Jimmyjackson Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 I'm 4 months out of a relationship and I feel ready to date again, the issue is I have a lack of confidence in finding someone. I go out drinking with my friends and I see nobody that appeals to me and it's annoying. I feel as though I'm not going to meet someone soon but I would like to. My ex is now dating for the first time since our break up, so 4 months later and it's nice to see she's found a cool guy but annoying at the same time, she always seems to find a new boyfriend fairly quickly. I have this alternative personality that most of the girls around my area don't really go for in a sense, there aren't a lot of alternative people where I live so dating seems to be a tough ask. does anyone else get these fears? I just feel like I wanna meet that girl, the one who made me feel like my ex did when I first met her, that anythings possible and it just clicks, you know?
The Poster Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 I thought this too for a long time after my first relationship ended over 3 years ago. I thought I'd never find anyone I would want, or connect with so strongly. Someone I would get all gooey inside over. Eventually, I did and the connection and bond was even stronger than the last. It's pretty normal to think these things after a breakup. Don't let it stay in your heart or your mind too long. 1
welshbambi Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Have you considered doing social things besides going out drinking? If you have an alternative personality then are there groups for people with similar interests in your area? It would be a great way to meet new friends, and even if you didn't find a girl in that group, well your new friends might have other friends in their extended circle.....and so it goes on! I would say though, that even if you are over the break up, perhaps subconsciously you still aren't ready for someone new. By looking for "the click" you are setting extraordinarily high standards that can't be met. I know "the click" all too well. But I have realised that it;s actually very rare and I just count myself lucky I ever found it at all. It's unlikely I will find that same thing again, so now I try to keep my eyes open to all possibility. I don't go for a particular type, physical or personality wise. Not every person you date is going to be potential relationship material, but you can certainly get to know some interesting people along the way. Just to reassure you - I have asked all of my friends who are in long term relationships/marriages (and this is literally ALL of my friends!! I'm the only one still on the shelf) what it was like for them when they first met their other halves. Not one of them said there was a crazy attraction to their life partner. Obviously there was an attraction, but the click took a little while to happen. My sister went all through school with her husband but they didn't get together and then click until they were in their mid-twenties. Now I couldn't tell you a more solid relationship. Try not to look for an "ex equivalent", as hard as that might be. You might miss out on someone who gives you a different kind of click.
Ieris Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 I was having this conversation with my cousin today, she is feeling pessimistic and has her guards up. I'm a bit more optimistic and see getting back into the dating game the fun part. To me it's like shopping for a man or finding the perfect pair of shoes, enjoy the shopping process. If it doesn't fit you can always find another, just be light hearted and go with the flow. I'm going out there with a fresh mind and a clean slate, no need to drag the negativity from the past. Don't go comparing them to the ex though, give the new girl/guy a fair chance and get to know them for who they are.
erklat Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 You will never so naively fall on love again . You can't compare your before the heartbreak. Now you know what to look after and what to do when you spot red flags. 1
Itspointless Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 I know "the click" all too well. But I have realised that it;s actually very rare and I just count myself lucky I ever found it at all. It's unlikely I will find that same thing again, so now I try to keep my eyes open to all possibility. I don't go for a particular type, physical or personality wise. Not every person you date is going to be potential relationship material, but you can certainly get to know some interesting people along the way. Sometimes the click is so real and mutual that it is confronting, it shocked us both (being both in our thirties). Of-course life threw significant obstacles towards her and she went dismissive, avoidant and made some hasty decisions, anyway ... I agree with welshbambi. Nice and interesting people are not going to knock on our doors. Been there before (as I dislike the dating game). it is a fallacy easy to fall into.
Author Jimmyjackson Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 I thought this too for a long time after my first relationship ended over 3 years ago. I thought I'd never find anyone I would want, or connect with so strongly. Someone I would get all gooey inside over. Eventually, I did and the connection and bond was even stronger than the last. It's pretty normal to think these things after a breakup. Don't let it stay in your heart or your mind too long. How long did it take? I just feel like I need to meet someone else to reassure me that it wasn't just a one off
Author Jimmyjackson Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 Have you considered doing social things besides going out drinking? If you have an alternative personality then are there groups for people with similar interests in your area? It would be a great way to meet new friends, and even if you didn't find a girl in that group, well your new friends might have other friends in their extended circle.....and so it goes on! I would say though, that even if you are over the break up, perhaps subconsciously you still aren't ready for someone new. By looking for "the click" you are setting extraordinarily high standards that can't be met. I know "the click" all too well. But I have realised that it;s actually very rare and I just count myself lucky I ever found it at all. It's unlikely I will find that same thing again, so now I try to keep my eyes open to all possibility. I don't go for a particular type, physical or personality wise. Not every person you date is going to be potential relationship material, but you can certainly get to know some interesting people along the way. Just to reassure you - I have asked all of my friends who are in long term relationships/marriages (and this is literally ALL of my friends!! I'm the only one still on the shelf) what it was like for them when they first met their other halves. Not one of them said there was a crazy attraction to their life partner. Obviously there was an attraction, but the click took a little while to happen. My sister went all through school with her husband but they didn't get together and then click until they were in their mid-twenties. Now I couldn't tell you a more solid relationship. Try not to look for an "ex equivalent", as hard as that might be. You might miss out on someone who gives you a different kind of click. I agree that I have high standards, all of my friends have pointed it out to me. They'll say look at that girl there and I'll say no, and they lament me for constantly looking at every girl as relationship material rather than just sex or whatever.
Satu Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 (edited) Bars are the deserts of the heart. Edited January 1, 2015 by Satu
RedButton Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 I'm 4 months out of a relationship and I feel ready to date again, the issue is I have a lack of confidence in finding someone. I go out drinking with my friends and I see nobody that appeals to me and it's annoying. I feel as though I'm not going to meet someone soon but I would like to. My ex is now dating for the first time since our break up, so 4 months later and it's nice to see she's found a cool guy but annoying at the same time, she always seems to find a new boyfriend fairly quickly. I have this alternative personality that most of the girls around my area don't really go for in a sense, there aren't a lot of alternative people where I live so dating seems to be a tough ask. does anyone else get these fears? I just feel like I wanna meet that girl, the one who made me feel like my ex did when I first met her, that anythings possible and it just clicks, you know? When you say alternative personality can you give more details? I've never had any good experiences in a bar for meeting women. I'm a nerdy/geeky guy, so I hate going to clubs and the like as well. You could try a few options, online dating is really easy and despite the stigma, you can meet fantastic women on there who share the same interests. Not everyone uses it for cheap sex. You could try meetup groups to meet new people with no pressure too. Finally, just find other people who are into the same hobby and see they do regular get togethers and the like. I know the feeling of 'Well, that's it. There's nobody out there!'. That only lasts until you meet someone else and then you realise how silly it was to think that in the first place.
Author Jimmyjackson Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 When you say alternative personality can you give more details? I've never had any good experiences in a bar for meeting women. I'm a nerdy/geeky guy, so I hate going to clubs and the like as well. You could try a few options, online dating is really easy and despite the stigma, you can meet fantastic women on there who share the same interests. Not everyone uses it for cheap sex. You could try meetup groups to meet new people with no pressure too. Finally, just find other people who are into the same hobby and see they do regular get togethers and the like. I know the feeling of 'Well, that's it. There's nobody out there!'. That only lasts until you meet someone else and then you realise how silly it was to think that in the first place. Well I don't mean alternative as in I'm really unique or anything haha. Basically, the small town I live in has certain values and ways of living that I don't really adhere to. A lot of girls in my town are 'common' and are all similar in interests. It's the kind of place where if you tried to have a meaningful conversation with most people they'd just laugh at you. Those who are alternative and different get judged for being weird, that sort of place. Whereas I know if you go to other countries, bigger cities and see different culture you find that you're more likely to meet like minded people. I'm at that stage in my life now where I'm even reconsidering my friends, they're great people but I've realised recently I don't have a lot in common with the other three in our group. I guess the moral of all of that waffling is Its hard to find a like minded girl in the area in which I live.
Author Jimmyjackson Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 Maybe I'm looking into it all too much...
Elle1975 Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 I agree that it isn't an easy thing to find someone we are compatible with. I also think we are too dam picky. I am not saying that we should lower our standards, but we should definitively give people a chance. Most people I have been dating successfully, I was not really attracted to at first. Often because I was still hung on the last guy and was comparing them both. Going out to bars is a good way to meet people, but it's not what I like to do. I like nature, pets, video games, etc.. my point is, while there might be a guy in the bar liking the same things, I have a better shot at meeting someone at the park, or during a hike. We have to put ourselves out there, and genuinely try to make new connections. Not easy if we are on the social awareness side of things, but hey, no risks no rewards. 1
Author Jimmyjackson Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 I agree that it isn't an easy thing to find someone we are compatible with. I also think we are too dam picky. I am not saying that we should lower our standards, but we should definitively give people a chance. Most people I have been dating successfully, I was not really attracted to at first. Often because I was still hung on the last guy and was comparing them both. Going out to bars is a good way to meet people, but it's not what I like to do. I like nature, pets, video games, etc.. my point is, while there might be a guy in the bar liking the same things, I have a better shot at meeting someone at the park, or during a hike. We have to put ourselves out there, and genuinely try to make new connections. Not easy if we are on the social awareness side of things, but hey, no risks no rewards. I agree with what you're saying but the whole meeting someone randomly in a park or something only happens in the movies, right?
Elle1975 Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 The park where I like to go is flooded with people. They also have soccer games, a dog park, and a beach. So yes, the walking in a park alone at 7pm is just for the movies
The Poster Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 How long did it take? I just feel like I need to meet someone else to reassure me that it wasn't just a one off It took a few years but I never gave up hope. Eventually I did find someone else I could develop intense feelings over. It'll happen with patience and persistence. Just don't lose faith.
Author Jimmyjackson Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 It took a few years but I never gave up hope. Eventually I did find someone else I could develop intense feelings over. It'll happen with patience and persistence. Just don't lose faith. Yeah I think it's one of those things that happens when you least expect it... 1
organizedchaos Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 How long did it take? I just feel like I need to meet someone else to reassure me that it wasn't just a one off It's not a one off and it will happen again. Maybe even better the next time! My last relationship of nearly 3 years ended in July 2013. I was crushed and had the same thoughts as you. It was so special, we connected so well, so much fun, amazing sex, how will it be possible to find that again? But I did. It took a year to find her but I did. Everything is there and even better! There is no such thing as "the one" because there are many "one's" for you out there!
Author Jimmyjackson Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 It's not a one off and it will happen again. Maybe even better the next time! My last relationship of nearly 3 years ended in July 2013. I was crushed and had the same thoughts as you. It was so special, we connected so well, so much fun, amazing sex, how will it be possible to find that again? But I did. It took a year to find her but I did. Everything is there and even better! There is no such thing as "the one" because there are many "one's" for you out there! Yeah I don't agree with soul mates or any of that nonsense, but I think some people are better suited, and I hope that my ex isn't going to be that person who was best for me
organizedchaos Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Yeah I don't agree with soul mates or any of that nonsense, but I think some people are better suited, and I hope that my ex isn't going to be that person who was best for me I think you missed the point of what I just told you.
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