Lostrabbit Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 (edited) What I'm about to say is going to come across as bitter and to a certain extent it is, but what you are doing is wrong. My partner was persued by a colleauge for a year and he eventually gave in and left me for her. Hurrah hope you shout! But You can dress it up a as begging as friendship all you want but you know, as she knew what she was doing, but I don't think she understands the pain she has caused, she had no good intentions of being his friend just her own selfishness. I'm not saying my partner was innocent he's so in the wrong, but we were happy when she was not around, she magnified all his doubts and gave him an easy out without being alone. If I could talk to the o/w in my case I'd like to ask her what kind of a person it makes her, no integrity, compassion or common decency, just becaue we weren't't married would she peruse aMarried man. And what does that say about you. Don't be that person, the person who ruins peoples happiness for selfih gain, if he is meant to be with you he will be of his own accord but don't pursue him, otherwise all you get is a Man who is immature and likes the chase. You won't believe me but it's true, don't devalue and lower yourself that much. If you do be prepared that you will always be looking over your shoulder that he may do it to you too when he gets past the honeymoon phase. And I hope you remember when he comes to you with open arms that not so long ago he was in someone else's telling them he loved them. So take his word with a pinch of salt no matter how much he pleads the not happy in his marriage/relationship card maybe he was/ is without the complication of your flirtatious advances. Maybe they're just weak but is that who you want? Someone who can't commit and breaks promises. Some of you ask for the heartbreak you get; positioning yourself in that situation. I didn't I just fell in love and you helped him break me in the most callous way possible. Edited January 1, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Clarify title, add paragraphs and move to GRD 2
Redheaded Mistress Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 I saw in the other thread you were hoping to hit the "anger" phase. I think you got there. I wish you all the best in your journey and recovery. 2
HBIC Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 If I could talk to the o/w in my case I'd like to ask her what kind of a person it makes her, no integrity, compassion or common decency, just becaue we weren't't married would she peruse aMarried man. And what does that say about you. Don't be that person, the person who ruins peoples happiness for selfih gain, if he is meant to be with you he will be of his own accord but don't pursue him, otherwise all you get is a Man who is immature and likes the chase. You won't believe me but it's true, don't devalue and lower yourself that much. ... I just fell in love and you helped him break me in the most callous way possible. Lostrabbit, If I could go back and change the choices I made to be in an affair, I would. I definitely feel like my selfishness and lack of integrity led me down a very dark path. I ended the A, told his W, apologized profusely to her, and have cut him out of my life. It still doesn't change the fact that my actions hurt a totally innocent person. I feel terrible about it, and I try to make amends by moving on by being a better person in my future choices. It is hard to live with knowing you hurt someone. It's been the big motivator for me to change my ways. I'm not the OW in your case, but I felt compelled to respond. 4
Gloria25 Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 I'm sorry for what happened to you, but regardless if this was a married or non-married couple, while "other women" trying to snag your guy can be annoying - at the end of the day it's the person who decided to leave's choice...even if that choice was a bad one. In other words, doesn't matter if ten women were shaking a naked body for five years 24/7, 365. If the guy wasn't interested, he wouldn't have let them get into his head and/or heart. I know it's hard to watch someone you care about enticed by a skank. But, what can you do? You gotta let them go and do their thing. Cuz, why be with a weak person? 5
Poppy47 Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Hello Lost Rabbit, I did what HBIC did. I took a long hard look at what a dishonest way I was living, with the potential to hurt many people. I ended the A. However, I didn't tell his wife as she is a lady who is 70 and married to the sod for 50 years. It might have destroyed her for the rest of her life. Then again, perhaps she knows what he is like. I do hope you are on the road to recovery. YOu dodged a bullet there. If he had't done it at this stage, maybe he would later when there were children involved. Best wishes, Poppy.
Author Lostrabbit Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 Lostrabbit, If I could go back and change the choices I made to be in an affair, I would. I definitely feel like my selfishness and lack of integrity led me down a very dark path. I ended the A, told his W, apologized profusely to her, and have cut him out of my life. It still doesn't change the fact that my actions hurt a totally innocent person. I feel terrible about it, and I try to make amends by moving on by being a better person in my future choices. It is hard to live with knowing you hurt someone. It's been the big motivator for me to change my ways. I'm not the OW in your case, but I felt compelled to respond. I only wish all OW/OM grew a backbone Ang conscious like you. 1
harrybrown Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Sorry for your pain. It doesn't make it any better, but you are better off without him. He cheated, lied and now is not there to help you heal. Hope you can use the 180 to cut him out of your life, and help yourself to get him out of your thoughts and life. Start doing things for yourself.
littleblackheart Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Lostrabbit, if there's any advice I could give you, it would be to try your very hardest to not lose your thoughts on anyone else but you. You still have your integrity, your common decency, your compassion: no one took that away from you, and you're still breathing. Other people's stories, the novels, the films, your own assumptions...nothing prepares you for fighting the insidious poison that is betrayal (of the shared dreams, of the life to be, of the life that was). You don't need the details, you don't need a reason, you don't need anyone to blame. It can't be changed. You forgive from the heart (some can) or you believe you wouldn't have forgiven yourself in their place and you move on. Time (days, or weeks, or months, or years) changes things - get busy, talk to trusted friends, don't keep it in. It'll get better; it always does. You have my thoughts, and ((((very big New Year Hugs)))) 2
loveboid Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 He rejected you. It's not your fault. Get over it. Don't go blaming other people to hide your embarrassment. Rejection isn't something to be embarrassed about. 1
Author Lostrabbit Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 I'm not embarrassed I did nothing wrong. I'm hurt and scared yes but not embarrassed. Thanks for the posts. He did it he is in the wrong but , the idea that she did nothing wrong isn't true. I hate him for what he did and you're right he was only stolen because he wanted to be but she was guilty of knowing she was flirting with a guy in a relationship and I have since seen the text messages which prove that's what was happening. I suppose my point is that he is the villain but she is the nasty sniveling minion and I think some people who get into affairs and inappriate friendships with people in relationships kid themselves that they are doing nothing wrong and are innocent, but if they truly reflect then they know it's not right and should admit that to themselves. 3
goodyblue Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 I am curious what he said his reasons for leaving were? How long has it been since he left?
goodyblue Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 I am curious what he said his reasons for leaving were? How long has it been since he left? I think it is natural to hate the OW in your situation but you sound like you are blaming her. Obviously your ex wasn't happy, he left. Do you have children? Live together? How long? When did he leave? 3
thefooloftheyear Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Everyone knows its wrong and I am not justifying it, but.... If he really wasn't happy,(which is entirely possible/probable) but never had an "opportunity", then you would have been ok with that arrangement? I just dont buy the theory that all of sudden people "become unhappy" once some sex/attention is thrown their way...In many(most) cases its because there was something severely wrong....some people either dont recognize it, or as in the case with many men, they really dont know how to deal with it.... I wish you well... TFY 6
Author Lostrabbit Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 Maybe he wasn't entirely happy but it's one of those ebbs and flows in relationships and without her influence I can't help thinking we may have stood a chance to fix things and to address his doubts and commitment issues, as we were happy together, he's said as much. Which is what really hurts. So yes I do blame her and him 1
goodyblue Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Maybe he wasn't entirely happy but it's one of those ebbs and flows in relationships and without her influence I can't help thinking we may have stood a chance to fix things and to address his doubts and commitment issues, as we were happy together, he's said as much. Which is what really hurts. So yes I do blame her and him Well, I can't help but wonder how happy, considering he left. Sometimes in relationships one partner is content and the other is not. My guy was married 29 years. His wife was perfectly happy because her needs were being met (financial stability, being married to a prominent member of the community, free flow of liquor, no pressure for intimacy) whereas he was full of discontent (drunken wife, no sex or intimacy, loneliness). When our affair began we had already been friends for 17 years. We had always liked one another but never crossed the line. The second we did his marriage was over, it was just a matter of time. She had no idea that he would leave, but he did. It has been a few years and she is still angry and miserable. Don't be like that. Move on and find someone more compatible. I also agree you can't 'steal' a person. I wish you luck. 4
mrslovely Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Obviously your angry and I think you have given a very mature and realistic response to this issue. I stupidly got involved with a married man although he and his wife no longer wanted each other, he was still unavailable and married. In my opinion, if someone is married they are married. That's it. It won't work. No exceptions. I'm really sorry you must be feeling so much heartache for this loss of the life you built. What he did wasn't the right choice and no matter what it doesn't make any sense! What I don't get is, why couldn't they just wait until you and he had divorced and even then become friends only before dating? Yeah and he probably will cheat on this woman or want you back once your over him or seeing someone else. Seriously, sleeping with, kissing and having sex, dating, sexting or flirting with a married person is a very stupid, retarded, DUMB thing to do. He/or she is only an illusion. They just use you. There's NO love. I just hope the other woman/man can realize that they do deserve to live happily and have their own life and so don't need to cheapen and sacrifice their values and integrity for the sake of a relationship that's doomed. There is no need to compete - everybody can have their very own husband/wife if they really want it. 1
Danda Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Eh, being an OW/OM is wrong, yeah, and cheating is wrong, yeah. But ultimately you've got to work on your own sense of peace. Venting can feel good and be a bit healthy at times, even, but if my SO would cave so easily to temptation, I'd rather them be tempted and gone earlier than later. If you're going through the anger portion of the grieving phase, know this: Those who cheat with you will cheat on you. There is something wounded and terribly flawed in the minds of every OW/OM when they feel love and attraction for someone whom they know is betraying, deceiving and hurting someone who loves them, on top of putting them at risk of diseases. Basically they know this person is a lying, selfish sack of **** to their partner, and yet the OW/OM wants to be that partner. How jacked up is that? It's not an excuse for the behavior, but hopefully it can be consoling to you to understand that these are wounded dysfunctional birds engaging in dysfunctional behaviors, it's not the norm and you will be better off with someone who has their head on straight. The fresher the betrayal the more it stings, but eventually you will get to that point of indifference, just have to give yourself time. As for them, I've seen it numerous times, and chances are they will go on to cheat on each other through their dysfunctional relationship and it will end in a train wreck. But by the time that goes down, chances are you'll have reached your point of indifference, anyway. For now, bullet dodged.
HBIC Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 After several years of experience in the affair that I was in and tons of research on the patterns of these types of relationships, here's my take: 1. OW perform amazing feats of mental gymnastics to convince themselves that what they are doing is justified. (I did.) 2. So do the MM. 3. MM lie. To everyone. (W, OW, themselves) 4. Some MM are in perfectly good relationships. Those MM cheat because they are selfish, NOT because something is wrong. In any case, if something was wrong then the right thing to do is communicate, work on it, and if all else fails, leave before starting with someone else. 5. A betrayed partner has every right to be angry. Two selfish people willfully imploded her/his life. That said, you are way better off WITHOUT a cheating partner. So good riddance to the cheater. It takes time to feel this way, but eventually you will feel GREAT your ex is someone else's problem. 6. Deep pain is horrible. Sometimes you just have to remember to breathe and go through it. There are waves of good days and bad days. Take care of yourself. Character matters and you can hold your head up high. 3
Toodaloo Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 After several years of experience in the affair that I was in and tons of research on the patterns of these types of relationships, here's my take: 1. OW perform amazing feats of mental gymnastics to convince themselves that what they are doing is justified. (I did.) 2. So do the MM. 3. MM lie. To everyone. (W, OW, themselves) 4. Some MM are in perfectly good relationships. Those MM cheat because they are selfish, NOT because something is wrong. In any case, if something was wrong then the right thing to do is communicate, work on it, and if all else fails, leave before starting with someone else. 5. A betrayed partner has every right to be angry. Two selfish people willfully imploded her/his life. That said, you are way better off WITHOUT a cheating partner. So good riddance to the cheater. It takes time to feel this way, but eventually you will feel GREAT your ex is someone else's problem. 6. Deep pain is horrible. Sometimes you just have to remember to breathe and go through it. There are waves of good days and bad days. Take care of yourself. Character matters and you can hold your head up high. I will also add that there are never any winners in an affair...
Snaggletooth Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 (edited) The something severely wrong is usually within the cheater, not the marriage. Strong, honest, healthy people do not run away or cheat through bad times. Hell, they don't even become unhappy through hard times, they roll up their shirtsleeves and get stuck in. The vow is for better or worse, in sickness and in health, not "Until I get bored, until I see field that looks greener, until the good times fall flat for a while, until it becomes hard work". Marriage is not about eternal happiness, never was, never will be, it's a vow that says I will stand by you though thick and thin, come hell or high water. It's a vow that says "Even if you fall ill, meaning we can never again have sex and I have to care for an invalid all my life, I will do so". That marriage is as only as strong as its weakest link, though. Also, I know plenty of men and women who regularly tell of how lucky they are to have their spouse and how happy they are in life who also thoroughly enjoy a bit on the side. The unhappy starts once they are caught. That's when the rewritten history, blameshifting and excuses pour forth. Cheaters are liars. They lie to get laid outside the relationship, they lie once caught. As for being stolen, no a spouse can't be stolen, the OM/OW can and often will try to sow discord and tempt a spouse away, though. It's a sneaky, devious, lowdow and contemptuous act. Akin to trying to entice a cat out of a neighbours home into your own by giving it unhealthy and forbidden treats a genuinely caring and responsible person would not give. Once enticed, that mad cat lady will often run around telling of how the previous carer treated it bad and that kitty loves her more. Some will do this even if it means upsetting kids. In many ways, stealing is a more honest act. Edited January 2, 2015 by Snaggletooth 1
littleblackheart Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 (edited) That's when the rewritten history, blameshifting and excuses pour forth. Cheaters are liars. They lie to get laid outside the relationship, they lie once caught. That. An they lie a bit more after that too, to unsuspected friends and family, and anyone who cares to hear. You have a way with words ST, it has to be said Edited January 2, 2015 by littleblackheart 1
HBIC Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Hell, they don't even become unhappy through hard times, they roll up their shirtsleeves and get stuck in. The vow is for better or worse, in sickness and in health, not "Until I get bored, until I see field that looks greener, until the good times fall flat for a while, until it becomes hard work". Marriage is not about eternal happiness, never was, never will be, it's a vow that says I will stand by you though thick and thin, come hell or high water. It's a vow that says "Even if you fall ill, meaning we can never again have sex and I have to care for an invalid all my life, I will do so". That marriage is as only as strong as its weakest link, though. A different angle on the above, but something a betrayed partner should consider very carefully: There are lots of vows in a marriage. How about to love, honor, and respect? If your partner cheats on you, he/she DOES NOT honor or respect you and likely does not love you the way YOU need to be loved. No one has to "roll up their shirtsleeves" and contort themselves into being "happy" if their partner abused them by having an affair. There's a difference between giving it the old college try to save the marriage and being a doormat. Sometimes you have to leave. 1
HBIC Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Just to add, and sorry I don't know your background OP, but were there no marriage or kids involved? If so, as others have said, this is a big time case of you dodging a bullet!!!!!! He did you a huge favor by exiting from your life. Have you seen the stories of people married 30+ years to a cheater? Imagine your entire adult life being torn apart.
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