Managing tensions within a loving relationship

[SillySilly]

I'm wondering if anyone can share any advice on these few things. I love my girlfriend very much and I would like to discuss these things in terms of how to communicate well with her. I have every intention of staying with her, for the rest of my life if possible, but there are a few tensions that arise every so often. As I understand it, these tensions are pretty normal and what matters is how you deal with them. So I would appreciate advice on how to communicate well about these delicate subjects and how best to manage these tensions throughout our relationship. I know that she loves me also, and she is very committed to me. She is sweetly compassionate, thoughtful, forgiving and brings a lot to the relationship most of the time.

 

The first issue is that sometimes I feel it is hard to engage her. I will be very excited to see her before we get together, but often she will be very quiet and it's hard to get her involved in a conversation. It seems as though she's miles away. Then I begin to worry that perhaps I did something to upset her and ask her if she's ok, and understandably she gets a little annoyed if I keep asking this. It seems to be more of a problem when she's tired, but she is tired most of the time. It is also more of a problem when we see each other for short amounts of time, she is much more engaged when we hang out for extended periods. I'm not sure how to address this with her without being accusational, but it is causing me a good deal of internal struggle, and I'm not sure what's going on.

 

Related to this is the classic tension of introvert/extravert. I'm the former and she's the latter. We often go to parties together and I'll leave at midnight and she'll stay out til 3 and we'll meet back at her place. She seems fine with it, and I don't want to take her away from the joy she gets staying out talking to her friends (and her commitment to her friends is one of the things I like most about her). I have social anxiety and get exhausted by parties, so staying out til 3 is not an option for me. But I do feel pretty lonely going home by myself, and I find it hard to sleep waiting for her to get back. Does anyone else have a system like this? Is there a compromise that works better? Would it be better to compromise on the time and leave together?

 

And also related to the first is that it is hard to get her to talk about her feelings. She is aware of her reticence to do so and works on it which I very much appreciate. But as an introvert I thrive on intimacy and really get a lot of joy out of sharing my feelings and empathizing with others that I care about. She is doing her best and that's all that I can ask, so I guess my question here would be, what can I do from my end to deal with the feeling of isolation that sometimes arises when she has trouble voicing her feelings? Is there anything I can do to encourage her to share more, or to help her feel more comfortable addressing her feelings head-on?

 

I want to stress again that she is a truly wonderful and loyal friend, but since I want to stay with her for a long time I feel that it's important that we deal well with these tensions when they come up. So I am opening up this topic for discussion, and will be grateful for any advice that you can offer.

[Satu]

The first thing to realise that she is not making you feel the way you feel - you are making yourself feel the way that you feel. Your feelings are produced inside you, by your mind and body - mostly by your subconscious mind and your body.

 

You feel the way you feel because of who you are, and the experiences you have had in your life.

 

So what you need to do is own your feelings, and take responsibility for them. Trying to change your girlfriend's behaviour won't fix it. At best, it will help you to feel better for a short time, and then you'll be back where you started.

 

You need to change yourself, if you want to go forward.

 

You need to find and use some self-soothing methods to reduce your anxiety.

 

There are lots of effective things you can do.

 

When you are able to soothe your anxiety yourself, you will have taken a very big step forward in life and lots of things will be easier for you.

 

Here is a good place to start.

 

Good luck.

[SillySilly]

I have a daily meditation practice in place to manage my anxiety. I know that she is not causing me to feel this way. I am just wondering how I can talk about my feelings with her when I feel this conflict. I don't want to change her, but if I don't communicate my feelings they underlie my actions. How can I approach the situation so that I can express myself without asking her to change?

[tojaz]

Hi Silly, I think what you have already written here is a great start. Hard part is that it is always a lot easier to write it out here then to communicate face to face when emotions are at play. Taking to lives, two hearts, and two personalities and trying to combine them into one unit is always going to be an uphill battle at times regardless of how well the two of you fit. I'm actually in the midst of a very similar situation with my (now possibly ex after last night) significant other.

The first issue is that sometimes I feel it is hard to engage her. I will be very excited to see her before we get together, but often she will be very quiet and it's hard to get her involved in a conversation. It seems as though she's miles away. Then I begin to worry that perhaps I did something to upset her and ask her if she's ok, and understandably she gets a little annoyed if I keep asking this. It seems to be more of a problem when she's tired, but she is tired most of the time. It is also more of a problem when we see each other for short amounts of time, she is much more engaged when we hang out for extended periods. I'm not sure how to address this with her without being accusational, but it is causing me a good deal of internal struggle, and I'm not sure what's going on.

I think the hardest part of any relationship is learning not only how to communicate, but to accept each others styles of communication and learning to translate between the two. It takes some people longer to become engaged in a conversation, and some people are just not as verbal as others. It's also ok if she is distracted at times and may very well be miles away, let her be. If it becomes a theme of the relationship that can be a problem to talk to her about, but we can't always have peoples undivided attention all the time, there's always many facets of life that creep their ways in

 

Related to this is the classic tension of introvert/extravert. I'm the former and she's the latter. We often go to parties together and I'll leave at midnight and she'll stay out til 3 and we'll meet back at her place. She seems fine with it, and I don't want to take her away from the joy she gets staying out talking to her friends (and her commitment to her friends is one of the things I like most about her). I have social anxiety and get exhausted by parties, so staying out til 3 is not an option for me. But I do feel pretty lonely going home by myself, and I find it hard to sleep waiting for her to get back. Does anyone else have a system like this? Is there a compromise that works better? Would it be better to compromise on the time and leave together?

I think simple compromise is all that is needed, and respecting each others needs, if you go to a lot of parties, maybe switch off on who sets the pace for the evening, if she agrees to call it a night early every once in awhile, it makes it a lot easier to accept the nights that she wants to stay out until dawn. It's a fair compromise that plays to each others personal styles, give a little here, get a little there. Be sure to let her know how much it means to you that she is willing to come your way a little bit.

 

And also related to the first is that it is hard to get her to talk about her feelings. She is aware of her reticence to do so and works on it which I very much appreciate. But as an introvert I thrive on intimacy and really get a lot of joy out of sharing my feelings and empathizing with others that I care about. She is doing her best and that's all that I can ask, so I guess my question here would be, what can I do from my end to deal with the feeling of isolation that sometimes arises when she has trouble voicing her feelings? Is there anything I can do to encourage her to share more, or to help her feel more comfortable addressing her feelings head-on?

I think is the trickiest point of them all. Everyone has a different way of expressing their feelings, it sounds like you are more emotionally open, and she is more emotionally guarded. That's two very different styles and it's going to take a lot of compromise and understanding by both of you to find some place to meet in the middle. The best advice I have for you (and the hardest for me to follow) is to not let yourself get frustrated in front of her, as much as you want to, don't push too hard for her to open up. To a guarded person, that's just like an attack to a guarded person and her walls will be that much stronger the next time around. Have a very frank discussion about what is and isn't comfortable for both of you, let her start, and let her set the pace. A more guarded person will interpret actions/ and words much differently than a more open person! Keep that in mind because you may be speaking different languages for awhile until you learn how each of you perceives the actions of the other.

 

Good luck, and keep us posted.

TOJAZ

[Satu]

I have a daily meditation practice in place to manage my anxiety. I know that she is not causing me to feel this way. I am just wondering how I can talk about my feelings with her when I feel this conflict. I don't want to change her, but if I don't communicate my feelings they underlie my actions. How can I approach the situation so that I can express myself without asking her to change?

 

Meditation and relaxation are not necessarily effective as a way of approaching anxiety, and in some cases they can make it worse.

 

You're still focusing on your girlfriend, when you should be focusing on yourself, by the way.

 

You feel the need to talk to her because you feel anxious, and that talk makes you feel better for a while... Kind of... Because she doesn't really want to talk about it.

 

Change your feelings deal with the anxiety, and this issue is solved.

 

Can you not see that?

[loveboid]

I would be careful here hitching yourself to her contractually since she is a poor communicator to you. I heard a divorce lawyer say lack of high quality communication was the number one reason he saw for divorce.

 

You could always stay friends with her for life without marrying her. That's what it would be if you married her. As far as emotional intimacy as husband and wife, that would not be the case if she cannot communicate with you.

 

Sad to say but there are children who were not talked to a lot and they grow up with this bad habit of staying silent. Some grow out of it, some don't. Whatever her reason, I would say communication incompatibility is a deal breaker and you are absolutely right to be concerned. The problem will not go away on its own and will only make things worse. It would affect sexual intimacy as well if it hasn't already.

[Danda]

I can relate to some of your girlfriend's quirks. I come across as rather distant to a lot of people (or so I've been told) and no matter how long I've known someone, it can still take me a little bit to warm up to them all over again every time we're together, detach from my 'own little world' of brooding thoughts and engage them fully. I have also been told by multiple people that I am "hard to read" a lot of the time. The best approach with people like myself is to just ask us flat out, but then believe us when we answer and not ask us 500 times.

 

If we seem to reluctant to talk about our feelings, we have our reasons for that reluctance. Maybe we don't want to 'dump on' you, maybe we're not entirely sure you would understand and want to avoid conflict, maybe we were invalidated and judged a lot growing up and have an inherent fear response when it comes to sharing feelings - but however you slice it, remember that our reluctance to share IS sharing in a way. Rather than lying and wearing a mask with you, we've at least let you know that we're having an anxiety response of some kind and that it's proving to be an obstacle. While that may not be the exact emotional response you wanted from us, it IS sharing our emotions with you. Invalidating it by pressuring us to spit out something different does not help. Trust me.

 

People like us can be a slow and frustrating process when it comes to emotional intimacy, so make sure you like pretty much everything else about us if you're going to invest the time and effort, because it will be an investment, and it'll need to be genuinely worth it to you, or you're gonna drive yourself nuts trying to play therapist for us.

 

As far as the staying out late thing, I'd recommend her having friends' nights out without you sometimes, and friends' nights out with you sometimes, and nights out (or in) just the two of you sometimes. If everything fits into just one of these categories then it'll be an issue. Do you have the level of trust needed to be chill if she goes out without you sometimes to hang out with friends, while you get some downtime doing whatever it is for yourself? And is she making time for just the two of you, so that you both go out and go home on the same schedule and on the same page?

[Divasu]

There must be a safe, non-blaming environment for conversations - one where both feel trusting and safe towards the other - to encourage listening and response in a non-defensive manner.

 

"Love is not love until love’s vulnerable.” -Theodore Roethke

 

When conversations arise - practice listening/speaking without blame or judgment (as hard as that may be). Do not feel bad when/if you slip up - it is challenging for all of us to achieve this form of balance, at all times.

 

As for your girlfriend's mode of expression, I do relate. I am not a great communicator with my 'emotions', but, that does not mean I am emotionless.

 

Quite the opposite in fact.

 

I am sure that comes across as emotionally guarded (which, I have been accused of in the past). I am emotionally guarded, but I feel it is misunderstood at times.

 

As an example - certain things I 'take in' visually and/or through sound empowers me. A simple commercial can bring tears to my eyes. I am more 'action' based, and I view words as 'empty' under certain circumstances.

 

Silence in general though, does not have to be viewed as negative. In fact, comfortable silence can be equally important.

 

I would also add, that Satu is correct in that you must also acknowledge your part (as the initiator) when/if you perceive her silence as a 'negative' connotation. The feelings associated with it is based on your own interpretation.

[SillySilly]

Meditation and relaxation are not necessarily effective as a way of approaching anxiety, and in some cases they can make it worse.

 

You're still focusing on your girlfriend, when you should be focusing on yourself, by the way.

 

You feel the need to talk to her because you feel anxious, and that talk makes you feel better for a while... Kind of... Because she doesn't really want to talk about it.

 

Change your feelings deal with the anxiety, and this issue is solved.

 

Can you not see that?

 

Meditation and relaxation are two different things. I agree with you that managing my anxiety will only help my relationship, but I have never read a single study that links meditation as an exclusive cause to increased anxiety. In fact there are a number of studies that suggest the opposite. Your approach is also very inflexible. Thank you for attempting to help, but your response is neither particularly compassionate nor helpful.

[SillySilly]

Hi Silly, I think what you have already written here is a great start. Hard part is that it is always a lot easier to write it out here then to communicate face to face when emotions are at play. Taking to lives, two hearts, and two personalities and trying to combine them into one unit is always going to be an uphill battle at times regardless of how well the two of you fit. I'm actually in the midst of a very similar situation with my (now possibly ex after last night) significant other.

 

I think the hardest part of any relationship is learning not only how to communicate, but to accept each others styles of communication and learning to translate between the two. It takes some people longer to become engaged in a conversation, and some people are just not as verbal as others. It's also ok if she is distracted at times and may very well be miles away, let her be. If it becomes a theme of the relationship that can be a problem to talk to her about, but we can't always have peoples undivided attention all the time, there's always many facets of life that creep their ways in

 

I think simple compromise is all that is needed, and respecting each others needs, if you go to a lot of parties, maybe switch off on who sets the pace for the evening, if she agrees to call it a night early every once in awhile, it makes it a lot easier to accept the nights that she wants to stay out until dawn. It's a fair compromise that plays to each others personal styles, give a little here, get a little there. Be sure to let her know how much it means to you that she is willing to come your way a little bit.

 

 

I think is the trickiest point of them all. Everyone has a different way of expressing their feelings, it sounds like you are more emotionally open, and she is more emotionally guarded. That's two very different styles and it's going to take a lot of compromise and understanding by both of you to find some place to meet in the middle. The best advice I have for you (and the hardest for me to follow) is to not let yourself get frustrated in front of her, as much as you want to, don't push too hard for her to open up. To a guarded person, that's just like an attack to a guarded person and her walls will be that much stronger the next time around. Have a very frank discussion about what is and isn't comfortable for both of you, let her start, and let her set the pace. A more guarded person will interpret actions/ and words much differently than a more open person! Keep that in mind because you may be speaking different languages for awhile until you learn how each of you perceives the actions of the other.

 

Good luck, and keep us posted.

TOJAZ

 

I wanted to thank you very much for this post. It was very helpful and I feel that you understand where I'm coming from very well. She actually recently initiated a discussion and we talked about these things--I did more listening than speaking. She agreed that taking turns setting the pace for the evening was a better solution than our current system. I think coming and going together will strengthen our bond and build trust and compromise

 

I realized that you are right, and that I should learn how she expresses herself without imposing my way of doing things on her. I talked with her about this as well and we communicated well on it. And then recently she called me when she was upset about a misunderstanding with a friend, and I saw that she actually does talk about her feelings fairly often.

 

As far as engaging her, I think I just need to get used to it. Sometimes she's fully there and sometimes she's not. I'm the same way, when I'm stressed or tired, I'm often miles away myself so it's only reasonable to expect we'll both be that way sometimes.

 

Thanks again so much for the response!

[SillySilly]

There must be a safe, non-blaming environment for conversations - one where both feel trusting and safe towards the other - to encourage listening and response in a non-defensive manner.

 

"Love is not love until love’s vulnerable.” -Theodore Roethke

 

When conversations arise - practice listening/speaking without blame or judgment (as hard as that may be). Do not feel bad when/if you slip up - it is challenging for all of us to achieve this form of balance, at all times.

 

As for your girlfriend's mode of expression, I do relate. I am not a great communicator with my 'emotions', but, that does not mean I am emotionless.

 

Quite the opposite in fact.

 

I am sure that comes across as emotionally guarded (which, I have been accused of in the past). I am emotionally guarded, but I feel it is misunderstood at times.

 

As an example - certain things I 'take in' visually and/or through sound empowers me. A simple commercial can bring tears to my eyes. I am more 'action' based, and I view words as 'empty' under certain circumstances.

 

Silence in general though, does not have to be viewed as negative. In fact, comfortable silence can be equally important.

 

I would also add, that Satu is correct in that you must also acknowledge your part (as the initiator) when/if you perceive her silence as a 'negative' connotation. The feelings associated with it is based on your own interpretation.

 

I definitely agree that my reaction is my own issue to deal with, as often my emotional reaction to something is simply a conditioned response. It is very helpful for me to remember that I can choose a different response, or at least do the necessary "gardening" that make the soil less fertile for such negative reactions. As the Zen Busdhists say, "Not the wind. Not the flag. Mind is moving."

 

Thank you also for your insight into different styles of communication, it's helpful to hear a first-person account from someone who thinks and expresses differently from me.

[SillySilly]

I would be careful here hitching yourself to her contractually since she is a poor communicator to you. I heard a divorce lawyer say lack of high quality communication was the number one reason he saw for divorce.

 

You could always stay friends with her for life without marrying her. That's what it would be if you married her. As far as emotional intimacy as husband and wife, that would not be the case if she cannot communicate with you.

 

Sad to say but there are children who were not talked to a lot and they grow up with this bad habit of staying silent. Some grow out of it, some don't. Whatever her reason, I would say communication incompatibility is a deal breaker and you are absolutely right to be concerned. The problem will not go away on its own and will only make things worse. It would affect sexual intimacy as well if it hasn't already.

 

I think I might have misrepresented my gf, she is not much like what you described so I feel like I might have described her poorly. She and I communicate quite well and have dealt with some big issues, coming out the other side still loving each other and compromising, agreeing to disagree, or ready to weather the next storm should the issue not be fully resolved.

[tojaz]

Thanks again so much for the response!

 

Happy to help when I can Silly. Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, you should do fine. Comeback and let us know how it works out, need more happy endings around here.

 

TOJAZ