absogle Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 (edited) My girlfriend of 11 months recently dumped me. Her reasons were mostly a long list of very small problems. Things like I complain too much when we go to things that I didn't want to go to, that I'm not romantic enough, that I don't take certain things seriously enough. She left the door open for a reconciliation (I think?) by saying "Let's just take some time to think about everything and figure out what we want." Normally, if the break up was for a more concrete "I don't want to be in a relationship right now" reason, I would understand that this is over and I should move on, but she didn't say anything like that. She told how much she cares about me and that she ultimately wants to be with me, but she was tired of not getting what she wanted out of the relationship. She is going out of town for New Year's Eve and I will most likely give her space, at least through the long weekend. My question is, what can I do to show her that I know I took her for granted and want to be a better boyfriend for her? I thought having flowers sent to her work next week could be kind of romantic, but I fully understand that is literally the most cliche thing ever. I also considered writing her a long note detailing exact things that I know I need to work on and would be willing to. I just want her to know that I will be the guy she deserves, but I want a way to SHOW her that instead of just telling her. Any suggestions? Thanks. Edited December 31, 2014 by absogle Typos
Gloria25 Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Dude, I give her kudos cuz she gave you something to work with. I mean, she really articulated what was bugging her and that's ten times better then a general "I don't want to be in a RL now" or "It's me, not you" thing. I don't know if you can make it up. I mean she gave you 11 months and you are who you are. When we date, we take time (hopefully 1 1/2 to 2 years of actual "dating" - not friends, shacking up, working together) to figure out if that person's got what you're looking for. So, I'm assuming in the 11 months, she evaluated you and you're not what she's looking for. If she does give you a chance, then yeah, I think the only way you'll win her back is by actions. BTW, did she just sandbag you with all this? Or, over the RL she gave you clues and/or raised these issues before?
Author absogle Posted December 31, 2014 Author Posted December 31, 2014 We had gotten into an argument over the holidays about something stupid that just escalated into a "straw the broke the camels back" ordeal. I agree with her that I wasn't the best boyfriend. I also understand that I shouldn't have let it get this far and that she deserved better than I was giving her. I just can't figure out the right way to try and show her that. I certainly am not just going to give up and assume we're done, though.
Gloria25 Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Well, you can ask for one more chance but if she says "no" then I recommend you respect her decision - cuz, again, based on what you've posted I think she's given this well thought and 11 months have gone by for her to evaluate you.
Author absogle Posted December 31, 2014 Author Posted December 31, 2014 My logic is: If I do nothing, I am going to lose her. If I do SOMETHING, the worst case scenario is that I will lose her. But there's also a chance that I could begin fixing the relationship.
aggie382 Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Her reasons were mostly a long list of very small problems. Things like I complain too much when we go to things that I didn't want to go to, that I'm not romantic enough, that I don't take certain things seriously enough. These are not 'very small problems.' They're a pretty big deal! My question is, what can I do to show her that I know I took her for granted and want to be a better boyfriend for her? And it seems you know it. Taking her for granted is a pretty big problem. Give her space, and when when you reconnect, tell her all the ways you failed and ask for the chance to show her that you can be better. Then actually be better. Actions speak louder than words.
d0nnivain Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 This is the problem with the specific list of reasons why you broke up. The dumpee thinks if they "fix" those things, all will be forgiven & things will go back to normal. It doesn't work like that. The whole package of who you are, which was composed of those "little issues" is who she no longer wants to date. Had she given you some warning in the relationship, you might have been able to make changes, like being more romantic, but now after she's gone, you don't really have the ability to fix it. That said, since she complained that you are not romantic enough & you want to try to win her back, the grand romantic gesture is your best bet. How that plays out in your relationship is personal to you but it doesn't always have to be expensive . . . think boom box over the head (or whatever that scene was from the 80s romantic comedy, Say Anything)
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