FromShinge Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Hi, I really need your help. I am living in Vancouver alone. I move to Vancouver for my work. I have nobody to ask for a help. I have no one who I can feel safe to talk about this. I have been in a relationship with Russ for 4 years. We have been living together. When I started, I told him that I wanted to get married and have a baby if things go well. He said that he would be the best daddy in the world. He told me that he was divorced a year before we met. 1) He told me that he had a vasectomy which his ex wife forced him to get. 2) He does not want to get married with anyone ever again 3) He was just separated and did not get a proper divorce at the time These 3 lies gave me a big shock and I could not build a trust at a first stage of our relationship. He told me that he had a very difficult childhood and has always a self confidence issue. He has seen a healer (Channelling) which I think kinda creepy. He says that he has seen UFO when he was little. He was upset when I told him he must have been just dreaming. I checked through his emails/cell phone/other stuff which made myself down and hate my self. I found that he was sending his naked photo to make an appointment of a personal massage from a lady who has also a naked pic on a craigslist. I asked him about this. He said that he did not go to see her. He said that he was just trying out of curiosity. He blamed me for violating his privacy. I took that blame. I found out that he was celebrating a birthday with a girl who wants a romantic relationship for a long time when I was out of a country to see my family in Japan. That girl said that "thank you for making my birthday so special with a special treat and special gifts. A movie we saw was awesome". That was a movie I and Russ have already watched in a theatre. He took her to watch a same movie again. He recently moved out without telling me. He was gone when I came back from work one day. He called me that night crying that he was missing me so much and realized that he loved me so much. We started to see each other again without living together, but again I could not take it anymore. This made me feel like I am used by him conveniently. It made me think that he was just transitioning him to find a new love of his life without feeling lonely or pain. He is using me to do that. We broke up/got back together 5 times in 4 years because I could not take all these any more , but still trying hard to understand him and make this work. I am sick of this and want to cut off this toxic relationship. Thank you so much for reading this lengthy post. It's so obvious to anyone that this is not worth wasting my time. But I just can't let go of it.
d0nnivain Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 There is nothing you can do. You didn't cause all these problems. He is the source of many of them & you can't fix him. Without him there is no relationship for you to rebuild. You have different goals -- you want marriage & kids -- he has had a vasectomy. You may very well have been a rebound for him & he does seem to have a thing for this other girl. Let her have him. In the short term, run up your phone bill calling home to Japan for moral support. Meanwhile work to build your support system in Vancouver. You will get through this & you will get over him. 2
Author FromShinge Posted December 31, 2014 Author Posted December 31, 2014 Thank you for your advice. You are very right. Just let her have him. I just have to stop thinking about him and waiting for his texts/calls. that's a difficult part. I feel nauseated and feel no energy to do anything better to myself. I'll try to survive today. and tomorrow. one day at a time..... 2
Author FromShinge Posted December 31, 2014 Author Posted December 31, 2014 There is nothing you can do. You didn't cause all these problems. He is the source of many of them & you can't fix him. Without him there is no relationship for you to rebuild. You have different goals -- you want marriage & kids -- he has had a vasectomy. You may very well have been a rebound for him & he does seem to have a thing for this other girl. Let her have him. In the short term, run up your phone bill calling home to Japan for moral support. Meanwhile work to build your support system in Vancouver. You will get through this & you will get over him. When I think about Russ being with someone else. I am going crazy. That made me feel like I need to call him and beg to stay with me. I feel so dumb and stupid. But I can't stop thinking about him. I know I should really end this, but how can I stop my pain? When does it take to feel normal again? I am so stupid.
Satu Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 I am so stupid. Some general advice I put together a while ago for somebody else: You are very hurt, disappointed and probably angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce. 2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps. 3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right. 4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person. 5. Tell yourself that you can and will love again. 6. Take care of your body: Eat enough and eat healthily. Drink enough water. Get a bit more rest than you think you need. Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous. If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor. 7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn. 8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media. Thats not easy, but it helps. 9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do. 10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate. 11. Post here as often as you want to. People here want to help. Above all else, you have to realise and accept that you are doing this to yourself. If you can accept that fully, you will be able to move forward in life. 1
Satu Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 I also meant to say that you shouldn't ascribe demeaning labels such as 'stupid' to yourself. Really, you shouldn't. Take good care of yourself.
Author FromShinge Posted December 31, 2014 Author Posted December 31, 2014 Thank you so much for your kind words. Have you been through a tough time as well? I feel so weak at the moment. I don't even know if I could do all these your suggestions. I know what I should do (ending this relationship completely and move on) on my brain, but it seems that my heart can't catch up with what I understand in my head. I really want to stop hurting myself, putting myself down. I also get rid of a virtue from my background. A self sacrifice is a virtue. It's not a virtue, isn't it? I have been trying to understand his issues in his life. But it seems that he has been taking advantage of me rather than appreciating. He is all about himself. He thinks that he is gentle and caring. But he does not live up to what he preaches. He's never done things he promised to do. I know actions speak louder than speech. I really should have ended this way earlier. I need a wisdom and courage to do end it.
Satu Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Thank you so much for your kind words. Have you been through a tough time as well? I feel so weak at the moment. I don't even know if I could do all these your suggestions. I know what I should do (ending this relationship completely and move on) on my brain, but it seems that my heart can't catch up with what I understand in my head. I really want to stop hurting myself, putting myself down. I also get rid of a virtue from my background. A self sacrifice is a virtue. It's not a virtue, isn't it? I have been trying to understand his issues in his life. But it seems that he has been taking advantage of me rather than appreciating. He is all about himself. He thinks that he is gentle and caring. But he does not live up to what he preaches. He's never done things he promised to do. I know actions speak louder than speech. I really should have ended this way earlier. I need a wisdom and courage to do end it. Yes. I've been through hell and came out of the other side. At the very least you have to take care of your body: Eat enough and eat healthily. Drink enough water. Get a bit more rest than you think you need. Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous. If you feel physically unwell, go to see your doctor. Post here many times a day if you need to. When you get messaging rights on this forum, you can message me any time you like. Its hard to struggle with a problem alone. Take care, Satu. 1
coolheadal Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Sometimes the needs over take the the real story. Well you want to get married and have a family but you'll never with this guy. He has too much going against him. You don't such a confused man in your life. Good that your moving on and find someone who wants you for a change. 2
Author FromShinge Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 Thank you so much. I needed someone to tell me I am doing the right thing. I wanted someone to know that I am right here and crying by myself. It's just so hard to be alone.
Satu Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Thank you so much. I needed someone to tell me I am doing the right thing. I wanted someone to know that I am right here and crying by myself. It's just so hard to be alone. You are not alone, because there are many caring people here on LS, who are with you.
Mandy26 Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 I learned that self criticism and rationalization (attempts to understand things/behaviours or actions of another) are self defeating. Sometimes it just is what it is, and you are not to blame for anything. Be good to yourself as others have suggested. Make future goals for yourself, take care of yourself and think positively of yourself...and keep working on it...you deserve better but it starts with you treating yourself better first. You seem to already have much going for you just keep building on it 2
Author FromShinge Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 I am trying so hard, but I am still waiting for him to call me on the other hand. It just does not happen overnight. I wish I'd feel normal again when I wake up tomorrow morning. This is just so painful. Yes, it's very self defeating to swallow all his life issues. I don't know what I was trying to be. I tend to criticize myself which I want to stop. My pain seems never ending. I am tempted to just call him to ease my pain temporarily even though I know it'll hurt more later.
Mandy26 Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 I so get it. I still at times am trying to understand why? Even though I realize that it is self defeating....but I definetly am getting better it takes time and work. Darn, I even answered his Christmas wish which as put me a couple of steps back... we are all human. But I learned and will not make any further replies because I love myself and know it will be worse if I do. When you find yourself stuck on him try to focus your attention on something else, just for a couple of minutes to just change what you are thinking and then move on and do the stuff you need to get done. One day at a time, thats all you can do for now and make the best of your New Year wishing you the best 2
Author FromShinge Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 I am not too confident, but I make my new year's resolution. I will leave him and memories with him and everything behind. I will make a fresh start for 2015. I at least can pretend that I am being positive! I will convince myself that I will be ok soon. I will be ok. I will be ok. Thank you so much everyone that gave me warm encouragements. I really appreciate the support you gave me. 2
coolheadal Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Thank you so much. I needed someone to tell me I am doing the right thing. I wanted someone to know that I am right here and crying by myself. It's just so hard to be alone. Your not alone! You have all us here to be by your side. I hope you do cheer up and be yourself again. 2
Satu Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 I am not too confident, but I make my new year's resolution. I will leave him and memories with him and everything behind. I will make a fresh start for 2015. I at least can pretend that I am being positive! I will convince myself that I will be ok soon. I will be ok. I will be ok. Thank you so much everyone that gave me warm encouragements. I really appreciate the support you gave me. You can do it! Keep on visiting LS, and keep on posting 1
hoping2heal Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Thank you so much. I needed someone to tell me I am doing the right thing. I wanted someone to know that I am right here and crying by myself. It's just so hard to be alone. If you have no other support system that would be incredibly tough. Russ does not treat you with respect, consideration, or love but it sounds like he is the only person there with you. This is a very slippery dynamic. Your relationship with this man has broken you down so far that you're filled with sadness and crazymaking...no relationship is perfect nor is any person, but his treatment of you goes far beyond what is acceptable and a loving relationship of 4 years should bring you great joy, not great despair and confusion. No one on this board can make the hard choices for you, but the only way out of this dark, dark tunnel is severing ties with this guy and no, it won't be easy or fun and it probably will feel worse than staying at first...its all you know, and no one wants to be alone. This guy is not kind to you so you are going to have to be kind to yourself and make an exit. 1
Author FromShinge Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 If you have no other support system that would be incredibly tough. Russ does not treat you with respect, consideration, or love but it sounds like he is the only person there with you. This is a very slippery dynamic. Your relationship with this man has broken you down so far that you're filled with sadness and crazymaking...no relationship is perfect nor is any person, but his treatment of you goes far beyond what is acceptable and a loving relationship of 4 years should bring you great joy, not great despair and confusion. No one on this board can make the hard choices for you, but the only way out of this dark, dark tunnel is severing ties with this guy and no, it won't be easy or fun and it probably will feel worse than staying at first...its all you know, and no one wants to be alone. This guy is not kind to you so you are going to have to be kind to yourself and make an exit. No, Russ did not treat me with love and respect. I really needed someone to tell me that. I was blindly trying to see him as a person who i thought he would be. He thinks he is caring and affectionate. I kept everything to myself for so long. I was not too sure if that was my fault as he said that this break up was because of me. I just started telling what was really happening between me and Russ. I came to a realization that i should stop blaming myself and thinking it was all my fault. My dad was very upset that I did not tell him sooner. Now it feels like I am waking up from a bad dream. That' how I really feel now. I was manipulated by him.
LostInLosingLove Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 I came to a realization that i should stop blaming myself and thinking it was all my fault. Now it feels like I am waking up from a bad dream. That' how I really feel now. I was manipulated by him. Remember this every time you feel the need to contact him. Remember how sick to your stomach you feel thinking about the terrible things he does. It will make you stronger each time knowing that you got rid of him from your life, to be healthy. Be confident in yourself because you make the right decisions. 1
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