Otter2569 Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 How do you make up after an argument? What do you do to diffuse the situation and get back on track? Ive been dating my GF for 8 months. We have a great relationship and although we dont argue a lot, the few times we have have been terrible: lots of hurt feelings and reactions triggered by past experiences, etc. We are both strong willed, passionate people. We also recognize the need to minimize the damage done when we fight and to try and get back to being ourselves.
anne1707 Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Things that help... Genuine apologies, hugs, calmly talking about whatever the issue was if it sill needs to be resolved, learning what went wrong in your communication that resulted in an argument instead of a discussion, applying that learning, learning when to compromise and when not to,.... 1
amaysngrace Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Dredging up the past in an argument is not fighting fairly. It's a sign of immaturity too. Try to stick with what's bothering you right now and only right now. Try not to raise your voice or name-call either. They're considered low-blows and don't help at all to diffuse an argument. In fact, they often have the opposite effect and just make things worse. I know this wasn't the advice you were seeking but maybe you can use it next time.
mysteryscape Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 "I'm sorry" seems to go a long way with women, in my experience. Just make sure you mean it for whatever you say you are sorry for.
preraph Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 You can't agree on everything. Be sure you've both had the chance to air your feelings completely and your rationale for having them. Try to stay on topic and handle each situation separately and not wait until you boil over and then pull out six months of grievances in one argument. Once you've concluded an argument, don't keep bringing it up. Sometimes you have to just agree to disagree or you have to both compromise and neither of you get what you want and just move on. One additional note, if there is an hurtful act or argument recently in the air, don't always expect women to still want to have sex. Men are more compartmentalized, generally speaking, but women have to have their brains and feelings lined up before their body gets on board, generally speaking. Once you can resolve a conflict, yes, sometimes makeup sex ensues, but don't ever push it in case she's still trying to get her self equalized again.
anne1707 Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Something that can help is recognising differing arguing styles - my husband goes quiet and sullen (he know that ) and takes a long time to calm down whereas I can blow very quickly (and easily ) and also calm down very quickly. Over the years, I have learnt to control my temper a lot more and he has learnt to open up more. The result is that we don't have silly arguments plus we both appreciate that the other is working towards not having an argument. Our arguing styles were opposites which created conflict by default. Now we aim for a middle ground which is healthier and happier.
GemmaUK Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Seriously and honestly thinking about and respecting the other person's point of view and then talking about it. Seeing it from their side and not being stubborn. Also, having an agreement that once sorted the rules are defined for the future - have an agreement. Then have make up sex...obviously!
d0nnivain Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 It takes two to tango. Even if I didn't start the fight, there is usually something I can apologize for. So I do . . . sincerely & calmly. I reinforce that I love the other person & I work to talk about what caused the problem if I don't already know.
Author Otter2569 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 Amasyn, we don't dredge up the past. I meant that we both have had bad past experiences (disfunctional relationships / divorce) and sometimes our actions or words can trigger a response and put us in one of those fight or flight modes. Plus like Anne said, we have very different fighting styles. We are getting way better at this but want to try and find a way to diffuse the situation sooner. We recognize that we say hurtful things when we are angry and dont want that to continue.
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 One thing I always mean to try out is instigate a rule that when we start fighting, we get straight into bed and snuggle while we talk it out. I know I know, easier said than done! It's just so many arguments in relationships seem to start from nothing and spiral into madness, and it's really hard to be mad at someone when you're laid in each other's arms. It makes it a much more intimate conversation and more loving. Having said that, we argue so rarely (maybe... two or three times in a year? I dunno) that I haven't had chance to put that into place because we just barely argue. I've had relationships where we argued like every week or two, majorly, and this is such a breath of fresh air. But I think yes, as long as you haven't really upset or insulted the other person, then maybe something like that could work. Or when one of you says a certain word or acknowledges that 'this has become an argument' there's some kind of physical touch. Even if it's just holding hands while you finish it off haha.
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