ThreeYearsDumb Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 I recently broke up with the mother of my child. I was talking to my mom about the break up and things I have been going through lately. She has been someone I can talk to, about the only person I can call and know will listen. She said something kind of odd which was that if she knew I would be hurting this much later in life, she never would have had me. I'm not entirely sure what she meant by it and I'm not quite sure how to take it. She has been supportive and tells me that she still sees a bright future for me but I am at a time In my life where I need to make some progress. I am 33 and not where I thought or where I want to be. This is also a person who slapped me and told me she hopes I would never amount to anything in life, in an isolated incident so I'm confused. I always thought we had a good relationship, and I know some parents have done much, much worse, but how would you take it if you were told that?
loveboid Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 I would take as she is depressed, bitter, resentful, feels hurt and has made the horrible decision to hurt others. It's not your fault. I would forgive her, keep my emotional and physical distance, and love her from afar. I wonder what happened in her past to make her so negative. 1
Danda Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Okay just being a bit frank: It sounds like you rely on your mother to play therapist for you, and it also sounds like she's not emotionally/mentally up to the task. This is actually pretty common for PD parents, who tend to run hot/cold with their offspring, often acting very enmeshed and then suddenly pushing the offspring away in a very harsh manner. It's probably time for some healthy boundaries. If you need someone to listen and offer objective advice/support, then it's time to get an actual therapist, as in a professional. Your mother's words and behaviors sound unhealthy to me, for sure, but you are in charge of your life and it's time to stop reaching out knowing you're gonna get your hand bit at random. Focus on protecting and caring for you. 2
Author ThreeYearsDumb Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 Okay just being a bit frank: It sounds like you rely on your mother to play therapist for you, and it also sounds like she's not emotionally/mentally up to the task. This is actually pretty common for PD parents, who tend to run hot/cold with their offspring, often acting very enmeshed and then suddenly pushing the offspring away in a very harsh manner. It's probably time for some healthy boundaries. If you need someone to listen and offer objective advice/support, then it's time to get an actual therapist, as in a professional. Your mother's words and behaviors sound unhealthy to me, for sure, but you are in charge of your life and it's time to stop reaching out knowing you're gonna get your hand bit at random. Focus on protecting and caring for you. I understand and agree with what you said. I do have an actual therapist and she just chose a heck of a time if year to go on vacation herself. 1
Danda Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 I understand and agree with what you said. I do have an actual therapist and she just chose a heck of a time if year to go on vacation herself. No worries. Can take it as a lesson learned and remember this experience when you're tempted to reach out in the future. Undoing a lifetime of unhealthy conditioning doesn't happen over night, that's for sure, but just gotta keep working on it. 1
FitChick Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Was she also an unwed mother saddled with a child? If so you are reminding her of her poor choices. Where is your bio dad?
Author ThreeYearsDumb Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 The sad part is, she is my support system now. I've got no one else to talk to outside of my therapist. I've literally been counting the days until my next appointment, keeping endless notes, pages of notes of things I want to cover in a simple one hour session. After years of neglecting myself and others emotionally, my incapacity to reciprocate love, has left me completely devoid of the types of friendships that I need right now. I'm craving just the littlest bit of oersonal intimacy and have no resources. The people I would consider close friends I can go months or years without speaking to them, and we've never established the type of rapport and bond that I seek. Through counseling I've started seeking safe people to communicate with. Unfortunately the isolation exacerbates the absence of my Ex. There is no price I wouldn't pay to be able to share my life with her again. I've learned so much and wish I could have shared it with her when I had the chance.
Danda Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 The sad part is, she is my support system now. I've got no one else to talk to outside of my therapist. I've literally been counting the days until my next appointment, keeping endless notes, pages of notes of things I want to cover in a simple one hour session. After years of neglecting myself and others emotionally, my incapacity to reciprocate love, has left me completely devoid of the types of friendships that I need right now. I'm craving just the littlest bit of oersonal intimacy and have no resources. The people I would consider close friends I can go months or years without speaking to them, and we've never established the type of rapport and bond that I seek. Through counseling I've started seeking safe people to communicate with. Unfortunately the isolation exacerbates the absence of my Ex. There is no price I wouldn't pay to be able to share my life with her again. I've learned so much and wish I could have shared it with her when I had the chance. So the absence of your former lover makes you want to reach out to your mother more? Did she do the whole creepy emotional incest thing with you when you were growing up. Sometimes single moms who have mental/emotional health problems and a son, turn to their son as a sort of surrogate spouse for damn near everything but sex. You're already in therapy though and working on yourself, which is awesome. Just keep hanging in there, it will get better, promise.
Author ThreeYearsDumb Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 It's not that I want to reach out to her more, but she is just the only ear I have. But thanks for making it creepy
loveboid Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Reaching out to her is more like drinking seawater when you're stranded thirsty on a dingy. That's where you're at right now and I would keep being strong. You're doing so well now, I can see it with your self-reflection. An online support group of people going through the same thing might help you out a lot if you've not found one already.
salparadise Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Crisis hotlines are there for people going through difficult challenges. The National Crisis Call Center is at 1-800-273-8255. You do not have to be at risk of suicide to use these resources. The national hotline can probably give you a local/regional hotline number to use if you prefer. They have trained, empathetic people who care. It's not the same as therapy, but it can certainly help. 2
littleblackheart Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 I recently broke up with the mother of my child. I was talking to my mom about the break up and things I have been going through lately. She has been someone I can talk to, about the only person I can call and know will listen. She said something kind of odd which was that if she knew I would be hurting this much later in life, she never would have had me. I'm not entirely sure what she meant by it and I'm not quite sure how to take it. She has been supportive and tells me that she still sees a bright future for me but I am at a time In my life where I need to make some progress. I am 33 and not where I thought or where I want to be. This is also a person who slapped me and told me she hopes I would never amount to anything in life, in an isolated incident so I'm confused. I always thought we had a good relationship, and I know some parents have done much, much worse, but how would you take it if you were told that? You are hurting - understandably so. Your life has changed in the space of a short time, and naturally you are reassessing it. You have my thoughts. Away from all the psychology and the self-analysing and the reviewing of your entire relationship with your mother - and apologies in advance if this is off the mark - is there any chance at all that maybe she was trying to tell you in her own, awkward way that she feels your pain and would do anything to have spared or sheltered you from it, and that she feels powerless at seeing you going through this heartache? In any case, your child and your emotional heath are, perhaps now more than ever, your priority - good friends or an empathetic ear are only a phone call away. You'll deal with your relationship with your mother later, if needs be. For now, however difficult this seems to be, try and focus on you, for your child's sake and yours. Wishing you all the very best
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 I read it as she loves you, and cares for you, and she would do anything she could to take away your pain right now. I'm sure there've been times, especially when I was really sick or when I lost my Mother, that my Dad wished he could do something to spare me from the pain. It's really, really hard for a parent to see their child in so much pain, and when it was their decision that brought you into the world in the first place, a world that has wound up being full (temporarily or permanently) of pain, there's bound to be a little bit of guilt there. I'm sure that she doesn't mean she wishes you were never born. The part you said about how she thinks it's time you need to start making more progress really stood out to me. It sounds like she's worried about you not doing well in life, the equivalent of the parent who wants their kids to graduate with a 4.0, get a great job, find a wonderful spouse and give birth to healthy, beautiful children. There's nothing wrong with wanting that for your kids, but maybe your life has fallen to pieces or failed to launch so badly that she's starting to drop hints that she thinks you really need to get sorted out if you're to have a happy and successful life. Some might say that it's none of her business and it's your life to lead how you want to, and she needs to keep it to herself. But some might say if you're spending so much time talking to her intimately, confiding in her, then no wonder she has opinions on where your life should be going, and if you don't want her interference you should learn to detach and forge your own path without her as a crutch. It's the New Year. Which areas of your life do you think need the most work on? I often find it helpful to choose the three areas that need the most improvement... perhaps finances, quality of relationship with friends, or skills/job. And then choose three specific measurable things you can do each day or each week to improve upon them. I know it sounds too easy to be worthwhile in any way, but it sounds as though things aren't really working out for you at the moment on the whole... unless I've misinterpreted?
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