nadine5 Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 I was really frustrated last night. I went out with a girl friend who has been dating her boyfriend for about 8 months. They talk about future marriage plans, kids, etc. When she asked me about mine and my boyfriend's, I broke down in tears. He has never mentioned marriage to me, never mentioned kids, living together. Nothing. He mentions long-term vacation plans far away (as though he sees us together then), but nothing emotional. And he has never said that he loves me. So last night, I had a (drunken) fit. I asked him why he can't tell me he loves me. He said he shows me he does, and gave me a long list of the nice things he does for me (which he does). I asked him to please just answer the question... do you love me or not? And he didn't respond. He just got frustrated, again saying "actions speak louder than words"... I yelled and screamed and told him I deserved better; he walked out. I texted him 20 times in my intoxicated state with no response. Why don't you love me... If you don't love me by now you never will... I am so heartbroken right now. After being together 6 months every single day almost, and he can't even tell me he loves me. I don't know what to do.
angel.eyes Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 A few thoughts: No two couples are the same. It's unwise to use your friend's relationship as a yardstick of yours. The word "love" means different things to different people. Someone who claims to love you at a month is talking about something entirely different tthan someone who says it at six or seven months. The latter is generally more meaningful. Second, you handled the situation about as poorly as it could be handled. I realize that you were frustrated, but your choice of behaviours was unproductive. Don't have the discussion when you're drunk and angry. You should be sober. You should have thought things though. The discussion shouldn't be an angry reaction to dealings with others (in this case, your friend discussing her relationship). Don't put someone on the defensive in these conversations? Third, the two people involved in any relationship will advance at different paces in terms of their feelings. Focus instead on whether your relationship is progressing. Have you met his friends? Are you starting to meet family members? Are you spending more time together? Are you doing more for each other? I'm curious. Do you even love him? Or is this really about whether he measures up to your friends' boyfriends. In other words, are you just in competition with your friends about who has the best boyfriend/relationship? That you love him, is notably absent from your description of things. If you do love him, it's okay for you to say it first. 7
evanescentworld Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Yes you do. You go out to dinner with him, and sober, you tell him: "You either tell me to my face, you love me, now - and mean it, not because I want to hear it - or I quit wasting my time by fooling me into living with someone who basically considers me as a FWB. Which is it?" Then - SHUT UP - do NOT fill the silence. Wait and let him respond. If it doesn't hit the right buttons and tick the right boxes, take your coat, bag and leave. For good. That's what will do it. Whether YOU do it or not, is up to you. But remember this is your future you're dancing around with. 2
HazyCosmicJive Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Yes you do. You go out to dinner with him, and sober, you tell him: "You either tell me to my face, you love me, now - and mean it, not because I want to hear it - or I quit wasting my time by fooling me into living with someone who basically considers me as a FWB. Which is it?" Then - SHUT UP - do NOT fill the silence. Wait and let him respond. If it doesn't hit the right buttons and tick the right boxes, take your coat, bag and leave. For good. That's what will do it. Whether YOU do it or not, is up to you. But remember this is your future you're dancing around with. This is bad advice. I think 6 months is a short time to expect a guy to say he loves you. It may depend on the people involved, but you're still just getting to know each other at that point. If a woman gave me an ultimatum like this after 6 months I'd think she was insecure and a little crazy. Infatuation can feel like love but I think it takes longer than 6 months to develop real feelings for someone. 6
BluEyeL Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Agreed with the posters above that say that you acted unreasonably, with a tinge of crazy. You might have damaged your relationship and if he was on its way to telling you these words, you pushed him further away. You may have sabotaged your relationship at this point. I would apologize and blame it on the alcohol. Very embarrassing. 4
Satu Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Never discuss anything important with anyone, if you're drunk. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 First things first, you call and apologize for being psycho last night. Then you sit & think about what he said -- actions do speak louder than words. If his actions are loving embrace that. At 6 months I would assume anybody who was talking to me about marriage was insincere. It's waaaaaayyyy too soon. Living together is not a trial run for marriage & not everybody thinks it's a good idea. At 6 months the fact that he's making long term vacation plans IS a good sign. If he doesn't accept your apology you will have solved your own problem because your relationship will be over. 2
evanescentworld Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Read her post again: The fact she was drunk may be a factor - but look at his responses. Evasive or what? Nope. This guy just doesn't feel it. I suspect he's settling. 6 months is plenty time to know. Like I said in my thread, guys are such commitment-phobes. Women deserve more for what they put in. If a guy can't commit, he should damn well make that clear.
Gaeta Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Nadine, Not 3 weeks ago your boyfriend was asking a female friends for slvtty pictures that she gladly sent to him. You know that by snooping his FB. You are not in a serious relationship. Your boyfriend is not committed to you. You are wasting your time and feelings on him. The 6 month mark is the make-it or brake-it step. I strongly suggest you break it. 6
InsaneTrombone Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Nadine, Not 3 weeks ago your boyfriend was asking a female friends for slvtty pictures that she gladly sent to him. You know that by snooping his FB. You are not in a serious relationship. Your boyfriend is not committed to you. You are wasting your time and feelings on him. The 6 month mark is the make-it or brake-it step. I strongly suggest you break it. This x100000000 1
Trenton100 Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Dump him. If he doesn't love you after six months then find someone who will.
preraph Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 I see both sides of this debate and will only add that to say "I love you" for many guys means a proposal of some level of commitment is to follow. For this reason, a guy who is serious will not say he loves you until he is ready to follow through. Many guys set an actual time schedule to determine if it's serious or not -- and I can tell you it ISN'T going to be just six months!! A year is a common time deadline. Six months is early dating stages and I promise you do not know the real person in six months' time. That's not time for any long-term commitment. Exclusivity, yes, but not a promise to make a future together. For guys, love isn't always just an emotional thing. I mean, best I can tell, they ALL love you during sex. For many perfectly sane guys, love is when they decide to sacrifice their freedom in order to commit to you for a future. And that is when those type guys will say the words. There's nothing wrong with that. It's a little cold and calculated for us women who do seem to have a depth of emotion that we often let rule us (some guys are like that too). But being circumspect in planning your life and love isn't a terrible thing. 1
sagetalk Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 ultimatum like this after 6 months I'd think she was insecure and a little crazy. Infatuation can feel like love but I think it takes longer than 6 months to develop real feelings for someone. This, this, and this. My life would be in almost complete ruin if I would have made up my mind after 6 months with previous relationships. Sometime people can hold in crazy (or their true self) for a long time, 6 months might not be enough. No one wants to fall in love with a false front.
Trenton100 Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 So according to some people in this thread, there is no way possible anyone could love someone in 6 months. I guess my ex-wife and I were nutty and creepy and crazy for telling we loved each other in that time frame. Oh how could we POSSIBLY know each other after talking EVERY DAY for six months. LOL at some of these comments. Talk about guarded behavior.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Nadine, Not 3 weeks ago your boyfriend was asking a female friends for slvtty pictures that she gladly sent to him. You know that by snooping his FB. You are not in a serious relationship. Your boyfriend is not committed to you. You are wasting your time and feelings on him. The 6 month mark is the make-it or brake-it step. I strongly suggest you break it. I agree 100%. True, your drunken episode was not the best way to handle this. But your emotional reaction was natural, telling you something you need to know: he doesn't love you. And this relationship does not have a happy future. I'm sorry. If I were you, I would end the relationship and start the new year without this weight around my neck. You can do better. *hug* 2
Poppygoodwill Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 The old adage stands: people do what they want to do. If he wanted to say I love you, he would. But he doesn't, not yet. What you want to know is: Will he some day? But you can't answer that question. All you can do, is know for yoruself what YOU want. Do you love him? Are you patient and confident enough to let his feelings develop at a pace that's natural for him? are you confident enough to step away from him at some point if his feelings don't match yours? He'll do what he's going to do. What are YOU going to do? That's all you can control.
coolheadal Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 (edited) It's a shame you had to find out the hard way. BF you have there doesn't want to express himself to you like you had hope. 6 months and he hasn't told you he love you yet seems like a Red Flag. But you would be surprise to learn how many women don't tell their BF the same line too. Excuses are like what he told you. But that's not how it suppose to be. They need to express themselves by saying the magical words "I LOVE YOU" and next to that would be "I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU". Finally I WANT TO LOVE YOU FOREVER". Then comes WILL YOU MARRY ME" Now your bud told you what her BF does and you just realized what your BF doesn't say that or show anything like that. So you start to cry and get drunk which gives you enough guts to go after your BF. You tell him how come you don't say you love me an etc. He tells you well I do by my actions! Then you say answer my question. Then you loose it and go after him so much but he walks out the door. Well now you know how he is.. If you want a many to only express himself by his actions then that's the BF you'll have. But if you want a guy like your GF buddy there. Then will have to find a guy like that, because what you have will not express himself the way you want. Everyone is different in that department. If they only knew or understand the what those words mean just maybe they could make so many Ex GF and Ex BF so much happier. Now you can sober up and pull yourself back to 100% and throw this BF out and get yourself a real BF that will treat you with respect and tell you what you want to her from the heart and mind. Instead of from the dark hole of his actions. Edited January 1, 2015 by coolheadal
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