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Posted

I am new to this, but thought I'd post in order to gain some insight, and perhaps opinions from people who might be in similar situations and/or who may be able to help me better understand the perspective of my husband.

 

We have been married for 2 years, and together for 9. That I can remember, for the past 5 years, we have had sex about once every 3 months. I always initiate it, and sometimes have to plead for it, this even happened on our honeymoon. He sometimes doesn't give me an excuse, he just says no. We are both in our mid-30s, educated, have good jobs and incomes, active social lives and no children. For a couple of years our lives were rather stressful, and because of this, I ignored our lack of having sex. The stress has subsided, but the lack of sex remains a constant. I reflect back on our relationship and the fact that we've barely done any romantic "couple" like things together, and it makes me depressed. We've never had a bath together, had a couples massage and he's never given me a back rub, to name a few. We only kiss intimately when we're having sex, so that barely happens. Our touching mainly consists of a kiss on the lips before bed and cuddling at night, when he drapes his arm over me. I have tried to discuss these things with him, but his justification is that he's not a sex-crazed teenager. There have been times when he's gotten angry and blamed me for his lack of interest by suggesting I fix my hair, wear more make-up, dress nicer or workout (I weigh 115 pounds). This makes me resentful because I do care about my appearance, get compliments from others and when I do dress to the nines, he doesn't compliment me. The closest I came to getting what I thought was a revelation was when he was drunk a few months ago, and admitted to having a low sex drive, but nothing really came of this. I've offered to go to a doctor and counselling with him. He's refused. He says that he tries to make me happy (helping around the house, vacations, etc.), and that I'm never happy. He does these nice things, but sometimes I think that he thinks if he buys me things, I will ignore the issue.

 

Our marriage is still new, but I can't imagine myself in a passionless marriage for the rest of my life with someone who doesn't understand the importance of romance and sex. Truthfully, I'd ignore the lack of romance if I was getting sex, but I'm barely getting that. At this point, my pride prevents me from asking for sex more often. It makes me feel sad that I'm always the one to initiate it, and that my husband doesn't seem to want me. I am almost certain that he's not having an affair, we talk throughout the day and while he does go out sometimes, I know all of his friends. To be honest, I think he's generally lazy with women, and an affair would just be too much work to detract from his other activities.

 

I'm very confused. I don't want to get a divorce, I just want to fix the problem. I'm sorry for the length of this post, but I can't go to anyone for advice with this, and I'm hoping some of you can provide your insight. Do I sound unreasonable? What would you do in my situation? Is there a better way I should be approaching him about this? Thank you for listening.

Posted

Ok, in a nutshell: he projects the blame onto you because h knows it's his problem.

I'm going to be blunt:

If he isn't willing to do anything at all, to rectify, modify, investigate, examine or solve this issue - then your sexual incompatibility will get worse, and your life more miserable.

 

It's time unfortunately, for the ultimatum (however, and in whichever way you want to present it):

 

We either get this problem sorted through medical examination, counselling, therapy - whatever it takes - or I file for divorce.

 

Which is it to be?

 

But remember one thing:

If he commits to resolving it, he has to be in it, 100%.

If you commit to ending it - the same goes for you.

An ultimatum is non-negotiable.

And once in - you're in.

  • Like 3
Posted (edited)

We have been married for 2 years, and together for 9. That I can remember, for the past 5 years, we have had sex about once every 3 months. I always initiate it, and sometimes have to plead for it, this even happened on our honeymoon.

 

So for three years BEFORE you married, your sex was once every 3 months with you initiating.....and you still got married and expected what to change? Or that he is otherwise a really good man and you loved this and him - so you overlooked this long standing trait?

 

Its hard to blame the guy if this is who he has basically been ....with you long before hand. Its not like it was bait and switch which we hear often here on LS.

 

But if you have no kids - now is the time to move on. It is so painful later when there are kids involved in a low or no sex marriage. If you love him you could maybe take the first step - trail separation allowing a last ditch effort on his part for medical and mental intervention into his sex drive before you divorce. You do have my sympathy and empathy as I understand what a low sex marriage can do to a person.

Edited by dichotomy
  • Like 2
Posted (edited)
So for three years BEFORE you married, your sex was once every 3 months with you initiating.....and you still got married and expected what to change? .

 

sorry to tell you, I was wondering the exact same thing. He is asexual...or LD...does not fantasize about sex, does not think about sex...never looks at porn....

 

 

So apparently you changed your mind about living in a sexless marriage. you made a mistake, or maybe you THOUGHT you could live that way. does that about sum it up?

 

 

well, there are not too many options. you can divorce him, you can try to find out why he has no libido (drug side effects, low testosterone, he is gay, he has been asexual all his life) and try to change those things, or ask for an open marriage from him.

 

and the open marriage can have various forms, mainly to satisfy HIS boundary conditions. you can just watch porn and self-gratify. You can join sex websites and find other men or women to chat or cam with. Or you can be allowed to post on A.M. a profile and hook up with other men (remember to use a condom!). He might feel less threatened with a lesbian affair.

 

OR maybe it is just PIV sex that hubby is afraid of. maybe he has ED and is hiding from having to perform. In that case either get him ED drugs, or shift sex from PIV (penis in vagina) to something else, like bondage, role playing, oral....

 

You kind of are stuck in this marriage by your own choice, so you should try to make the best of the current situation.

Edited by spanz1
  • Like 1
Posted

It may be worth pursuing a full medical exam including testing for hormone levels to see if there is some kind of underlying physiological issue that is affecting his libido. You mentioned he refuses to do that, however he may capitulate if you move out and file for divorce and give him that one last chance before you proceed with the divorce.

 

The chances are greatly stacked against that however, but it may be worth one last chance so you will know that you tried everything before pulling the plug.

 

From what you have described though it sounds like this is just who and what he is and this is how it is going to be.

 

Your options are -

 

- suck it up and live with it realizing that you will never have a life with passion or intimacy and invest in some high quality vibrators and toys. You can also get some cats and begin your crazy cat-lady collection.

 

- retain a lawyer and start working on a fair, amicable and cooperative divorce and move on with your life. Divorce won't absolutely guarantee that you will have a great sex life but staying will guarantee that you won't.

 

- work out an open marriage arrangement with your husband so you can get your sexual needs met elsewhere. If he is ok with it, this is actually a very viable option for a woman. You will actually have more options and opportunities with this route than on the single dating market. Men will line up down the street and around the corner for a married woman only looking for some no-strings fun in the bedroom.

 

- gal your needs me on the side without his knowledge and approval. Again you'll have more options and opportunities on the down-low market than the open dating market.

 

The pitfalls of both the cheating route and the open marriage route is that in time you will hook up with someone who does light your fire and who is also hot for you and you will eventually leave your H anyway.

 

Your two primary options are the crazy cat-lady with a 500 Amp vibrator, or leaving your husband now and making a clean break with no drama.

 

Getting it outside the marriage will only postpone the inevitable and set yourself up for drama.

  • Like 1
Posted

How was your sex life with your husband at the beginning of the relationship? Was there ever a period where it was hot and heavy, where you were having sex multiple times a day? Based on your comments about never doing certain romantic things with your husband (taking a bath together, etc.) it seems like your relationship has never really had a romantic component, in contrast to the usual scenario where the romance fades over time.

 

These stories are so hard for me to read, because there are husbands everywhere that would kill for a wife that wanted sex more. I guess I understand that there are health reasons that could cause a low sex drive in a man, but even if I lacked a sex drive, I would like to think I would still make it a priority to meet my wife's needs.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted

Thank you for your responses, I really appreciate them.

 

I will try to respond to all of them, sorry again for the length.

 

@dichotomy and @spanz: - I noticed this pattern before we were married, but I believed things would change once we lived together. Up until that point (for 7 years), we saw each other 1-2, maybe 3 times per week because we lived in separate cities. I come from a rather conservative family so living together before we were married was not really an option, although I would spend the night at his place on the weekends sometimes. Other times when we saw each other, it may have been the case that he was staying at my parents house (no sex there), or we were at family/social gatherings, so I could (sort of) excuse the lack of sex. And as I mentioned, there was a lot of stress in my life (I was working and in school, and my mother was sick and then passed away). There were times after we got engaged that I said things to him, without trying to be too invasive. i.e. when we live together, what is the ideal amount of time you would have sex in a week? His response was 2-3 times. So I truthfully thought that things would change when we lived together. In retrospect, I should have realized that if a guy wants sex, he will try to make it happen, regardless of location, if you're other with others, etc. He is a good man, generally, on paper he has all of the qualities I'd look for in a man, my family loves him, and I do love him (when I'm not bitter). I do fear that this situation though will make me more bitter, and eventually, full on depressed.

 

As some of you mentioned, we don't have kids, and my other fear is to have children and bring them up in this type of environment, or eventually having to do the single mom thing. Fortunately, I'm not sure if I want to have children...at least right now. I don't even know how we'd have children anyways if we're not having sex. I fear that giving an ultimatum, or getting a temporary separation would just drive him further away. When he makes his mind up about something, it's made up. He's practical, and not generally wishy-washy. I once read that "you shouldn't marry a man that you wouldn't want to divorce," and that is how I feel about him. ANY somewhat bad thing (I am a good person) I ever said or did would come out, and he would trash talk me to everyone. The other day we got into an argument about this and he said that if our marriage ever ended, it would be "entirely your fault." I know he would tell others this, especially if he hated me for instigating a separation. I come from a conservative family and divorces are very unacceptable. He is not as conservative in this regard.

 

@spanz1 and @oldshirt - I don't think I could ever have an open marriage. I don't think that would be acceptable for him, and I don't feel comfortable having sex with someone I don't care about, it's just not me. On top of that, I would be truly embarrassed if anyone found out. I think if things did end in divorce, he would use it against me. I want to have sex, but I want to do it with the man I married :( I have truthfully thought that one day I may end up cheating, not because I wanted sex, but because I started to fall for someone who paid more attention to me. I feel like I can't just leave. Coupled with shame from my family, I live in an expensive city, and to move would be time consuming and costly, especially as I have a demanding job.

 

In terms of shifting sex from PIV to something else, I also don't think this is an option. He's generally uncomfortable with anything different. Different sexual positions are fine, sometimes he gives me oral sex, but he's uncomfortable with talking dirty (which I've tried), never mind role playing, bondage, etc.

 

@be-strong - our sex life in the beginning was pretty good. I would say that we had sex almost every time we saw each other for the first couple of years, and once in a while a couple of times a day. It would have been difficult to do certain romantic things in the beginning because he had a roommate, but overall, there was never really that "romance." There was sex though, and I did love him, so I could live without romance. Your comment made me sad. I know there are men out there that would want to meet their wives needs, and I don't think my requests are that hard to fulfill. Tbh, I'd be fine with having sex once a week, but once every 3 months is so hard.

 

@evanescent - everything you've said, I think is spot on, and I appreciate your bluntness. I think he does have low testosterone. As I mentioned, I don't think he'd cheat, and that I know of he doesn't watch porn or anything. I've asked him if he masturbates, but he doesn't respond. Sadly, I don't even know how many sexual partners he's had because he's never told me in spite of my asking him and my telling him how many I've had! He had, and has, a very active social life, but I've also never met a previous girlfriend. He would have been capable of finding a girlfriend before me, so I find this strange too.

 

I think what I need to do is get him to a doctor and/or counselling. I fear being miserable for the rest of my life, so I know I need to give him some sort of ultimatum, I just don't know what kind and how to do it. You are right that he projects the blame onto me (and that said, I'm not saying I'm not entirely to blame), but I find in our conversations about this (which are limited), he always reverts back to my "problems" and what is wrong with me, making me even more depressed. He then tells me that I'm the one that should see the counsellor. I feel like in order to get him to do this, I have to be "perfect," so he doesn't have anything against me to suggest that I'm the one with the problem. That probably sounds ridiculous I know.

 

Do any of you have any advice in terms of getting him to a doctor or counselling? Should I just book a counselling appointment and hope he comes?

Another thing that I forget to mention was that probably about 5 years ago he started taking prescribed Clonazapem (I believe?) in order to deal with stress from being in school and working. He went on it for about 4 months and I noticed that it severely limited his sex drive, so I would joke that he needed to get off of it, which he did. I can't remember if the timing of this coincided with us having less sex in general, but it does seem to coincide. Has anyone heard of these types of drugs having longer term impacts? I know I can Google this too, but I'm just trying to provide more insight.

 

Thanks again everyone.

Posted

Why can't some women just accept that they can't change men? it's called incompatibility, and the man doesn't WANT to HELP HIMSELF.

 

Your marriage may be new, but your relationship isn't. Seven years should be plenty of time for you to see the writing on the wall and accept it.

 

What happened here, is that you married him for other reasons...thinking, as many typical women think...that you could make little "adjustments" and tweaks this guy into the "perfect partner"...but it never works, hell, maybe women just like the project because they never seem interested in giving up into the the entire things is standing on one tiny leg.

 

You can't "fix" his sex-drive...this didn't just happen overnight, this has been the way it's ALWAYS been...what makes you think he's got anything else in him?

 

He isn't romantic...I mean for crying out loud the man couldn't even have an affair because of laziness, and if a man isn't even tempted by a beautiful woman because of sheer laziness, why in the world would he have the raw desire and need to be with you? relationships can become stale and the "same ole thing" but the guy was never impassioned from the beginning...what exactly do you want him to change into? it's unrealistic whatever it is.

 

The man can't even perform on the basic level, he might even getting his rocks off to porn out of his laziness...realistically you'd probably experience more passion with another man in 5 mins than you will in the entire next 5 years with your husband.

 

Anyway, I know you made this decision to be with this guy for some reason...and I very much doubt it's "love", you seem like the type that just end up together because it's financially sound and it just makes "sense" and probably too lazy and dull to push the walls of your little tiny box of a marriage.

 

Chances are you need a miracle worker, not doctor.

  • Like 3
Posted
Anyway, I know you made this decision to be with this guy for some reason...and I very much doubt it's "love"

 

Have to agree. Newlywed80, you had a "sexless" relationship for 3 years before marriage. As Dichotomy stated, no bait and switch here. Things were pretty clear well in advance.

 

So the question isn't what will you do about your marriage but rather what you'll do about you. As in your situation and what you'll accept. That's the part in your control, worrying about what he's willing to do has already cost you 9 years. I wouldn't wait much longer...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
Why can't some women just accept that they can't change men? it's called incompatibility, and the man doesn't WANT to HELP HIMSELF.

 

You can't "fix" his sex-drive...this didn't just happen overnight, this has been the way it's ALWAYS been...what makes you think he's got anything else in him?

 

He isn't romantic...I mean for crying out loud the man couldn't even have an affair because of laziness, and if a man isn't even tempted by a beautiful woman because of sheer laziness, why in the world would he have the raw desire and need to be with you? relationships can become stale and the "same ole thing" but the guy was never impassioned from the beginning...what exactly do you want him to change into? it's unrealistic whatever it is.

 

The man can't even perform on the basic level, he might even getting his rocks off to porn out of his laziness...realistically you'd probably experience more passion with another man in 5 mins than you will in the entire next 5 years with your husband.

 

Anyway, I know you made this decision to be with this guy for some reason...and I very much doubt it's "love", you seem like the type that just end up together because it's financially sound and it just makes "sense" and probably too lazy and dull to push the walls of your little tiny box of a marriage.

 

 

I would have to agree that perhaps I thought I could change some things, but there was an honest to goodness belief (naive I guess) that things would change when we were married, because we actually lived together. I'm not joking when I say that he and I had some serious stress, which I think under any circumstances can cause people to not have sex. When he gave me excuses like "you need to wear more makeup, dress nicer, etc," I thought it was me, and if I did those things I'd be more appealing to him. Note: I DO those things anyways, consider myself to be attractive and look like I'm in my mid-20s, not my mid-30s, and have 3 post-secondary degrees. I'm not saying that out of conceit, but you are making me sound lazy and dull. Both of us have a very active and social life. In terms of my relying on him financially, I will admit that I like the additional support, but I make almost 6 figures on my own, so I wouldn't be poor if I left.

 

I think the reason that I married him was because as I said before we were together for 7 years before we got married, and engaged after 5. This happened just after my mother passed away, and I think I sought comfort and companionship with someone I knew, and someone she knew and thought I would marry. I did love him and we had been together for a long time, which makes things even harder, as it makes them even harder now that we're married. After I got engaged, it just seemed appropriate to go through with it. It's probably not the best answer, but it is what it is. He hasn't been very romantic (he does do nice things like clean, wash dishes, take me for dinner), but as I mentioned, if I had sex, I wouldn't necessarily care about romance. In response to your question, what I want him to change into is someone who is communicative, who initiates sex half the time, and someone who is willing to have sex once a week.

 

What makes matters worse is that we get into intense arguments about this issue, meaning I try to ask him about it and he explodes, and that makes me hate him. When I love him, I really do love him.

  • Author
Posted
Why can't some women just accept that they can't change men? it's called incompatibility, and the man doesn't WANT to HELP HIMSELF.

 

Your marriage may be new, but your relationship isn't. Seven years should be plenty of time for you to see the writing on the wall and accept it.

 

What happened here, is that you married him for other reasons...thinking, as many typical women think...that you could make little "adjustments" and tweaks this guy into the "perfect partner"...but it never works, hell, maybe women just like the project because they never seem interested in giving up into the the entire things is standing on one tiny leg.

 

You can't "fix" his sex-drive...this didn't just happen overnight, this has been the way it's ALWAYS been...what makes you think he's got anything else in him?

 

He isn't romantic...I mean for crying out loud the man couldn't even have an affair because of laziness, and if a man isn't even tempted by a beautiful woman because of sheer laziness, why in the world would he have the raw desire and need to be with you? relationships can become stale and the "same ole thing" but the guy was never impassioned from the beginning...what exactly do you want him to change into? it's unrealistic whatever it is.

 

The man can't even perform on the basic level, he might even getting his rocks off to porn out of his laziness...realistically you'd probably experience more passion with another man in 5 mins than you will in the entire next 5 years with your husband.

 

Anyway, I know you made this decision to be with this guy for some reason...and I very much doubt it's "love", you seem like the type that just end up together because it's financially sound and it just makes "sense" and probably too lazy and dull to push the walls of your little tiny box of a marriage.

 

Chances are you need a miracle worker, not doctor.

 

My response aside, I do appreciate your response. It seems a bit harsh in all honesty, but it makes me thing about things...

Posted

You are too young to be in this situation. You are going to have a lllooonnngggg time of little sex, it's not like you're in your late 60's, where you may think there's no point in starting over.

 

If he doesn't think it's a problem, then it won't change. Its like dealing with an alcoholic. Things will go from bad to worse if YOU don't do something about it. I wouldn't take kindly to him putting all the blame on me and threatening to tell all it was your fault if you divorced. That's manipulation and I suspect he knows the frequency of sex is way too low, hence he just wants you to keep quiet and not upset the status quo.

 

If your family truly love you, they wouldn't want you in an unhappy marriage regardless of their views on divorce. One of my siblings was so unhappy and there was never divorce in our family. We tried to help, we made suggestions but their spouse refused to change and we could no longer continue to see our sibling unhappy and tearful because they were in the marriage. How selfish it would be to try and insist they stayed just because of the kids or because we didn't want them to divorce.

 

 

Bringing children into your marriage like it is would be a definite NO for me.

Posted

So you're still a young woman, attractive, with a good income and no children. Your husband is not going to change. From what you've written and from the advice given on here your best option is divorce.

 

Stay with this man and in 10 years you may have one or two children, a curtailed career (as you become the homemaker - may not happen but often does) and no sex life. You will be bitter, resentful and angry. Divorce at this point will be doable but so much harder.

 

Once you meet someone new and have a real, brilliant sex life you'll wonder why you stuck it out for so long.

  • Like 1
Posted

Apart from the sex and the fact that you love him, how do you get on?

Is it a give and take marriage?

Are there loads of fights or disagreements?

Who wears the trousers?

What is it like generally?

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
Apart from the sex and the fact that you love him, how do you get on?

Is it a give and take marriage?

Are there loads of fights or disagreements?

Who wears the trousers?

What is it like generally?

 

Thank you for your response Elaine.

 

I would say we each have different perspectives as to who does the "giving" and "taking" in this relationship, however, he would probably say that overall he sacrifices more for me. For example, he will be fine one moment, and then when we get into these conversations about sex, he will remind me of things he's "done for me," i.e. waiting for me to finish school before we got married, sacrificing living in a nice house in the suburbs to live in the city, making more money than me, not having children yet. Interestingly, these are all things we discussed before we got married, and decided we'd enjoy living in the city and without children for a long time, if forever. I think his anger is another issue that coincides with this.

 

That said, I do generally do the things that I like. He's not controlling in that regard. For example, we are both independent and social, have our own bank accounts, I see my friends and family often and go on "girls" trips, and he is able to do the same, etc.

 

I think sex is clearly the issue and if I bring it up, he explodes, and points out any and all of my shortcomings. It can be very frustrating. We can go weeks without arguing, but then I can almost guarantee we will have a huge argument

about every 4-6 weeks, and sometimes several within a few days until it goes back to normal.

 

Is this normal?!? How often would everyone say they have big fights with their partners/spouses? Are little spats the norm, or big ones. By big, I mean they can be explosive, and then we don't talk for a day. They haven't gone on much longer than that, but he does make me feel guilty for them and usually I give in by suggesting we move on.

  • Author
Posted

Hi everyone,

 

My husband had a breakthrough a few days ago (hopefully). We discussed things, he agreed that he has a problem, lack of interest in sex wise and temper wise. After speaking to someone on my own, this person suggested we go and see a naturopath. I suggested this, and he said if I went and said it was good, he would go to. What are your thoughts on this? It may be a momentary comprise, but I felt like it was something...

  • Author
Posted
So you're still a young woman, attractive, with a good income and no children. Your husband is not going to change. From what you've written and from the advice given on here your best option is divorce.

 

Stay with this man and in 10 years you may have one or two children, a curtailed career (as you become the homemaker - may not happen but often does) and no sex life. You will be bitter, resentful and angry. Divorce at this point will be doable but so much harder.

 

Once you meet someone new and have a real, brilliant sex life you'll wonder why you stuck it out for so long.

 

I understand what you're saying Jack, and you are absolutely right, especially regarding how it could be 10 years from now. I do want that brilliant sex life, but it is still very hard to follow through...

Posted

does he look at porn or jack off regularly? Because if he does I would say he has some kind of sexual addiction..

  • Author
Posted
does he look at porn or jack off regularly? Because if he does I would say he has some kind of sexual addiction..

 

Not that I know of, I discussed this in my first post. I've never caught him looking at porn on his computer or phone, seen it in his history, or anything like that. We've been on vacation and when we flip to the porn channels, he looks for a minute and then changes the channel. I've asked him if he masturbates, and he just doesn't respond. And as I also mentioned, I don't know how many people he's slept with (he's never responded when I've asked), or met anyone that he's dated/slept with...I think he's just not interested :S

Posted

From everything you describe, I just wonder if he's gay, and for whatever reason is unwilling to come out of the closet. You said, he's too lazy to go after women and has never answered your questions about who he's previously dated. You live fairly independent lives, with you taking trips with your friends, and him doing the same.

 

Usually when someone "explodes" when you raise certain types of questions, it's because you're getting close to something they don't want you to discover. That type of reaction shuts the conversation down cold, and makes the other person (in this case you) hesitant to revisit the same line of questioning.

 

I hope I'm not offending you, but I think you need to give this possibility some serious thought.

  • Like 2
Posted

Speaking from personal experience, I was in a similar relationship. My first husband, we were together since high school, did not have much of a sex drive. Even as a teenager he was happy with just once every few weeks. As we got older, I didn't love it, but who breaks up with a good guy over sex? Based on past experience and feedback from others that just seemed like throwing the baby out with the bathwater (especially as a woman). And I would say the same thing, on paper he is/was a great pick.

 

So since we had been dating for 7 years we got married because that was what we always planned on doing. In hindsight we shouldn't have but not even the minister suggested anything but how best to get married.

 

So we got married and we didn't have sex the first six months of our marriage outside once on our honeymoon. It didn't even cross my mind until month 4 I think. There were lots of other great parts about the relationship that things were good enough. But when I turned 30, my sex drive ramped up, and it was no longer adequate. I tried to discuss with him, to spice things, up, etc. but he was not interested in discussing. He also had duration issues, had since the beginning, and was embarrassed to discuss it.

 

So, with that and other conflict avoiding concerns and lack of desire to meet me half way, I left. I just could no longer settle for a really great friendship and nothing else for a marriage.

 

I think we are both much happier divorced, it was an amicable divorce and he is happily remarried. It was a square peg round hole issue. I can't say I didn't know, I did, but I had a right to no longer find it acceptable and he had a right to decide not to change it.

  • Like 1
Posted

Even if his family jewels were literally made of gold his behavior is sh*tty. I'm not sure having more frequent sex with him would be worth it. With the way he treats you the sex wouldn't ever feel great.

 

Yes, clonazepam will nuke sex drive. It's a poison in my experience. I personally believe it takes two years to get over but it's been longer than that for him.

 

He needs help. Individual counseling not just a medical doc.

Posted
Hi everyone,

 

My husband had a breakthrough a few days ago (hopefully). We discussed things, he agreed that he has a problem, lack of interest in sex wise and temper wise. After speaking to someone on my own, this person suggested we go and see a naturopath. I suggested this, and he said if I went and said it was good, he would go to. What are your thoughts on this? It may be a momentary comprise, but I felt like it was something...

 

No. For an issue such as this I wouldn't do anything less than see a medical doctor for a full workup and possibly a shrink.

 

I'm 39. My husband is the same age. We have sex about 5-6 times a week. Less than 3 times a week and I get ansty. I think the longest we've gone without being intimate was when the kids were born and I was healing. Even then, we went ahead and did it a few weeks before getting official medical clearance. If we were to go more than a couple weeks without sex it had better be because of a medical condition or a separation due to work/family obligations.

 

Now, DH and I have been together for 15 years, married 12. We have 3 kids, with two being teens and the eldest being in her 20's and on her own. Between kids and dogs (we have 3) along with work, finances, and other life stresses, I'd say we have a big argument every couple months and a small spat about once every week or two.

 

I wouldn't call my DH a romantic, he's the practical sort, but we do hold hands when we're out, go to dinner and movies together, kiss and nuzzle in the morning, when he leaves, when he comes home, when we're sitting on the couch, when I'm cooking dinner, and so on. We regularly kick the kids to their rooms, light some incense and candles, and talk for a bit over wine or a mixed drink and move on to lovemaking. This kind of evening is usually once a week, sometimes more if we're inspired or he's got time off of work.

 

So, to answer your earlier question, the fighting and lack of affection and lack of sex are NOT normal in my opinion.

 

If you love each other and he is willing to do whatever he needs to do to increase his sex drive (diet, exercise, therapy, see a MD, etc) than I think it's worth working it out.

 

If he refuses to make some changes such as no longer blaming you for his inadequacies, being more affectionate, being more demonstrative, being more communicative, and seeing a doctor and therapist, than I'd leave and file asap.

 

I know you've cited your family. I come from a conservative catholic family, so I get it. And I've been divorced. Then I remarried. When they gave me static over it I simply told them to mind their own business and that I had a right to live my life as I saw fit. After all, this is my one shot at life and I am not about to be miserable for decades because someone else has an opinion.

 

 

I know he said he'd run your name through the mud. Fine. But remind him you can also blab. How'd he feel if you simply told everyone and their cousin that you left him because he has a limp dick and the sex drive of a eunuch? Talking smack works both ways. I'm sure he'd be happy to keep his mouth shut if you let him know you could open yours.

 

If you stay in a miserable marriage you don't get to blame your family or the worry that he will gossip. You're an adult fully free and capable of making your own decisions. If family and friends don't like it they can kick rocks. If you stay it's because you want to and for other reason.

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Posted

This doesn't sound like a medical issue to me.

 

I think I'd use a keylogger on the laptop, VAR in car, tracker etc. Treat it like he was having an affair. After a couple of weeks you may find out what floats his boat sex-wise or if he is gay.

 

Don't want to throw water on your fire, but I don't think the treatment will work. He is buying time. 6 months from now see how things have improved. My guess will be not a lot!

  • Like 2
Posted
Hi everyone,

 

My husband had a breakthrough a few days ago (hopefully). We discussed things, he agreed that he has a problem, lack of interest in sex wise and temper wise. After speaking to someone on my own, this person suggested we go and see a naturopath. I suggested this, and he said if I went and said it was good, he would go to. What are your thoughts on this? It may be a momentary comprise, but I felt like it was something...

 

 

Whats a Naturpapth?

 

Why not a doctor and get his testosterone and estradiol levels measured?

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