cottom Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 I've been single for around 4 months now, going out partying, talking to different girls. I met my exs family friend around 5 years ago, i was with my ex and we saw this girl in town and went and said hello and apparently she was going on to my ex that I was really hot after we saw her. Never saw her again though, i went off to uni, had 2 other long term relationships, broke u, got a big job, moved away etc. I then happened to come across this girl on facebook and we started chatting, she is 18 now and im 22. We have been talking now for around 3 weeks, we have met up a few times, gone out clubbing and happened to end up back in my bed, she met my parents and i met her mom we all get along fine, conversations seem to be that we are considering a relationship and i have her in hysterics at everything i say. She spent 4 years in a relationship with a steroid abusing serial cheater, woman beater. Left him and spent a few months with a drug addict cheater but left him around 4 months ago too. She also has a history of drug experimentation, shes tried a load of the party pills like ketamine etc, she used to smoke weed and she used to do coke but she hates that whole lifestyle now and is completely clean for a year or so. At 18 she only slept with 4 guys (compared to most girls around me who have about 20-30) though she knows a lot of guys but has never cheated and considers even texting a guy when having a bf as cheating and couldnt ever do that she said. Her family is pretty messed up also, at 18 she is the only family member not to have had any kids by that age. She only met her real dad 2 years ago because they spent time in care and witness protection to stay away from him after he tried petrol bomb the house while messed on coke. Her uncle is a recovering Heroin addict and my mom happened to mention that she heard of the family, they are the family from hell, they were so well known people a few towns over even knew them. But then this girl seems to have her life sorted, she is off to university to do dance and drama. She is in a world famous dance school currently and she teaches her own dance class currently. Intellectually she is a perfect match for me also, we like exactly the same films as in we have exactly the same 10 favourites etc, both enjoy swing music like Sinatra etc, she has great book smarts and is very eloquent with her speaking etc. So it comes down to I have met a girl that is personality and looks-wise my perfect girl but then she has her drug abusing past, ridiculous family issues (my family isnt the cleanest either though) and her history of abuse from guys does leave mental scars that dont seem to have shown yet.
Author cottom Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 So basically; Positives: Intelligent Life sorted out, education and career-wise We have exactly the same tastes in everything Exactly what i want physically and aesthetically Negatives: A completely f*d up family that led her into witness protection and care Care that led her to drug problems in her past though she is completely clean now
evanescentworld Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 So basically; Positives: Intelligent Life sorted out, education and career-wise We have exactly the same tastes in everything Exactly what i want physically and aesthetically Negatives: A completely f*d up family that led her into witness protection and care Care that led her to drug problems in her past though she is completely clean now still very young, barely into adulthood and really not fully formed yet. Liable to get bored and wish she had spread her wings and lived a little Just wanted to add some other things to consider, here.... 1
Satu Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 There's nothing to say that it can't work, but there are some very heavy problems and potential relationship wreckers there. Evanescentworld's comments are something you should really think about. Before the relationship becomes any deeper, I would go for some short-term, single-issue counselling of 4-6 sessions, just to get some clarity on whether the relationship is something you should take on. Better to do that earlier rather than later.
Author cottom Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 I agree about the young not fully formed etc i have had that happen twice now, a girl wanting to go out with friends and try out other guys then coming back a few months later crying that the grass is not greener on the other side. However it does vary with personality, and life experience and what a relationship would stop you doing at a young age. She had a messed up teenage years so has done all the experimenting with drugs and sexually etc, been out partying since the age of 13ish, has been with different guys and coming from her up bringing she believes in being with someone from a young age like pretty much every parent i know of mates, they meet around 16-20 and have been together forever. Though i understand it is different now.
elaine567 Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 So basically; Positives: Intelligent Life sorted out, education and career-wise We have exactly the same tastes in everything Exactly what i want physically and aesthetically Negatives: A completely f*d up family that led her into witness protection and care Care that led her to drug problems in her past though she is completely clean now My problem here is that the way people have been treated as children tends to influence the present. That is a very dysfunctional upbringing and I doubt she has come through that unscathed. She wil be emotionally damaged and that already is visible, at 18 she has already been in abusive relationships, into drugs etc. She may have her life on track just now, but I suspect trouble ahead with any relationship she enters, unless she actively gets some help. How Child Abuse Primes the Brain for Future Mental Illness | TIME.com
preraph Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Only because she has chosen two men who are a reflection of her parents, I consider her a bad choice. If she had rebelled against her chaotic upbringing, then I would have no hesitation. She modeled after someone who put up with abuse and she grew up with the abuse so he has the tools to know how to handle an abusive person -- and this makes her have a feeling of familiarity with abusers because her skills growing up only trained her how to get along with those type people. If she had rebelled against it and had it all sorted, she'd be vocal about never putting up with any abuse and she wouldn't let those types into her life. Her drug taking is to anesthetize her pain she's lived with her entire life. For that reason, until she deals with the pain in therapy, she will not be able to quit substance abuse. She needs to be guided into therapy. Her family is to f'd up to do it. She's more likely to continue the victim/abuser cycle than anything else going by her present history. I'm sorry.
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