DaisyDew Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 I've thought I've been coping relatively well with my recent break up which happened 3 months ago, just plodding along with things and vaguely keeping my head above water. But I just went on Facebook and a picture of him popped up which a girl had posted of him wishing him a happy birthday (I de friended him a while ago though). It really caught me off guard and my heart just sank and little pit feeling in my stomach opened up again. We were together 4 years and the break up happened out of the blue, he barely gave me any reasons why. Just wondering how you guys cope when things like this happen and a catch you off guard? How can I control them or remind myself not to respond so emotionally to just a photo - more than anything I want to be over him fully, but I still have a few ties which I'm struggling to break and I'm not sure why! Thanks xx Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 You will be better at coping when you stop looking at his profile online. It reminds me of someone who wants to quit smoking. The minute you smoke that cigarette thinking "just one", you're back to square one. Throw you "pack" away. There is no such thing as "just a small peek". 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Light Breeze Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 You will be better at coping when you stop looking at his profile online. It reminds me of someone who wants to quit smoking. The minute you smoke that cigarette thinking "just one", you're back to square one. Throw you "pack" away. There is no such thing as "just a small peek". Agree.. Love and heartbreak is akin to addiction. You'll go to a withdrawal stage once it's gone and the only way to truly "cleanse" yourself is to remove any stimuli connected to it. Been doing complete and utter NC for probably a month now, and it's helping big time. Discipline is the key. Stay strong sister 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DaisyDew Posted December 31, 2014 Author Share Posted December 31, 2014 The funny thing is I wasn't on his profile though! We have friends in common and it was a girl I'm friends with who posted this photo and it was slap bang at the top of my news feed urgh! I'm so ready to leave this all behind in 2014, I just hope I can :/ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 Then I'd think what the heck is wrong with your "friend". Time to make new friends? If one of my girlfriends was to break up with her long term boyfriend, the last thing I'd do is post a pic of the new gal for her to see. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie007 Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 When I was going through my breakup I deactivated my facebook account. It was the perfect thing to do. Sure you can easily go in an re activate it later, but those few extra steps gave me time to really think if I wanted to risk all my progress. It's been almost a year and a half and my account is still deactivated. It was the best thing I've ever done. It got me away from all the drama and "fake" happiness of others. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Light Breeze Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 ^^^^ Did this too. FB deactivated for three months now. I did this for two reasons First, to avoid getting new info about her and her new squeeze. Second, to avoid seeing happy people . I think i would be more susceptible to melancholia seeing these people. I have more control over my healing and coping mechanism without social media imo. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DaisyDew Posted December 31, 2014 Author Share Posted December 31, 2014 Thanks everyone, I never really thought about deactivating my account. I suppose I could give it a go. It's always hard to remember that you're never alone with these feelings haha. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DaisyDew Posted December 31, 2014 Author Share Posted December 31, 2014 I was beginning to not expect a reply, but this afternoon I got an email from him replying to my letter which I wrote to just get closure on my part. I just thanked him for some lovely memories, and for him being there when I went through some crap times and his support. He replied in the same happy friendly way that I wrote the letter, and he said how he would love to catch up properly one day, and that he 'doesn't want to be cut off from me'. He broke up with me 3 months ago, out of the blue, after 4 happy years together. Naturally I've found it hard but I've tried to remain as strong as possible, and sent the letter last week to just clear the air for myself to move on, his reply took me aback, but it was a big relief too in a weird way? It also feels like I can now use New Years to leave this in the past to move on I would love to speak to him to catch up like he said in his email, but is it still too soon? How long should I leave it? We've been NC for about 2 and a half months. Would it be a bad idea to respond to his email at all? Thanks all! Xxx Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 It also feels like I can now use New Years to leave this in the past to move on I would love to speak to him to catch up like he said in his email, but is it still too soon? How long should I leave it? We've been NC for about 2 and a half months. Would it be a bad idea to respond to his email at all? Thanks all! Xxx Most times there's a motive when dumpees send these types of emails. It's done because they hope to entice a response. It's a break-up. Treat it as such. If you meant the words in your email, as in your need for closure, that would mean closing the door -- moving on, healing and refocusing. You received your closure. There is no more need to respond and start a back and forth. At the end of the day he's detached from you and contact doesn't affect him emotionally as much as it will do to you. When you've reached a point of indifference, when meeting up isn't going to make you question your ability to do so or the need to post on a forum, then you most likely can manage contact without expectation. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 I've thought I've been coping relatively well with my recent break up which happened 3 months ago, just plodding along with things and vaguely keeping my head above water. But I just went on Facebook and a picture of him popped up which a girl had posted of him wishing him a happy birthday (I de friended him a while ago though). It really caught me off guard and my heart just sank and little pit feeling in my stomach opened up again. We were together 4 years and the break up happened out of the blue, he barely gave me any reasons why. Just wondering how you guys cope when things like this happen and a catch you off guard? How can I control them or remind myself not to respond so emotionally to just a photo - more than anything I want to be over him fully, but I still have a few ties which I'm struggling to break and I'm not sure why! Thanks xx This is why you need to stay NC. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DaisyDew Posted December 31, 2014 Author Share Posted December 31, 2014 Hi Zahara thanks for your replies, would it also be a bad idea to reply to his email now saying that I need a longer period of time of no contact? Or could I send a short n sweet to the point reply stating this to end the conversation as it were? Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 (edited) I was beginning to not expect a reply, but this afternoon I got an email from him replying to my letter which I wrote to just get closure on my part. I just thanked him for some lovely memories, and for him being there when I went through some crap times and his support. He replied in the same happy friendly way that I wrote the letter, and he said how he would love to catch up properly one day, and that he 'doesn't want to be cut off from me'. He broke up with me 3 months ago, out of the blue, after 4 happy years together. Naturally I've found it hard but I've tried to remain as strong as possible, and sent the letter last week to just clear the air for myself to move on, his reply took me aback, but it was a big relief too in a weird way? It also feels like I can now use New Years to leave this in the past to move on I would love to speak to him to catch up like he said in his email, but is it still too soon? How long should I leave it? We've been NC for about 2 and a half months. Would it be a bad idea to respond to his email at all? Thanks all! Xxx If you do respond, wait a while. For at least as long as it took for him to get back to you. It's not a game, you just shouldn't be so available to him. Ya know? I think it's too soon to start talking to him. 2 and a half months is nothing. Go at least 6. If you just can't stand it, keep it really light, casual and don't mention anything about the RS. The past is the past. Try to avoid lovey dovey talk and under no circumstances can you sleep with him!!! Best of luck to you! Happy New Year! Edited December 31, 2014 by me85 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 Hi Zahara thanks for your replies, would it also be a bad idea to reply to his email now saying that I need a longer period of time of no contact? Or could I send a short n sweet to the point reply stating this to end the conversation as it were? This is a power play. Don't play this game. Please, just leave this alone for now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RedButton Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 I think it's up to you. Be brutally honest with yourself, if you see him will you get upset? If he says something about seeing someone new, will it hurt you? If that's a yes, then tell him you need more time and take as much time as you need. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 Hi Zahara thanks for your replies, would it also be a bad idea to reply to his email now saying that I need a longer period of time of no contact? Or could I send a short n sweet to the point reply stating this to end the conversation as it were? There is no need to reply. Isn't this the guy that dumped you out of nowhere and then came back and messed with your head with contact? That was in November and here you are again breaking NC and again, it's now toying with your head. You sent that email for closure, it wasn't communication to let him know that you need more time for NC. Closure means closing the door. It's an ending. Let it be. There is no need to let him know how you will be moving forward from this point onwards. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 Don't let the past walk into your present with its muddy boots on. Let the past be the past. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 I think that until you get to a place of true neutrality; e.g. your romantic feelings have completely subsided and there are zero romantic ones left it will be too soon. A couple months for a 4 year relationship? Sounds way too soon to be completely healed and moved on. Really, you probably would not have written that letter at all if you had moved on. This sounds like opening a door to dissapointment and further pain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 Everyone has given you good advice about deactivating, etc. It is so important that you be kind to yourself and not throw any "emotional assaults" in your direction. Feeling bad can become addictive. As odd as that sounds.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FromShinge Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 Hi, It's not pathetic at all. It's only natural. I am going through an exactly same. You have been doing great for a few month to cope with it. I wish I could say anything better to make you feel better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Holmes85 Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 DaisyDew, Your break up is quite fresh. It is going to take time to heal, 3 months in terms of healing is just a start, but I promise you if you keep yourself motivated you would be in a different state of mind and place than you are now. In order to make progression, you should be willing to do what's necessary, you should defriend your Ex from all social websites, the worse has already happened, there is no point in torturing yourself more. Remove everything that reminds you of him and keep it somewhere you don't have easily access to me. Trust me if your Ex at some point in the future wants you back, you can re-add him everywhere, till that day, you need to defriend him everywhere, you need to look strong now. Defriending your ex and not paying attention to whatever he's doing is going to make you look much stronger like you don't care anymore and you are moving on forward with your life and it also conveys the message that you don't need him in order to feel happy. I say you keep working on yourself and make some positive changes in your life and trust me you would be in a far better mental state than you are in right now and who knows you might not feel the same about him anymore or find someone that's actually a lot better and appreicates you the same way as you do. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 ^^^^ Did this too. FB deactivated for three months now. I did this for two reasons First, to avoid getting new info about her and her new squeeze. Second, to avoid seeing happy people . I think i would be more susceptible to melancholia seeing these people. I have more control over my healing and coping mechanism without social media imo. ^^^ I did this too. Haven't missed it at all! Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 Weren't you posting just this morning about some picture on Facebook? Seriously, as Zahara and I already said, leave it alone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 Said it before and I'll say it again, "Closure comes from within oneself." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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