Question for mow

[jnel921]

Yes, I am married. And I can say without a doubt, during the affair, I absolutely did get the very best parts of my AP, not his wife. For sure. I'd stake every dime I have on it.

 

Best parts are not in the bedroom. If that was the best part YOU got then you were duped and should ask for your money back.

 

The best part of my WH was me. He forgot that when he had his A. He was lucky that I stayed with his a$$ after all that he put me through. He didn't want to commit to the OW either. He only wanted to hit it and leave. Like most cheaters.

 

But if you asked him that question today....for sure the answer would be ME.

[Mal78]

So you didn't have the sex life you are saying you did. You had sex, sure, but not meaningful sex.

 

 

 

If he told you after an old email was found, he didn't confess... he was caught. If it weren't for the email, you wouldn't know.

 

And if the affair didn't mean anything and was that well-worn path and "why not?," why would he have the emails a year later? That makes no sense...

 

 

 

So again, it's about the socio economocs of you vs her and your needing to keep it, the material things, away from her, her 4 kids, and her "messes."

 

No mention of him. Just what he has earned, that you have as a result, and how you need to keep that from her.

 

Interesting.

 

Again, was this put up as one of the reasons that led him to an affair? You said earlier he was tired of being the breadwinner and you are a SAHM, and again the focus on you haves vs others have nots. For a guy who is tired of that burden of being the only earner, that can be a huge issue.

 

VERY well put. Perhaps his admiration that she was the main breadwinner might have been part of the allure. Of course being a SAHM has value but not everyone wants that status and some H grow to resent it especially if they feel they are pulling all the financial weight. It seems they both had a mutual understanding of what that felt like. That might have helped in developing a kindred spirit. Who knows.

 

I guess it would be up to anyone to decide what the "best parts" would be. To some the best parts would be the passion, the desire, the fulfilled fantasies, the laughs, the authentic self, the sex...ect To others it could be taking out the garbage, paying the bills, playing with the kids, fixing the broken faucet, going on a date... sex... so it's hard to argue who got the best out of the BS. But the fact that he is betraying his spouse shows the BS isn't getting the best wherever he is.

[Doublegold]

I keep coming back to the OP's main question:

 

If you know he isn't going to leave his marriage why stay in an affair with a MM?

 

Midwest missy what makes you assume that any/every OW/OM married or not wants the WS to leave the marriage?

[CALOVELY]

"If your mm told you he had no intention of leaving his wife, why did you stay in the affair?"

 

I think the answer to this is wide and varied. Some want an escape from their own marriage, if for a brief time. Many want excitement or to be desired. Others want more sex or varied sex. Some do it for the danger element of it. Several do it because they are looking for a new partner and hope they can change their MM's mind.

 

I am very sorry you are hurting. There are no winners in affairs.

 

I will gently say this to some posters here, have compassion. This woman has had her entire life turned upside down and her hurt and anger is understandable. Her lashing out with the words she did about the OW is part of the many stages of grief. She does not have an obligation to take the high road on her feelings.

[goodyblue]

VERY well put. Perhaps his admiration that she was the main breadwinner might have been part of the allure. Of course being a SAHM has value but not everyone wants that status and some H grow to resent it especially if they feel they are pulling all the financial weight. It seems they both had a mutual understanding of what that felt like. That might have helped in developing a kindred spirit. Who knows.

 

I guess it would be up to anyone to decide what the "best parts" would be. To some the best parts would be the passion, the desire, the fulfilled fantasies, the laughs, the authentic self, the sex...ect To others it could be taking out the garbage, paying the bills, playing with the kids, fixing the broken faucet, going on a date... sex... so it's hard to argue who got the best out of the BS. But the fact that he is betraying his spouse shows the BS isn't getting the best wherever he is.

 

I.think when you talk about getting.the best of someone it is definitely relative. The probkem comes when the two people in the marriage differ on what they think the best is. That is where feeling neglected comes in. My guy was so neglected in his M that when our A began he was like a kid in a candy store with me. Hell, he still is like that years later.

 

OP the truth is, we all understand that you are in pain, we really do, even we who are or were once OW. But when you post in a forum for support of OW what a horrible thing it is they do, you are going to get unkind responses. The truth is, there are some OW on this forum that are just in it for the sex, but mostly these OW are in love with their MM. Enough in love to put up with being the OW. Some say it is low self worth thst keeps them but mostly it is the profound love that we feel. When things end it is usually awful and horrible to recover from.

 

As for the financial aspect, i ran my own business and raised six kids on my own, but i did not make even a third what my guy makes. I am certain his ex thinks i stole her life. In a way i did, because i am reaping the benefits of his hard work his whole life and the reason is he did not want to live the rest of his life in what he deemed an unlivable situation. She thought these would be the years they would travel, relax, enjoy life. Instead he moved a woman 7 years his junior, with her gaggle of small children, across the country and began an entire new family. All because he needed more than she gave.

 

So, some of the things that upset you were exactly what we did. I can see why you would be upset. But please dont come to the OW forum and pop off about how we are the bad ones. I am certainly no 'sniveling minion', nor are most of the OW here. Next time you want to complain, do it about your OW specifically and don't try to school we OW (current or former). You must be able to see why we think the way your H treated both you and OW was deplorable.

 

I certainly hope you find your way through this okay. It is a crappy situation.

[still_an_Angel]

If your mm told you he had no intention of leaving his wife, why did you stay in the affair? I'm the betrayed wife - while the affair was on, my husband wined and dined me, took me to romantic hotel overnights, told me how wonderful I was, we had a lot of sex. We had a stressful period, but after 25 yrs together, I thought it was a blip, not another woman. I have no idea what he told the mow about our marriage, but I saw emails he sent to her that said he was never Leaving me for her. Yes it was a sexual affair for 6 mos, he ended it, continued to be her boss, and eventually fired her. I found out several months later, and contacted her husband (who had been her ap during her 1st marriage). We are all over 40, a bunch of kids between us, a lot of damage caused, teenagers furious, etc. I did not know her personally, saw her once or twice, but man, she wrote a ton of emails, texted him in the middle of the night after the affair ended, and essentially blew the lid off everything by typing away thus losing her job. Not. Bright.

 

I'm not here to throw rocks, Im just trying to understand why a married woman would stay in an affair with someone who wasn't going to leave his wife. I understand those words and his actions conflicted. He told me she agreed with everything she said and told him he was awesome even though he was a cheater (def wouldn't heard that from me) He thinks she wanted my life, as she was the breadwinner (fired, financially very screwed right now), 4 Kids, middle class lifestyle. I'm a sahm, volunteer, well-educated, I consult in high end fashion, nice life, she looks like she shops at a strip mall, a lot if cargo pants and fleece, is very coarse mannered and crass (white trashy, like girls I grew up with) and is older than I am. He never wanted to be seen in public with her alone, he's a very successful executive. We've been together since we were teens and built an enviable life together from nothing.

 

I'll never understand what he got from her other than she was adept at the oral side of things, but I'm just curious what she got from him. Pretty sure her h wasn't getting the oral side every day like she promised my h, lol, he was working and taking care of 4 kids like I was. She had sex with my h and he signed her cheques - he was basically her john, clients called and rejoiced when she was let go. Gawd writing this out makes it sound so ridiculous.

 

Thanks in advance for your thoughts on this. happy new year - I wish all of you a life of authenticity - be true to who you want to be, it matters more as you pass 40+.

 

 

 

And this will be the reason why you will never get a decent answer out of the OWs, the way you trash her really shows your "high education" and finesse.

 

 

Bottom line, your wonderful H chose to have an A with her and betrayed your "wonderful marriage" despite her middle-class life.

[Baby123]

You seem to have a level of contempt for women that work- well I have news for you, I have a full time global career, and my mm divorced his bs SAHM for me - not every man wants a home marker- my MM wanted a career girl- somebody who was a match for him in terms of ambition and drive.

 

It does not matter how much your husband worked for what he has- he has broken the law - any contract is out of the window when a boss sleeps with an employee and fires her (as the grounds he fired her on will look like a cover up for the real reason - which was his A). It is unfair dismissal.

 

You seem a lot like the BS in my situation, constantly bragging and showing of, thinking no1 could compete with you, when in reality she was nothing special at all and MM found her repulsive. She constantly bragged and boasted about the things they had- all the time he resented her and was just waiting for the kids to grow to leave- but then he met me and left earlier.

 

You being cheated on does not give you the right to believe a woman should loose her job like this while the man remains stable- you seem like a very conceited unfeeling person- and your husband sounds like he is very well suited where he is.

Edited January 2, 2015 by Baby123

[LifesontheUp]

Midwestmissy,

 

I feel for you, I really do. I'm not going to comment about what you wrote about the OW as I really don't think that is the crux of the issue.

 

I get your anger at the OW, but where is your anger at your husband? He is the one that married you and I assume promised to remain faithful to you - but did not.

 

My xH told me some similar stuff your husband has told you about the OW. But what does it really matter? The issue is why your husband had an affair and what he is doing to get to the bottom of it and fix it.

 

What you are going through is certainly a roller coaster of emotions. Not sure if you are in counselling. If not, I would suggest that both you and your husband get that sorted quickly.

 

Take care of you and the kids.

[Midwestmissy]

I'm going to sign off after this post - no need to try to defend myself over things I haven't said - if you're happy being an ow, so be it, but I loved my h and I loved being married, and when things got rough, I didn't cheat. He had issues and looked for answers where there were none. If one is unhappy or unfulfilled in his/her marriage, walk out the door, leave, don't cheat. I addressed one question, which some of you answered, thank you. It seems that friendship, companionship and sex are what folks get. The first 2 are what my h was not giving at home during his a. I don't blame the ow for what happened, nor do I judge working women - i judge her, period. And I'm entitled to do so. Same as you all are entitled to call me out for being elitist, whatever. We're all hiding behind screens. His screwing up and hurting me was not the point of my question, I wouldn't address that on an ow forum anyway, Im not looking for compassion from strangers.

 

If she was so wonderful he would still be with her. He thought it would be buried, but lies find a way out. He's groveling like a baby, ashamed and embarrassed. My kids are mortified. The fallout has been difficult. What happens in your lives is your business, I only wanted feedback on one issue, I didn't make sweeping judgements about all ow/om, sahms, working women. it was one question.

[goodyblue]

I'm going to sign off after this post - no need to try to defend myself over things I haven't said - if you're happy being an ow, so be it, but I loved my h and I loved being married, and when things got rough, I didn't cheat. He had issues and looked for answers where there were none. If one is unhappy or unfulfilled in his/her marriage, walk out the door, leave, don't cheat. I addressed one question, which some of you answered, thank you. It seems that friendship, companionship and sex are what folks get. The first 2 are what my h was not giving at home during his a. I don't blame the ow for what happened, nor do I judge working women - i judge her, period. And I'm entitled to do so. Same as you all are entitled to call me out for being elitist, whatever. We're all hiding behind screens. His screwing up and hurting me was not the point of my question, I wouldn't address that on an ow forum anyway, Im not looking for compassion from strangers.

 

If she was so wonderful he would still be with her. He thought it would be buried, but lies find a way out. He's groveling like a baby, ashamed and embarrassed. My kids are mortified. The fallout has been difficult. What happens in your lives is your business, I only wanted feedback on one issue, I didn't make sweeping judgements about all ow/om, sahms, working women. it was one question.

 

As I said, you will take him back, someone who cheated on you. So the real question shouldn't be why would OW stay with someone who was never leaving, it should be about why you would stay.

 

I hope things turn out well for you. Good luck.

[Baby123]

I'm going to sign off after this post - no need to try to defend myself over things I haven't said - if you're happy being an ow, so be it, but I loved my h and I loved being married, and when things got rough, I didn't cheat. He had issues and looked for answers where there were none. If one is unhappy or unfulfilled in his/her marriage, walk out the door, leave, don't cheat. I addressed one question, which some of you answered, thank you. It seems that friendship, companionship and sex are what folks get. The first 2 are what my h was not giving at home during his a. I don't blame the ow for what happened, nor do I judge working women - i judge her, period. And I'm entitled to do so. Same as you all are entitled to call me out for being elitist, whatever. We're all hiding behind screens. His screwing up and hurting me was not the point of my question, I wouldn't address that on an ow forum anyway, Im not looking for compassion from strangers.

 

If she was so wonderful he would still be with her. He thought it would be buried, but lies find a way out. He's groveling like a baby, ashamed and embarrassed. My kids are mortified. The fallout has been difficult. What happens in your lives is your business, I only wanted feedback on one issue, I didn't make sweeping judgements about all ow/om, sahms, working women. it was one question.

 

From your very first post and throughout your posts you spoke about her jealousy of your situation and her working situation/ compared to yours. You were the one who on numerous occasions mentioned she was fired and how your husband is entitled to fire her because he's worked hard for what he has and was more powerful then her. You mocked her for being a breadwinner who lost her job and now has mouths to feed.

 

You and your husband sound malicious. Yes you are angry, your husband cheated but why not focus on your reconciliation then making check lists of what you have versus what the other woman has and her motivations.

 

Yes you asked one question but it was encapsulated by point scoring. Good luck.

[purplesorrow]

As I said, you will take him back, someone who cheated on you. So the real question shouldn't be why would OW stay with someone who was never leaving, it should be about why you would stay.

 

I hope things turn out well for you. Good luck.

 

Why so much judgement when a person tries to salvage their life and family after such a betrayal? Some ow help mess up a person's life and then ridicule her for trying to fix it. Why?

[Redheaded Mistress]

You are totally twisting her words. She didn't say it wasn't meaningful sex.

 

 

She was talking about his disconnect, not herself. That he was distant, maybe 'somewhere else'.

 

I sense that you're trying to blame her for her husband cheating on her as I read the rest of your reply.

 

Blame her for his cheating? No. Examine what she may have done to contribute to an unsatisfactory marriage that would have led him to cheat or made cheating attractive? Sure. When one cheats, thy know they do so at the risk of ruining their marraige. So the logical question would be why he'd choose the affair over the marriage and if there is something she can do, change, or consider that would help salvage the relationship.

 

And if he's detached from sex, I say again the bragging that she has vacations she's whisked away on and regular great sex wouldn't be true. They may be having regular sex, but not regular meaningful sex. Though again if he's detached from sex like she is now saying, I wonder again why her first fear was about the money...

[Redheaded Mistress]

Best parts are not in the bedroom. If that was the best part YOU got then you were duped and should ask for your money back.

 

I didn't say they were.

 

The best part of my WH was me. He forgot that when he had his A. He was lucky that I stayed with his a$$ after all that he put me through. He didn't want to commit to the OW either. He only wanted to hit it and leave. Like most cheaters.

 

With all due respect, if somebody is keen on cheating, even if it is just for the sex, they're not likely to think the best part of their marriage is their spouse. By actively having an affair, they choose somebody else over their spouse and marriage. They rather have somebody elde than their spouse. Every time they cross a line, they may as well say "I want you more than my marriage." Ultimately, the final choice might be the spouse, but every choice before it was affair over marriage.

 

And I can say without a doubt that in our situation, nobody would have said the spouse was the best part of marriage. Or if we did, it would more explain why we had an affair as we both were extremely unsatisfied in our marriages and spouses. If that was the best part, it did more to explain why we'd have an affair than not.

 

During the affair, I got the best parts, his wife certainly did not.

 

But if you asked him that question today....for sure the answer would be ME.

 

Because as a guy who we assume is being faithful, that is what you need to say to get back on track. During the affair, I doubt he felt that way.

[goodyblue]

Why so much judgement when a person tries to salvage their life and family after such a betrayal? Some ow help mess up a person's life and then ridicule her for trying to fix it. Why?

 

You misunderstand. I don't judge ger except to say she is focused on the wrong thing. She has put her husband on a pedestal (even if she denies it) and has ripped to shreds the OW. I understand her distain for her OW but find it unfortunate that she will not look at his failings or the failure of the marriage.

[purplesorrow]

Thank you for clarifying. Happy new year.

[goodyblue]

Happy New Year to you as well.

[oldshirt]

 

 

I'm not here to throw rocks, Im just trying to understand why a married woman would stay in an affair with someone who wasn't going to leave his wife.

 

 

 

 

I'll never understand what he got from her other than she was adept at the oral side of things, but I'm just curious what she got from him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here are a couple pages out of the Female Infidelity 101 textbook.

 

- women will leave their husbands for the OM if the OM is clearly "better" in all categories than her H (keeping in mind that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and one woman's frog is another ones Prince)

 

- women will stay with their H and cheat if the OM excels at one quality that her H is lacking.

 

 

In your case the fact that your H was high-status provider and a leader in his profession while hers was not even the primary breadwinner was all it took.

 

The reason she stayed and accepted being a side piece was her H was probably better at some other traits and behaviors that were important to her so she stayed with him and sucked your H's dck on the side.

 

She covered her bases with two men rather than trying to cover them all with one man.

 

Your H may have been well to do but he likely sucked at some other traits that were important to her.

[Sub]

No. You missed the point. If a wife treats her husband or his penis like it is a chore or that it is gross it WILL impact self esteem and likely the relationship.

 

Ask around

 

I don't need to ask around. My W f*cked another guy for 8 months. I'm a 39-year old man with a lot of male friends, male cousins and a brother who cheated on his W. I'm well-versed in the married man's self esteem. My point is that if one - potentially of many - aspect of a couple's sex life affects a man's self-esteem, there are much deeper issues within that individual.

[violet1]

Blame her for his cheating? No. Examine what she may have done to contribute to an unsatisfactory marriage that would have led him to cheat or made cheating attractive? Sure. When one cheats, thy know they do so at the risk of ruining their marraige. So the logical question would be why he'd choose the affair over the marriage and if there is something she can do, change, or consider that would help salvage the relationship.

 

And if he's detached from sex, I say again the bragging that she has vacations she's whisked away on and regular great sex wouldn't be true. They may be having regular sex, but not regular meaningful sex. Though again if he's detached from sex like she is now saying, I wonder again why her first fear was about the money...

Wow! To say that all people cheat only because the marriage is lacking something is just wrong. In my case, I cheated because my marriage was in a horrible state and I had VERY poor coping skills, conflict avoidant, not happy with myself, etc. Some people cheat simply because of opportunity and because they can. It's not necessarily because the marriage is bad. Remember a high number of cheaters don't believe they will ever be caught. A lot of them automatically assume the spouse will forgive them if they get caught as well.

 

 

With his job title being a position of power, he probably liked his ego stroked. I highly doubt it was a direct result of his marriage. I read a study years ago that people with high power positions are more prone to cheat. Of course this does NOT everyone. I just had to throw that out before I get slammed with I'm in a high power position and I never cheated, etc. Whether it's true or not, I'm not sure, but I do wonder...

[Redheaded Mistress]

Wow! To say that all people cheat only because the marriage is lacking something is just wrong.

 

I didn't say that. Maybe the marriage is lacking, maybe they're unhappy, maybe they like what they see in their AP better than their spouse, maybe they hate their spouse and want to get out and away, maybe they just like lots of random sex... Who knows? Ultimately, if somebody is cheating, there's a reason for the cheating and I'm asking if that was explored.

 

In my case, I cheated because my marriage was in a horrible state and I had VERY poor coping skills, conflict avoidant, not happy with myself, etc. Some people cheat simply because of opportunity and because they can. It's not necessarily because the marriage is bad. Remember a high number of cheaters don't believe they will ever be caught. A lot of them automatically assume the spouse will forgive them if they get caught as well.

 

And even in your case, you say you cheated because your marriage was in a horrible place... So...

 

I'm one of those people who says that happily married people don't cheat. If you're happy with yourself in your marriage, your spouse, or your marriage, you aren't having an affair. Even if you're cheating simply out of "opportunity," the underlying message is that opportunity is attractive because it has something your marriage doesn't.

 

Do ALL people ONLY cheat because their marriage is lacking? No. But if somebody is having an affair, something is not right somewhere in the marriage or that person is feeling unsatisfied or unhappy with their role in the marriage.

 

I've never bought the AP/OM/OW rationale that says "I had an affair even though I just love my spouse and marriage soooooo much." It's contradictory. Like saying you love your car so much, you drove it off a cliff. People who love and respect their spouses treat them with love and respect. An affair is the opposite of both love and respect for your partner. God bless anybody who buys that line, but I just am not biting. Maybe the affair made someone realize their love of their spouse, maybe getting caught makes them realize they want to be married to their spouse, maybe the threat of losing their marriage scared them enough to fight to keep it, but I highly doubt as anybody flops into bed with their AP, the thought in their mind while having sex is "gosh, I love my spouse so much and I've got the perfect marriage."

 

My original question was if she'd examined why he's unhappy, if it has to do with actions she can control, and if she wants to address them or they can be addressed at all.

 

With his job title being a position of power, he probably liked his ego stroked. I highly doubt it was a direct result of his marriage. I read a study years ago that people with high power positions are more prone to cheat. Of course this does NOT everyone. I just had to throw that out before I get slammed with I'm in a high power position and I never cheated, etc. Whether it's true or not, I'm not sure, but I do wonder...

 

The OP said that of the three things she thinks make up a marriage, friendship, companionship, and sex, their marriage was missing the first two. Missing that in a marriage could actually be a direct reason for having an affair. A marriage devoid of friendship and companionship is a marriage that's definitely missing some pretty important, key things that would make an affair super attractive.

 

Even if the only reason he cheated was because he loved his wife and marriage so much that he couldn't help but sleep with somebody else for a year because of the ego boost, it's still a statement that the ego boost she provides is more or better or different (but more enticing) than what he's getting at home. The need to have that filled by her was an acceptable and attractive risk vs the potential loss of his wife and marriage.

 

It also means that I hope she's smart enough to see a lawyer and sue since it means both their relationship and her termination was all a power play to fuel his God complex, that same complex also being what got her fired.

[Broom]

Some posts in here are being too harsh towards OP.

 

Sounds to be like the digs @ OW are coming from her own self-esteem being diminished. The tone in the posts and description of the OW's appearance & attire comes off in a, "you cheated on ME with THAT..." kind of manner.

 

As if to say, at least he could have found someone that the OP could have been able to understand the temptation. Not that it excuses her H actions or makes it any better.

 

But, no question, her self-esteem is rocked that he could venture out for something that SHE deems so nether and less than.

 

That has to hurt, I suppose.

[Midwestmissy]

Whoa, you didn't carefully read what I wrote at all. One of the posters said she thought perhaps an ow gets companionship, friendship and sex. I appreciated that answer. I do not believe those components make up a marriage, nor did the poster say that. She thought those constituted the pay offs of the affair. What I said was during the affair, my idiot h stopped giving the first 2 to our marriage.

 

Relationships ebb and flow, and people of character don't cheat when things are a bit tough. He did get an ego stroke from his ow for cheating. Being told you're awesome while cheating and lying doesn't show her deep understanding of him as a man, they both only wanted what they wanted. That kind of ego boost isn't very satisfying in the long term, or at least it wasn't to my h, it was junk food. What's lacking in his character is a different post, and frankly he won't be moving home unless he digs deep because his behavior and lack of respect for me and the family is not acceptable and abusive and gross. He's responsible for my pain and he found an equally willing and equally messed up mow. What was lacking in our marriage was my husband when he stepped out. But for all that was missing, I didn't cheat.

[Midwestmissy]

Yes broom, it's a head scratcher. You summed it up well.

[Spectre]

It's pretty disturbing to see various posters non-chalantly talking about cheating on their spouses.