gnick Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 As another person on the receiving end of the silent treatment I can sympathize how cruel and infuriating it is 3
Author cetazo Posted January 10, 2015 Author Posted January 10, 2015 Thank you ALL you guys for your replies. It means so much to me! I will give it a week or so and decide whether I should contact him. I will consider your advice, my progress thus far, and whether I am ready to face whatever the consequences to my actions. sober_and_dry, definitely give an update as to how it went.
Eighty_nine Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Thank you ALL you guys for your replies. It means so much to me! I will give it a week or so and decide whether I should contact him. I will consider your advice, my progress thus far, and whether I am ready to face whatever the consequences to my actions. sober_and_dry, definitely give an update as to how it went. like others have said, this is terribly awful. no one deserves to be treated this way. I would e-mail him and 'officially' end it. I don't think meeting him with him will be good for you and it gives him a little too much power. But you definitely need some contact to move on.
EuTuBrute Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 (edited) Let me say i know how you are feeling. My ex gf of 2.5 years gave me the silent treatment. Didn't want to talk at all, and would ignore my texts. I just like you couldn't believe how someone you love/loved can do this to you. Like other people are saying, this treatment speaks volumes for their character. They are the ones with the issues not you. Normal rational human beings talk problems and difficulties out. No one deserves to be treated this way, and yes it sucks because it leaves you hanging, fighting for and wondering what happened to the relationship. However, there will be a day i promise when the silent exs do reach out, that day will be when you could care less Edited January 13, 2015 by EuTuBrute 1
Zapbasket Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 But you definitely need some contact to move on. NO. No, you don't need contact to move on. Yes, it is one of the cruelest things, what happened to you, and that looming, hovering, ever-growing silence is pure torture. But with people who behave in this way, reaching out for answers or for any reason whatsoever is the absolute WORST thing you can do. They choose silence because they are hell-bent on avoidance. Their ego and comfort in the now matters far more to them than how you feel, hence, their ability to do this. What they don't realize is that the silence hurts them, too. It's terribly unhealthy: you end up in a whirlwind of pain and unanswered questions, while they have to amp up the denial with each day of silence in order to justify that what they did was "right." If they can't manage that, their guilt eats at them--not that it means they will ever contact you. And if they do, it's to assuage THEIR pain, not yours. Consideration of your feelings never enters the picture. People like us cannot understand this. Intellectually, perhaps--and only barely, for me, at least--but certainly not emotionally, because we are empathic people with healthy, flexible egos. Their act screams of narcissism. Yes, you have a lot of hurt and confused feelings and impulses ahead of you. I have been there and am still working through it and I know it would have been a lot easier had he sat down with me to address the fate of our relationship like a normal, mature adult. But I can't control my ex's actions, and despite many, many times over the past year where I felt I should reach out, I have not and I AM SO GLAD I HAVE NOT. Think of his silence not as an abyss, but as a massive granite statue standing before you. The statue has a little bronze plaque that reads, "Is a person who does this to another person someone you want to be with?" Consider that question, and likely it will lead you to do what we all do after contemplation of any great statue: walk away from it. Maybe that's not the best analogy. But my point is: don't, don't, don't contact him. Come here and vent to us. Read the threads of those of us who say we've been through the same or similar. And: big hugs to you, you poor, dear soul. I am just so sorry for the pain you are facing, a pain I know all too well. I wish I could give you a big hug, for real. 4
dyna85 Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 (edited) Greencove could not have said it better. For real. That post says it all. Edited January 14, 2015 by dyna85
EuTuBrute Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 Think of his silence not as an abyss, but as a massive granite statue standing before you. The statue has a little bronze plaque that reads, "Is a person who does this to another person someone you want to be with?" Consider that question, and likely it will lead you to do what we all do after contemplation of any great statue: walk away from it. This made me shed a tear, because it so true. As much as you want to be with someone, if they dont want to be with you all you can do is walk away as much as it hurts
Eighty_nine Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 NO. No, you don't need contact to move on. I respectfully and strongly disagree. This was a seven year relationship, not 7 months. That's a very serious chunk of ones life. Face-to-face contact, a discussion to "understand" what happened? No. But I can't imagine moving on without SOMETHING. I think she should e-mail him and officially break it off, then block all contact. 1
Zapbasket Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I respectfully and strongly disagree. This was a seven year relationship, not 7 months. That's a very serious chunk of ones life. Face-to-face contact, a discussion to "understand" what happened? No. But I can't imagine moving on without SOMETHING. I think she should e-mail him and officially break it off, then block all contact. I agree with that. In that scenario OP is not ASKING her ex for a conversation. That's what I was saying would be futile. If she feels she needs to send him something to officially break it off, then fine--though I'd recommend she promptly sever all possible ways he could contact her so that she doesn't have to hear the excuses or other crap he'll inevitably spew to defend his behavior. 2
ZiggyZoo Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 Just thought I'd share some of my experience, and maybe give you some hope as you muck your way through this terrible time in your life. My ex-husband (of eight years, with three children together) left me about three years ago for another woman. And, like you, I was absolutely devastated, and could NOT wrap my mind around how he could do something like that. It was like I had never really known him for all those years. His personality did a total 180, and he treated me like *I* was the one who was having an affair. I made a complete ass of myself, I begged him to come back, threatened to kill myself, cried, yelled...it makes me cringe to look back on all that. The one thing I never, ever got though, was an honest conversation about what had happened. Because he wasn't capable of that, and neither is your ex. They can't admit to themselves that they were wrong and we didn't deserve to be treated like that, and they're sure as s*it not going to admit it to us, either. It took me about 8 months of therapy to finally realize that I wasn't going to get closure from him, but that I didn't need it, either. I didn't need him to validate my feelings that WHAT he did was wrong, and HOW he did it was worse, because believing it myself was enough. I didn't need the outside confirmation from him. And neither do you, although I know it sure seems like you do. But really, what good is it going to do? It isn't going to change the fact that this person could let a month and a half go by without contacting you and trying to patch things up. You don't mean as much to him as you should. This is some harsh stuff, but you will come to see it for yourself. Counseling is absolutely the way to go, I learned so much from mine. Just hang in there, and let yourself feel whatever you're feeling at the time. And do NOT contact him. There may come a time when you are calm and steady enough to do so, but that's not right yet. You didn't deserve this, and you don't deserve anyone who would do this to you. You can get through this, and trust me, it will show you strength you never knew you had. If you ever need to PM me, please do so, I'd love to help. 4
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