jackslife Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 I'm 39. My husband is the same age. We have sex about 5-6 times a week. Less than 3 times a week and I get ansty. I think the longest we've gone without being intimate was when the kids were born and I was healing. Even then, we went ahead and did it a few weeks before getting official medical clearance. If we were to go more than a couple weeks without sex it had better be because of a medical condition or a separation due to work/family obligations.. God, I wish I'd married you
evanescentworld Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 I know this is a reverse scenario (sadly, the reverse of your situation is more common, although husbands with low libidos are becoming more commonplace) but read this article... And show it to your husband.
Author Newlywed80 Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 From everything you describe, I just wonder if he's gay, and for whatever reason is unwilling to come out of the closet. You said, he's too lazy to go after women and has never answered your questions about who he's previously dated. You live fairly independent lives, with you taking trips with your friends, and him doing the same. Usually when someone "explodes" when you raise certain types of questions, it's because you're getting close to something they don't want you to discover. That type of reaction shuts the conversation down cold, and makes the other person (in this case you) hesitant to revisit the same line of questioning. I hope I'm not offending you, but I think you need to give this possibility some serious thought. Don't worry, you're not offending me. This has crossed my mind, but he just doesn't seem the type, if there is a type. He is definitely a guy's guy, and he will comment that certain females are attractive. I know this doesn't necessarily mean that he's not gay. To correct myself, I take trips with my girlfriends, and have told him that he is free to take trips with his friends if he likes, he's just never done that.
Author Newlywed80 Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 Speaking from personal experience, I was in a similar relationship. My first husband, we were together since high school, did not have much of a sex drive. Even as a teenager he was happy with just once every few weeks. As we got older, I didn't love it, but who breaks up with a good guy over sex? Based on past experience and feedback from others that just seemed like throwing the baby out with the bathwater (especially as a woman). And I would say the same thing, on paper he is/was a great pick. So since we had been dating for 7 years we got married because that was what we always planned on doing. In hindsight we shouldn't have but not even the minister suggested anything but how best to get married. So we got married and we didn't have sex the first six months of our marriage outside once on our honeymoon. It didn't even cross my mind until month 4 I think. There were lots of other great parts about the relationship that things were good enough. But when I turned 30, my sex drive ramped up, and it was no longer adequate. I tried to discuss with him, to spice things, up, etc. but he was not interested in discussing. He also had duration issues, had since the beginning, and was embarrassed to discuss it. So, with that and other conflict avoiding concerns and lack of desire to meet me half way, I left. I just could no longer settle for a really great friendship and nothing else for a marriage. I think we are both much happier divorced, it was an amicable divorce and he is happily remarried. It was a square peg round hole issue. I can't say I didn't know, I did, but I had a right to no longer find it acceptable and he had a right to decide not to change it. I'm glad things have turned out better for you, and I completely understand the pressure from everyone to marry after you've been dating a number of years. As I mentioned before, I was alright with the lack of sex before because I was so busy/stressed out, but my fear is that now that I'm in my 30s my sex drive will ramp up as well, and I'll be more dissatisfied. If you don't mind my asking, do you know what the issue was with your husband? Was it a lack of sex drive on his part, or perhaps a lack of compatibility in your relationship? I just wonder because you mentioned that he's happily married now and I wonder if he has the same issues in his new relationship, but his wife just deals with it? In other words, with my husband, I'm wondering if the problem is his sex drive, or our compatibility...
Author Newlywed80 Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 This doesn't sound like a medical issue to me. I think I'd use a keylogger on the laptop, VAR in car, tracker etc. Treat it like he was having an affair. After a couple of weeks you may find out what floats his boat sex-wise or if he is gay. Don't want to throw water on your fire, but I don't think the treatment will work. He is buying time. 6 months from now see how things have improved. My guess will be not a lot! I've thought about what you said, and agree that he could be buying time. After this supposed breakthrough, he told me just yesterday when I mentioned the naturopath again, that he'd rather use his health benefits for massages than a naturopath! I'm still going to pursue the naturopath route, but I will have to see what happens when I come back from it and "rave" about how he should go as well. I thought his comment was a good indication of where his mind is = clearly not with this issue that I think about almost all of the time. Can I do all of those things even though he has a password on his computer? I have looked at his phone before and his tablet and have never found anything.
Author Newlywed80 Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 I know this is a reverse scenario (sadly, the reverse of your situation is more common, although husbands with low libidos are becoming more commonplace) but read this article... And show it to your husband. This was a great article, thank you! I do want to show it to him, just have to wait for the right time...
Author Newlywed80 Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 No. For an issue such as this I wouldn't do anything less than see a medical doctor for a full workup and possibly a shrink. So, to answer your earlier question, the fighting and lack of affection and lack of sex are NOT normal in my opinion. If you love each other and he is willing to do whatever he needs to do to increase his sex drive (diet, exercise, therapy, see a MD, etc) than I think it's worth working it out. If he refuses to make some changes such as no longer blaming you for his inadequacies, being more affectionate, being more demonstrative, being more communicative, and seeing a doctor and therapist, than I'd leave and file asap. Thank you for your post, I really appreciate your insight. I can say that I'm quite jealous of your sex life, you are so lucky to have a husband who makes such an effort to be with you. You're right, it probably isn't normal. We have had sex 3 times in the past month, so I do see improvement, but it is still initiated on my part. Trying to get a hug or kiss from him (say if he's watching tv, on his laptop or something) are sometimes a chore, or cuddling on the couch, where my requests are met with "no," "later," or he says my name in one of those voices where it makes me sound as if I'm nagging. Does this ever happen to anyone? In the time that he wastes rejecting me, he could have just hugged me and gotten back to what he was doing. If I don't initiate it I don't think we'd hug or kiss at all, and I am becoming increasingly bitter that I have to initiate those things, in addition to sex.
Author Newlywed80 Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 No. For an issue such as this I wouldn't do anything less than see a medical doctor for a full workup and possibly a shrink. If you love each other and he is willing to do whatever he needs to do to increase his sex drive (diet, exercise, therapy, see a MD, etc) than I think it's worth working it out. I'll add in that he has tried working out (he does this 4-5 times per week), vitamins like zinc, eating healthier. Obviously none of this has worked. I do think that alcohol could be a problem (he has a job where he is often in social settings, and we have a lot of family and friend get togethers and parties where everyone drinks). I am comfortable with him drinking, as I do, but I think he needs to cut down on this and I've told him. He told me he doesn't want to go to a doctor because he doesn't want to have to get injections or put anything in his body?!? Are their other natural ways to increase sex drives?
MJJean Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 God, I wish I'd married you No, you don't! I've always had a high sex drive. My poor husband gets pounced on when he's trying to sleep for work, for Pete's sake! but my fear is that now that I'm in my 30s my sex drive will ramp up as well, and I'll be more dissatisfied. In other words, with my husband, I'm wondering if the problem is his sex drive, or our compatibility... I've had a high sex drive since my teens, but these last 8-9 years have taken the cake. When I hit about 32 I became the adult woman equivalent of a teenage boy! I have sex on the brain from morning to night. My hormones get to kicking up a fuss if I so much as brush against my DH. Once, recently, at 6 am I was helping him load his bag and cooler into the car so he could leave for work. I actually proposed we hop in the back for just 3 minutes...in the driveway, no less. My idea of shopping has become stockings, garters, corsets, etc. It's ridiculous. If the 30's hormones hit you it's no joke! In my opinion, sex drives are part of the overall compatibility package. Thank you for your post, I really appreciate your insight. I can say that I'm quite jealous of your sex life, you are so lucky to have a husband who makes such an effort to be with you. You're right, it probably isn't normal. We have had sex 3 times in the past month, so I do see improvement, but it is still initiated on my part. Trying to get a hug or kiss from him (say if he's watching tv, on his laptop or something) are sometimes a chore, or cuddling on the couch, where my requests are met with "no," "later," or he says my name in one of those voices where it makes me sound as if I'm nagging. Does this ever happen to anyone? In the time that he wastes rejecting me, he could have just hugged me and gotten back to what he was doing. If I don't initiate it I don't think we'd hug or kiss at all, and I am becoming increasingly bitter that I have to initiate those things, in addition to sex. I didn't talk about my sex life to make you jealous. I did it so that you could see there are married couples in the 30-45 age range having healthy and active sex lives. There is nothing wrong with you wanting regular not a chore, good sex at all. I am so sorry he's not affectionate and that he rejects you so much. Hugs, kisses, cuddles...these are all physical displays of emotion. Being rejected while trying to show affection is painful. over the long term it causes psychological damage. Your husband should be making you feel safe, secure loved, desired. He should be the one person you can turn to without fear of rejection. Does he know that kissing, hugging, cuddling, etc. don't have to lead to sex or is he rejecting affection because he thinks you're after sex? I'll add in that he has tried working out (he does this 4-5 times per week), vitamins like zinc, eating healthier. Obviously none of this has worked. I do think that alcohol could be a problem (he has a job where he is often in social settings, and we have a lot of family and friend get togethers and parties where everyone drinks). I am comfortable with him drinking, as I do, but I think he needs to cut down on this and I've told him. He told me he doesn't want to go to a doctor because he doesn't want to have to get injections or put anything in his body?!? Are their other natural ways to increase sex drives? He could have a serious health problem. High blood pressure does a number on the male sex drive. So do hormone imbalances. Diabetes. High cholesterol. Cardiovascular disease. Low dopamine levels. Thyroid disorder. Hair loss remedies. Medications. Etc. All of these things can cause not only a low sex drive, but some can kill. He needs to go in for a complete workup with the doctor knowing that he has a low libido and specifically looking for common causes. Tough cookies if he doesn't like it. Tell him to grow up and see a freakin doctor to check for the serious health problems that can cause low libido. If it is something serious he could die without treatment. And a lot of the listed diseases go undiagnosed until the autopsy. Alcohol could also be a problem. Men who drink too much tend to have problems getting and keeping an erection.
Author Newlywed80 Posted January 12, 2015 Author Posted January 12, 2015 No, you don't! I've always had a high sex drive. My poor husband gets pounced on when he's trying to sleep for work, for Pete's sake! I've had a high sex drive since my teens, but these last 8-9 years have taken the cake. When I hit about 32 I became the adult woman equivalent of a teenage boy! I have sex on the brain from morning to night. My hormones get to kicking up a fuss if I so much as brush against my DH. Once, recently, at 6 am I was helping him load his bag and cooler into the car so he could leave for work. I actually proposed we hop in the back for just 3 minutes...in the driveway, no less. My idea of shopping has become stockings, garters, corsets, etc. It's ridiculous. If the 30's hormones hit you it's no joke! In my opinion, sex drives are part of the overall compatibility package. I didn't talk about my sex life to make you jealous. I did it so that you could see there are married couples in the 30-45 age range having healthy and active sex lives. There is nothing wrong with you wanting regular not a chore, good sex at all. I am so sorry he's not affectionate and that he rejects you so much. Hugs, kisses, cuddles...these are all physical displays of emotion. Being rejected while trying to show affection is painful. over the long term it causes psychological damage. Your husband should be making you feel safe, secure loved, desired. He should be the one person you can turn to without fear of rejection. Does he know that kissing, hugging, cuddling, etc. don't have to lead to sex or is he rejecting affection because he thinks you're after sex? He could have a serious health problem. High blood pressure does a number on the male sex drive. So do hormone imbalances. Diabetes. High cholesterol. Cardiovascular disease. Low dopamine levels. Thyroid disorder. Hair loss remedies. Medications. Etc. All of these things can cause not only a low sex drive, but some can kill. He needs to go in for a complete workup with the doctor knowing that he has a low libido and specifically looking for common causes. Tough cookies if he doesn't like it. Tell him to grow up and see a freakin doctor to check for the serious health problems that can cause low libido. If it is something serious he could die without treatment. And a lot of the listed diseases go undiagnosed until the autopsy. Alcohol could also be a problem. Men who drink too much tend to have problems getting and keeping an erection. Thanks again for your thorough response Truthfully, any time that I hear about couples having healthy sex lives, it makes me slightly jealous. Not necessarily strangers (so seriously, no worries at all!), but more so my friends because I compare ourselves and wonder what I did to deserve this. I don't mean to throw a pity party, but I feel like I've made pretty good life choices, so this one is tough to come to terms with and it's so frustrating because I feel like it's out of my hands. No conversation seems to work with him and I am starting to feel like 1) a lifetime of misery, or 2) divorce, are my only options. For example, tonight, I read your post and tried to talk to him about the lack of affection, but articulated that affection doesn't need to lead to sex (as per your suggestion), if that's what he's worried about. He said that he doesn't like it when I try to sit on him and hug him (this is what I tried to do today) while he's "busy." It's Sunday and he was in front of his computer and watching football. I don't really constitute that as being "busy." He told me that if I sit on him and hug him, I'll never get off (I might hang on for a few minutes, but then I get off). He responded that I always nag him. I told him that if this continues like this (lack of affection), our relationship won't sustain itself. He told me to "do something about it then." I'm sure meaning divorce. I said fine, and walked away. The problem with these types of situations that we have (this wasn't a full blown argument, but I felt that he was blowing off my concerns), is that I can't tell if I am in fact being annoying by trying to sit on him, being a nag, or if I'm right to say something about. I have dated men in the past when sitting on their laps and hugging them was not a problem. In fact, what a STUPID thing to even argue about, no? Furthermore, him calling me a nag makes me even more resentful. I'm not joking when I say I let him do what he wants (within reason). I try to be a flexible and understanding wife (the way I want to be treated), and I get little credit for anything. I just threw him a surprise birthday party, he spends time with his friends whenever he likes (once or twice a week) and sometimes will come home at 2am or 3am, we have separate bank accounts and he spends money on what he likes (he's responsible though), he plays on a sports team and have encouraged him to do more active things, etc. I am ok with all of this, because this is how I would want to be treated. I have friends, and so does he, who keep their partners on tight leashes and don't let them do anything. In fact, he ridicules their wives for being so restrictive and I wonder why he can't see how lucky he has it? He has said to me before (in anger), if we got a divorce, he'd find someone better. He has been for check ups before, and the results have turned up fine, so I don't think he has a serious medical issue, but has never gotten his testosterone checked and does not seem to want to. As I said in a previous post he said he'd be willing to go to a naturopath, after I did. I'm open to it because it's always good to be healthy, but it pisses me off that I have to go first for him to go. When he's been drunk he has been able to develop an erection, he just doesn't have an orgasm or it takes much longer. As I type more and more on here, I am getting more angry at this ridiculousness:(
jackslife Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Having read your posts - and they are very, very sad. I do think that if he isn't gay, then he doesn't really love you. Even in my sexless marriage, there is/was always affection. if he doesn't want a hug or physical intimacy then he's just not interested. The lack of the sex isn't a low sex drive, or other tendency's but more the fact that he doesn't love you or is attracted enough to you to want to touch you. Hate to be brutal but this is how your descriptions read. I think you need to consider leaving him or even serving divorce papers. He is like this now! Do you want this for 5 more years, 10 more years, the rest of your life. No love, no affection, no hugs, no kisses, no sex! You don't have children. What the hell are you still doing there!?
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