sjlee3029 Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Love shack forums help please! Me and my bf have been dating for 7 months. I think I might be in love with him but this is only my third serious relationship and I never said I love you with my exes so Im not positive but it feels soooo different with my current bf now. The problem is I'm not sure if he loves me back!!! He acts like it most of the time treating me really sweetly and affectionately and introducing me to his friends and always making plans both for now and for like a month or so away. I've been dropping the L word casually to try and see his reaction just things like "I love when you say/do that" or "I love your shirt" and so on. He didn't seemed freaked out and responded positively with a thanks. Last time I saw him though we were on his computer and a friend facebook chatted him and I saw part of their previous conversation before he could close it (I wasn't snooping we were sitting there and I just saw) and he has said "she (as in me) keeps dropping the l word and it's making me uncomfortable" I know it's probably too soon to tell him I love him but do you think he's just afraid or not ready to say ily or do you think he actually just doesn't love me? He's been in past relationships but to my knowledge they weren't too serious. I don't want to waste my time with someone who will never love me but we are both younger (Im 23 he's 24) so it's not like this needs to be a relationship that lasts forever. What should I do?! Help!
evanescentworld Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Why don't you ask him: "Does my dropping the 'L' word make you feel uncomfortable? And if so, why?" Sometimes, asking a whole bunch of strangers for an insight into a world only you are familiar with, isn't the best approach. Sometimes, you have to take the bull by the horns and dig. In your shoes, I would want to know if I'm onto a good thing, or basically on a hiding to nothing and setting up for heartbreak. Dammit girl, find your spine and ask him. By now, he really should have a handle on his feelings and affections....!
WonderWoman911 Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 I would basically stop using the "L" word since you've seen evidence that when you say that word it makes him uncomfortable. It may be too early for him to have that feeling for you right now. If things are going well between the two you of you now, then know that it's possible that things will escalate for him to get to that point. I'm sure he cares a lot about you, but 'love', he may not have that feeling right now. If he's a great guy, just enjoy him and the person that he is. Everything else will fall into place when the time is right. But you don't want to scare him off.
d0nnivain Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 I think your initial idea to drop the word in innocuous settings was good one. Sadly it isn't working the way you want . . . it's making him uncomfortable. So now you have 2 choices: 1). you can stop saying the L word & smother your own feelings or 2). you can take the bull by the horns & talk to your BF. You are both old enough to have a mature conversation.
salparadise Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Does he not ever express how he feels about you? Perhaps he views ILU as a monumental step... almost equivalent to a proposal or something? But still, at seven months in I would think you would've heard something equivalent, such as I adore you, etc. If he avoids any expression of that nature, especially if it's important to you that the relationship is progressing, then you may have a guy who is closed off emotionally. I'd say at seven months it's time to figure out where you stand. And given what you say him say on the computer, I'd consider rocking the boat a little and make him say what needs to be said, for better or worse. That is if it's important to you, of course.
Author sjlee3029 Posted December 31, 2014 Author Posted December 31, 2014 (edited) Wow thanks yall! I know the smart thing to do is talk to him but as wonderwoman said I don't want to scare him off and I think if he's already not comfortable me casually saying love that he will definitely be scared if I talk to him about it!! Things have been going well for the most part but to answer your question salparadise he rarely expresses how he feels. He tells me I look pretty sometimes and says he misses me (although I usually say it first) but he rarely flat out says "I like you" or anything like that. Saying ILY is a pretty big deal to me to especially because I've never said it so I'm pretty scared that he won't reciprocate. TBH I'm not positive I'm ready to say it either but I'm wondering if other people on this forum have had similar experiences! Like been with a guy for 6/7 months never heard ILY and then heard it later or found out the guy never wanted to be in love with them? likeee if he doesn't feel it now does that mean he never will? Edited December 31, 2014 by sjlee3029
salparadise Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 I'm not positive I'm ready to say it either but I'm wondering if other people on this forum have had similar experiences! Like been with a guy for 6/7 months never heard ILY and then heard it later or found out the guy never wanted to be in love with them? likeee if he doesn't feel it now does that mean he never will? No, I don't think you can make such sweeping assumptions as it means he never will. However, and this is just my experience as opposed to a universal rule, is that by the seventh month if feelings of love have not blossomed then it's probably time to cut your losses and move on. I've had four exclusive relationships since being divorced. Two lasted about five months and deeper feelings never developed, ILUs were never said. Of the other two, one lasted a year and a half, and one about a year... and in both cases the feelings did develop and we said ILU well before the seventh month. The first one happened around the third month (yea, pretty quick), the second around the sixth month. But again, I caution you not to draw conclusions. My own perspective is that 5-6 months is long enough to know if love is developing or if it's just not happening. I don't want to waste my precious time on a relationship that's not going anywhere, so even if we're merely enjoying each other's company I will end it an move on... because staying in a relationship that doesn't have real depth and long-term potential obviates the possibility of finding a partner with whom I can have that. It's not easy to end it with someone that you actually do care about and are having fun with, but if you want/need more than fun and good company then it's important to realize that you have to pull the plug and take another chance in order to create that possibility. The words have different meanings to different people, so I think you have to be careful about assumptions.
Author sjlee3029 Posted December 31, 2014 Author Posted December 31, 2014 Wow hearing your perspective helped so much! I guess I'm in the same line of thought I don't want to waste my time but also my own feelings are still developing I'm not sue to could say I'm 100% in love either but I know the feelings are developing. Should I just give up or is it worth waiting it out a bit longer to see if the feelings seem to start developing more? I'm so confused!!
KatZee Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Agreed with salparadise. I've been in 4 LTRs and only loved two. In both of those situations the "I love you'is" were exchanged in 3 and 6 months.
WonderKid Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 You need to give it time. There's a difference between "having" love for someone, and "being in" love with someone. That could take a year to two years. When it comes to commitment issues, guys are at the top of the bunch. It's a natural issue for most--even if they don't know it.
evanescentworld Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 You need to give it time. There's a difference between "having" love for someone, and "being in" love with someone. That could take a year to two years. When it comes to commitment issues, guys are at the top of the bunch. It's a natural issue for most--even if they don't know it. A year to two years?? Are you kidding me? That's just ridiculous and totally unreasonable! What a waste of everyone's time, if you get to 24 months and the person STILL can't say "I love you"...! For the record, my H and I told each other within 3 weeks! 3 WEEKS!! You know1 You jus damn well know! After that, you wok to nourish, expand and keep it1 You build on it! a year to two....? No way! Sorry, but that's just unreal! 1
WonderKid Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 A year to two years?? Are you kidding me? That's just ridiculous and totally unreasonable! What a waste of everyone's time, if you get to 24 months and the person STILL can't say "I love you"...! For the record, my H and I told each other within 3 weeks! 3 WEEKS!! You know1 You jus damn well know! After that, you wok to nourish, expand and keep it1 You build on it! a year to two....? No way! Sorry, but that's just unreal! Trust me it is real. I've seen it all too well. A person can "say" I love you all they want. It could been in 3 months. Even 3 weeks. But showing it (most dominantly during the darkest times) carries more weight that. A year at most. I admit sometimes falling in love in 3 weeks could be true but where most folks fail is when they move too fast.
Teraskas Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 A year to two years?? Are you kidding me? That's just ridiculous and totally unreasonable! What a waste of everyone's time, if you get to 24 months and the person STILL can't say "I love you"...! For the record, my H and I told each other within 3 weeks! 3 WEEKS!! You know1 You jus damn well know! After that, you wok to nourish, expand and keep it1 You build on it! a year to two....? No way! Sorry, but that's just unreal! Exactly this. In all my past relationships, it took me (or her) usually around 3 weeks to a month at MOST to say it. Then again my ex wanted me to wait 2 years for sex like her last bf. I have nothing against waiting for sex, but really ? 2 years ? Seemed like she forgot I was single (and sexless) for 3 years prior to meeting her. xD
WonderKid Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 I'm just different. I don't throw that word around like that. It's got too much weight behind it. No way am I saying it in 3 weeks or a month. I don't even really know her yet. Unless we spent ever millisecond together or something. It's just, in my mind, an irresponsible thing for me to do. If that's the case, you minds well start planning a wedding in no time. Like, you minds well put a ring on it two months later.
evanescentworld Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Trust me it is real. I've seen it all too well. A person can "say" I love you all they want. It could been in 3 months. Even 3 weeks. And if they say it, they must feel it, right? But showing it (most dominantly during the darkest times) carries more weight that. A year at most. Wrong. By the time the dark times come, it's that already-established love which carries people through. That love already has to exist, be present, evident and very much to the fore, to make people STICK TOGETHER through thick and thin. This is why marriage vows aren't worth the paper they're written on. Everyone says the 'For Richer for poorer' schpiel, parrot-fashion, but very few actually carry it through, which means that for them, the shine has gone, the love has waned and the feeling is no longer there. I admit sometimes falling in love in 3 weeks could be true but where most folks fail is when they move too fast. Not so. 'Most folks fail' when they don't put in the work.
WonderKid Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 And if they say it, they must feel it, right? Wrong. By the time the dark times come, it's that already-established love which carries people through. That love already has to exist, be present, evident and very much to the fore, to make people STICK TOGETHER through thick and thin. I do agree with that. But what I was trying to imply is that when you are at a low or at your lowest you truly find out who loves you for real. It's asinine. So when a person who dated for 3 weeks minimum, when you say "I Love You" basically you are implying that you cannot live without that person. You'll do anything to hold on to them. You won't know that in no 3 weeks. If you 'think' you do, you are lying to yourself. And when you aren't true to yourself, you're lying to everyone else. Love is not a word to be played with. Not in 3 weeks. Like I said, if you are in love after dating in 3 weeks, you should start planning a wedding very soon.
evanescentworld Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Why does it follow that people 'should plan a wedding' just because they're in love? Why should it follow that if people are in love, they must automatically plan marriage? Current H and I were together 7 years, before tying the knot. And that was for purely financial reasons and practical purposes....
WonderKid Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Because society (majority women) implement that. You are in love? So why not tie the knot. And if you are hesitant on tying the knot, then you are doubting your love. "Me" personally, I don't think marriage is the stamp of approval. But that is how it is presented. Which is why love is a strong word.
evanescentworld Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 No. Unlike Sinatra, I disagree; Love and Marriage are not mutually exclusive.
WonderKid Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Many marriages are not for the good intentions. Sometimes it's never about love. I just broke up with an ex. She wanted "The Whole Nine Yards" in two years. And wanted me to basically change my life. I didn't even love her. So the breakup was mutual and responsible.
WonderKid Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 And 7 years to get married? That's original. Most women would not have wanted that long. But you did say it was for financial reasons.
evanescentworld Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 We wouldn't be married at all, if it wasn't for that. We were - and are - still very happy, so the marriage was an academic touch. Frankly, marriage is an outdated institution, and needs serious revision. The whole thing is over-blown, over-rated and so entrenched in 18th century ideals, I'm astonished it's still clung to as any form of evidence or guarantee of a relationship's longevity. I mean, just look at the divorce rate, ffs....
WonderKid Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Well marriage now is targeted mostly to younger generations; primarily women. It is broadcasted on TV, Facebook, and other false reality settings. Every young girl wants that wedding no matter the mental costs. So many are getting married at 18. I know a girl who's 23 and has been divorced twice. That's sad. Centuries ago, marriage was for diplomatic, aristocratic, or financial ties. It was a serious deal back then if a baker wanted to marry a woman of aristocratic status. But this day and age, it's more of a fad than anything else. 1
evanescentworld Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Well marriage now is targeted mostly to younger generations; primarily women. .... Centuries ago, marriage was for diplomatic, aristocratic, or financial ties. It was a serious deal back then if a baker wanted to marry a woman of aristocratic status. But this day and age, it's more of a fad than anything else. Precisely. Seriously needs review.
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