How to find light again and move on after being cheated on?

[Sandrino]

My first ex girlfriend cheated on me with her ex boyfriend. He was always an issue within our relationship, but i ignored all the red flags because i loved her too much. Then she cheated. I am now a month in of No Contact.

 

I am currently at the state of mind where i cannot trust anyone. I knows shes probably out moving on with another guy, but i just cant seem to do that. Why? Why cant i move on like she did? I'm so hurt and broken, i don't know what to do. I cant date anyone right now. I just dont want to. She hurt me terribly and i feel like i can never love anyone like i loved her again. I am afraid that if i go into another relationship, i'll have this constant fear of cheating.

 

I just want to love someone and be with them for the rest of my life. But i've heard alot of things about this generation, and many friends and family members having issues with marriages. I feel like people in my generation, are just incapable of loving one person. They eventually will cheat, or get bored. I dont want that, and knowing me, i would never cheat on the love of my life.

 

I feel like maybe since everyone else is cheating, why not i? Maybe i should change my ways, because people obviously arent capable of sustaining a relationship anymore.

 

I miss my ex girlfriend so much and im embarrassed to say i miss a person that has cheated on me and has no care for me. I'm made fun of because of this. Why love and care for someone that treated me so bad? I dont know. I wish i didnt. I sit at home, at work, anywhere, and think about her all the time, while shes probably out with someone and not thinking anything of me.

 

How do i cope with the fact that shes moving on and im not? I feel all alone.

[Satu]

It's not true that everybody cheats. It's not even true that most people cheat.

 

"Why can't i move on like she did?"

 

Because you're not ready yet.

 

"I can't date anyone right now."

 

Again, thats because you're not ready yet.

 

"I feel like people in my generation, are just incapable of loving one person. They eventually will cheat, or get bored."

 

Thats not true. The majority of people don't cheat.

 

"I feel like maybe since everyone else is cheating, why not i?"

 

Because its not in your nature, and you don't want to. Thats a good thing.

 

"How do i cope with the fact that she's moving on and I'm not?"

 

It doesn't matter what she does. It matters what you do.

 

Don't judge yourself harshly because you're in pain.

 

 

 

Here is some general advice that might or might not be useful:

 

1. You're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

 

5. Tell yourself that you can and will love again.

 

6. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

 

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media. Thats not easy, but it helps.

 

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

11. Post here as often as you want to. People here want to help.

[Sandrino]

It's not true that everybody cheats. It's not even true that most people cheat.

 

"Why can't i move on like she did?"

 

Because you're not ready yet.

 

"I can't date anyone right now."

 

Again, thats because you're not ready yet.

 

"I feel like people in my generation, are just incapable of loving one person. They eventually will cheat, or get bored."

 

Thats not true. The majority of people don't cheat.

 

"I feel like maybe since everyone else is cheating, why not i?"

 

Because its not in your nature, and you don't want to. Thats a good thing.

 

"How do i cope with the fact that she's moving on and I'm not?"

 

It doesn't matter what she does. It matters what you do.

 

Don't judge yourself harshly because you're in pain.

 

 

 

Here is some general advice that might or might not be useful:

 

1. You're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

 

5. Tell yourself that you can and will love again.

 

6. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

 

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media. Thats not easy, but it helps.

 

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

11. Post here as often as you want to. People here want to help.

 

I feel like im in utter defeat. Seems like she won. She came into my life, got me involved into hers, got what she wanted, and left. Now im completely heartbroken. She made me fall in love with her just to have a shoulder to cry on. Then she went back to her ex.

 

She approached me, and wanted me in the beginning. But then she cheats. Why? Once she cheated, i forgave her, we got back together, and i became clingy and scared all the time. Then she left me for supposedly being too clingy and annoying. Sorry, but she lost my trust. Right?

 

I just feel like a piece of meat. A used toy, a crutch, and nothing more. Right now, i feel like thats all i'll ever be good for.

[Gloria25]

I know rejection sucks, but IMO, don't waste energy and heartache on someone who doesn't deserve it.

 

From what you posted about her, she isn't worth being upset over.

 

I get upset when people I care about (i.e. family, close friends) have a falling out with me. Some person at work (pretty much an acquaintance) doesn't get the same attention.

[Satu]

 

I just feel like a piece of meat. A used toy, a crutch, and nothing more. Right now, i feel like thats all i'll ever be good for.

 

You are so much more than that. What you need more than anything is time. In time you will come out of the other side of this, and you will be stronger and ready to love again.

 

You are at a very painful point in the healing process, but you'll get through it.

 

Believe or not, despair is a normal reaction.

 

I went through hell and came out the other side.

 

So will you.

[AVarma]

The thing you have to understand is that people don't cheat because their SO is defective, they cheat because they are selfish and don't realize their thrill seeking is going to hurt their relationship. If they do realize it they just don't care. I've seen many people try to change themselves to be "good enough" for their SO and it practically never works.

 

Just realize that you're still awesome and don't let your SO's BS affect you.

[Sandrino]

The thing you have to understand is that people don't cheat because their SO is defective, they cheat because they are selfish and don't realize their thrill seeking is going to hurt their relationship. If they do realize it they just don't care. I've seen many people try to change themselves to be "good enough" for their SO and it practically never works.

 

Just realize that you're still awesome and don't let your SO's BS affect you.

 

I just hope i can love someone again. I feel like if i try again, i'll compare everything to my ex. I don't want to do that to anyone. The issue with her was that, so she couldn't help it, and went back to him. Well, she cheated on me with him, then went back to him.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Just time.

 

A lot more time than a month.

 

Delete all contact with her and don't budge. Don't even look at her pics online.

 

As far as finding someone who won't cheat, I think most people never cheat. And if you're still feeling doubtful, there's many people who can't cheat even if they wanted to! Maybe not so many women, but it's true.

[Sandrino]

Just time.

 

A lot more time than a month.

 

Delete all contact with her and don't budge. Don't even look at her pics online.

 

As far as finding someone who won't cheat, I think most people never cheat. And if you're still feeling doubtful, there's many people who can't cheat even if they wanted to! Maybe not so many women, but it's true.

 

I dont have any way to reach her. I blocked her on everything.

 

But, its going to take more time than a month? Many people have made fun of me because its taking this long. I have people saying im an idiot for even thinking about a person that hurt me so bad.

 

I feel like i shouldnt be thinking about her this much, but i do and i hate it. Shes probably not even thinking a thought about me..

 

But i loved her. I miss her so much, and one part of me hates her, but another part of me wants her back.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I dont have any way to reach her. I blocked her on everything.

 

But, its going to take more time than a month? Many people have made fun of me because its taking this long. I have people saying im an idiot for even thinking about a person that hurt me so bad.

 

I feel like i shouldnt be thinking about her this much, but i do and i hate it. Shes probably not even thinking a thought about me..

 

But i loved her. I miss her so much, and one part of me hates her, but another part of me wants her back.

 

It took me about 2 years to get over a female friend I fell for who I didn't even date. 2 years.

 

So, a month is nothing.

 

It'll take as long as it takes. Just wait it out and don't cave.

 

Just don't go banging her sister to get revenge or anything.

[Sandrino]

It took me about 2 years to get over a female friend I fell for who I didn't even date. 2 years.

 

So, a month is nothing.

 

It'll take as long as it takes. Just wait it out and don't cave.

 

Just don't go banging her sister to get revenge or anything.

 

So then how do i react when someone says "Oh my god, your still thinking about that bitch?"

 

Because i know i shouldnt be thinking about her, but i do.

[JuneJulySeptember]

So then how do i react when someone says "Oh my god, your still thinking about that bitch?"

 

Because i know i shouldnt be thinking about her, but i do.

 

Just don't tell anybody that you are thinking about her. Keep it to yourself and eventually it will go away.

 

If it makes you feel any better, in 10 or 20 years, when everybody is married and has kids, nobody will care at all that you are heartbroken over some woman.

[soyou]

5 years ago, I found out that my boyfriend of 3 years cheated on me a big time. I was hurt, heart broken. Similar to you, I had a lot of unanswered questions (why? Why me? Why did I let it happen? Whats wrong with me that he didnt want me? My pride was hurt. My dignity was crushed).

 

I was half living for 3-4 months. I lost a lot of weight and looked like a petson with anorexia. I looked horrible at that time.

 

I blocked and removed all of his contacts. Till these days I have never tried to be in contact with him. He did try to say sorry to me 2 years ago through an email but I never replied.

 

Every day when i woke up, I kept telling myself "things happen for a reason. Everyone needs to get hurt once in their life. I should be glad that it happens now when I'm still young and beautiful. A greater person, my right one, is waiting somewhere for me in the future. I just need to get over this, then my good life shall be beginning again"

 

Also, when I started looking at myself in the mirror, I hardly could recognise myself anymore. From a cheerful, good looking person I become old, dull, and ugly. It was a big wake up call to me.

 

So I started eating again, going to the gym, and taking good care of myself.

 

5 years looking back, I have to say I'm glad that this cheating thing happened. After this break up, my perspective in dating and in life have changed substantially in a positive way. I learn how to read the red flags in relationship. I learn who to trust and who I shouldnt. I learn how and when to let you. I learn not never let anybody step over me.

 

In these 5 years, I've dated 3 wonderful men ( relationships wise). Finished my master. Found my dream work. Got promoted 3 times iin row. Got to travel the world. Bought my own house. Have a lot of good friends. Expand my social networks.

 

So man up! Take your time to heal your wound. Dont let anybody laugh on your pain. It takes different sets of time for different people to move on. With me, it was 4 months but perhaps with you, it's 6 months. WHO CARES??

 

Please dont date anyone immediately. Heal yourself first. Be a healthy and happy man again before getting inolved with somebody.

 

Good luck!

[Sandrino]

5 years ago, I found out that my boyfriend of 3 years cheated on me a big time. I was hurt, heart broken. Similar to you, I had a lot of unanswered questions (why? Why me? Why did I let it happen? Whats wrong with me that he didnt want me? My pride was hurt. My dignity was crushed).

 

I was half living for 3-4 months. I lost a lot of weight and looked like a petson with anorexia. I looked horrible at that time.

 

I blocked and removed all of his contacts. Till these days I have never tried to be in contact with him. He did try to say sorry to me 2 years ago through an email but I never replied.

 

Every day when i woke up, I kept telling myself "things happen for a reason. Everyone needs to get hurt once in their life. I should be glad that it happens now when I'm still young and beautiful. A greater person, my right one, is waiting somewhere for me in the future. I just need to get over this, then my good life shall be beginning again"

 

Also, when I started looking at myself in the mirror, I hardly could recognise myself anymore. From a cheerful, good looking person I become old, dull, and ugly. It was a big wake up call to me.

 

So I started eating again, going to the gym, and taking good care of myself.

 

5 years looking back, I have to say I'm glad that this cheating thing happened. After this break up, my perspective in dating and in life have changed substantially in a positive way. I learn how to read the red flags in relationship. I learn who to trust and who I shouldnt. I learn how and when to let you. I learn not never let anybody step over me.

 

In these 5 years, I've dated 3 wonderful men ( relationships wise). Finished my master. Found my dream work. Got promoted 3 times iin row. Got to travel the world. Bought my own house. Have a lot of good friends. Expand my social networks.

 

So man up! Take your time to heal your wound. Dont let anybody laugh on your pain. It takes different sets of time for different people to move on. With me, it was 4 months but perhaps with you, it's 6 months. WHO CARES??

 

Please dont date anyone immediately. Heal yourself first. Be a healthy and happy man again before getting inolved with somebody.

 

Good luck!

 

The thing is with me is, i tell EVERYONE my problems. Everyone will know how hurt i am, and i talk about it alot. I hate doing this. But i cant help it. Everyone and their mother knows my ex cheated on me.

 

How do i just live with the pain rather than just telling everyone?

[Versacehottie]

of course they know you are hurt. it's totally normal to be hurt. a lot of people in their attempt to help say things that come off wrong. Like just get over her you idiot. They want you (in a good way) to be able to move past it. It's just their approach that's not great. I would limit who you talk to about it to one or two trusted friend who don't have these type of responses. If you change your pattern, ie not talking about it anymore, people will think you are slowly getting over it. And you will be.

 

I think when people tell you you're an idiot for still having feelings or not moving on quickly enough, it's another layer of hurt. You need to not see yourself in those terms nor let others derail your healing with insensitive (and inaccurate!!) wording. Protect yourself.

 

Btw, not an idiot at all for something she has done. Try to see yourself as the other side of the coin of a person who was open and hopeful about love and willing to work on things. Realize that every experience has taught you something to take to the next. Focus on yourself. If your mind gets away from you, acknowledge that is part of the process and then REFOCUS. Keep yourself busy. Good luck

[Sandrino]

of course they know you are hurt. it's totally normal to be hurt. a lot of people in their attempt to help say things that come off wrong. Like just get over her you idiot. They want you (in a good way) to be able to move past it. It's just their approach that's not great. I would limit who you talk to about it to one or two trusted friend who don't have these type of responses. If you change your pattern, ie not talking about it anymore, people will think you are slowly getting over it. And you will be.

 

I think when people tell you you're an idiot for still having feelings or not moving on quickly enough, it's another layer of hurt. You need to not see yourself in those terms nor let others derail your healing with insensitive (and inaccurate!!) wording. Protect yourself.

 

Btw, not an idiot at all for something she has done. Try to see yourself as the other side of the coin of a person who was open and hopeful about love and willing to work on things. Realize that every experience has taught you something to take to the next. Focus on yourself. If your mind gets away from you, acknowledge that is part of the process and then REFOCUS. Keep yourself busy. Good luck

 

I just feel like it would be a whole lot better if i had someone side by side with me, going through the same thing. That way we can both share our feelings all the time, and heal together. But it seems everyone around me is either in a happy relationship or not sad like me. I just wish i had constant reassurance that im not alone in this.

[Versacehottie]

well you are in pretty much the right place. i can't tell you how many times i have seen people on this site say how much it has helped them through a break up. Just go to that forum (break ups). You will be able to talk to a ton of people who are in the exact same position as you. Sometimes helping another person (ie in your support of others in similar positions as yourself) is the best medicine.

 

Bottom line if you compare yourself to people who are in "happy" relationships you are putting yourself at a disadvantage to feeling better. You can't think like that. Just think that yours in around the corner. P.S. I put "happy" relationships in quotes because what often seems happy on the surface is not what it really is. Coupled people will tell you all the time how envious they are of YOUR single life if you are enjoying it and making the best of it. Hang in there.

[kendahke]

I dont have any way to reach her. I blocked her on everything.

 

But, its going to take more time than a month? Many people have made fun of me because its taking this long. I have people saying im an idiot for even thinking about a person that hurt me so bad.

 

Those are people you need to excise from your life today. Anyone who loves you and cares about you would not call you an idiot for being in pain. Telling you to "walk it off" is them making your pain about them being inconvenienced and not about you or supporting you.

 

I feel like i shouldnt be thinking about her this much, but i do and i hate it. Shes probably not even thinking a thought about me..

 

But i loved her. I miss her so much, and one part of me hates her, but another part of me wants her back.

 

You're talking from a place of immense pain right now.

 

You know what? You will be able to love again. Right now, you are not over the pain of what happened. That needs to process out and unfortunately, that takes time. Once you are healed and whole again, your ex isn't going to enter into any future equations because YOU are not going to want to be treated the same way by someone else. You are not going to want to be forced to carry the baggage of someone else's boyfriend.

 

Yes, it takes time for wounds to heal, both physical and emotional. A broken leg doesn't mend itself in 3 days.

[kendahke]

I just feel like it would be a whole lot better if i had someone side by side with me, going through the same thing. That way we can both share our feelings all the time, and heal together. But it seems everyone around me is either in a happy relationship or not sad like me. I just wish i had constant reassurance that im not alone in this.

 

A good way to accomplish this is to frequent forums like this one. I've been on others where they have really helped people who were spinning out of control in pain.

 

You're not alone in this. There are plenty of people who are in the same predicament.

[Sandrino]

A good way to accomplish this is to frequent forums like this one. I've been on others where they have really helped people who were spinning out of control in pain.

 

You're not alone in this. There are plenty of people who are in the same predicament.

 

I wish it were easier to believe that. Im sure there are, but its just hard to believe right now..

[Sandrino]

Its getting harder each day to me. I still keep blaming myself, like maybe if i wasnt so attached, or maybe if i wasnt clingy.. But she cheated! After that it felt like i had to babysit her.

 

Someday i hope she changes. I hope i can see her again. But in another state of mind, i hope she never talks to me again, and i move on to someone better.

 

Its passed a month now since we've spoken. Im missing her more than i should right now. I see her every single day at work. Not her face, but her vehicle. It kills me.. There IS good in her. Part of me hopes that she was confused. But i know if she didnt want to hurt me, she wouldnt have made the decision..

 

I hate how my heart made me do this. I wish my brain could make the decision..

[justa_guy]

It's normal what you're going through, you need to stop blaming yourself, I've done the same, "what if I wasn't jealous and controlling?" "did I push her to cheat?"

 

No one is responsible for someone cheating except that person, your jealousy and insecurity was valid.

 

This isn't a healthy person, a healthy loving person would never have put you through this.

 

Either way if you want her back or if you want to find someone better you need to keep up the NC and every time you find yourself thinking of her, the past or future, pull yourself back into the present.

 

What I do is I tell myself a mantra when I have to drive past her house or my thoughts are out of control "I'm sorry, Forgive me, I Love you, Thank You." I say this to myself not her. You can read more on it here: Four Simple Phrases That Change Everything - Positive-Living-Now

 

You need to start validating yourself instead of validating a low self esteem through others.

 

There's nothing wrong with you. The fact she cheated is all on her.

[Sandrino]

Im very surprised she has lasted this long without calling me. She was the one to tell me to never talk to her again this time. Maybe she actually meant it. As many times as we broke up, and got back together, she was mostly always the one to call me first or beg for me back.

 

In the back of my head i hope she doesnt call me, because i know it will only bring me pain.

 

But in another part, i wish she did, and i hope she could change. I just hope that this time i will make the right decision on how to deal with her. I'm sure she'll call again, or contact me in some way.

 

I really miss her. I wish someone could tell me that it will work out with us, but then they would be lying. I just need to find a new girl, and get over her. But i just cant be with anyone right now, because i miss her too much. I feel weird because a guy should move on to another girl really quick, but i feel im gonna be this way for a while.

 

I've only slept with her and only her. I dont want anyone else right now.

[justa_guy]

Sounds like you have some Self Esteem issues to work on, I know this because I do to.

 

"I feel weird because a guy should move on to another girl really quick"

 

Not true, spend some time on yourself & loving yourself, you're trying to get validation through others, you need to validate yourself before you can have a healthy, boundary respecting, fulfilling relationship.

 

Once you become more self aware and self confident, you'll attract the same in a women and not tolerate these toxic women.

 

Check out online resources for self esteem, or go see a psych to talk things out if you feel you need to.

[Sandrino]

Sounds like you have some Self Esteem issues to work on, I know this because I do to.

 

"I feel weird because a guy should move on to another girl really quick"

 

Not true, spend some time on yourself & loving yourself, you're trying to get validation through others, you need to validate yourself before you can have a healthy, boundary respecting, fulfilling relationship.

 

Once you become more self aware and self confident, you'll attract the same in a women and not tolerate these toxic women.

 

Check out online resources for self esteem, or go see a psych to talk things out if you feel you need to.

 

I attracted her through self confidence and being funny. I put my heart and soul into her and now all of what attracted her went down the ****ter. I'm not sure if i'll get it back either.

 

Btw her mom came into my work yesterday to say hi. Messed me all up. Idk why she thinks its ok to do that. We arent friends, and she needs to be focusing on teaching her daughter not to be a slut. But you know what, i miss that slut.. Idk why. I hate missing someone i shouldnt..