period. It was hard to play cool, when my heart was crying, jumping and feeling all kind of emotions. Two months later (8 months of dating in total) I gave him an oppertunity: ALL or NOTHING. The answer? Nothing. He couldn't gave me what I want, he said. Five weeks past. We got in touch by message. I was heart broken. We meeted up, to talk things over. I wanted this, to get everything clear. Well.. I didn't got any further with the meeting. He told me he slept with another girl. It was the alcohol, he said. Now... a few weeks later, he sends me random texts. I don't reply. Today he wished me a happy new year, I replied with; same for you. He replied again, with a random text, trying to be funny. I didn't reply. I'm angry at myself. I don't want to love a jerk like this. I want to let this feeling go en respect myself a bit more. Though......... I keep thinking about the good times. Really, it started as a dream, something I never found in a man before. It was amazing. I'm confused, sad, angry, insulted and..... I don't get it. Is this man so rude? Or....... I can't let it go. I'm struggeling, hurt, thinking about him all the time. I feel a lot of emotions. Time doesn't heal it yet, it seems...... Should I completely ignore him? How do I let it go? If you have any advice or if you wanna give your opinion, that would be really appriciated. Love, Bella
Satu Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 You have to go total no contact if you really want to feel better and move on. At first its hard, but it stops any further upsetting events and communication from happening. That means: No direct contact. No contact through a third party. No contact via social media, and no checking up on his social media. Here is some general advice based on what worked for me: 1. You're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce. 2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps. 3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right. 4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person. 5. Tell yourself that you can and will love again. 6. Take care of your body: Eat enough and eat healthily. Drink enough water. Get a bit more rest than you think you need. Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous. If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor. 7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn. 8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media. Its not easy, but it helps. 9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do. 10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate. 11. Post here as often as you want to. People here want to help. Take good care of yourself. 2
David87 Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 No contact all the way, he doesnt deserve to be on your mind everyday. 1
Author Bella1990 Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 (edited) Dear Satu and David, Thanks alot for taking your time. After the second break we didn't talk for 6 weeks. After our last meeting we didn't talk neither. I removed his numer and unfollowed him on facebook. He sends me messages now and then on whatsapp and that brings back al the pain. It upsets me so much. He doesn't care probably. Does he really not realise how it may feel? Does he really not realise this is not fair? In our last meeting he asked me if I was willing to sleep over. Like, what is this? I took a taxi that day. I feel like a fool. I love him and hate him at the same time. It's just.. frustrating and it feels unfair. I want to be happy again, I want to be happy again since a while now. Thanks again! Edited January 1, 2015 by Bella1990 1
coolheadal Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Not the guy for you, because he doesn't respect you and look what he did too you. Come on now THAT'S NO WAY TO THREAT A WOMEN! You have lost all trust in him since he has positivitly betrayed your trust in him. Cut him off, block all contact with him. If your phone has caller blocker use that. Use the NC (no contact/no commutation) and DG = don't give in either! Be strong here too! 2
dyna85 Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 He's stringing you along and you're letting him get away with it. Of course it feels like hell. He told you no but he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Take back the control and just say no (ie. go NC). Take this as a lesson as to what you will not accept in the future... someone who plays you and expects you to stick around. You have every right to feel insulted, sad, hurt, angry, and any other emotion you feel as a result of his actions. Rather than be considerate of your feelings and leave you alone after rejecting you, he's keeping you roped in, to the detriment of your well being. Cut the cord and regain your sanity. It's as simple (and as hard) as no contact. You will get over him, but in order to do that, no contact is the only way. The alternative is more wasted months, if you keep the contact going. Unless he were to completely change his ways (ie. beg for you to be with him, treat you with respect, and be exclusive as you desire), it's not going to work and you need to let it go. It is unlikely he will change in the foreseeable future. I know it hurts and it will be painful for quite some time, but you will get your power and strength back in time, when you cut contact and by doing so, refuse his mistreatment of you. 2
Author Bella1990 Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 Thank you Coolheadal and Dyna, it's so refreshing to see your response. Dyna, I'm sure I gonna read your message a few times over when I feel weird/confused, your clear way of explaning is just what I need. It's pathetic how someone play the populair guy, the one who is beloved and funny for everyone. I wish you both a lovely evening. 2
lauri Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 A true gentleman would tell you no and out of respect, let you go so you can find someone worthwhile. There isn't anything wrong with you ... You just got sucked into something and kept hoping that things would improve and he would be willing to commit. Some guys keep a girl around because she is "easy" and loves the the fact he get action easily w.o having to fully commit. I don't know your sexual history nor is it any of my business. So, now that you've realized his true intention, you can at least use this as fire / logic for you to move forward and move on. You will be able to find someone new ..being treated the way you are is making you fall for him / be challenged for the wrong reasons. You'll be able to find someone much more enjoyable to be with in the future...I promise you.
kenmore Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Hi Bella, The advice here is very good. You deserve a man who will want you exclusively, love you and really want to make it work, and he obviously ain't it. What drew me to your thread is the title. "thinking of him everyday". Even though my breakup is almost 6 months old now, I can't believe how much time my brain still spends thinking about my wife! I want it to stop, and spend more time on me. Things I need now to make my life work (like my job for instance?) If I don't consciously steer my thoughts in a particular direction, they automatically go right to her. I so often find myself thinking about something related to her and have to tell myself to stop it! My only consolation is I'll be willing to bet that she does the same. (See? I'm still thinking of her.) That obsession is the hardest part I think. It's what makes the pain so acute. The NC advice is the best, and if you can stand the idea, trying to meet someone else is the best. Nothing helps make one forget an ex like a new S.O. I'm really sorry for your pain and I hope you can heal before too long, but heal you will. You will find that if you go completely NC (don't just unfriend him on facebook, block him), it will get easier with time. Count yourself as blessed that you don't have any links like a child together or possessions in his care. You can make a clean break, and that's what you should do. Someday you will find a man worthy of your time and attention. Hugs! Ken
Rainbowlove Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Toxic. It's a toxic relationship. You are hoping to eventually get a different answer from him, but he keeps disappointing and hurting you. He doesn't love you. You love him. He will never reciprocate. That's clear. Stop any and all contact. That is the only way to heal and let go. Be strong. Love yourself enough to protect your heart. Give yourself time to move forward.
Author Bella1990 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 Dear all, First of all: WOW, what is this a nice forum! I've been on forums before, but the reactions here are just heartwarming. You are lovely people. I unfollowed him on facebook, for a while now. But still I have him as a 'friend'. I know, this stupid social media.... Ok. This sounds just horrible, but I'm afraid that - If I remove him fully, he 'll see it as a 'oh she is still upset'. And I don't wanna give him this feeling. He is already really, but then really, full of himself. Kenmore, At the moment I'm a bit done with men. Ok, when I meet someone 'wauw!' of course I'm open for it, but I'm not looking for it. I'm a bit.. damaged is a bit rough to say, let's say scared of this experience. I had heartbreaks before, but this one really got me into controlling my thoughts and life. I feel so fooled.. I got this 'wow, this is HIM' feeling in the beginning. I hope you will feel better soon! Think a bit less about her. And you know what? It will get better. There will be a day you didn't think of her a lot. And that day you should feel proud; you're going the good way. Keep up and hold on! Lauri, We went a bit fast, I admit that, I just thought it felt right, was good to be true, it was just... amazing (in the beginning). That I hurted my head to a wall later was just a slap in the face. I learned my lesson, though my thoughts go from east to west sometimes. Thank you for your lovely advice and especially for saying 'there is nothing wrong with your'. It's funny how a mind works sometimes. Rainbowlove, Toxic it is. I'm angry at myself that I still care, still love him, and still spend time in my mind on him. It's toxic, yes. I guess time is the only solution.
Light Breeze Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 I unfollowed him on facebook, for a while now. But still I have him as a 'friend'. I know, this stupid social media.... Ok. This sounds just horrible, but I'm afraid that - If I remove him fully, he 'll see it as a 'oh she is still upset'. And I don't wanna give him this feeling. He is already really, but then really, full of himself What he thinks about you doesn't concern you anymore, he's dead to you now. He could think what he likes but he can't do anything about it. It's time to think about what YOU think about yourself. You have to block or unfriend, that's the only way to cut all lines of communication with him. Further, it would significantly lower the temptation to look at his page. You have to cut all stimuli related to this heartbreak in order to move forward. Stay strong, you can do this.
Author Bella1990 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 I hope I can do this. Still... I hope he misses me, and admit he made a mistake. I gave him 2 chances, he slept already with someone else and I should be angry and forget about him. Though, he was everything I looked for. I just don't understand. He told me the sweetest thing, the best promises for the future. It was all a lie. Today he texted me again. And you know what's crazy? My heart jump then, I don't reply, but my heart jumps. I hope he texts me and at the same time I don't want it. It's just hurts to much. The things he text are 'funny'. I should think it's funny. But now I'm more like; why are you doing this? What does he want from me? He doesn't deserve me, does he? If I reply I'm a complete loser no? It just f hurts for months already. I'm sorry for bothering this topic again, he just spooks in my mind. I just want to be happy again.
kenmore Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 I gave him 2 chances, he slept already with someone else and I should be angry and forget about him. Enough said! Once he slept with someone else, he put a nail in the coffin. And yes, it does hurt so much. I know you are in huge amounts of pain. I know how it feels. Most of us do. I wish you peace Bella, you know what you have to do. Ken
Itspointless Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 Today he texted me again. And you know what's crazy? My heart jump then, I don't reply, but my heart jumps. I hope he texts me and at the same time I don't want it. It's just hurts to much. Sometimes we need to break away as the paths we walk become circles ingrained deeper and deeper into the ground the longer we walk on them. It makes it harder to choose alternative routes, but we can by trying to reroute our thoughts the moment we recognize that path again. Recognize your reality and feel the pain it is causing you. What does he want from me? He doesn't deserve me, does he? If I reply I'm a complete loser no? It just f hurts for months already. In honesty, I think you have become an habit to him (you are convenient) and a major ego-boost. No you are not a loser when you reply, but in the end you hurt yourself doing it as it keeps your attachment to him alive. Walking away from what your heart wants the most (someone we love) is one of the hardest things we have to deal with in life.
Author Bella1990 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 Enough said! Once he slept with someone else, he put a nail in the coffin. And yes, it does hurt so much. I know you are in huge amounts of pain. I know how it feels. Most of us do. I wish you peace Bella, you know what you have to do. Ken This made me cry. You're so nice, thank you. Update: I got a long message from him on my facebook after ignoring him. Saying me he misses the fun and if I wanna meet up as friends. He also says; I understand if you don't want, i had enough chances. Ha, someone got finally braines here! Anyway... reply with; it's also to late for friendship, or just leave it, cry for a while more and kick myself up and continue my life.
kenmore Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Anyway... reply with; it's also to late for friendship, or just leave it, cry for a while more and kick myself up and continue my life. Hugs Bella! The difference between what I see here so often (and just read from you) and what I have been getting is so stark, I have to mention it. After you gave him many chances and you're at wits end, you say too late, leave it. My wife says things like that out of the blue. For example, I told her I got the divorce papers and she thanked me for telling her, then asked me to please hurry, sign them and return them; to which I replied "don't rush me, I'm going to consult with an attorney first." She then went on to tell me how she deserves to be free of my debt immediately because I'm still on her medical insurance and I owe her. She followed up with "don't waste your money, it's a simple divorce, just move on." The hurtfulness of it makes me wonder if she even realizes how painful it is to hear things like that. Just move on? Why didn't I think of that? You tried Bella, you only said it as a last resort to preserve your own heart. Not as an offensive weapon. And on the heels or her telling me just last week that she's not even sure she wants a divorce! Sorry to get off-topic, but what you said sent me into this rant. You did the right thing Bella, take comfort in that. I hope you feel good about yourself, because you should! Ken
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