Head is a mess :( what's wrong with Me?!

[C0nfu3ed]

Hello, and happy new year. I'm new to this, but really needed to talk to someone as my heads in such a mess.

 

Im 30, and broke up with my boyfriend about 18 months ago, we had been together for 3 years, he's a really lovely guy and was my first real boyfriend. We had ups and downs, many I feel due to me living with an overbearing mother, but overall we were happy and enjoyed our lives together. We had a break about a year into our relationship, but got back together after a few months.

 

I was never really sure that I loved him, I don't know why, I always felt very conflicted about this as my head knew that he was great for me, very caring and attentive, understanding and kind. I could never work out if I did love him and just didn't recognise it or if those feelings were not there. Any how, those thoughts played on my mind a lot, and I kept thinking that that doubt would never go away, and that perhaps things would be better if I dated other people. So, I broke up with him, and nearly two years later here I am, still struggling with those doubts, was it that I didnt love him or was it just my own issues? I keep thinking I was crazy to have left him, and that I'll never find anyone that compares to him.

 

He was heart broken when I left him, but has now moved on and has had a girlfriend fort least 9 months. My brain just keeps thinking about all the lovely things he did for me and how now he's doing those things for her and it's driving me crazy!! I've thought about asking him to give us another try (not that he would) but I'm worried that if it might fall apart again and that would really break him, he suffers with depression and had a breakdown after we separated.

 

I don't really know what I'm asking, I guess I just want reassurance. Can you love someone and not realise it? Why are those doubts always there? With him i wasn't sure and and now apart all I can think is that I made a mistake! I feel in such a mess

[Satu]

There are many definitions of love, and the word means different things to do different people.

 

What does the word 'love' mean to you?

[Holmes85]

Hello, and happy new year. I'm new to this, but really needed to talk to someone as my heads in such a mess.

 

Im 30, and broke up with my boyfriend about 18 months ago, we had been together for 3 years, he's a really lovely guy and was my first real boyfriend. We had ups and downs, many I feel due to me living with an overbearing mother, but overall we were happy and enjoyed our lives together. We had a break about a year into our relationship, but got back together after a few months.

 

I was never really sure that I loved him, I don't know why, I always felt very conflicted about this as my head knew that he was great for me, very caring and attentive, understanding and kind. I could never work out if I did love him and just didn't recognise it or if those feelings were not there. Any how, those thoughts played on my mind a lot, and I kept thinking that that doubt would never go away, and that perhaps things would be better if I dated other people. So, I broke up with him, and nearly two years later here I am, still struggling with those doubts, was it that I didnt love him or was it just my own issues? I keep thinking I was crazy to have left him, and that I'll never find anyone that compares to him.

 

He was heart broken when I left him, but has now moved on and has had a girlfriend fort least 9 months. My brain just keeps thinking about all the lovely things he did for me and how now he's doing those things for her and it's driving me crazy!! I've thought about asking him to give us another try (not that he would) but I'm worried that if it might fall apart again and that would really break him, he suffers with depression and had a breakdown after we separated.

 

I don't really know what I'm asking, I guess I just want reassurance. Can you love someone and not realise it? Why are those doubts always there? With him i wasn't sure and and now apart all I can think is that I made a mistake! I feel in such a mess

 

Dear C0nfu3ed,

 

From your post, it is quite clear to me, that you didn't appreciate what you had until it was completely gone. You are regretting your decision at this point.

 

If I am being honest, if hypothetically speaking you guys did get back together one of these scenarios are bound to happen.

 

1. Since you are still under the confused state, you still have doubts, if you guys are in a relationship again, your other feelings are going to resurface again at some point and you would end up doing the same.

 

2. This time around, he would see the warning signs way before and would end it for you.

 

It seems to me that you had a great relationship, but you thought there's more out there and you could be happy elsewhere, eventually it isn't what it turned out and hence you are back to square one.

 

If you want my opinion, I say you take as much time as you want and work on what you really want. A woman who knows what she wants is very attractive.

 

I also personally think that you should leave this guy alone, since he's already in a relationship, if he thinks or still has feelings for you, I'm sure he would contact you again (but then again, make sure you have worked on yourself and you know what you want).

 

Don't cling on to the hope that he might be back or his new relationship would work out or not. Take the time to improve yourself. Once you have improved the quality of your life and are in a better mental space to think, see if you can find a better partner and don't make the same mistake again.

[Elle1975]

Seems like he was close to what you want, but not quite. 2 years later you find yourself single, wanting a relationship, and wondering if it could work the second time around.

 

Thing is, how you think you should feel and how you feel are different, as you know.

 

If you loved him, you'd know. You wouldn't be pondering about giving it another go, possibility crushing his heart, and his new relationship.

[HurtGator]

Hello, and happy new year. I'm new to this, but really needed to talk to someone as my heads in such a mess.

 

Im 30, and broke up with my boyfriend about 18 months ago, we had been together for 3 years, he's a really lovely guy and was my first real boyfriend. We had ups and downs, many I feel due to me living with an overbearing mother, but overall we were happy and enjoyed our lives together. We had a break about a year into our relationship, but got back together after a few months.

 

I was never really sure that I loved him, I don't know why, I always felt very conflicted about this as my head knew that he was great for me, very caring and attentive, understanding and kind. I could never work out if I did love him and just didn't recognise it or if those feelings were not there. Any how, those thoughts played on my mind a lot, and I kept thinking that that doubt would never go away, and that perhaps things would be better if I dated other people. So, I broke up with him, and nearly two years later here I am, still struggling with those doubts, was it that I didnt love him or was it just my own issues? I keep thinking I was crazy to have left him, and that I'll never find anyone that compares to him.

 

He was heart broken when I left him, but has now moved on and has had a girlfriend fort least 9 months. My brain just keeps thinking about all the lovely things he did for me and how now he's doing those things for her and it's driving me crazy!! I've thought about asking him to give us another try (not that he would) but I'm worried that if it might fall apart again and that would really break him, he suffers with depression and had a breakdown after we separated.

 

I don't really know what I'm asking, I guess I just want reassurance. Can you love someone and not realise it? Why are those doubts always there? With him i wasn't sure and and now apart all I can think is that I made a mistake! I feel in such a mess

 

What about him didn't you love while you were dating him? Physically not attractive? Personality not there? Intelligence? Career? Didn't you try to nail down what exactly you didn't love about him?