Holmes85 Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 The Dumper is in a relationship for 2 years. - Prior to breaking up, the dumper acts distant. Starts going out with friends more, going to clubs. - Places friends before you. Starts flirting a lot with the opposite gender. - The reasons for the breakup are confusing "I feel like you are just a friend, a friend who I have wonderful memories with" (despite of acting as a boyfriend / girlfriend for 2 years). "I don't want to break up, I just want some time to think if this is what I really want" "Its not you, its me, my feelings changed" "You are a perfect boyfriend, I don't have anything to bad to say about you" Ends the relationship and within 3 weeks starts going out with someone else. - Despite of Dumpers idea of breaking up, they admit they feel lost and yet still pursue breaking up and asking the Dumpee to move on. - Trying hard to keep Dumpee as a friend - The Dumpee tries to win the Dumper back, the dumper justifies by saying "They don't have feelings for them anymore, they see the dumpee as a friend, nothing more" - The Dumpee wishes them and their new relationship well. Dumper tells the Dumpee not to change, they are perfect the way they are. (Why the breakup then?) - In a relationship with someone for about 4-5 months Just wanted opinions if these are signs of a GIGS or a Rebound relationship? To me it sounds a bit of both. I guess my question is would I be hearing from the dumper anytime soon in the future. I have been NC with the dumper for almost 5 months and actively deleted the dumper from everywhere.
Lostrabbit Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Try looking at this link there are some good explanations G.I.G.S. (Grass is Greener Syndrome) and Rebound Relationships
Author Holmes85 Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 I have looked at it and read it multiple times before posting it here. It seems confusing to me, as to me it sounds like a mixture of both. Hence I'm here asking, based on what I wrote above, what are your opinions about it?
Itspointless Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 (edited) Doesn't sound like a rebound as she went distant and flirting with others on you before the break-up. She said it, her feelings had changed. I also doubt it is GIGS, she probably has been testing the other grasses for a while already (or do I understand the concept wrong?) Sorry. Edited January 1, 2015 by Itspointless 1
Author Holmes85 Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 Itspointless, So I guess it's safe to say that it's neither GIGS nor Rebound, but she plainly left in order to persue a relationship with the other person. She knew the person she's dating before, she also mentioned "he's not the reason for what I did" (sounds like B.S if you ask me). 1
Itspointless Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Itspointless, So I guess it's safe to say that it's neither GIGS nor Rebound, but she plainly left in order to persue a relationship with the other person. She knew the person she's dating before, she also mentioned "he's not the reason for what I did" (sounds like B.S if you ask me). Yes, it is textbook b.s. if you ask me. As for those concepts it could be GIGS, I find it a vague concept. I guess she did what some here call branch swinging.
Satu Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 She got bored with you, met someone she was attracted to, and wanted some excitement. Maintain NC and don't yourself be plan B.
Author Holmes85 Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 Itspointless, The reason I am on this site is because of the confused and mixed signals. During the breakup, her reasons were different everytime I asked if there was something I did wrong and need to improve for my next relationship. Her reasons were: - I hate myself for feeling this way, but it feels like you are just a friend, but then you do something romantic and I feel like it's more than just that. I don't want to break up, I need some time to think if this is what I really want. (3 months after) I asked her if she still feels the same way as before, to which her reply was "nah" (kinda a very vague response if you ask me). (1 month later) She started to act distant again, I asked her again to which at first she replied angrily like "why ask this now again?" then after this response she did a complete 180 (guess she saw the opportunity and she took it) she said "I was going to tell you....". I asked her for the reasons, since I was trying to understand if there was something I did, her responses were. - You did nothing wrong, my feelings changed. - You were a perfect boyfriend, I have nothing to say what can be improved - It's not you, its me. - The reason why I can't be in a relationship with you is because you feel like just a friend, a friend who I have wonderful memories with (Despite of being in a relationship with me as a boyfriend / girlfriend for 2 years). - 3 weeks later - She's with someone else. Tells me she wants nothing more than friends, she says she feels bad for what she did, but thats life (her words). Tells me how her family still loves and talks about me and she's glad I met them, but she wants nothing more than friends. To which I say "your boyfriend is not going to appreciate you talking to an ex-boyfriend" her reply to that was "maybe not, since you are my friend so :)" (that reply made me sick). Also says "he's not the reason for what she did and why she did" (well then why is she with him again?) After that I wished her all the best and declined the offer to be friends and said my goodbyes. To which her extraordinary response was "I feel bad for what has happened, but I wish you all the best as well. I just want to say that you are perfect in every way and don't let anyone change you the way you are, you have a big and kind heart and I hope that doesn't change. Goodbye -followed with a heart sign-" (All that made it really confusing, since she's saying all those wonderful things about me, but still pulling the trigger). After reading that response I have been in NC for 5 months, through a mutual friend I found out that they are still together. But I am not breaking NC anytime soon.
Itspointless Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Search for "branch swinging". I think that will answer it. 2
Author Holmes85 Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 It's pretty clear to me what "branch swinging" is just by reading it. Feels like I would be hearing from her sometime in the future, when this new adventure starts to take a turn or maybe she'll go swinging to the next branch. Either way I'm pretty confident that I would be in a much better place by the time her new adventure isn't all that new anymore.
Satu Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 (edited) The less time you spend thinking about her and trying to decode her behaviour the better for you. There's nothing complicated here. No code to crack. No analysis to be done. She met someone else she wanted to be with and she left you. Thats all there is to it. Edited January 1, 2015 by Satu 1
Author Holmes85 Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 Satu, That is exactly what I am getting at, by the time the shine from the new guy wears off (and IF her mind wanders to me again, which I am sure it would), I would hear from her again. I have been in no contact for almost 5 Months. I already have made positive changes to my life, there was nothing wrong in my life to begin with, but when you are single, you have more time to further improve the areas of your life.
flitzanu Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 do you have to label what happened for it to be real? the point you should be seeing is that she broke up with you and started dating someone else. regardless of being "gigs" or "rebound" she still left and chose to be with someone else.
Author Holmes85 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 Flitzanu, If you have a problem on why do certain people label certain things, by all means create another thread.
flitzanu Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Flitzanu, If you have a problem on why do certain people label certain things, by all means create another thread. i didn't say that i have a problem "on why do certain people label certain things". i asked if you need to label a breakup as something else for it to be real. giving a breakup another name doesn't change the fact that a person has left.
Nolan 93 Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 She left to chase another person, or has her doubts. I don't know how the relationship really was ,but you could have been a rebound or GIGS. But the main point is she left you for other reasons something she wants to do for herself and nothing but herself. Ive been dealing with the same concept with my current ex of nine months who left for her ex. Down the road it may not work out and she may come back or not, but the main point for me was she left me for her own selfish gains. Its her life she is entitled to who ever she wants to be with. Im okay with that, after feeling the pain and crying for couple days, I realized that it wouldn't bring her back. So I have to pick myself up and go on in life with out her. Its hard but Im getting there.
Author Holmes85 Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 Nolan 93, I was not a rebound. This I am certain of. Although I was her second, but you can say her "real" first relationship. The relationship itself was pretty good, even her family liked me a lot. During the last couple of weeks before the breakup, she did seem to mention things like: "I don't think I have chosen the right profession for me, I don't think this is what I want". "I want to enjoy life" Going to the clubs and vice versa. She didn't say one single negative thing about me, I did ask if there is something you want me to change for my next relationship, her reply was "no you were a perfect boyfriend, I got nothing". Actually during the final talks she did took it a bit far when I declined the friendship request, her words were "don't change yourself, you are perfect the way you are, don't let anyone change you". etc 2 weeks into the breakup she did mention that she felt lost, despite of it was her decision to break up with me, but she still pushed that we should Move On and also pulled the "who knows we might be together in the future" card. And the next week she was already with the other dude, who she is still with now. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Ive been dealing with the same concept with my current ex of nine months who left for her ex. Down the road it may not work out and she may come back or not, but the main point for me was she left me for her own selfish gains. Its her life she is entitled to who ever she wants to be with. Im okay with that, after feeling the pain and crying for couple days, I realized that it wouldn't bring her back. So I have to pick myself up and go on in life with out her. Its hard but Im getting there. Nolan93, After reading what you just wrote, I have to say that you were unfortunately the rebound. I don't know the specifics of your relationship, it could be either her boyfriend dumped her or she dumped her boyfriend (doesn't matter), fast forward a couple of weeks or a month or two she got you. I personally also believe during those 9 months she was also in touch with her ex boyfriend (or the ex boyfriend got in touch with her, at this point in doesn't matter). I want you to know that once she realizes that her ex is still the same guy she left (or the one who left her), when problem starts to reappear, her mind would wander back to you and she would get in touch with you. At that point, I want you to stand your ground and politely say "No", the reason behind it is, if she left you for her Ex, she saw you as an "option" not a "priority", I say you forget this one (despite of how hard it might be for you), rebuild your confidence and self esteem back and find someone who makes you a prioirty and not an option.
Nolan 93 Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 Same I was the perfect boyfriend, she always said you were the best boyfriend who I've ever dated. Go along well with the family and boom broke up one day lol. But yes her ex did try and contact her several times, through anonymous messages through Tumbler. But she was always honest when he would try to message her. But any way when we broke up I figured I was a rebound, even though she said your not. So she later texts me saying "I miss you dearly, thank you for giving me evrything and giving me real love, and you'll always have a spot in my heart." Yes it hurts to see somone leave you when the relationship was healthy and neve any issues. But I am moving on and its hard since its only been a month and a half after the break up. Funny thing is her ex wanted a break to figure out what he wants, and she played the same card on me. She said she knows what I'm going through. But I neve got to tell her "yes you do...to a certain extent, you will never know how it's like to watch somone you love and gave it your all, and ending up going back to their ex. Also I wll not put someone else's heart on the line, if I'm still not over my ex." Wish I could have told her that.
Author Holmes85 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 Nolan93, "I miss you dearly, thank you for giving me evrything and giving me real love, and you'll always have a spot in my heart."All this means nothing if she's leaving you for someone else, she's saying nice things in order to not feel guilty of her actions. Funny thing is her ex wanted a break to figure out what he wantsHer ex was interested in someone else, it didn't go out as planned, hence back in contact with her. Nolan the thing is, both of us are going to hear from our Ex'es at some point in the future, usually it's one the reality didn't meet there fantasy and they see us moving on to bigger and better things, thats where it's going to hit them hard. One thing is for clear whenever they would contact us, it would be less about the fact that they miss us, but more about themselves, to see if you as miserable as they are, to see if you are still on the hook and want to reconcile. Life rarely goes as planned, but if you were good to them in the relationship and there were no real big issues that caused the couple to split, you would eventually hear from them again, that's when you stand your ground. Don't wait for others to see the light, you might end up wasting your precious months / years on someone who don't know what they want, I say work on yourself, upgrade to a bigger and better partner. 2
ASG Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 She has told you what happened. Her feeling changed. Which is something that can happen to anyone of us. And her being with a new guy doesn't mean she left because of him. She left and then he was there and things happened. It is entirely possible. She had checked out of the relationship long before she actually broke up with you. A long time ago my bf and I broke up. He dumped me. And I was taken by surprise at the time, but after I had time to think about it, in fact we were basically friends who had occasional sex. She stopped being in love with you, so all that was left was the friend love, not the boyfriend love.
Author Holmes85 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 ASG, Every relationship starts with friendship first. If you have broken up from one relationship and venture into the next within 3 weeks, what does it tell me as a person about you? That you are incapable of being alone and need constant emotional validation from someone else to define your worth? Besides what kind of a guy is willing to take a girl who just recently come out of a long term relationship? Let me tell you, either a naive one or the one that's a player. It's called GIGS, you don't appreciate what you have, you start looking for attention elsewhere, you justify yourself that we are just friends and venture into the next relationship. in fact we were basically friends who had occasional sex Really? The boundary is crossed when you decide to become intiminate with each other. Unless you sleep with all your "Friends". 1
flitzanu Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 ASG, Besides what kind of a guy is willing to take a girl who just recently come out of a long term relationship? Let me tell you, either a naive one or the one that's a player. um, any guy. your opinion sounds very selfishly skewed on this. just because a guy was willing to take YOUR ex after a relationship doesn't mean he is naive or a player, it means that he's available. besides, why would the guy even know about her past? this decision lies SOLELY on the shoulders of the girl, that's her baggage, and nothing to do with an outside party that she shows interest in. this "guy" may not even know, or have known, that this "girl" was even in a relationship at all, ever, for years.
Author Holmes85 Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 My opinion isn't 'selfish' or 'skewed'. It is purely logical. The guy she is with knew before hand that she was in a relationship. How do I know this? Because he was her 'friend' then and has seen me multiple times together with her. If you are willing to take a girl that just came out in a relationship with someone else, with the reason 'my feelings changed', don't be surprised if you are coming back to this forums saying 'I got played' or 'I was a rebound' , there are many threads on here on that.
sprater Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 I disagree. Every relationship doesn't come from "friends first". Example? My current relationship. We were acquaintances at work. I got her number, told her "not to be a stranger". A month later she told me she loved me. Had probably said less than 50 words for her prior to then in the 2 years I've been at my current job. And it very well may be the situation. He may be a "rebound". Honestly, everyone who gives you advice on this forum bases it off their previous experiences.. because that's how we learn. But no one can tell you the truth, except for her. Which, I'm sure would be like beating a dead horse. Just accept it for what it is. The sooner you stop posting about it, the better you'll feel. You might be currently successful with "NC", but the fact that you posted about a relationship in which you've been involved in NC for 5 months.. of you trying to label it, or put a reason behind it.. goes to show you're thinking about it too much and putting your feelings on the table, even if it's to yourself.
sober and dry Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 sprater I can't tell if love someone from that start, and I wouldn't believe if someone says "I love you" like that. But that's just me
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