sgbtra Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 My boyfriend and I have been together for about 6 months. We are talking about moving in together within the next 12 months. Today he revealed to me that when we do move in together, we will be having separate bedrooms, both with our own separate space and possessions. We also will be sleeping separately, in our own bedrooms, about 3-4 nights a week. He says if we do this from the outset, this will be very healthy for our relationship. I really beg to differ, I'm a very physical person, I long for physical tough and closeness. I do not know how on earth I can manage this. This is the ground rules he has laid down for if we do move in together, then this is how it will be. Honestly I worry that putting physical restrictions on our relationship like this from the get go will really effect our intimacy and closeness. Does anyone have any input? Is this now normal? Am I old fashioned? Should I be worried this will lead to a decrease in our intimacy?
WonderKid Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 I never heard of this before. But the situation I am in as of now, me and my ex sleep in different rooms. I'm actually honorable enough to let her have my bed while I hit the couch. It gives us space away from eachother. Maybe he's a guy that values his space a lot. Doesn't mean physical activities stop there though, don't let it stop you. If you want to cuddle him (or get laid), there's nothing stopping you from going into his room or other rooms. I know it's a big change, but try to ride it out for a few months and see where it ends up.
CALOVELY Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Based on your previous posts, why on Earth are you planning to move in with him? More so, why are you even dating this man? This guy is a walking neon sign of awfulness. 7
WonderKid Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Lmao I never considered her previous posts. But judging by your input, I'd like to question that as well. I mean, if I was moving in with my woman, I'd definitely sleep in the same room with her.
somedude81 Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 IMO this isn't a bad idea. I am naturally a very light sleeper and basically don't sleep at all with somebody else in bed. This guy might be the same.
WonderKid Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 IMO this isn't a bad idea. I am naturally a very light sleeper and basically don't sleep at all with somebody else in bed. This guy might be the same. Man! I know some people--if you make one damn peep they are flinching and flailing in bed. I'm like WTF man calm down. Lol 1
Author sgbtra Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 Thanks for your responses. Look there are several other issues weve been working through. He seems to have difficulty with sexual intimacy at times, and he does seem to lack some empathy and can be a little selfish (though he doesn't mean to be, or realise it). In honesty though, he is a good person with a good heart and really does want to please me. Regarding sleeping in separate rooms, that really has heralded some massive alarm bells in my mind....it seems so....strange. I guess I was trying to ascertain other peoples viewpoints on this, he told me that there has been a lot of research done and this has been found to be a very productive way of cohabiting (in separate rooms)
Yookie Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 It really doesn't matter what the research says. This is your life. Why does he get to unilaterally decide how things are going to be when you two move in? Does he even care about how you feel? If this is not how you want to live then please TELL him and try to come up with a compromise. Otherwise you will just have to accept that you two are not compatible. 5
Yookie Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Thanks for your responses. Look there are several other issues weve been working through. He seems to have difficulty with sexual intimacy at times, and he does seem to lack some empathy and can be a little selfish (though he doesn't mean to be, or realise it). These are RED flags waving brightly in your face.... ignore them at your own peril. 10
CALOVELY Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 (edited) Thanks for your responses. Look there are several other issues weve been working through. He seems to have difficulty with sexual intimacy at times, and he does seem to lack some empathy and can be a little selfish (though he doesn't mean to be, or realise it). In honesty though, he is a good person with a good heart and really does want to please me. Regarding sleeping in separate rooms, that really has heralded some massive alarm bells in my mind....it seems so....strange. I guess I was trying to ascertain other peoples viewpoints on this, he told me that there has been a lot of research done and this has been found to be a very productive way of cohabiting (in separate rooms) That is because it should. Everything about this guy is one giant alarm bell. He has done research on this? Be still my heart. A loving couple wants to sleep in the same bed, have sex and be next to one another. This is not normal in any way for a couple in the early "honeymoon" phase of their relationship. It is not normal for long time married couples either baring medical reasons. It indicates deep issues. Dozens of people here have told you this guy is no good but you seem determined to prove them wrong. Be very careful. Edited January 1, 2015 by CALOVELY 1
Allumere Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 it isn't what you want and will result in resentment. I am certainly for compromise...this is not that. I am a silly light sleeper so I get the need to escape to another bed or couch on occassion. If you were married and you snored the paint off the walls and he had a 3am wakeup call...ok...totally get the need to sleep elsewhere. Dictating how it will be...ah no. This will relationship is not viable. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 No, this isn't normal. I don't care how you slice it. You should really step back and ask yourself what the real issues are. There's something really not right about this, both regarding intimacy and his apparent lack of concern for your feelings. I would not move in with this man. 2
evanescentworld Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 sgbtra, if you move in with him, given all the problems highlighted in this thread, then I would seriously also question your sanity. Nobody, but nobody would comply with such conditions, and be considered 'all there'. Really, if you go ahead with this, I would think you have some very serious issues of your own to deal with. PLEASE: Call a halt to all of this, and get yourself some personal therapy. You plead his case and protest he's wonderful sometimes, but the red flags are just too insistent to ignore, and in no way do his 'good points' even begin to compensate for the dreadful problems he evidently has. Why the heck do you think this is even anything you should put up with?? 6
Assada Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Why would you move in with him, if youre gonna sleep in seperate rooms? Are you forcing him to move in with you? Have you been having problems before? ....So many other questions 2
evanescentworld Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Why would you move in with him, if youre gonna sleep in seperate rooms? Are you forcing him to move in with you? Have you been having problems before? ....So many other questions I suggest you read her threads before asking any more.... 1
Jules Dash Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Today he revealed to me that when we do move in together, we will be having separate bedrooms, both with our own separate space and possessions. Fred and Wilma Flintstone never even went this far. At least they slept in the same room and somehow we got Pebbles out of it. This is a humongous red flag. If there are intimacy issues now just wait until this setup is implemented. 2
Zahara Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Your posting history since August of this year about this guy. It's one thing to question the emotional and mental issues of your boyfriend, but something has to be said about YOU. It's astounding how you keep posting with almost no awareness that aside from moving in, there are too many red flags about this guy. Do you see something wrong? 6 months and all these issues. What happens in the long run? Are you awake? - Boyfriend wants to sleep in separate rooms - Boyfriend left me home alone and sick - Partner gets job without telling me - and convinces me I'm forgetful - Boyfriend does not like to ejaculate - Boyfriend changes plans and only does what suits him - Boyfriend declining sex and runs hot and cold - What is wrong here? Why do I feel uneasy & uncomfortable? - He is too tired lately, how can I talk to him about it? - Am I dating a narcissist? He makes me uneasy. 4
Satu Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 My boyfriend and I have been together for about 6 months. We are talking about moving in together within the next 12 months. Today he revealed to me that when we do move in together, we will be having separate bedrooms, both with our own separate space and possessions. We also will be sleeping separately, in our own bedrooms, about 3-4 nights a week. He says if we do this from the outset, this will be very healthy for our relationship. I really beg to differ, I'm a very physical person, I long for physical tough and closeness. I do not know how on earth I can manage this. This is the ground rules he has laid down for if we do move in together, then this is how it will be. Honestly I worry that putting physical restrictions on our relationship like this from the get go will really effect our intimacy and closeness. Does anyone have any input? Is this now normal? Am I old fashioned? Should I be worried this will lead to a decrease in our intimacy? He doesn't want what you want. 2
bathtub-row Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 (edited) Wow! This is the same guy that you talk about in your other posts?? The guy who left you alone while you were sick and puking your guts up? The guy you say makes you uncomfortable and uneasy? The guy who got a new job and didn't bother to mention it? The guy you asked if he's narcissitic?? Well, here's a clue for you -- he's rude and insensitive and HE DOES MEAN TO BE THAT WAY. For some reason you think that all this excessively bad behavior from him adds up to a clueless, confused, well-intended guy. Well, I'm here to tell you that there's nothing clueless or well-intended about him and, even if he has some good qualities, he's nowhere close to being a good guy. All that aside, what difference does it make if he intends to be that way or not? The bottom line is that he is completely stunted when dealing with relationships and no one in their right mind would invite this crap into their lives. Here's the truth about him -- he's abusive. Period. My guess is that not only is he emotionally abusive, but I'll bet he's physically abusive, too. Has he tossed things at you and missed? Has he hit you and then said it was an accident? Does he block you from leaving when the two of you argue? If he doesn't do those things now, he most likely will somewhere down the road. Even if it never comes to that, the emotional abuse alone is enough to destroy you. The most important thing to understand here is that everything he does is deliberate. He disrespects you, yet you stay. Each time that happens, you fail the test and he knows he can push you just a little further. What's your stopping point, hon? When do you finally admit that this guy just likes to control and abuse? Why do people like him do this? Because it makes them feel powerful to demean and hurt another human being. You dont understand this because it's so far off from the way you think. But it's true and you would do yourself a huge favor by understanding this. Abusers are great and convincing actors, too. So if you call him on what he's doing, he'll lie very convincingly. If you break up with him, he will put on a great performance by either acting like he doesn't care, or vowing to change. Abusers cannot and will not change. They are completely broken. And please don't let this play on your sympathies because he enjoys what he does and he has no desire to change. I'd love to tell you that what you see right now is what you will get but, the truth is, if you move in with him, things will get so much more worse than you could ever imagine. I hope you will find some way to extract yourself from this situation. If you don't, you're going to be one of those women who find they've spent years of their life with an abuser, that you've had kids with him and it breaks your heart that he's just as cruel to them, and that you're afraid to leave and afraid to let him have the kids alone because you fear what he will do. Do you really want this kind of life for yourself and your children? You have SO many warning signs right now. Ignoring them will completely ruin your life. Are you willing to let another human being do that to you? Are you willing to do it to yourself? The best thing you could do right now is say to him that you believe that the two of you are just too incompatible and that you are ending the relationship with him. Do not be moved by his coldness, by his tears, by anything. Just get out of this situation and find a good man. He's not the one. Edited January 1, 2015 by bathtub-row 1
Darren2013 Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Actually I think it is a good compromise. I don't want to live with a woman but if I had a girlfriend who asked me to move in with her I might agree to it provided that we sleep in separate rooms.
evanescentworld Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Actually I think it is a good compromise. I don't want to live with a woman but if I had a girlfriend who asked me to move in with her I might agree to it provided that we sleep in separate rooms. well, providing you don't treat a woman the way the `op's `'boyfriend" treats her, you'll be fine.
mammasita Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 You're dating a walking red flag waving in your face and you continue forward compromising yourself and making excuses. This man doesn't want a girlfriend, he wants his friends and a roommate. He doesn't want to answer to anyone, especially not you. Good luck with that. 2
Gloria25 Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Actually I think it is a good compromise. I don't want to live with a woman but if I had a girlfriend who asked me to move in with her I might agree to it provided that we sleep in separate rooms. So you can "sneak glances" at her all the time instead of cuddling up and/or making love to her? Unless there's something like a medical issue (i.e. snoring, tossing/turning), if someone wants you to sleep in a separate bed and/or room than them, then they are blocking out intimacy with you. I have never lived with a guy. Of the few times that a guy I'm seeing would sleep over, it would be very uncomfy for me cuz I'm not used to it. I have issues with letting someone get close to me, so, heed my warning that someone putting up a wall like that is pretty much blocking you from getting close to them. I'm sorry, but while I have intimacy issues if a guy proposed that to me, I'd be offended. If he slept in the same bed with me without sexing, kissing, etc me - I'd also be offended. Why? In case #1, what would I be to him? An escort, hooker, prostitute? I mean, really? For sex, I'd have to get up, go to his room (or him come to mine), we have sex, he gets up, goes back to his room (or I go back to mine) and go back to sleep? Foreplay and afterplay is SEX. It's intimacy. If some guy just jizzes in me and doesn't want to hold me afterwards, he is blocking intimacy. In case #2, what am I, his mommy, brother/sister/sibling? I don't need a life-size teddybear. I have a teddy bear and a teddy skunk already. Gessh. The other day this chick called into my fav podcaster cuz she had been living with this guy for like several years and now that they are getting married - she's afraid to be intimate with him. Duh, cuz you spent so much time sleeping in the same bed with him w/o being romantic. You are his life-size teddy bear and vice-versa. Number one, they shouldn't have shacked-up, and Number two, if they were gonna shack up and sleep in the same bed, then geeesh, some boinking needed to be going on. Now they have to make a psychological transition from being "roommates/flat buddies/camp buddies" into being lovers. Good luck with that.
endlessabyss Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Ay, most end up sleeping in different bedrooms at the end of the day anyways lol. Personally, I thought about this idea due to the fact my girlfriend, at the time, was a slob. I'm pretty particular about my stuff, and need things to be in a certain way (OCD type shyt) I know towards the last four years of my relationship, especially with my daughter, me and my ex slept in different bedrooms. My parents have slept in different bedrooms since I can remember. In conclusion, I don't think it is that big of a deal.
d0nnivain Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 The separate beds / bedrooms doesn't bug me that much but I'm not a big fan of sleeping with other people. As much as I love my husband, I sleep better alone & so does he. We have a really big bed so we're not squished up together. His desire for a two bedroom apartment for living together alone is not a deal breaker by itself. However, when he's already talking about the separateness of everything that is a caution flag. On some level it's OK because if you aren't married joint purchases are tougher to separate later if it doesn't work out. The other things listed by Zahara from a compilation of your other issues with this guy tell me you have far more problems then separate bedrooms. Do not move in with him until those are resolved. 3
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