cetazo Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Was in a relationship for 7 years, got into an argument one day and he hung up. called back and he hung up. That happened a month and a half ago. I did not continue to call him because he has given me this "silent treatment" one time before for 2 weeks, and I was tired of being disrespected. You can read my previous thread if you need more details but basically towards the end we'd been fighting a lot over trivial things but I always thought the relationship was solid/connection and passion was still there. I'm having a difficult time moving on with my life because he basically broke up (I assume) with the silent treatment. I'm afraid of calling him because I don't want to embarrass myself in front of his family if he hangs up on me. But he weirdly dropped off an xmas present for my little nephew at the front door of our house probably because they were close. He never put his name on it, I know it is him because we've excluded the possibility of it being anyone else and plus the actual toy is something he would give. It says "Merry Christmas to all" on the back and it looks like his writing. My friend says he probably feels guilty for "leaving" my nephew, but that it has nothing to do with me. I don't f***ing know what it means as I'm not a damn mind reader. Also, he's overly positive in his Facebook status updates (I deleted him but sometimes I cave in and check his public posts although I actively try not to). I don't know if this is just his way of suppressing pain or if it means he is moving forward happily. I wanted to send an email and ask what he wants, or even because I want him to just explicitly state that it's over. It's hard for me to progress with my life when I don't know if he's also hurting like me. Friend has told me if he wanted me back, he would contact me, but I just keep making excuses for him and thinking maybe he is scared? But again, who the f*** knows. Everything has just been extremely emotionally and physically difficult for me and I don't know how to get out of this.
Satu Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 I wanted to send an email and ask what he wants, or even because I want him to just explicitly state that it's over. It's hard for me to progress with my life when I don't know if he's also hurting like me. Friend has told me if he wanted me back, he would contact me, but I just keep making excuses for him and thinking maybe he is scared? But again, who the f*** knows. Everything has just been extremely emotionally and physically difficult for me and I don't know how to get out of this. He isn't hurting like you. He's hurting like himself. Different bruises. A your friends says, if he wants to be with you, he'll let you know. Until then, no contact. 2
Author cetazo Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 I'm scared that if I don't contact him I will regret it. I'm scared that holding on might mean it will take me longer to heal.
Elle1975 Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 It's hard when someone doesn't say to your face "I want to break up", or any variants such as "I want a break", "I don't know what I want", etc.. So maybe you should contact him indeed, and break up with the guy yourself.
Zapbasket Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 I really feel for you. When someone cuts you off with no discussion and there's nothing you've done "wrong" (you didn't cheat, weren't abusive and weren't overtly neglectful), it's a huge mindf*ck. You're kept hanging on, wanting answers...but then usually people who just walk away without discussion are not really capable of giving any answers in the first place. So you're stuck in a terrible limbo that hurts so much. Before you decide what to do, think hard about what his silent treatment might say about him, about his character, capacity for empathy, and ability to carry on a truly healthy, emotionally intimate relationship. In that meditation you might find the only answer you'll really need. If you do decide to contact him, don't expect him to suddenly be able to communicate clearly, honestly, and empathically with you. You might find yourself sunken deeper into the morass of unanswered questions and confusing messages. I'm struggling with the same thing, myself, and I go back and forth about contacting him. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, on the one hand; but on the other, when someone disrespects you like that, are they really worthy of any more effort? I don't have an answer to that question. Maybe sometimes you just have to go with your heart, and reach out, because you are someone who does such a thing where people you love are concerned. And that's not a bad trait. 4
dyna85 Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 I say don't contact him. You already tried and he hung up twice.. He needs to man the eff up and seriously learn to communicate. The silent treatment is disrespectful, insulting, immature, and cold and seriously toys with the mind/emotions of the person on the receiving end. I can see why you're making excuses for him and considering reaching out. This is exactly what happens with someone who stonewalls. It's so twisted. Even though you're left hurt, confused, and wondering, and pissed at them for blocking you out and leaving you hanging, you also have sympathy and start to make excuses... and even start to feel like it's your fault and like you need to apologize. It's a twisted game and it's not healthy. The fact that he's already done the ST once before for 2 weeks is not a good sign. Did it get a reaction out of you then (ie. did you go back to him?). I think if he saw it got a reaction out of you then, he's expecting a similar reaction now. I wouldn't play into it. You made an objective decision to walk away because you're tired of being disrespected, and I would stick to that decision. If you give in this time, what's to say he won't try this tactic again in the future, maybe for an even longer period? Did you previously discuss how the 2 week period of ST made you feel and discuss that it's not a healthy way of resolving conflict? 3
BC1980 Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 What he did is completely unacceptable. After 7 years, you deserve to have someone say to your face they want to break up. Even a phone call or text would be better than nothing. The silent treatment is about power, and it's abuse IMO. It's emotional abuse to ignore someone like that. If he simply wanted a cooling off period after an argument, he could have asked for that. You said he's done this before, so it's a pattern. Love can do a number on you, and he has you questioning if you should reach out. Is he going to reach out? Why isn't he responsible for reaching out since he was the one who decided to ignore you? This isn't a one time even where he realized he was wrong, asked forgiveness, and promised not to do it again. That would be different. This is a situation where he shows no remorse and even makes a passive aggressive move by giving the nephew a gift. On your part, the only reason I would reach out is to let him know when and where he can pick up his belongings. You don't deserve this kind of treatment, and it will escalate. You teach people how to treat you, and there are many people in this world who will absolutely take advantage of you. He will have no problem doing this again if you allow him back into your life.
Rainbowlove Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Truthfully, I would be in his face until I got the answers I needed. 7 years. He owes you that. Get what you need to help you let go. There's too much loose ends out there. Face him. Good luck.
flitzanu Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 it's been how long since you've spoken now, since he last hung up on you?
Author cetazo Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 (edited) ^^ it's been a month and a half. Thank you to everyone so far who has given their input. It means a lot to me! I just feel so conflicted. It feels sad to me to walk away from a 7 year relationship with zero communication, but at the same time I hate the constant feeling of vulnerability. Edited January 2, 2015 by cetazo
BC1980 Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 ^^ it's been a month and a half. Thank you to everyone so far who has given their input. It means a lot to me! I just feel so conflicted. It feels sad to me to walk away from a 7 year relationship with zero communication, but at the same time I hate the constant feeling of vulnerability. The vulnerability isn't worth it. You do have answers though. He doesn't have to spell it out for him to be clear. His behavior has given you all the answers you need. Yes, the decent thing to do would be to tell you to your face, but I don't think that's going to happen in this case. He has a pattern of running away and avoiding even basic confrontation. You could confront him if you like, but I doubt he will give you any solid answers or even be open to talking. I can tell you from experience that having a long talk doesn't make things any clearer. I've had both types of breakups, and I was left with the same questions each time. If he doesn't even have the decency to break up face to face after 7 years. . . . You should be glad to get rid of him.
Author cetazo Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 I feel so slighted and worthless. The pain in my heart is too much to handle. I've gone into a very deep depression and yes I will be seeing a counsellor next week. I want so badly to reach out to him, everyday my mood changes. Some days I want to forgive him, I want to look back on our memories fondly and just accept the current reality. Other days I rage hard. I wonder how anyone could make me feel this f*cking low and debased to the point where I cant even function. To the point where my heart physically aches. Rationally I know it will eventually get better... But it doesn't stop me from feeling like sh*t everyday.
Elle1975 Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Personally I would take the power back by initiating the break up. Call it yourself, and walk away. Since you are going to get counseling, it's perfect timing. 1
Author cetazo Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 ^^ that would work, if only I actually wanted this breakup...
BC1980 Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 ^^ that would work, if only I actually wanted this breakup... So you are willing to let him treat you this way? You are willing to give him a pass and be the one to break contact? Why? No good memories could outweigh this treatment. 3
Author cetazo Posted January 10, 2015 Author Posted January 10, 2015 Okay, so if I sent him an email and we met up to talk and move forward in a healthy way, I realized I would hold resentment for him because I was the more mature person again. But then I also realized that I would hold resentment for him regardless, because it is clear that he won't ever initiate contact. I want to view our relationship positively moving on. There's no chance of that happening if I move on with my life without further communication. There MAY be a chance of that if we meet up, depending on what he says and how it goes. I want to send him an email. Nothing too long or emotional, but just simply stating my intentions to meet up and clear the air. Thoughts?
BC1980 Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 I want to view our relationship positively moving on. There's no chance of that happening if I move on with my life without further communication. There MAY be a chance of that if we meet up, depending on what he says and how it goes. I will caution you that as time goes on, your views on the relationship will likely change. I don't think there is anything he can say, in this meeting, that will make your views positive in the long run. By not initiating contact, you will likely view yourself more positively in the long run. You will realize that you maintained you dignity and didn't need to reach out for a meeting when his intentions are already clear. 2
BC1980 Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 Okay, so if I sent him an email and we met up to talk and move forward in a healthy way, I realized I would hold resentment for him because I was the more mature person again. Are you saying you want to move forward in a relationship with him? I think it's a big leap to even think that he will even want to meet up with you.
Author cetazo Posted January 10, 2015 Author Posted January 10, 2015 No, move forward independently. There's no going back to this relationship, scars are too deep. 1
dyna85 Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 I don't think you should do it, but I get why you feel the need, given that it was a 7 year relationship and that is a long time to just end in this horrid way. Part of me screams that you should not. He's left you hanging for over a month and a half after an argument and he's given you the silent treatment before. Let me guess, you were the one to break the ice after that first silent treatment episode? If so, he knows he's got the control and is playing with you once again this time and waiting for you to cave. Who is he to control you? For that, I say: screw him, don't do it. The fact that he's withholding communication is a definite control issue. You are the bigger person, and it makes sense that you would want to reach out, because that's who you are. You're kind and considerate and open in terms of communication. However, he hung up on you without any resolution to the argument that one day over a month and a half ago and you tried - by calling him back. And he hung up again. So whose turn is it now? The problem with this equation is there is a whole lot of caring on your end and a whole lot of nonchalance, game-playing on his end. The fact that he's left you hanging for this length of time is cruel. Truly cruel and scarring, as you've said. It's like... you can wait to see if he ever gets back in touch... and if not, it demonstrates his true character even further... or you can give up your pride for the sake of your own closure. I don't think he deserves the latter option. What is your gut telling you to do?
Author cetazo Posted January 10, 2015 Author Posted January 10, 2015 ^^ My gut? It tells me to do different things every moment. Right now I'm having flashbacks of how he left me and how he acted on social media right after, and I feel like I want to throw up. Just a couple of hours ago I was calm, just wanting to talk and move forward. All I want is to be happy but I don't know what's best for me. Everyone preaches NC, and it's true that it has given me a lot of good insight being away for almost 2 months, but at this point I feel like NC is better for him and not me. HE clearly doesn't want to talk, NC clearly helps HIM move forward, but what does it do to me? It helped me reaffirm everything I already knew in the beginning, and helped me look at our relationship in a different perspective, but it leaves something unfinished on my end. I am not talking about closure, but just a different kind of sadness that is difficult to explain when someone you knew intimately for 7 years becomes a stranger without even a goodbye. I just want to be happy.
dyna85 Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 Ugh. I am so so sorry that you're going through this and can imagine the torrent of emotions you've experienced. It literally pains me to think that someone could do this. I know what it's like to be left hanging (albeit after having known the person for a much shorter period) so I can imagine the whirlwind of emotions being that much more intensified when being ignored for 2 months after being with someone for 7 years. It's hard to say exactly what to do unless you're in the exact same situation; same exact background/history and everything. Only you know the full story. However, just with this brief glimpse, it just doesn't seem right that you have to reach out to him. You've already reached out, ~2 months ago, and he shut you out completely. Two entire months he's been gone without saying a word. That's messed up. It literally takes seconds to phone someone and yet he has chosen not to do it. He's made the choice, minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day, now month after month. It's so sad and so wrong on so many levels. I don't get how someone could be so heartless. He has to know this is hurting you. It's understandable that your feelings have fluctuated across the spectrum. I don't know what you should absolutely do, but in the same breath, I say don't do it, because then it absolves him of responsibility in a way, you know? What if he then pins the blame on you and starts making excuses for his behavior? After all, he'll hold the power if you make the move at this point. He may feel like he still doesn't owe you anything. Otherwise, wouldn't he have initiated the move back towards you? You don't deserve that added pain, frustration, and humiliation, with what he's already put you through thus far. I say, don't give him any more. I say, listen to your friend. 2
BC1980 Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 ^^ My gut? It tells me to do different things every moment. Right now I'm having flashbacks of how he left me and how he acted on social media right after, and I feel like I want to throw up. Just a couple of hours ago I was calm, just wanting to talk and move forward. All I want is to be happy but I don't know what's best for me. Everyone preaches NC, and it's true that it has given me a lot of good insight being away for almost 2 months, but at this point I feel like NC is better for him and not me. HE clearly doesn't want to talk, NC clearly helps HIM move forward, but what does it do to me? It helped me reaffirm everything I already knew in the beginning, and helped me look at our relationship in a different perspective, but it leaves something unfinished on my end. I am not talking about closure, but just a different kind of sadness that is difficult to explain when someone you knew intimately for 7 years becomes a stranger without even a goodbye. I just want to be happy. It's normal to fluctuate with what you want to do. I can only imagine how emotionally drained and scattered you feel right now. It's absolutely cruel to imagine that any human being could do this to someone after 7 years together. It makes me sick quite honestly. I wanted to point out that NC has done some great things for you. I'm so glad to hear that you don't want to go back to that relationship. That is a huge step. I truly don't feel you should contact him unless you need to retrieve any personal belongings from him. I think he has made it abundantly clear that he is done, which you obviously know. I doubt he would even want to meet with you or even respond to your email. Someone like him is not going to want to face what he did. He has demonstrated extreme resistance to any type of confrontation. Even if he did agree to meet you, I highly doubt you will get any answers from him. I know it's so hard to wrap your mind around this type of treatment after 7 years.
Holmes85 Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 Was in a relationship for 7 years, got into an argument one day and he hung up. called back and he hung up. That happened a month and a half ago. I did not continue to call him because he has given me this "silent treatment" one time before for 2 weeks, and I was tired of being disrespected. You can read my previous thread if you need more details but basically towards the end we'd been fighting a lot over trivial things but I always thought the relationship was solid/connection and passion was still there. I'm having a difficult time moving on with my life because he basically broke up (I assume) with the silent treatment. I'm afraid of calling him because I don't want to embarrass myself in front of his family if he hangs up on me. But he weirdly dropped off an xmas present for my little nephew at the front door of our house probably because they were close. He never put his name on it, I know it is him because we've excluded the possibility of it being anyone else and plus the actual toy is something he would give. It says "Merry Christmas to all" on the back and it looks like his writing. My friend says he probably feels guilty for "leaving" my nephew, but that it has nothing to do with me. I don't f***ing know what it means as I'm not a damn mind reader. Also, he's overly positive in his Facebook status updates (I deleted him but sometimes I cave in and check his public posts although I actively try not to). I don't know if this is just his way of suppressing pain or if it means he is moving forward happily. I wanted to send an email and ask what he wants, or even because I want him to just explicitly state that it's over. It's hard for me to progress with my life when I don't know if he's also hurting like me. Friend has told me if he wanted me back, he would contact me, but I just keep making excuses for him and thinking maybe he is scared? But again, who the f*** knows. Everything has just been extremely emotionally and physically difficult for me and I don't know how to get out of this. cetazo, You are going to drive yourself crazy by over thinking everything, you are going to emotionally drain yourself if you keep on doing this. There is a reason why people say "ignorance is bliss", you should not check his facebook out at all. Facebook is just a projection of what people wants other to see, but the reality is completely different, I know some people who have written that they have a masters / phd degree, but I know for a fact that they don't, they even failed graduation, so don't believe everything you see on facebook. Your friends are right, if he's interested, he would let you know without giving mixed signals. He might not get on his knees and come crawling back on his knees to reconcile with you (that mostly happens in movies and sometimes in real life too), because pride gets in the way, but if his intentions are real, he would make himself clear, without leaving any room for doubt and you will also sense when he really means it. Until then no contact with him and try to avoid checking up on him on FB or any other social websites he's on.
sober and dry Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 (edited) Well I'm going trough something similar. Short version, 8 years in a RS and discover she cheated on me so I immediately BU. 1 month of NC did gave me many good things, just like you say, a bigger perspective, the knowledge of not wanting her back, but it also left an hole in me. How can I go cold turkey NC forever with someone I was for 8 years? So I braked NC some days ago and asked her to a coffee, she accepted, but I'm postponing it. I want to go there with all of my reasons to see her clarified in my head and heart. Ask your self: Do I want to get back? Do I want to beg? If you answer no to this, than my advice is: So bottom line, I don't think cold turkey straight away after a long RS is the best. Sure it's, without a question, at start, until you gain perceptive on things and get over the early stages, but after some point. After you got trough this early stages I believe (at least, for me, now) you need to break NC and even meet up. But for that you must really be sure of what you really want!!! Do it to prove to your self you doing it for your good and only reasons, prove you are the greater person, and keep healing yourself from this higher point. But be aware that this is very hard to do and the must probable thing that can happen is that you go backwards in your healing process if you are not at the right stage and only you can know if you are or not. If you do want to get back, stay NC until you have a clear clue there is a chance to. And please, dont beg at any stage it will just ruin everything, not just you possible opportunity but, must importantly, your state of mind. Be yourself. Do it for you and only you, you is all there is at this stage. Best of luck. Edited January 10, 2015 by sober and dry
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