Dating Break Up - Conflicting Messages

[Suppin]

OK, this is a long story because I am incapable of keeping thing short. Even if I casually text friends it's a shock if it costs me less than three texts! So bear with me. Here goes:

 

About five months ago I met a girl on an online dating site. She seemed really nice, so I started dating her. On the second date she went on about how she hates lying and is always honest, which I thought was fantastic as I've had my fair share of liars and I'm sick of them. I later ended up making a move on that date, but she told me that it was too soon and she wanted to get to know me better first.

 

Anyway, she's a Ph.D student and she failed a piece of work, so she had to redo it, which pushed the third date back by a couple of weeks for her to finish it. After our third date she found out that she failed the piece of work again and she was worried that she wasn't focusing enough on her studies, so we started seeing each other once a month or so because she told me that she was really busy and didn't have much free time at all.

 

I obviously didn't make a move on the third date because she said it was too soon on the second. Then I did nothing on the fourth because I knew I wouldn't see her for a month, so I thought it seemed pointless starting anything. On the fifth date I didn't really have a chance, but I decided I would either make another move or, if I didn't get the chance, have a talk with her about our future on the sixth no matter what.

 

So for the sixth date we went to the cinema together. She was sat really awkwardly in there, holding a bottle of water in both her hands, which she had placed on the armrest on the opposite side of me. So it was impossible for me to make any sort of move. I began to suspect that something was off at this point.

 

Afterwards we went for dinner. I decided not to say anything in case maybe a chance to make a move arose after the meal when we were heading back home. But then after the meal, while we were still in the restaurant, she asked me how I felt about the big three questions. Marriage, kids and divorce. So I gave my answers, then asked her for hers.

 

So for marriage I was honest and said that as I wasn't religious, marriage wasn't important to me because I thought there were better ways to show someone that you love them than having a piece of paper that says you're married, but I would still get married in the right circumstances. Then she asked me when I wanted to be married by. I told her that it wasn't something I had a set time on and it would happen when it felt right. She said that marriage is important to her because in Chinese culture, women who aren't married by 30 are undesirable, so she has to get married before then, otherwise she might end up alone. So then I said that I thought she wanted to stay in the UK, since that's what she told me before. Then she said that she wanted to but, because of visa issues, she might not be able to. Like if she lost her job, she would have to go back to China. So I said that she shouldn't worry about that and if she wanted to stay she should try, because things might work out.

 

For kids and divorce we both gave the same answers.

 

Then after that she started talking about Chinese culture and how she has to get married, have a kid and not get divorced and that in her country she doesn't really have a choice when it comes to these matters. So I told her that she should do things because she wants to rather than because she feels obligated to and I said that she can do what she wants if she's living in the UK.

 

Then she told me that she didn't want to waste my time because she might not be in the UK in two years time because her parents don't have any other children, so she feels like she should be thinking about them and what they want rather than herself and what she wants.

 

She then told me that if she was 21 and not 25, she'd have given a relationship with me a chance, but she needs to focus on her studies. She told me that she still want to be friends with me and asked if I was feeling OK, so I said yes.

 

We then left the restaurant and I spoke about things with her. I asked if she ever saw us going anywhere and she didn't say anything for about 15-20 seconds before saying that she liked me and I'm really nice, but she thinks I would be better off with someone who likes football and concerts.

 

So then we departed and as I was travelling back home (four hour walk due to no public transport running that day) I started going over what had just happened in my head and I kind of noticed some things that I hadn't noticed when she initially told me as, being a guy, all I heard at the time was 'This relationship isn't happening'.

 

When I looked back on the reasons she actually gave me for not being in a relationship with me, I noticed something.

 

1. I don't want to waste YOUR time because I might not be in the UK in two years.

 

2. I need to focus on my studies.

 

3. I think YOU would be better off with someone else.

 

Two of those are about ME and my feelings. Not hers. The other one is the only one that isn't, but we'd been seeing each other once a month anyway and I would have been fine with things continuing like that. It's not like there wouldn't have been times where she would have been able to see me more frequently as she still gets time off.

 

I also noticed that she had basically told me that she liked me twice:

 

'If I was 21 and not 25, I'd have given a relationship with you a chance'

 

'I like you, but I think you would be better off with someone else'

 

I also thought it was strange that she decided to ask me about marriage, children and divorce RIGHT BEFORE ending things with me. Those are not the kind of questions you ask somebody you are just about to finish things with. I began to wonder if she had misunderstood my response to marriage and assumed that as it wasn't important to me and it was to her, I would never marry her, which would have made continuing to pursue things with me pointless.

 

I asked from friends for their opinion, without telling them what I thought and they were all either really confused by her behaviour, or reached the same conclusion as I had about the issue being about my response to marriage, although they still found it unusual that she didn't tell me the reason.

 

So the next day I decided to send her a text asking if we could talk about it, because I was feeling really confused about what happened. Anyway, she sent a text back that said the following:

 

'I'm truly sorry about yesterday. I shouldn't have agreed to go to the movie with you in the first place. That was really wrong of me. (basically because I paid for her to see it). Because we haven't spent much time together or spoken about our feelings, I thought you just wanted to be friends. I didn't mean to upset you. I am really stupid. Please forgive me. You have a warm heart and I wish you all the best'

 

So then I was even more confused because that sounds like she never liked me to begin with, when yesterday she basically told me that she did twice.

 

So, even though I should probably have left it at this point, I replied saying that that yesterday she told me that she liked me, but now it sounded like she was never interested at all and that now I was feeling even more confused because she was giving me more conflicting information. I mentioned how the two of us knew we were dating at the start, but it sounded like now she didn't think we were dating at all. Then I explained that I didn't think we should continue to be friends because when one person likes the other, but isn't liked back, it never works and I know that from experience since I have been on both sides of it before and it is never fun.

 

She then sent me a text back that said this:

 

'I'm really sorry. I hesitated a lot (about what?) and I'm also confused (about what?), but I have made the decision. You are right. Friendship is not an option. I am sorry. I wish you all the best.'

 

So does anybody understand why she ended things?

 

It clearly isn't the marriage thing and it seems like because of all the conflicting information, she's lied to me about the reasons. I'm not going to get an answer from her and that's what sucks the most because all I can do is speculate about it, but nothing seems to make sense. I'd like to just leave this in the past, but I'm finding it hard to do so without closure. It just feels as though there are so many different possibilities here.

 

Also, does anybody understand the most recent text of hers? I have no idea what she's talking about in the second sentence. Don't worry, I know not to reply to it and I will not do so under any circumstances.

[evanescentworld]

Why she ended things?

 

Really?

 

I hate to tell you, but the answer is glaringly simple.

 

You don't 'fit' into her ideal.

You don't float her boat.

There's nothing complicated about this: it may well be a clash of cultures, (I suspect there's a quite a bit in that) but frankly, you don't rock her world and she's just not THAT into you.

 

Don't read any more into it than you need to.

She considers you incompatible.

[newlyborn]

have you been dating others over the 5 months of seeing her only once per month? it seems that you thought more was happening than what was. she was treating you as someone she was barely/sporadically dating and a potential friend while you were treating her as someone on the road to being your girlfriend.

 

also, those questions about marriage, the future, kids are not always decisive. it's part of how people make conversation and get to know you. i wouldn't assume that your answers were wrong, per se. if she had felt strong interest, your answers wouldn't have mattered too much this early on.

 

i also think that her failures at school derailed things in that you became less of a priority as time went on. it's really not your fault. this just wasn't happening.

[coolheadal]

At lease you know that's you can't even be friends with her. Need to move on. She doesn't want anything to do with you. Why this gone on so long like it has and you doing your best to make it work. But she's on a Visa and if her grades don't show better results she'll end up back in China. What the little quiz she gave you a test. But your answers weren't what she was hoping they would be. If you were okay about marriage she could marry you and stay in UK. But you didn't want to get married and it was just a piece of paper but she needs that paper to stay in UK.

 

But the rest of that she has text you is really uncalled for but that's what she trying to let you down easy and not hurt you. So out of respect for you because who you are it did what she did and say what she did to you her way. You must have been very nice to her. But that's not what she needs now to stay in UK. Best to wake-up and really see this girl is not into you nor did she love you. It's about her and the both of you. Again she's made her mind up and you can't change it. Really no one can.

Edited December 31, 2014 by coolheadal

[Diezel]

OK, this is a long story because I am incapable of keeping thing short. Even if I casually text friends it's a shock if it costs me less than three texts! So bear with me. Here goes:

 

About five months ago I met a girl on an online dating site. She seemed really nice, so I started dating her. On the second date she went on about how she hates lying and is always honest, which I thought was fantastic as I've had my fair share of liars and I'm sick of them. I later ended up making a move on that date, but she told me that it was too soon and she wanted to get to know me better first.

 

Anyway, she's a Ph.D student and she failed a piece of work, so she had to redo it, which pushed the third date back by a couple of weeks for her to finish it. After our third date she found out that she failed the piece of work again and she was worried that she wasn't focusing enough on her studies, so we started seeing each other once a month or so because she told me that she was really busy and didn't have much free time at all.

 

 

I stopped right here.

 

She tells you she hates liars and she is always honest. Buddy, she's a Ph.D student. I have a relative who is a medical doctor and even with 16 hour shifts at the minimum, she finds time to get together with her boyfriend.

 

She's lying to you and isn't being honest.

 

If she was really that into you from the get go, she wouldn't need 1 date a month.

 

Case closed, move on.

[Suppin]

Why she ended things?

 

Really?

 

I hate to tell you, but the answer is glaringly simple.

 

You don't 'fit' into her ideal.

You don't float her boat.

she's just not THAT into you.

I agree with that. But if you're about to finish things with somebody, why would you ask them about marriage literally five minutes before? That is an extremely odd thing to do by anyone's standards.

 

If you're not interested in a relationship with someone it's extremely easy to tell somebody that without being horrible about it. It's the best thing to do and I've done it many a time without there ever having been a single problem.

 

And if I wasn't good enough for her, why did she drag the whole thing out for five months? Why make me wait all that time when there was no interest on her end?

 

I'm not really using these points as arguments against the fact as such, it's just that these are things that I can't really get my head around.

 

have you been dating others over the 5 months of seeing her only once per month?

I was dating other people up until my third date with this girl. I decided to stop seeing the others because I wasn't interested in them anyway and I actually liked the Chinese girl. It wasn't until a couple of weeks after the third date that she said she wouldn't be available until December. I managed to get a couple of dinner dates with her before then though.

 

i also think that her failures at school derailed things in that you became less of a priority as time went on. it's really not your fault. this just wasn't happening.

It definitely didn't help. Things might have played out differently if it wasn't for that failed piece of work, but there's nothing that can be done about that.

 

What the little quiz she gave you a test. But your answers weren't what she was hoping they would be. If you were okay about marriage she could marry you and stay in UK. But you didn't want to get married and it was just a piece of paper but she needs that paper to stay in UK.

This was both my and my friends' initial assumption, which of course would have been a misunderstanding. She has two years left at university. If the relationship lasted that long, that would have been plenty of time for strong feelings to develop and I obviously wouldn't have wanted her to leave the country.

 

However, it doesn't seem like that can be the problem based on the text she sent after I tried to talk to her.

 

But the rest of that she has text you is really uncalled for

What part of her text is uncalled for?

 

but that's what she trying to let you down easy and not hurt you. So out of respect for you because who you are it did what she did and say what she did to you her way.

But that's the wrong thing to do. By not being honest with me, she's hurt me more than she would have done if she'd just told the truth.

 

Best to wake-up and really see this girl is not into you nor did she love you.

Of course she doesn't love me. We went on six dates. I don't love her either. I just liked her a lot and saw potential. I'm sick of going on dates with women I feel nothing for and axing them and so is my wallet.

 

It's about her and the both of you. Again she's made her mind up and you can't change it. Really no one can.

I know that. Simply getting closure is what I want.

 

Buddy, she's a Ph.D student. I have a relative who is a medical doctor and even with 16 hour shifts at the minimum, she finds time to get together with her boyfriend.

Not that I'm saying this applies to my case, as I do believe that she had more free time than she made out, but sometimes Ph.D students really are that busy. A friend of mine didn't see her boyfriend for even a second for six months because he had a lot of Ph.D work to do. They'd only been in a relationship for six months at the time. Three years later, they're still together.

 

She's lying to you and isn't being honest.

Of course she's lying to me. I know that for a fact. There is no possible scenario in which she has told me the truth about everything. The problem is working out which bits are true and which bits aren't.

[BluEyeL]

I think what happened is that she was ambivalent about you, she wasn't very excited about you to start with (otherwise she would have made time for you, not once a month), but she was hoping her feelings will change in time, which they didn't. Maybe, if you were enthusiastic about marriage, she would have talked herself into continuing with you, but would you like that?

 

See her breaking up with you as positive. You're now free to meet someone who you are compatible with. She wasn't into you enough.

[evanescentworld]

I agree with that. But if you're about to finish things with somebody, why would you ask them about marriage literally five minutes before? That is an extremely odd thing to do by anyone's standards.

Not in her eyes.

Maybe that was the clincher....

 

If you're not interested in a relationship with someone it's extremely easy to tell somebody that without being horrible about it. It's the best thing to do and I've done it many a time without there ever having been a single problem.

But she never really showed any interest... her focus, it seems, was a Visa....

 

And if I wasn't good enough for her, why did she drag the whole thing out for five months? Why make me wait all that time when there was no interest on her end?

Well, you're hardly going to go for the "Hello! I want to stay in your country! Will you marry me?!" Breaking someone in like that, takes more time... But it's obvious by her attitude that she was't interested in YOU, specifically...

 

I'm not really using these points as arguments against the fact as such, it's just that these are things that I can't really get my head around.

well, there's little point atually even trying to now.... is there...?

 

 

 

It definitely didn't help. Things might have played out differently if it wasn't for that failed piece of work, but there's nothing that can be done about that.

I have a feeling that may have just been an excuse. She may well be a poor student. Not everyone from China has a brilliant academic mind...

 

 

But that's the wrong thing to do. By not being honest with me, she's hurt me more than she would have done if she'd just told the truth.

I don't think you're getting this.... your feelings were never her top priority.

He top priority was stain in the UK, and seeing whether your ideas tied in with hers....

 

 

Of course she doesn't love me. We went on six dates. I don't love her either. I just liked her a lot and saw potential. I'm sick of going on dates with women I feel nothing for and axing them and so is my wallet.

So why is this still bugging you? It's nearly 2015 - go out and get some fun, and forget this!

 

 

I

know that. Simply getting closure is what I want.

No dumper ever gives closure. The only person who can orchestrate and gain closure - is you.

 

 

 

Of course she's lying to me. I know that for a fact. There is no possible scenario in which she has told me the truth about everything. The problem is working out which bits are true and which bits aren't.

It no longer matters, because understanding anything will do nothing to advance the situation.

It's over, she's an ex, you're a free agent.

That's really all you need to concentrate on, now.

[Detectingfreak]

I agree with that. But if you're about to finish things with somebody, why would you ask them about marriage literally five minutes before? That is an extremely odd thing to do by anyone's standards.

 

If you're not interested in a relationship with someone it's extremely easy to tell somebody that without being horrible about it. It's the best thing to do and I've done it many a time without there ever having been a single problem.

 

And if I wasn't good enough for her, why did she drag the whole thing out for five months? Why make me wait all that time when there was no interest on her end?

 

I'm not really using these points as arguments against the fact as such, it's just that these are things that I can't really get my head around.

 

 

I was dating other people up until my third date with this girl. I decided to stop seeing the others because I wasn't interested in them anyway and I actually liked the Chinese girl. It wasn't until a couple of weeks after the third date that she said she wouldn't be available until December. I managed to get a couple of dinner dates with her before then though.

 

 

It definitely didn't help. Things might have played out differently if it wasn't for that failed piece of work, but there's nothing that can be done about that.

 

 

This was both my and my friends' initial assumption, which of course would have been a misunderstanding. She has two years left at university. If the relationship lasted that long, that would have been plenty of time for strong feelings to develop and I obviously wouldn't have wanted her to leave the country.

 

However, it doesn't seem like that can be the problem based on the text she sent after I tried to talk to her.

 

 

What part of her text is uncalled for?

 

 

But that's the wrong thing to do. By not being honest with me, she's hurt me more than she would have done if she'd just told the truth.

 

 

Of course she doesn't love me. We went on six dates. I don't love her either. I just liked her a lot and saw potential. I'm sick of going on dates with women I feel nothing for and axing them and so is my wallet.

 

 

I know that. Simply getting closure is what I want.

 

 

Not that I'm saying this applies to my case, as I do believe that she had more free time than she made out, but sometimes Ph.D students really are that busy. A friend of mine didn't see her boyfriend for even a second for six months because he had a lot of Ph.D work to do. They'd only been in a relationship for six months at the time. Three years later, they're still together.

 

 

Of course she's lying to me. I know that for a fact. There is no possible scenario in which she has told me the truth about everything. The problem is working out which bits are true and which bits aren't.

 

Stop going on dates and spending money. Just have fun and let the next relationship come to you.

[Divasu]

I can try to decipher it.

 

She appears uncertain about the relationship. This is why you are on the receiving end of 'conflicting' and 'confusing' statements.

 

The question she asked pertaining to marriage seems to be an attempt on her part to predetermine (or perhaps, 'secure') the future.

 

The two of you were dating for 5 months (?), so, some can argue that those 'deep questions' were brought forth too soon on her part. Why exactly they were brought up - is anyone's guess. Removing some of the uncertainty together helps build trust. Obviously, 'trust' was not accomplished here.