truncated Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 This is a question for spouse's who had a spouse cheat because they claimed the maraige was sexless. (a) Was your marraige truly sexless? If not, how often did you have sex? (b) Did you wnat to have sex with your spouse? © If you didn"t have sex, why? Was it you, him/her or something else? - I'm looking for those with first hand experince, not second hand information told by someone else
autumnnight Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Do you consider a marriage with sex twice a year and then none for years sexless? Do you assume it's the spouse's own fault they aren't getting sex? Do you consider sex important?
Author truncated Posted December 31, 2014 Author Posted December 31, 2014 It depends upon the people involved. In some cases, yes, it is the perosn's fault if they aren't getting sex. Pleasenote that I am not sayng all, but some. To assume otherwise is looking at the situation from only one angle. For some couples, sex twice a year would not be a sexless marrigae, though for most, it would be. Of course it's important, but so are a lot of other things, and these all tie in together, and feed off one another to form a strong relationship. It's hard to have one without the other, and this goes both ways.
Got it Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 My first marriage had been pretty sexless. I can't speak for him but based on our discussions and my experience, that had been the "norm" for us. We had been together since high school and outside of the first year we didn't have sex that often. In fact, when we did marry, we didn't have sex for the first 6 months outside of once on the honeymoon. He wouldn't have sex two days in a row (that had promoted many discussions as I would compare my drive more like a diesel engine and so slow to start but then will stay running for awhile. ) I had promoted many discussions about our sex life to no avail. He shut down on the conversations and would never provide much enlightenment. He would watch porn but I wouldn't say excessively nor did it ever bother me. I don't know, just one area of our relationship that was not satisfactory for me but wasn't something that was "new". Just got worse as the years went on. And even the act wasn't good. There were duration/sensitivity issues that never allowed it to last long but that was there from the beginning. It was okay when everything else was more than enough. But when I hit 30, my sex drive ramped up and became glaringly not okay. But no interest in discussing. The lack of discussing was an issue in many areas (though on the flip side I have been accused of wanting to discuss things to death so probably a little of both). These things aren't just solo issues, they are wrapped up in many other areas that can enhance or minimize the importance. Ultimately my issues were the lack of opening up to discuss, meeting me halfway in trying to resolve it, and not sticking one's head in the sand. 1
autumnnight Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 a) Was your marraige truly lacking conversation and family commitment? If not, how often did you have conversations and family commitment? (b) Did you wnat to have conversations and family commitment with your spouse? © If you didn"t have conversations and family commitment, why? Was it you, him/her or something else? I changed these questions because most of the women who think sex is silly and assume whoever isn't getting sex is to blame for their own pain would NEVER treat conversation or family commitment or financial security or a man being there for her with the same flippant disdain.
Author truncated Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 a) Was your marraige truly lacking conversation and family commitment? If not, how often did you have conversations and family commitment? (b) Did you wnat to have conversations and family commitment with your spouse? © If you didn"t have conversations and family commitment, why? Was it you, him/her or something else? I changed these questions because most of the women who think sex is silly and assume whoever isn't getting sex is to blame for their own pain would NEVER treat conversation or family commitment or financial security or a man being there for her with the same flippant disdain. I'm sorry that this has hit a nerve for you, but there are men and women out there who may be able to provide some feedback that could be useful. Saying "my spouse doens't want sex, and that's the only thing that matters" without knowing why they don't, is only telling one side. As for your questions, they are valid, and if asked, I would be interested to see the answers. Maybe husband doesn;t do those things because his wife is a total nag to him and treats him like a paycheque and nothing more. Just because someone asks a question, that doesn't make them flippant.
Author truncated Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 My first marriage had been pretty sexless. I can't speak for him but based on our discussions and my experience, that had been the "norm" for us. We had been together since high school and outside of the first year we didn't have sex that often. In fact, when we did marry, we didn't have sex for the first 6 months outside of once on the honeymoon. He wouldn't have sex two days in a row (that had promoted many discussions as I would compare my drive more like a diesel engine and so slow to start but then will stay running for awhile. ) I had promoted many discussions about our sex life to no avail. He shut down on the conversations and would never provide much enlightenment. He would watch porn but I wouldn't say excessively nor did it ever bother me. I don't know, just one area of our relationship that was not satisfactory for me but wasn't something that was "new". Just got worse as the years went on. And even the act wasn't good. There were duration/sensitivity issues that never allowed it to last long but that was there from the beginning. It was okay when everything else was more than enough. But when I hit 30, my sex drive ramped up and became glaringly not okay. But no interest in discussing. The lack of discussing was an issue in many areas (though on the flip side I have been accused of wanting to discuss things to death so probably a little of both). These things aren't just solo issues, they are wrapped up in many other areas that can enhance or minimize the importance. Ultimately my issues were the lack of opening up to discuss, meeting me halfway in trying to resolve it, and not sticking one's head in the sand. Do you think it is something that talking about would have helped, or were you just too different on this issue? I agree 100% that sex and a whole lot of other thinsg go hand in hand, and it's hard to have one without the other. From other posts you have made, it sounds like you have both found someone more compatible with your needs. do you feel like you can easily talk to your new spouse about the "big stuff"?
dichotomy Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 FYI - From Wikipedia A sexless marriage is a marriage in which little or no sexual activity occurs between the two spouses. The US National Health and Social Life Survey in 1994 (Laumann et al. 1994) found that 2% of the married respondents reported no sexual intimacy in the past year. The definition of a non-sexual marriage is often broadened to include those where sexual intimacy occurs less than ten times per year, in which case 20 percent of the couples in the National Health and Social Life Survey would be in the category. Newsweek magazine estimates that 15 to 20 percent of couples are in a sexless relationship.[1] Studies show that 10% or less of the married population below age 50 have not had sex in the past year. In addition less than 20% report having sex a few times per year, or even monthly, under the age 40.[2]
SolG Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 My marriage was pretty much sexless--as in no sex at all--for the last year or so before we separated. It wasn't a mismatched libido issue; I just wasn't attracted to him anymore. And I wasn't attracted to him because we no longer had a connection. And we no longer had a connection because we didn't work on maintaining our relationship as a couple. Just so much else to do with work, and our daughter and life in general that we kinda let that one through to the keeper to the great detriment of our relationship. I've always been horny in the mornings. I remember waiting for him to go shower so I could masturbate. He was probably doing the same thing in there. For me sex is vitally important. I believe that it is certainly an indicator of relationship health. All the literature tells that sex isn't really an issue when you are having it, but is certainly becomes a big one when you aren't!
Got it Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Do you think it is something that talking about would have helped, or were you just too different on this issue? I agree 100% that sex and a whole lot of other thinsg go hand in hand, and it's hard to have one without the other. From other posts you have made, it sounds like you have both found someone more compatible with your needs. do you feel like you can easily talk to your new spouse about the "big stuff"? I definitely tried to talk about it. Trust me, talking is not an issue for me! But it takes two people interested/open to discussing. That was a major issue for us, I would talk, he would shut down. We just never figured out how to communicate. I didn't feel heard, he thought I beat things into the ground. What would kill me was he would "yes" me, basically tell me anything to get me to stop, and then would not do it. It was passive aggressive and conflict avoidant. I got very good at telling "lies of omission" because of it. I still couldn't tell you how we could have resolved it or how I could have made it better. I never figured out the way to get him to be open and truthful on these types of things. I also realized, that I was very similar to his mother, we are both strong personalities, and he played a similar role with me that he did with her. I realized he was like my mom so we just repeated old patters over and over again. Yes, my current marriage we are very truthful and it is a high priority to be upfront and forthright on how we feel. Because of our past histories, we set forth a number of expectations from each other to keep our partnership healthy and priority. Trying to learn from our childhoods and past mistakes. So talking isn't an issue for me, probably listening is harder (actually I know it is) and not debating every topic. I get into a loop of debating something and need to check myself to just stop and listen and repeat what was said. So, yes, I think this marriage is easier to discuss issues, talk them through, and we both speak how we feel. We aren't perfect at it, goodness no, but what I appreciate is how much my husband comes back and tries every day. He puts so much energy into the relationship, into me.
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