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Boyfriend might spend New Year's Eve alone with a woman who's not me.

hellischrome

By hellischrome
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hellischrome Established Member

hellischrome

Posted
Posted

Hi all. I really need advice here, I need to understand if I am overeacting or what.

 

My BF (we both live in another country, been together 2 years on and off) is currently at home for Christmas. He hasn't much to do back home, and his bestfriends all have families/newborns and are not doing anything.

 

He has one good female friend there, she invited him to spend NYE with her & friends and he said yes (they've been friends for 10+ years, she knows about me. She is kinda involved with a guy but they're not together or anything).

 

Now, apparently the plan was to have dinner with her friends and then go out in the city - turns out plans might change and they might have dinner the two of them at her place, and then join her friends in the city. I called him to let him know how disappointed I was, and that I really hoped it was not gonna be the two of them alone at home at midnight because that would have been too much, and he replied -no, it should be fine, I think we'll have dinner and then go out, therefore we shouldn't be alone at midnight at home-.

 

I went completely nuts about it, and I yelled at him because he didn't even TRY to compromise nor take into consideration my feelings. He said if the same happened to me, he wouldn't have said a word because he trusts me.

 

I went nuts also because he has other options: stay with his younger brother and his friends, for example.

 

He hasn't planned yet, he said he will update me (I'm on a different time zone, +10 from home, therefore I will be awake at his midnight).

 

Please tell me what you think about it. I think it's completely crazy. I can't get over it.

 

At some point I pretended I had no connection and closed the call, he tried to call again and eventually sent a text saying - The connection was lost again, enjoy fireworks, I will talk to you later and update you. I love you, please be serene".

 

At the moment I am so angry I am not even planning to respond to it.

evanescentworld Established Member

evanescentworld

Posted
Posted (edited)

You really need to work on how insecure you are.

 

Overreacting doesn't even cover it.

 

Sorry, but you're doing nothing for your relationship to make it better.

If anything, you are pushing him away.

 

I went completely nuts about it, and I yelled at him because he didn't even TRY to compromise nor take into consideration my feelings.

But you don't want compromise (An agreement to meet half way and do what makes both, ok with the decision).

You want compliance.

There is no compromise in what you asked.

You told him to not do it, and he said he loves you and it will be ok, and that in reverse he would trust you.

 

Do you not trust him?

Can you not trust him to behave?

 

And don't say "No, it's HER I do not trust,

" because that doesn't make any sense.

 

She could do 100 squats, pole-dancing naked in front of him, and if he is faithful, nothing would work to make him cheat on you.

If she is successful and seduces him, then he gave in, and cheated.

 

So your trust levels are way below subterranean....

 

You need to discuss your insecurity with him, and work this out.

Edited by evanescentworld
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hellischrome Established Member

hellischrome

Posted
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Posted

Thanks for your reply - that was fast!

 

I know, I have trust issues - his past is all but clear. I also have very bad problems with self esteem. I am trying to work on them but my progress is very very slow.

 

It's not about him cheating on me, it's about him not willing to do half step in my direction. If something bothers me so much, he could try to compromise and make me happy. NYE is big for me, it's the third year we don't manage to spend it together because we both travel quite a lot.

 

I know I am pushing him away but I still feel that spending NYE with another woman, alone, at home, is not respectful. And again, it's not about cheating, it's about him saying this is what I will do. And that's it.

evanescentworld Established Member

evanescentworld

Posted
Posted
Thanks for your reply - that was fast!

 

I know, I have trust issues - his past is all but clear. I also have very bad problems with self esteem. I am trying to work on them but my progress is very very slow.

 

It's not about him cheating on me, it's about him not willing to do half step in my direction. If something bothers me so much, he could try to compromise and make me happy. NYE is big for me, it's the third year we don't manage to spend it together because we both travel quite a lot.

 

I know I am pushing him away but I still feel that spending NYE with another woman, alone, at home, is not respectful. And again, it's not about cheating, it's about him saying this is what I will do. And that's it.

What is so wrong with him doing what he wants to do, to get through New year, the way he wants?

You mention other things he could do - but if he doesn't want to do that, why should he do something he doesn't feel like doing, simply because you say so?

 

He is eating dinner with her.

he is going out afterwards with other people.

 

I re-read your post, and this stood out for me....

 

He has known her a while, it seems, but you two have been together '2 years ON AND OFF'.

 

That in itself is a red flag.

 

Something within your relationship isn't working, and causes periodic rifts.

 

I was with my ex H for 26 years, and with my current H for 10 years.

 

No 'off' anywhere.

 

It sounds as if your relationship has undercurrent, rumbling issues that have not been resolved, and if you guys are not communicating effectively, have no Respect for one another, and have Trust issues, this will never, ever work, long-term.

Communication, Trust and Respect are the three solid foundations of a relationship. The 'Tripod' which sustains the Love.

Without one of them, the other 2 cannot function effectively. And Love is not enough.

 

I think you need to take a step back, view this relationship dispassionately, and decide whether it's worth living another year on/off.

 

Think about how you want to launch 2015....

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Shepp Established Member

Shepp

Posted
Posted

You need to chill!

 

I couldn't deal with a my supposed girlfriend who supposedly is meant to trust me more than anyone behaving like I have zero moral fiber!!

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toolforgrowth Established Member

toolforgrowth

Posted
Posted

Just a little perspective.

 

I have a GF who I adore, and I hang out with other women alone all the time; one of whom used to be my FWB when I was single. I have never, and would never, touch any of them in a sexual way even if they were begging for it. And my ex FWB and I had some really hot, kinky sex too. But there is no way she could tempt me enough to jeopardize my relationship.

 

But I gotta say, if my GF behaved towards me the way you did to your BF, I would have to work a hell of a lot harder to not bang the hell out of my ex FWB just out of spite. Nobody likes a control freak.

 

You remind me a little of my ex wife, where compromise =/= actual compromise; in reality, to you compromise = just do what I say. I'm not picking on you, and I'm not saying you're even consciously aware of it. But that's how it comes across, and we men REALLY hate that.

 

If the guy has never given you any reason to doubt him, then stop doubting him.

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amaysngrace Established Member

amaysngrace

Posted
Posted

You sound controlling. Very.

 

Here's a blast from the past:

 

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coolheadal Established Member

coolheadal

Posted
Posted

See your away and that puts pressure on your more where your not there with him to ring in the New Year. Of course what you have said is the right thing for him to do. He should be willing to do what you want him to do. But since your not there a 10 plus year friend only girl has invited him to dinner for two. Well that's odd. Why would he consider going if it's just the two of them. As we all know when two are together anything can happy. They get drunk they are open minded and things can happen by mistake. To avoid all those what-if he shouldn't be there BY-HIM-SELF!

 

You may trust him but you can't his 10 plus year friend girl at all! I hope you can convince him not to go. Unless he can bring over some guy friends to keep her at their attention not your BF attention only. Your BF is not thinking about you two then too much focus going over so call friend only girl. Even if she's seeing someone you know what could happen. Again need to relax and don't yell at him. Talk calm and cool. But tell him your feeling! He should understand and back-off. He needs to do the right thing by you.

toolforgrowth Established Member

toolforgrowth

Posted
Posted
He should be willing to do what you want him to do.

 

You've got to be joking. How would you feel if your boyfriend said "You should be willing to do what I want you to do"?

 

A relationship does not give you the right to control your partner. He is his own person and doesn't live to take orders from a woman any more than you live to take orders from a man. Again, to our knowledge he hasn't given her any reason to doubt him. He even TOLD her about it when he could have kept his mouth shut and gone anyway without her knowing. Doesn't he get credit for being open and honest about what he's doing and who he's with?

 

People who try to control others are simply showing their insecurity. And this thread is riddled with it.

Ninjainpajamas Established Member

Ninjainpajamas

Posted
Posted

Well he's an idiot for telling you he was having dinner with a friend and then going out, most guys know better than that when in another country.

 

But don't worry, based on this lesson and harsh criticism of his behavior...next time he won't tell you what's going on at all.

 

You can't control what someone else does, and there needs to be some trust established. You can express how you feel without judging or condemning his behavior, and give him the option to rethink his decision...anything more than that is going to be simply controlling and only push the person to do something even more devious...when you create something that is taboo in a relationship, it tends to back fire on you sooner or later.

 

He's in another country and you have no way of knowing what's going on, I'm sure in the future, he'll be smarter about concealing something that's going on that you wouldn't approve of.

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hellischrome Established Member

hellischrome

Posted
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Posted

Thanks everyone for your replies! I love to hear different opinions, otherwise I wouldn't be able to better myself.

 

So, it's almost midnight back home (here it's the 1st of January already).

 

After our phone fight he called me again when it was midnight here (about 3 hours later), and told me he is going to have dinner at his other friend's place (all families with kids) and then join her and her friends later in the night. I asked why he decided to do so, and he said that this way his other friends were happy because they could have dinner with him, he was happy to see both the other friends and her, and all of this would have made me happy, so he was happy to make me happy. Just texted him now and he's still at dinner so won't probably make it on time to celebrate midnight with the friend.

 

We've had issues in the past with him not putting me first, especially since his ex is quite a lot around (couldn't get over the fact they're done) etc.

 

When we closed the call I texted him saying that I really appreciate what he did, not the thing itself but the value of it. He replied saying that I have to understand that he hates it when I cry and whinge, he just can't stand it.

 

I know I am insecure, and I have issues, but we managed to get a lot better and I don't want to lose what we built in these years (against his family as well, as they don't like me much).

Danda Established Member

Danda

Posted
Posted

It's also okay to assess yourself and make decisions based on your weaknesses, as well. You can try to improve yourself gradually over time, or not, but I'd never knowingly put myself in a situation that heavily triggered all of my weak spots. I also have some trust issues, myself, and there is no way in hell I would try to do a serious relationship with someone in another country. That would trigger my trust issues through the god damned roof on a regular basis. Why torture myself like that? No point to it and myself and the hypothetical partner would probably be "on and off" a lot, as well, since I'd probably wind up tripping balls on a regular basis. Sometimes it's okay and even good to acknowledge your weak spots and not torture yourself.

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hellischrome Established Member

hellischrome

Posted
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Posted

We're in different countries at the moment, he's just there for three weeks :)

evanescentworld Established Member

evanescentworld

Posted
Posted
Thanks everyone for your replies! I love to hear different opinions, otherwise I wouldn't be able to better myself.

.......

We've had issues in the past with him not putting me first, ........ I have to understand that he hates it when I cry and whinge, he just can't stand it.

 

I know I am insecure, and I have issues, but we managed to get a lot better and I don't want to lose what we built in these years (against his family as well, as they don't like me much).

 

I still recommend counselling, myself. I think you have a lot more issues to deal with than just your insecurity and issues, because your breaks would indicate an enormous problem with EFFECTIVE communication - case in point this evening.

He calls your concerns 'crying and whingeing'.... how condescending is THAT - ?!

 

Why doesn't his family like you much?

That's another stumbling block, isn't it?

preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

One thing you just have to accept is the truth that no matter of nagging and monitoring will keep a man from cheating if that is what he is going to do. And in addition to that, it will drive them to it and give them justification for doing do. So if you can't be rational about it OR if you don't have information indicating this is, in fact, just a platonic friend because he's being coy about it, at least recall the reality that you can't stop him and he will either do it and leave or do it and come back or not do it but that's he's more likely to do it if he's getting the negative impact from you with or without doing it.

MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted
Hi all. I really need advice here, I need to understand if I am overeacting or what.

 

My BF (we both live in another country, been together 2 years on and off) is currently at home for Christmas. He hasn't much to do back home, and his bestfriends all have families/newborns and are not doing anything.

 

He has one good female friend there, she invited him to spend NYE with her & friends and he said yes (they've been friends for 10+ years, she knows about me. She is kinda involved with a guy but they're not together or anything).

 

Now, apparently the plan was to have dinner with her friends and then go out in the city - turns out plans might change and they might have dinner the two of them at her place, and then join her friends in the city. I called him to let him know how disappointed I was, and that I really hoped it was not gonna be the two of them alone at home at midnight because that would have been too much, and he replied -no, it should be fine, I think we'll have dinner and then go out, therefore we shouldn't be alone at midnight at home-.

 

I went completely nuts about it, and I yelled at him because he didn't even TRY to compromise nor take into consideration my feelings. He said if the same happened to me, he wouldn't have said a word because he trusts me.

 

I went nuts also because he has other options: stay with his younger brother and his friends, for example.

 

He hasn't planned yet, he said he will update me (I'm on a different time zone, +10 from home, therefore I will be awake at his midnight).

 

Please tell me what you think about it. I think it's completely crazy. I can't get over it.

 

At some point I pretended I had no connection and closed the call, he tried to call again and eventually sent a text saying - The connection was lost again, enjoy fireworks, I will talk to you later and update you. I love you, please be serene".

 

At the moment I am so angry I am not even planning to respond to it.

 

If he wanted to cheat he'd just have opted not to tell you about the dinner.

 

He's in another country if he really wants to cheat he could be doing that everyday and you'd not know about it.

 

He and this girl have been friends for over 10 years....if he wanted her it probably would have happened already and again if he's letting you know of the plans it's most likely to be transparent and because no such thing is going through his mind.

 

While I wouldn't make it a habit to be having one on one dinners with male friends, in reality that's not going to lead to cheating if I'm happy in my relationship so I don't think differently when it comes on to my SO. This obviously wasn't premeditated and I think you should trust him on this and don't allow your insecurities to get the better of you.

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hellischrome Established Member

hellischrome

Posted
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He would never plan it in advance - but it happened to him in previous relationships that he cheated on his ex, more than once. I know I should trust him until he does something bad to me, but I am a very anxious person and I just can't get over some things.

 

When I expressed my feelings on the phone yesterday I broke down in tears (it's a behaviour I learnt long ago, I still cry if someone-anyone yells at me or if I am very uncomfortable), from there on he started being really annoyed, and said I am boring and I will never change. I told him that it was no way to react and he told me to **ck off. He only calmed down after a while and said he was sorry. After that as you know he texted to be serene, called at my midnight, then I called him at his midnight and we stayed on the phone quite a while.

 

I know that my anxiety is doing nothing but driving him away - it's been like that since the beginning, hence why we've been on and off. I tried teraphy and quit after a while when I thought I was doing better (huge mistake).

 

I can't help but being influenced by what happens with him. On our phone call at his midnight he told he was gonna drive to the nearby city to go clubbing with his friend (the girl), I sent him a last message when it was 2am for him, he read my message (it was a picture) but never replied. He didn't even let me know if he was home safe or what and it's now 5am for him. I texted him not to drive and drink, and that if he was drunk or tired he would have been better to crash on her couch. Never got a replied for that either.

 

And I know I will be in pain until he wakes up in 6 or 7 hours and gets back to me.

 

I am really sad, I feel so hopeless that I can't enjoy anything anymore.

evanescentworld Established Member

evanescentworld

Posted
Posted

Write a list - 2 in fact.

2 columns.

 

"What is so wonderful about this relationship that nourishes and fulfills me?" is the heading to one column, and the second heading, reads -

 

"What about this relationship unnerves me, makes me feel insecure and reduces me to a heap of sadness?"

 

And then, dispassionately, write down what your heart feels (which is a bit of a contradiction, but I think you get what I mean.....)!

 

If the feeling you constantly have is one of emptiness, then you need to be on your own, you need to work on yourself and you need to do it without someone who thinks it's ok to abuse you over the 'phone like that.

 

I know I'm doing a 180 in my words to you, but the more you add, the more you contribute, the more I think you may have a point. And that point is heading away form him.

He is definitely NOT the best you can do, and he is definitely not seeing to your interests....

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hellischrome Established Member

hellischrome

Posted
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Posted

Evanescentworld, your posts are so interesting to me. I do think that's verbal abuse, on the other hand I do know that sometimes I really bring him to exasperation (sorry, I hope it makes sense in English...). But then I think, I did have people who took out the worst of me, and I've never been that verbally abusive.

 

When we are together he makes me so happy, he is attentive, and devoted. He does every possible act of service - cooks dinner after my exhausting sport trainings, put my mobile in charge even if I don't even realise is running out of battery, came to terms with the fact that I need a lot of communication, therefore he has to deals with it, and many other little things.

 

Yet, when he feels that I am attacking him (as in: telling him if he does something wrong, telling him he disappointed me, telling him that something is his fault), he is not able to communicate and shuts down completely. He just texted to say he was sorry but his mobile turned off and he came back home at 6.30 in the morning (he was out partying for NYE).

 

On the other hand, I am super anxious (always been), recently my parents traveled here in the Pacific to see me for Christmas and I didn't sleep until they got here safely (2 nights).

 

I am reading a bit about anxious attachment and I am thinking that working on myself is the only way to fix my relationships with everyone. But I am not sure I want to give up what I have now with him. I am very confused, I know I'm not in a mentally happy place and I want to fight and to better myself, but sometimes it feels to much to take.

evanescentworld Established Member

evanescentworld

Posted
Posted

Ok.

I will merely put it this way.

 

You working on yourself is commendable.

But if he doesn't work on HIMSELF - then all your effort will merely bring you to a point of exhaustion.

 

Let me clarify.

 

You own 50% of this relationship.

HE owns 50% of this relationship.

 

You are 100% responsible for your half of the commitment.

He is 100% responsible for his half of the commitment.

 

If one person commits to only 60% responsibility, the other person cannot make up the missing 40%.

 

Can't be done.

 

Too much to ask.

 

When he comes home you have to find out just how much he is committed to making you guys really work out. For the long run, in the long-term.

Because if he states that he is in 100%, but won't commit to developing sustaining and cultivating that (and I'm thinking counselling here), then you have to seriously question just what you're working for.

 

I know you do this for you - and rightly so. But if he's not willing to look at his half of the deck of cards, then that's being stacked against you, right there...

loveboid Established Member

loveboid

Posted
Posted

I think your relationship is doomed. Lack of high quality communication, not this yelling, cursing, crying, whining, controlling is the death knell of divorce. He says it's boring and he's right.

 

I think you need to let him go. One of you keeps holding on to this death trap and I think it's you. I would get into counseling to find out how to communicate better in a loving manner.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted
I think your relationship is doomed. Lack of high quality communication, not this yelling, cursing, crying, whining, controlling is the death knell of divorce. He says it's boring and he's right.

 

I think you need to let him go. One of you keeps holding on to this death trap and I think it's you. I would get into counseling to find out how to communicate better in a loving manner.

 

Sorry I agree here...

 

That and the fact you say his family doesn't like you. Why do they not like you very much?

MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted
He would never plan it in advance - but it happened to him in previous relationships that he cheated on his ex, more than once. I know I should trust him until he does something bad to me, but I am a very anxious person and I just can't get over some things.

 

When I expressed my feelings on the phone yesterday I broke down in tears (it's a behaviour I learnt long ago, I still cry if someone-anyone yells at me or if I am very uncomfortable), from there on he started being really annoyed, and said I am boring and I will never change. I told him that it was no way to react and he told me to **ck off. He only calmed down after a while and said he was sorry. After that as you know he texted to be serene, called at my midnight, then I called him at his midnight and we stayed on the phone quite a while.

 

I know that my anxiety is doing nothing but driving him away - it's been like that since the beginning, hence why we've been on and off. I tried teraphy and quit after a while when I thought I was doing better (huge mistake).

 

I can't help but being influenced by what happens with him. On our phone call at his midnight he told he was gonna drive to the nearby city to go clubbing with his friend (the girl), I sent him a last message when it was 2am for him, he read my message (it was a picture) but never replied. He didn't even let me know if he was home safe or what and it's now 5am for him. I texted him not to drive and drink, and that if he was drunk or tired he would have been better to crash on her couch. Never got a replied for that either.

 

And I know I will be in pain until he wakes up in 6 or 7 hours and gets back to me.

 

I am really sad, I feel so hopeless that I can't enjoy anything anymore.

 

 

I believe that there are two kinds of insecurity personally. One because of our own issues and one because of how the other person behaves which triggers or spidey senses where we know something is wrong or know deep down the relationship is wrong but we stay and then we're just on high alert all the time. I think in some relationships we can experience one or the other or a combination of both, where its our own insecurities as well as this person behaving in off ways that also triggers that.

 

Couples have arguments but for me, if a man tells me to "f()ck off" or calls me out of my name, there is no going back. I have been angry in relationships but have NEVER done that. If your boyfriend has a history of cheating and also acts in this way perhaps it is not just your own insecurities but you're also responding to anxieties and worries that may be warranted.

 

I don't think you're all to blame here and while you should continue to work on yourself I think you guys may be very ill-suited to each other.

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