TigerLilly78 Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 So my bf is the oldest of 9 kids most of them half siblings his mother is very irresponsible with money apparently this is well known thew out the family. Yet most of them live in a big house together still my bf use to as well before me and him got together and we found our own place. Before he left he was paying the majority of their rent as no one else in the home wants to contribute some work but just "dont feel the need to contribute" hell his moms husband his step dad doesn't even work! some how out of all the kids my bf became their "go to guy" when money was needed after it was squandered else wears. Ive recently learned to the point hes pawned his own stuff and never seen it gotten back as was promised. I thought all this **** was stopping when we got our own place cause I knew hes not happy when they do this do him but they play on his guilt strings to a T. well I guess not his mother has just asked him for money tonight to stop their eviction mind you while me and my bf was still there he gave her near a grand in rent and he found out later none of it ever went to the rent hence them falling so far behind I guess. So this kind of shenanigans has been a on going situation they always ask him if they need cash that said today she asks for a decent amount of cash (in the hundreds) he immediately starts feeling bad over this and says we will have to cancel a trip we had planned in Jan if he gives her this money! not only that but I point out to him that it will take us right up to just about broke for the first few weeks after we take care of our own bills and food and so on. Basically if this happens im going to have to pretty much carry us until his next pay check and that pisses me off to end! cause its not that this is a one off they need help cause something came up some one lost a job or so on they have known the land lord wanted them out since SEPT! 3 month's they have had to find a way out of this.. It the fact shes always asking him for large amounts of cash like we have no bills or no right to want to do anything other then funnel cash into their self made sinking boat over there..I tried to inject some reality into the situation today by saying if we bail them out its just going to happen again in a few weeks/month's but in the end he got annoyed with me. I dont know what to do at this point how can I have a future with a man who will constantly be baling out his entire lazy user family? I just dont know what to do I thought about telling them off but not to sure if thats the best idea..im at my wits end! support him as he allows himself to be used as a financial door mat? I love him but that feels insane! 1
Cynicalme Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 (edited) Well, you obviously see the writing on the wall, and he's not going to change. Send him back home, get a roommate, and a new boyfriend. This. Will. NOT. Get. Better. And if you stay, kwitcherbitchin. ETA: I don't mean to be so rough, but there is nothing YOU can do except tell your bf you can't live with this situation. What he does next should determine whether or not to end the relationship. Edited December 31, 2014 by Cynicalme 1
Author TigerLilly78 Posted December 31, 2014 Author Posted December 31, 2014 (edited) Well, you obviously see the writing on the wall, and he's not going to change. Send him back home, get a roommate, and a new boyfriend. This. Will. NOT. Get. Better. And if you stay, kwitcherbitchin. ETA: I don't mean to be so rough, but there is nothing YOU can do except tell your bf you can't live with this situation. What he does next should determine whether or not to end the relationship. Im venting not bitching bitching would be to nag him about the situation ive never said anything about it as hes denied most of her attempts to drain us since we moved. But this time shes playing the eviction card and thats hitting him in his guilt spot I guess. I know what you mean I can't change him im wondering if talking to her/them would make any difference tho? Maybe if I showed some resistance or at least told them this upsets him if that would make any difference I dont know..hence my frustrations and asking /venting here..Edit to add other then this things are pretty good with us and were rather happy so to throw it away just for this one issue seams silly in a way.. Edited December 31, 2014 by TigerLilly78
gaius Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 It might help to communicate your disgust with the situation a little more clearly. Not going to win a war against a serial manipulator by being nice and sitting on the sidelines. =/ My mom doesn't even know I'm working or else my phone would be ringing with sob stories. I've watched her accept a 500 dollar check from my grandmother before and literally not 5 minutes will go by before she's talking about how she has no money again. In front of my grandmother. One thing though, nobody is perfect and I'm sure there are things about you that annoy him. If the behavior continues before you do anything hasty at least think it over first and make sure breaking up is really what you want. 1
WonderKid Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 First of all. The guy needs to wake the **** up. I was almost like him until I started telling my folks I am not an ATM. They thought I was kidding until they asked again and I said no. You need to talk to him. Because even though his family comes first, you and him are living together. Which means "his" bills come first. Sit him down and tell him. Point out the CHF (Cold Hard Facts). No one is telling you to abandon your family, but if you want to give out money like that then you need to go live with them. What if you get married? One he's your husband, you're the top woman in his life. Will he understand that? Give him to CHF. If he wants to support them, tell him to make sure he sets the money upfront for bills and rent. The rest of his entertainment money--or whatever it is--he can use that for his family. And when his money goes dry, don't supply him with much. He's either gotta learn or not. 2
Cynicalme Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Maybe if I showed some resistance or at least told them this upsets him if that would make any difference I dont know..hence my frustrations and asking /venting here..Edit to add other then this things are pretty good with us and were rather happy so to throw it away just for this one issue seams silly in a way.. No, you stay out of it. It's not your place to talk to them... but it is your place to talk to him, from the viewpoint of how it affects YOU and your budget and sacrifices that you shouldn't be made to endure (vacation and whatever else). 4
Author TigerLilly78 Posted December 31, 2014 Author Posted December 31, 2014 It might help to communicate your disgust with the situation a little more clearly. Not going to win a war against a serial manipulator by being nice and sitting on the sidelines. =/ My mom doesn't even know I'm working or else my phone would be ringing with sob stories. I've watched her accept a 500 dollar check from my grandmother before and literally not 5 minutes will go by before she's talking about how she has no money again. In front of my grandmother. One thing though, nobody is perfect and I'm sure there are things about you that annoy him. If the behavior continues before you do anything hasty at least think it over first and make sure breaking up is really what you want. Oh I have expressed my disgust with this situation to him every time hes gotten a begging text witch is usually at least one a month. And today even more so! yeah that sounds like his mom to a T I had the unpleasant experience of going Xmas shopping with him and his mother for his sisters kids. it got obnoxious after a while less like trying to help and more like begging if that makes sense? I never even mentioned this to him as its not his fault and I didn't want to make him feel bad. He wasn't feeding into it neither of us was but she just kept at it even telling us things she "wished she could get" by the end of the day I was about ready to scream.. Oh im sure there are things about me that might annoy him but I always make sure the finances are settled our rent and bills/food get paid thats what annoyed me this situation could affect us negatively in that way.. First of all. The guy needs to wake the **** up. I was almost like him until I started telling my folks I am not an ATM. They thought I was kidding until they asked again and I said no. You need to talk to him. Because even though his family comes first, you and him are living together. Which means "his" bills come first. Sit him down and tell him. Point out the CHF (Cold Hard Facts). No one is telling you to abandon your family, but if you want to give out money like that then you need to go live with them. What if you get married? One he's your husband, you're the top woman in his life. Will he understand that? Give him to CHF. If he wants to support them, tell him to make sure he sets the money upfront for bills and rent. The rest of his entertainment money--or whatever it is--he can use that for his family. And when his money goes dry, don't supply him with much. He's either gotta learn or not. I know I learned they text him three more times as he was trying to sleep this afternoon for work it just pisses me off that even after he left they just keep at it like you say hes the family ATM.. he knows this hes annoyed like I am but hes also torn and prob a little programed to allow this my one friend compared it to Stockholm syndrome and it sort of made sense even tho people are hurting and using you ya still need them the fact its family makes that even harder. After I calmed down a little tonight I tried to talk more sense into him he said they think "oh you guys have such a nice house and everything you must have extra cash" ah no we have it because we pay for it nothing is handed to us for free morons.. I think I got thu some what so hopefully he will stand up this time and not allow them to use him..I feel bad but what can you do when people refuse to help themselves? 1
hoping2heal Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 One of my very good longtime friends moved back here recently with her husband. They had moved out of state to be near his family when his Dad got some bad health news. Prior to my friend and him dating, his family was the exact same way as what you are talking about here. I have gotten an earful and then some about the resentment that grew over time because of what was going on. In fact, she nearly ended her marriage over it just because she wanted to have children and a family of their own but felt it was never going to happen because of the dynamic her hubby was caught up in. They literally had to leave the state to get away (LOL) from his family and their crapola. I can understand why this is so upsetting for you and when it becomes a matter of having to use YOUR finances to float the two of you because he's spending his money to bail out the family...yikes. It is not your boyfriends job to support able bodied adults financially, whether they are related or not. Certainly, you two shouldn't be living in financial strain at the cost of supporting them. You need to have a serious discussion about this dynamic and its effect on you and the relationship. I have no doubts you will end up just as resentful and angry as my friend if this keeps on. 2
hoping2heal Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 I dont know what to do at this point how can I have a future with a man who will constantly be baling out his entire lazy user family? I just dont know what to do I thought about telling them off but not to sure if thats the best idea..im at my wits end! support him as he allows himself to be used as a financial door mat? I love him but that feels insane! The hard answer is you cannot have one. That would be horrible if it came to that but that might be what it comes down to. What he is doing is wrong. He might feel obligated or like its the right thing to do, but he's not just throwing himself under the bus he is doing the same to you too- because he's expecting YOU to live in financial strain now in order to fund them. I don't think he is going to find any decent woman who is going to put up with that either. 1
Diezel Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 You dump him. When he cancels a trip to give them money, two things are happening: #1: He is a massive enabler to his family. #2: He is consistently picking them over you. At what point do you think that he is going to realize he needs to switch his way of thinking. As the oldest, he feels ALL of the burden of his family. He probably even splits how he feels between you and them but he's OBVIOUSLY picking them. You aren't seeing that. You aren't seeing the bigger picture. You can speak to him, but all he is going to hear is "CHOOSE THEM OR ME" when I know in reality, that's not what you are going to say. He might live with you, but his LIFE is still with them. You can go tell them off, and then what? They're still going to ask him for money, and probably with greater frequency. They obviously don't care about your relationship with him. And he obviously cares more about enabling his family than he cares about plans with you. So... why should you care? 2
Author TigerLilly78 Posted December 31, 2014 Author Posted December 31, 2014 (edited) So he didn't give in to them and im really proud of him he got paid and instead we took care of our needs and things for our home. In a way I feel bad if what they were saying is true and they do get evicted but what can you do when grown adults will not help themselves? We have our own rent in a few days and no one will pay it for us.. I hope they dont pester him like I say IF it happens there has been times they have asked for money they "needed" and turned out they got it anyways when he said no surprise surprise so wonder if its need it or just want it from some one else so they can spend their money on other things?..ether way im really happy he stood up to them on this hopefully it will end them asking in the future..Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply and listen to me vent.. Edited December 31, 2014 by TigerLilly78 1
WonderKid Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 So he didn't give in to them and im really proud of him he got paid and instead we took care of our needs and things for our home. In a way I feel bad if what they were saying is true and they do get evicted but what can you do when grown adults will not help themselves? We have our own rent in a few days and no one will pay it for us.. I hope they dont pester him like I say IF it happens there has been times they have asked for money they "needed" and turned out they got it anyways when he said no surprise surprise so wonder if its need it or just want it from some one else so they can spend their money on other things?..ether way im really happy he stood up to them on this hopefully it will end them asking in the future..Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply and listen to me vent.. Don't ever feel bad it's the price of living. It's either you being out on the streets or spoon-feeding them. Whatever money he has left (for himself) he can give to them. But when it's money for you two i.e. for dates, trips, saving, personal budgeting, then you need to make sure that is pocketed within your household. At this point, there is major room for being selfish. 2
Author TigerLilly78 Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 (edited) I am sympathetic for genuinely less fortunate but these people have just not tried nor budgeted because frankly they just didn't have to my bf was there to save them or who ever else. They don't work cause honestly they haven't had to the mom dose but between her mismanaging the funds and no one else helping on a consistent basis its a lost cause. So I learned there was a blow out when he told her he couldn't help cause we have bills of out own and she apparently disowned him It makes me feel so bad to hear that. his one other sister told her no and told my bf she had the money but just wasn't going to give it to her I applaud her. But my bf is so programed he said shes no better then the ones asking for the money cause she has it but wouldn't give it. Thats so sad hes this programed I prob could have scraped it up but like I said it would have taken us short. I really dislike his mother right now but am sitting back and just supporting him in the background. I said if they are really in the street they can come here for a week or so until they get a place. I thought that was a decent gesture that seamed to make him feel better. If it comes to it witch I don't think it will I would prob be living in our room for that week so I don't tell the bitch off to her face im so angry right now... Edited January 1, 2015 by TigerLilly78
FitChick Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Have they applied for welfare and food stamps?
Author TigerLilly78 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 (edited) Have they applied for welfare and food stamps? Yes I believe they get food stamps..edit to add the mother dose work her husband doesn't half the house doesn't and the ones who do dont feel the need to contribute 90% of the time.. Edited January 2, 2015 by TigerLilly78
hoping2heal Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 So he didn't give in to them and im really proud of him he got paid and instead we took care of our needs and things for our home. In a way I feel bad if what they were saying is true and they do get evicted but what can you do when grown adults will not help themselves? We have our own rent in a few days and no one will pay it for us.. I hope they dont pester him like I say IF it happens there has been times they have asked for money they "needed" and turned out they got it anyways when he said no surprise surprise so wonder if its need it or just want it from some one else so they can spend their money on other things?..ether way im really happy he stood up to them on this hopefully it will end them asking in the future..Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply and listen to me vent.. While I understand the natural inclination as who wants to see someone get evicted...maybe that is what those people need to wake the heck up and take care of themselves. It reminds me of the saying "the hungriest will always eat" which just means that if a person needs something badly enough, they will find a way to meet those needs. People in all kinds of circumstances go to work or school, or both in order to make rent and bills. Good for your BF for standing up to them. I think they will still try to ask quite a few times but you know what? If he starts saying NO to them consistently? They are going to learn to either ask someone else or go out and get jobs and take care of themselves like they should be doing. 3
WonderKid Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 I'll tell you right now--and lord knows I love my mom and sister--they are the two most important women in my life. But if they "let" themselves get evicted when I "know" they are very capable of taking care of their business, no way in hell I'd feel bad if they got kicked out their place. That's what they get. And his folks have food stamps too!? It couldn't be me! I'm not giving nobody hard cash and they have food stamps (and I'm paying cash for my food) they'd be selling me the food stamps: $50 for $100 in food stamps is how we do it. 1
Author TigerLilly78 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 Yeah I do believe one of the sisters dose give a good amount of food stamps again when she feels like it or is budged enough my bf told me. We thought they had taken care of the rent since sept but I guess over the holidays they fell behind again but I think its been longer since then if their to the point of removal heck maybe the LL just wants them out at this point.. I saw they still have their 60-70 something inch tv in the living room last time I was there bf just looked at me when I said they should sell it to help get some of the money together. I must have come off as a heartless bitch that morning but yeah I really dont understand that kind of mindset or the one in were you enable people like this even if they are family..
WonderKid Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 If they get put out, and they suggest to come over and stay, say no. If your BF doesn't like it, he can go with them. You're not being heartless. You're being responsible. It's a difference.
Diezel Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Stop offering things that you don't really want to see through. It's "nice", but let's be honest, you are inviting a world of hurt if that situation comes through. And I get that you feel bad and he feels bad, but in time, that feeling will fade away. They are NEVER going to stop asking him for money until he CONTINUALLY breaks the cycle. Sure, they disowned him NOW, but they'll be back with a new situation. They will try again just to see if they can get away with it. There's quite the difference between people less fortunate struggling through life but TRYING to make a change, but these people are not that. They deserve no pity nor sympathy. They actively know what they are doing and it's dreadful. Sad part is, this is something you'll always have to deal with.
Author TigerLilly78 Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 (edited) Stop offering things that you don't really want to see through. It's "nice", but let's be honest, you are inviting a world of hurt if that situation comes through. And I get that you feel bad and he feels bad, but in time, that feeling will fade away. They are NEVER going to stop asking him for money until he CONTINUALLY breaks the cycle. Sure, they disowned him NOW, but they'll be back with a new situation. They will try again just to see if they can get away with it. There's quite the difference between people less fortunate struggling through life but TRYING to make a change, but these people are not that. They deserve no pity nor sympathy. They actively know what they are doing and it's dreadful. Sad part is, this is something you'll always have to deal with. I totally get what your saying but I also have to be careful and pick my battles wisely if I want to support my bf and not come off as a mega bitch. He didn't give into the money that's a first step she threw a tantrum and disowned him surprise surprise she rang him today apparently they go to court today then we will find out if they are going to take up the offer to stay until they get a new place. Ive agreed but I have conditions a few weeks max and if they start begging in our own home im going to have a melt down on her. Bfs not overly happy ether but if I say NO and dig in im just going to be driving a wedge between me and him. Better to let them over stay their welcome as im sure they will and let him kick them out as well. Edit to add this is really the only huge issue we deal with other then this we are fairly happy so best to try and work tho it best we can then just destruct the entire relationship over it. Edited January 2, 2015 by TigerLilly78
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