still_an_Angel Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 So rolls another year and I get pensive during my time off work. I think about my kids, work, moving to a new house and why I'm still in this relationship after all this time. MM and myself have never had a dday, no lows really as we have been quite steady with our communication, haven't been apart for long periods, etc., its actually me who could be erratic at times and days may pass that he hasn't heard from me (this irritates him) but he understands as I am a solo mum in full time work and running around after 4 kids. I read a lot of the posts here and know that I am short changing myself by choosing to be with MM. Maybe I could have found someone by now who is available and can commit to a proper R with me. To answer my own Q, I stay because its me who cannot commit to a full time relationship. My separation dragged on for years (not D yet) and after what I went through with my H, I'm really not looking for a repeat performance. I stay because I know MM will not demand so much from me, he has his own family to prioritize and what we have keeps us in that stage that we are together because we want to be, there are no ties that bind us legally, or kids, or assets/properties that a married couple have. I am not without conscience though, I fear the repercussions of this relationship and I know when it does happen, I will pay a price so enormous I will struggle to come out of the other end. And knowing all this, I still do it (idiot me). I'd love to hear from other OWs/OMs who are in LTRs.
Baby123 Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 My A wasnt long but there was a time where MM was in an R with me and "reconciling" with the BS. I stayed because I loved him, I loved him more than myself. I diminished my own value and put him on a pedestal- I truly believed 50% of him was better then nothing. It took a few scenes for me to realise that he was not worth more than me, that I could walk and I had decisions. Only when I walked out on him did he actually value me. 2
bentleychic Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Love and tiny bit of stupid hope that there may actually be a future. I actually dated someone else for several months and hoped it would help me move on and get over MM. Turns out the guy and I were great as friends and had fun dating, but neither of us had any chemistry for each other. Annnnnd I'm still in love with MM so that's really not a shock.
GoldieLox Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 My A wasn't as long as others here, under a year, but I kept staying because I was getting things I wasn't getting in my marriage. Sex, attention, emotional intimacy. After a short while, the last two things I mentioned began to wane very quickly leaving me with... sex. I kept staying because I thought those things would return, but the situation only got worse until I finally woke up and realized that MM never cared about me in the first place, and those table scraps of attention and intimacy were just to get one thing. I fell for it hook, line and sinker. 1
Patna Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 My A wasn't as long as others here, under a year, but I kept staying because I was getting things I wasn't getting in my marriage. Sex, attention, emotional intimacy. After a short while, the last two things I mentioned began to wane very quickly leaving me with... sex. I kept staying because I thought those things would return, but the situation only got worse until I finally woke up and realized that MM never cared about me in the first place, and those table scraps of attention and intimacy were just to get one thing. I fell for it hook, line and sinker. GoldieLox, I shared the same experience too. I'm glad both of us had walked out of it now, because we r worth more than just sex. Hugs. 1
Redheaded Mistress Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 I stayed out of love and the connection we had. I felt that there was something about us that meant what we shared was real and not a fling. So love and faith, I guess.
Poppy47 Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 I stayed because I had no love and affection for years before. My husband was ill for a long time with Alzheimer's disease. I started the A soon after he died and continued on and off for 6 years. I would say to anybody... don't throw valuable years away on a dead end relationship. It was the worst thing I have ever done and I regret the time wasted on xMM when I could have been healing myself and getting back into life. Poppy 1
Author still_an_Angel Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 I stayed because I had no love and affection for years before. My husband was ill for a long time with Alzheimer's disease. I started the A soon after he died and continued on and off for 6 years. I would say to anybody... don't throw valuable years away on a dead end relationship. It was the worst thing I have ever done and I regret the time wasted on xMM when I could have been healing myself and getting back into life. Poppy I agree Poppy, its living in this moment and temporary happiness, but going nowhere. (bang head on the wall)
Sassy Girl Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 I stay because it works for both of us. Both in marriages lacking intimacy with small children. Neither of us want another spouse. No plans to leave our situation and no expectations of each other. We want intimacy and a connection and friendship. We communicate well and we respect each others boundaries. It hasnt been long term yet...I think maybe 3 or 4 months, but so far its worked both of us. I have no grand delusions of undying love. We both understand this is just something extra and nothing will ever come of it outside what we have now.
Popsicle Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Because he's hot and I haven't found a replacement yet. 3
Versailles Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Because I truly love MM and he is the most amazing, brilliantly smart and all around best man I have ever met. We have a good connection with each other and feel very comfortable in each other's company (and it isnt about sex). At the moment, I still think 30% of him is better than nothing but I suppose things could change. I just told him I am divorcing H, so maybe like everyone else has said, he's going to tell me goodbye very soon.
Minnie09 Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Because I'm single and I want to stay single - and at the same time I like male company. 1
Nattie Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Because he's hot and I haven't found a replacement yet. This made me LOL. I love your blunt honesty! 2
Babs22 Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 New to the forum. I'm in a two year A with a married man (no kids) and I am married with two kids. If I attempt to use acronyms, I think that makes me a MOW with a MOM. Is that right? Anyway, why do I stay? Mostly for love and he's hot. Lol. Seriously though, mostly its for love. My marriage is pretty much shot, but I really don't know that he ever plans to leave his wife. We don't talk about that happening. I do know I've never clicked with anyone like this. At the same time, I don't think its healthy to stay in a relationship this long and be head over heals in love when there is no apparent future. I feel like I am just going to end up with a huge broken heart. 2
jellybean89 Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 I stayed because I had no love and affection for years before. My husband was ill for a long time with Alzheimer's disease. I started the A soon after he died and continued on and off for 6 years. I would say to anybody... don't throw valuable years away on a dead end relationship. It was the worst thing I have ever done and I regret the time wasted on xMM when I could have been healing myself and getting back into life. Poppy Great post Poppy. Of those staying in relationships. How many actually physically see the MM/MW? The ones that are online, never before met in person are the ones that I truly don't get. How are you "in love" with someone you have never met in person and never will meet in person. May as well get a prison pen pal. I just don't get it. Still-an-angel, I hope 2015 brings you change...I hope it brings you out of the affair and with someone who you want to be the only woman. You see to have your head on straight and deserve more than being an OW. 1
Babs22 Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 I physically see my MM 3-4 times per week. We work in same place. We go to the gym after work several days and get a hotel room 2x a month. I usually don't see him on weekends. This week we were off work and so was his wife. We saw each other one time and texting was limited, not my favorite week.
HBIC Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Well, perhaps you don't want to hear from former OW, but here's my slice of un-reality: In the very beginning, I was deludedly convinced that MM and I had a deep, deep connection and that he was my soulmate. What's funny is that at that stage in the game, before he started fine tuning his manipulation, he was breathtakingly honest with me and said things like: 1. My wife and I have a great relationship. 2. I didn't really care about you when this started. 3. I sleep with my wife. etc. I was sooooo convinced that MM was just "unaware" of how we'd end up together that I laughed at these things. He just hadn't realized that "we" were the real deal, right? (OMG, so scary that I believed that.) In time, I began to grow impatient that he wasn't moving toward a divorce. He picked up on my vibe and the tune changed drastically. Now it was: 1. Oh, baby, my relationship with my wife is a horror show. 2. You are the center of my being. I can't live without you. 3. My wife and I live like roommates. We haven't had sex in ages. I used to be a bit of a reality-tv junkie, and Patti Stanger of the Millionaire Matchmaker would always say that you know about 6 months to a year in if a relationship is going to lead to long-term commitment. So I asked MM: have you been to a lawyer to see about what you should be doing? He got very upset. And that's when I knew it was all BS. He wasn't going anywhere. What's scary is that I really believed or tried to believe his lies for a long time. I was so addicted to the attention that I put up with an epic amount of mistreatment. I think OW stay because they see what they want to see. 7
DKT3 Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Well, perhaps you don't want to hear from former OW, but here's my slice of un-reality: In the very beginning, I was deludedly convinced that MM and I had a deep, deep connection and that he was my soulmate. What's funny is that at that stage in the game, before he started fine tuning his manipulation, he was breathtakingly honest with me and said things like: 1. My wife and I have a great relationship. 2. I didn't really care about you when this started. 3. I sleep with my wife. etc. I was sooooo convinced that MM was just "unaware" of how we'd end up together that I laughed at these things. He just hadn't realized that "we" were the real deal, right? (OMG, so scary that I believed that.) In time, I began to grow impatient that he wasn't moving toward a divorce. He picked up on my vibe and the tune changed drastically. Now it was: 1. Oh, baby, my relationship with my wife is a horror show. 2. You are the center of my being. I can't live without you. 3. My wife and I live like roommates. We haven't had sex in ages. I used to be a bit of a reality-tv junkie, and Patti Stanger of the Millionaire Matchmaker would always say that you know about 6 months to a year in if a relationship is going to lead to long-term commitment. So I asked MM: have you been to a lawyer to see about what you should be doing? He got very upset. And that's when I knew it was all BS. He wasn't going anywhere. What's scary is that I really believed or tried to believe his lies for a long time. I was so addicted to the attention that I put up with an epic amount of mistreatment. I think OW stay because they see what they want to see. Yeah I also believe that its much deeper then "love". Affairs are sooo much different then one on one relationships. I don't think that while in the affair one can see the difference. In an affair the AP's spend a vast majority of their time putting the best foot forward. Its common to dress better, get in better physical shape in a sense to go all out. The sex is more exciting and things are done that aren't done in the marriages. All without the everyday mundine daily tasks that tend to wear on the romance of marriage. This is also the reason that affairs turned relationships fail so much more then they don't. Without the need to peacock and compete the AP becomes the spouse and they realize they didn't really know this person at all. But that off topic abit. I think people stay in affairs because they are quick and easy ways to feel good about themselves. Its like being suspended in the beginning stages of the relationship and never progressing. The drama of it all makes them feel, for many this is a relief from the boredom and numbness that marriage can become. Highs can't be highs without lows. 6
Author still_an_Angel Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 Because he's hot and I haven't found a replacement yet. LOL, thank you Popsicle, this has brought me out of the gloom of sorts. 1
HBIC Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 In an affair the AP's spend a vast majority of their time putting the best foot forward. Its common to dress better, get in better physical shape in a sense to go all out. The sex is more exciting and things are done that aren't done in the marriages. I think people stay in affairs because they are quick and easy ways to feel good about themselves. Its like being suspended in the beginning stages of the relationship and never progressing. This is a bit of a thread-jack (sorry!), but not every affair is all that glamorous. Fifty percent of the time I spent with MM, we were probably arguing about something. He is extremely controlling and I can be a real bee-otch. I didn't hold back much of my anger and neither did he. Most of my time with MM was phone calls, texts, and email (50% fighting) although we'd spend the occasional week together. Sometimes when we'd meet, I wore sweats/ugly pjs or went without makeup. We also talked a lot about career strategy. Sexy, I know. The affair was unquestionably the most drama-filled, epic waste of my time. If I could turn back time... DKT3, it's hard to see you still hurting if I'm reading things correctly. I hope 2015 is a great year for you and your family. In life, everyone makes bad choices and some people really do learn from them and change. Affairs are not all roses and giggles, nor are marriages dull, lifeless, expanses of boredom and routine (hopefully). I've been reading and meditating a lot lately and I'm convinced that true joy comes from commitment. Some of us are slow learners, though, and cause a lot of damage before we figure that out. 1
Josmatjes Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 New to the forum. I'm in a two year A with a married man (no kids) and I am married with two kids. If I attempt to use acronyms, I think that makes me a MOW with a MOM. Is that right? Anyway, why do I stay? Mostly for love and he's hot. Lol. Seriously though, mostly its for love. My marriage is pretty much shot, but I really don't know that he ever plans to leave his wife. We don't talk about that happening. I do know I've never clicked with anyone like this. At the same time, I don't think its healthy to stay in a relationship this long and be head over heals in love when there is no apparent future. I feel like I am just going to end up with a huge broken heart. Hi babs, I am 46, 3 kids...been w H for 23 years and your story could be mine ( I read your other posts) I tried to PM you but couldn't figure it out. I get what it's like. You don't want to hurt anybody but you can't go back to the way it was.... It's like eating crackers for years then someone says, here try this steak!! I feel my H needs to find someone who can love him and be attracted to him also ..... 2
Poppy47 Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 New to the forum. I'm in a two year A with a married man (no kids) and I am married with two kids. If I attempt to use acronyms, I think that makes me a MOW with a MOM. Is that right? Anyway, why do I stay? Mostly for love and he's hot. Lol. Seriously though, mostly its for love. My marriage is pretty much shot, but I really don't know that he ever plans to leave his wife. We don't talk about that happening. I do know I've never clicked with anyone like this. At the same time, I don't think its healthy to stay in a relationship this long and be head over heals in love when there is no apparent future. I feel like I am just going to end up with a huge broken heart. YOu will have a broken heart. Your kids and a lot of other people could suffer as well. Poppy
jbrent890 Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Hi babs, I am 46, 3 kids...been w H for 23 years and your story could be mine ( I read your other posts) I tried to PM you but couldn't figure it out. I get what it's like. You don't want to hurt anybody but you can't go back to the way it was.... It's like eating crackers for years then someone says, here try this steak!! I feel my H needs to find someone who can love him and be attracted to him also ..... I think the biggest reason you ladies are having a hard time considering your husbands is because you keep comparing your marriages to your affairs. Even if your marriages were good, they would still not compare to an affair. An affair is fantasy. You are giving your partners your best and vice versa. They don't suffer the everyday things marriage does. Even if both you ladies do leave your husbands, any new relationship you have will fail if you keep holding your affairs as a basis for comparison. If you ladies want to continue swallowing blue pills, then by all means do it. If you ever want to have a real relationship, then you are going to have to swallow the red pill and accept that relationships aren't all sunshine and rainbows. 2
Got it Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 I stayed because I was happy in the affair, was getting what I wanted, and we were happy. We had a timeline and pretty much stuck to it. So, in short, I stayed because it worked. 2
Bailey14 Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 It has been a very long time since I have posted on this forum but, I am intrigued by this question. Why do I stay? My MM and I have been friends since we were in 6th grade....we are now 64 and 63. He was my friend when my Mom committed suicide, he was my friend when my baby sister died at the age of 50, he was my friend when my dear dog died shortly after my sister died. I was his friend when his son was diagnosed with a life-threatening disease, and I was there when his Dad died. I am clear that he is never going to leave his wife and I am clear that our friendship will end when one us dies. I don't understand the idea of loving 2 people at the same time but, I am clear he loves his wife and he loves me. Would I like more? Sure. I am, however, a realist and I choose not to want what I can't have.
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