newlyborn Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 i think it is fine to have separate rooms, nice even. i would just want to have a general practice of sleeping in the same bed, whether in his bedroom or mine. but the idea of having separate rooms sounds great for certain personalities: introverts, artists, researchers, people who work from home, etc. OP, did you ask why he wants this?
Country_Girl Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 You need to run, not walk from this guy. Sounds like a narcissist that needs to control every aspect of the relationship. I have been through this with someone, it's only going to get worse. Just wait till he starts making boundaries, crossing them, but yet it's not acceptable to do the same. Trust me, you will not be happy in a double standard relationship. I knew my ex narc for 3 years, then we started dating. We were dating for almost 3 months. What follows next? Devaluation and Discard stage. He knew all about my past, started bringing it up to try and make me feel insecure. Would say **** that was hurtful, just to see my reaction, then would laugh about how I reacted. After a month of questioning this behavior, I gave him the boot, and over text. He didn't deserve an in person convo. It was always me catering to him, never once did he do anything for me. I haven't talked to him in 3 months now and I feel so much better for it. Run Girl.... Your in for heartbreak.
coolheadal Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 If you sleep in separated room then your not in a relationship, more like room mates. The whole point it too sleep together and know each other. You can talk to each other, wake-up with each other. I wouldn't do this. But you would be surprise how many are doing this today. If you live in the same pad (place) you are in love why can't you sleep together. Your BF has some odd ways about how he sees your relationship. Not like your sleeping on a twin bed.
Darren2013 Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 So you can "sneak glances" at her all the time instead of cuddling up and/or making love to her? Unless there's something like a medical issue (i.e. snoring, tossing/turning), if someone wants you to sleep in a separate bed and/or room than them, then they are blocking out intimacy with you. I have never lived with a guy. Of the few times that a guy I'm seeing would sleep over, it would be very uncomfy for me cuz I'm not used to it. I have issues with letting someone get close to me, so, heed my warning that someone putting up a wall like that is pretty much blocking you from getting close to them. I'm sorry, but while I have intimacy issues if a guy proposed that to me, I'd be offended. If he slept in the same bed with me without sexing, kissing, etc me - I'd also be offended. Why? In case #1, what would I be to him? An escort, hooker, prostitute? I mean, really? For sex, I'd have to get up, go to his room (or him come to mine), we have sex, he gets up, goes back to his room (or I go back to mine) and go back to sleep? Foreplay and afterplay is SEX. It's intimacy. If some guy just jizzes in me and doesn't want to hold me afterwards, he is blocking intimacy. In case #2, what am I, his mommy, brother/sister/sibling? I don't need a life-size teddybear. I have a teddy bear and a teddy skunk already. Gessh. The other day this chick called into my fav podcaster cuz she had been living with this guy for like several years and now that they are getting married - she's afraid to be intimate with him. Duh, cuz you spent so much time sleeping in the same bed with him w/o being romantic. You are his life-size teddy bear and vice-versa. Number one, they shouldn't have shacked-up, and Number two, if they were gonna shack up and sleep in the same bed, then geeesh, some boinking needed to be going on. Now they have to make a psychological transition from being "roommates/flat buddies/camp buddies" into being lovers. Good luck with that. Actually I'll just tell her ahead of time that I snore too much. That's true to a certain extent but that will be my excuse not to get in the same bed.
coolheadal Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 You need to run, not walk from this guy. Sounds like a narcissist that needs to control every aspect of the relationship. I have been through this with someone, it's only going to get worse. Just wait till he starts making boundaries, crossing them, but yet it's not acceptable to do the same. Trust me, you will not be happy in a double standard relationship. I knew my ex narc for 3 years, then we started dating. We were dating for almost 3 months. What follows next? Devaluation and Discard stage. He knew all about my past, started bringing it up to try and make me feel insecure. Would say **** that was hurtful, just to see my reaction, then would laugh about how I reacted. After a month of questioning this behavior, I gave him the boot, and over text. He didn't deserve an in person convo. It was always me catering to him, never once did he do anything for me. I haven't talked to him in 3 months now and I feel so much better for it. Run Girl.... Your in for heartbreak. Wow this had happen to me also with the prior GF she getting verbal. Why bring up the past and push it in my face. If I told her to stopped! She kept on doing it. Like you I have given her the Boot and made sure she's gone away out of my area! Since she's been gone I feel so much better! OP don't give into this madness get away from him!
preraph Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Lots of stuff possibly at work here. One, every man likes a man cave. I get this because I have to have my own space. Two, a lot of men are addicted to their porn OR just know they're going to want to supplement their sex life with "practicing alone" a lot, and don't want to give that up entirely, so this could be another reason. To me, porn addiction would be a dealbreaker, but wanting some alone time to "practice" would not be. He could be a light sleeper and just hate sleeping with someone. He could NOT like to be woken up and if you are a cuddler, he may hate that. A LOT of men hate that. It makes it hard to sleep. If you are an early riser or on a different schedule, this may affect him. Having separate rooms isn't a sex killer. It keeps it more like dating in a way, but I get it if you are a real nighttime clinger, you want someone to snuggle with. I have a friend like that, but I have to tell you, her husband, knowing her need in that way, used it against her to punish her at times. So keep that kind of thing to yourself so someone can't use it for leverage. You should be able to sleep alone like a big girl and not attach so much emotional stuff to it. It's not like he's asking you to give up sex.
Darren2013 Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 If I take a girlfriend on vacation I'm going to book separate hotel rooms. I don't have a problem paying for 2 rooms either.
Country_Girl Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Wow this had happen to me also with the prior GF she getting verbal. Why bring up the past and push it in my face. If I told her to stopped! She kept on doing it. Like you I have given her the Boot and made sure she's gone away out of my area! Since she's been gone I feel so much better! OP don't give into this madness get away from him! Good for you for giving her the boot, staying in something like that can take a toll long term. I absolutely hate when people bring up the past and throw it in your face, it's called the "past" not the "present" for a reason. People like this are just insecure, and since they don't have anything "fresh" on you, they try to warm up old ****. Pardon my language. When people do this to me now (since long ago and far away I used to tolerate this behavior) - I now immediately kick them to the curb. When I was 19 I got out of this terrible relationship and went to see a counselor, I'll never forget his words to me: Counselor: "So 19 huh, you say you're in love. Do you know what love is?" Me: "Ummm...well I think so?" Counselor: "Let me tell you what love is. Love is knowing someone's deepest and darkest secrets, and not harboring it against them. Knowing this, has this been the experience you have had?" Me: "No...." That to me was profound. I will never forget that counselor and his gem of wisdom, even then being young, I could still appreciate it at the time and have carried those words in my head ever since, that is what I live by now, and ever since then.
beach Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 You have said you need to be physically close to a man you're with. He is specifically saying he isn't going to do things like that. It should be your evidence that you two aren't a good match. Why don't you stay living on your own?
bachdude Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 My boyfriend and I have been together for about 6 months. We are talking about moving in together within the next 12 months. Today he revealed to me that when we do move in together, we will be having separate bedrooms, both with our own separate space and possessions. We also will be sleeping separately, in our own bedrooms, about 3-4 nights a week. He says if we do this from the outset, this will be very healthy for our relationship. I really beg to differ, I'm a very physical person, I long for physical tough and closeness. I do not know how on earth I can manage this. This is the ground rules he has laid down for if we do move in together, then this is how it will be. Honestly I worry that putting physical restrictions on our relationship like this from the get go will really effect our intimacy and closeness. Does anyone have any input? Is this now normal? Am I old fashioned? Should I be worried this will lead to a decrease in our intimacy? So I'm curious, what is it that draws you to him? What are the qualities in him that keep you coming back?
CarrieT Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 The real question for the OP is, based on *all* the threads about this guy, why are you continuing with him and even considering living with him? Is your self-esteem that bad? 1
bachdude Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 The real question for the OP is, based on *all* the threads about this guy, why are you continuing with him and even considering living with him? Is your self-esteem that bad? That is very black and white. I think there may be more to this story.
evanescentworld Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 So I'm curious, what is it that draws you to him? What are the qualities in him that keep you coming back? perhaps this will explain it. I think she is caught in the Cycle of Abuse. This article (within the link above) spells it out too... I just hope she comes back to the thread and reads up on it. Apparently, the OP has a habit of posting, but then ignoring responses, or forgetting about threads.... It's hard to do things when you either don't hear what you WANT to hear, or whatever is proposed is too painfully near the mark to deal with.....
shet Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 I'm not reading prior history threads because others seem to have that covered. Concerning the OP directly, there is nothing wrong or "not normal" about sleeping separately. I can't stand sharing a bed myself, it's too hot, there's no space, they wake you up, different schedules don't work. I've read plenty of counsel for sleep problems about ensuring the bed stays a place for sleep and the self and moving intimacy away from it. I've also read sex counsel about the same thing for the same reason. Frankly it seems to me for such a sexual society we usually go about actual sex, at bedtime, in a stupid fashion. Like, yeah let's **** at the time you're least energised and most want to relax. Then let's sleep with a dick poking me in the back/dead arm/faceful of hair/constant erection/B.O./grabby hands/pee trips/farts/stolen sheets/crushed by his knees/snoring right in your ear/et ****ing cetera.
bathtub-row Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 That is very black and white. I think there may be more to this story. It's not black and white at all, and you're right that there's a lot more to this. Bachdude is basing his response on previous posts by the OP. Her bf is uncaring and controlling. If she had any level of self-esteem, she'd drop this guy so fast it would make his head spin. The truth is, she knows he's not good for her and keeps posting things about him but doesn't want to do what she knows she needs to do. Most likely, she'll move in with this nut case, have kids with him and then, 20 yrs later, think about how much of her life she wasted on him. OP, if you continue with this guy thinking that you'll just end things with him somewhere down the road, it won't work that way and you won't walk away undamaged. He will rip your life apart. You're the only person who has say over whether this will happen to you or not. Please don't be like so many women who let themselves get involved with guys like this. Years from now when your spirit is broken and beaten, you'll remind yourself about how you saw all the signs in the beginning but chose to ignore them. How will that make you feel?
SpiralOut Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 There is nothing wrong with having separate bedrooms if that's what both of you want. The problem is that he wants it and you don't. I think you should go do some kickboxing classes or something. You stay with this guy who treats you poorly. I think you need something that will boost your confidence. Dumping him would boost it but I think you're too down on yourself to leave him right now. You need to find something that makes you feel good about yourself. I think when you find your own strength, you will know exactly what to do. You deserve someone who treats you with love and respect. 1
michellew Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 "You could be very well dating a narcissist or just an arrogant d-bag. There are other signs to look for as well. I dated a true narcissist once and he came on very strong in the beginning. Before showing their unattractive, arrogant side, they will do anything to win you over, not bring you down. They will heavily pour on the charm and make you feel like the sexiest, smartest woman alive. They will make love to you like no one ever has before. You will truly feel like you never have before and will start to think you've found your 'soulmate'. Before you know it, you are 'addicted' this person. They thrive off of your adoration because it feeds their ego. They really do have strong feelings for you at the time, but in an instant, they can become bored and start looking for their next ego supply. This is where their ugly side comes out. Narcissists lack empathy and will toss you aside like yesterday's trash. They'll miss you for a minute, win you back and get a small "high" while doing so, then toss you out again. Eventually they will get no "highs" from the vicious cycle and you will be thrown out for good. It's not a pretty feeling at all! They will suck the life and self-esteem right out of you, and it will take months to repair the damage left behind. If you feel he's really a narcissist, GET OUT NOW OP! The longer you wait, the harder it can become. I know I sound dramatic, but you won't understand until you live it. Trust me, you don't want to live it." In an August 15th post, you thought you were dating a narcissist. I replied to your thread with the paragraph above. From the looks of your posts since then, there is no doubt this man is a narcissist. As I said before, the longer you wait, the harder it is to get out. All you will ever get from this man is a few bread crumbs. Are those bread crumbs really that good??? 1
bachdude Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 perhaps this will explain it. I think she is caught in the Cycle of Abuse. This article (within the link above) spells it out too... I just hope she comes back to the thread and reads up on it. Apparently, the OP has a habit of posting, but then ignoring responses, or forgetting about threads.... It's hard to do things when you either don't hear what you WANT to hear, or whatever is proposed is too painfully near the mark to deal with..... Gosh, I don't know. I looked back at her posts and, while I didn't read every single one, I'm not certain what you say is true. He certainly doesn't look like good relationship material, and she very well has low self esteem, but I'm not prepared to label him as an abuser.
Author sgbtra Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 Hi everyone, I know you all didn't think I'd come back to read through your thoughts and replies, I have though and I'm really really grateful to each one of you for your input. I'm sorry I haven't contributed much in my previous postings. There are so many questions you guys have brought up, I'm not sure I can address each one individually. I guess at the bottom of all of my concerns is there appears to be a lack of intimacy between us. He cannot bring himself to have sex anymore. We begin, and then he stops half way through and says he has a headache, or feels ill. We actually spoke about it and he says that he has never been able to enjoy sex with a partner, he finds masturbation far more fulfilling. Just recently he said "If we can never have sex, is that a dealbreaker for you?" I was dumbfounded. I couldn't even answer. He also is very protective with a lot of "his" things. His time especially. He often likes things done his way. I really feel I am ALWAYS the one trying to negotiate time to hang out. I feel I have to ASK him for everything I want (like the time I was sick and I wanted him to stay home with me instead of going out with his friends - I was told I should have ASKED him to stay with me). It's all just hard work. It's exhausting. No sex, me constantly asking to have my needs met, an apparent lack of intimacy (and at times empathy), and now when we move in together we can't stay in the same room! I feel like giving up. When does this end?? Essentially everyone here has echoed the same sentiments. I've tried to summarise the other issues i've previously raised. Honestly, thank you so much for your input, each and every one of you. Deep in my heart I feel I need to leave, at the very least we are incompatible, but I think there are probably other factors at play. I just don't know how to get out without really hurting so badly. Right now the thought of him being gone from my life is so hard to face...
d0nnivain Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Just recently he said "If we can never have sex, is that a dealbreaker for you?" I was dumbfounded. I couldn't even answer. Deep in my heart I feel I need to leave, at the very least we are incompatible, but I think there are probably other factors at play. I just don't know how to get out without really hurting so badly. Right now the thought of him being gone from my life is so hard to face... Alas you know what you have to do: own the answer. Yes, a lack of sex is a deal breaker for me. It's sweet that you want to spare his feelings but be frank with him & in time he will heal & you will be free to move on to a more fulfilling relationship with somebody who does want to have sex with you.
spiderowl Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Ground rules are rules that should be agreed between both of you. It is not a one-sided relationship is it? I can see why you are not happy with this. I don't think I would be either, even though I might get a better night's sleep without a guy in my space. But, the point here is he is CONTROLLING everything. Why? Why does he feel you both need your own rooms? Who decides when you do meet up to cuddle/have sex? What else is this guy going to start controlling in your life? I'm afraid it looks like you are facing a hard decision here. He has laid down some 'rules' of his own and really he is not suggesting that you negotiate over them. It's a take it or leave it rule. If this is what you want, then take it; if not, you may need to opt out of this relationship. Personally, I feel something is really off about this. Does your boyfriend like sex at all? Something makes me wonder if he's bi or gay. I've just never met any guy who would want this sort of arrangement, especially early on in a relationship. Maybe if he was 60 or something and you'd been together for 30 years he might feel a good night's sleep with his fishing magazine would be preferable to having the covers thrown off, but so young?
Million.to.1 Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 I agree with other posters that you should end this relationship. What you have described is not healthy and he doesn't seem like he is ready/wants a relationship at all. Deal breaker if you don't have sex? WTF? Sounds to me like he has some sexual deviant secrets going on that he can not share. Preferring masturbation over sex is not normal for someone who is in a relationship. Very odd. You deserve better, and trust me, you will find it. I would rather be single than ever have a relationship like you have described. Get out now. 1
bathtub-row Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Yep, there's no question that ending relationships - even bad ones - is very hard and it causes a lot of pain. This is exactly why so many people end up making such bad decisions. Decisions that alter the course of their lives forever. The truth is, if you don't deal with this now, the pain you feel will be nothing in comparison to the pain you'll feel a few years from now. This guy is either gay, or he's controlling you through emotional abuse. This is the point where you may want to decide that it doesn't matter why he does what he does. This relationship keeps getting worse by degrees and, somewhere deep in your soul, you know he's bad news for you. And, btw, did you notice how he turned things around and put the blame on you about him not staying with you when you were sick? His words and logic are completely insane. Any person in their right mind would not have to be asked to stay with someone who was sick and throwing up. That was his way of pointing out to you that even in the most dire situations, his wants and needs will always come first. And, on top of that, he will blame you for his actions. Yeah, this guy is a real prize. This is not about loyalty or giving up or anything else. This is about you realizing that you are walking straight into the barrel of a loaded gun. This is simply not smart. If you just can't bear to break up with him, then at the very least, don't move in with him, and then slowly phase him out of your life.
missliss908 Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Please break up with this guy. I don't even know you but this post and your previous posts have made me very sad/nervous for you. You seem really unhappy and nervous to communicate with this man and you shouldn't feel that way in a loving relationship.
spiderowl Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Hi everyone, I know you all didn't think I'd come back to read through your thoughts and replies, I have though and I'm really really grateful to each one of you for your input. I'm sorry I haven't contributed much in my previous postings. There are so many questions you guys have brought up, I'm not sure I can address each one individually. I guess at the bottom of all of my concerns is there appears to be a lack of intimacy between us. He cannot bring himself to have sex anymore. We begin, and then he stops half way through and says he has a headache, or feels ill. We actually spoke about it and he says that he has never been able to enjoy sex with a partner, he finds masturbation far more fulfilling. Just recently he said "If we can never have sex, is that a dealbreaker for you?" I was dumbfounded. I couldn't even answer. He also is very protective with a lot of "his" things. His time especially. He often likes things done his way. I really feel I am ALWAYS the one trying to negotiate time to hang out. I feel I have to ASK him for everything I want (like the time I was sick and I wanted him to stay home with me instead of going out with his friends - I was told I should have ASKED him to stay with me). It's all just hard work. It's exhausting. No sex, me constantly asking to have my needs met, an apparent lack of intimacy (and at times empathy), and now when we move in together we can't stay in the same room! I feel like giving up. When does this end?? Essentially everyone here has echoed the same sentiments. I've tried to summarise the other issues i've previously raised. Honestly, thank you so much for your input, each and every one of you. Deep in my heart I feel I need to leave, at the very least we are incompatible, but I think there are probably other factors at play. I just don't know how to get out without really hurting so badly. Right now the thought of him being gone from my life is so hard to face... I am really sorry. This is a very painful time for you. You have given it your best and given him the benefit of the doubt on many occasions. There have to be limits though. Some people are just too complex and difficult to cope with. When I was going through a really difficult time, someone I'll always remember once told me 'Your needs matter too.' It was a shock and a revelation at that time, but it's true. Once you start to factor in your own needs, you are less vulnerable to being misused. You are a precious person and if this guy isn't treating you as such, he's not right for you. 1
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