mysteryscape Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Times must have changed because nothing should be assumed in dating anymore wether sex is happening or not. And now it is much as you say. And you see the results in the chaos and wreckage all around us in our erotic lives.
Rydo Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 And now it is much as you say. And you see the results in the chaos and wreckage all around us in our erotic lives. I literally have no idea what you are talking about with this one...
mysteryscape Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 It seems to be common on here for fans of the good old days to belittle the way things are done now. I dont see any reason behind it other than their particular distaste for it. There is plenty of condescension and contempt for those who would prefer the older ways. I'm not saying from you, but there's plenty from others. The presumption that the "new ways" have triumphed and are successful and that anyone who thinks otherwise is just a poor backward pathetico who should just shut up and get with the program. I would happily accept the program and maybe even get with it myself. Except I see the results, as evidenced by the perpetual stream of heartache and misery that I read in these threads. Even just contemplating the massive infection of the population with STD's -- what used to be called "venereal disease" in horror -- tells me that things have gone terribly awry.
mysteryscape Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 I literally have no idea what you are talking about with this one... The hookup culture, Tinder. The mass infection with STD's. The ever-increasing age of first marriage. The massive increase in the divorce rate (which has leveled off, to be sure). The massive increase in fatherless families which have to be supported by the welfare system. The failure of the developed countries to reproduce themselves ..... And then, just the sadness of the romantic culture, as evidenced, for example, by all the heart-rending threads here.
WomenWubber Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 I usually ask before i get intimate with someone... This is the responsible thing to do, IMO. I would be wary of having sex before I know where we stand. For all I would know, she's probably still having sex with other people and will continue to do so unless I make things clear as water. There's also the chance she doesn't take commitments seriously, which would be a signal for me to not take her seriously as well. Or maybe she's just like me and is waiting for me to have "the exclusivity talk" with her. It's apparent I'm not one to just go with the flow without a feeling of certainty, because I know what may happen if things go wrong. But too much pundering is not good either, so I like to make things clear before taking a big step. If she's not up with that, then I can just move on.
Rydo Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 I dont think you can judge relationships going by here. People aren't very likely to come on and tell us how good everything is in their relationship. Not sure you can make hookup culture a negative just because you want to. STD's are less of an issue now than they have even been. Syphilis anyone? Divorce rate increased, women in unhappy marriages decrease... Not a bad thing if you ask me. Increased age of marriage, no idea how that's bad. Fatherless families are bad, no idea if there has been a massive increase in this though. The lower birth rate is a natural thing as availability of birth control increases, I dont see that as a bad thing either, or should women be lumbered with kids they dont want?
d0nnivain Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 MrVoodoo If you want to be exclusive with this woman, somebody has to start the conversation. As the male, if you bring it up, she won't think you are weak or needy. She may be scared because it has only been a month. I suggest you have fun in London & when the time is right on the trip, talk to her. Tell her you like her (not love her). Tell her you enjoy what you currently have but you would like to move forward into an exclusive relationship but you want to know how she feels about that. Make sure you emphasize the fact that you are OK with the status quo if she doesn't want that yet. If she says, no keep dating her with no pressure. If you find out she's with other guys & you don't like that, revisit the topic. It will more likely be that she's just not ready for the label yet.
elaine567 Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 I d STD's are less of an issue now than they have even been. Syphilis anyone? Not entirely true. Hidden STD Epidemic: Maps Show Infection Rates in 50 States - Also "Many cases of STDs — such as chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis — continue to go undiagnosed and unreported, and data on several other infections — such as HPV, herpes and trichomoniasis — are not routinely reported by medical centers to the CDC. As a result, the CDC's yearly reports on sexually transmitted infections capture only a fraction of the true burden of STDs in America, the CDC says." and as for Syphilis Syphilis is on the rise again. Syphilis Cases on the Rise in US Men
Rydo Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 My point being disease isnt something new. But being able to diagnose and treat it effectively as well as certain forms of birth control make it less of an issue than in the past. I dont live in the US so I cant tell you for sure whether or not there are high rates of infection in my area. I can tell you nobody is dying in the streets of any std though.
elaine567 Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 In fact not many STDs cause death as such anyway, but many cause significant health problems especially if undiagnosed or untreated. http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Sexually-transmitted-infections/Pages/Introduction.aspx
bachdude Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 (edited) Thank you all for the feedback! So what I've detracted from most of it right now is either some viewing that its okay to go ahead, some saying I should leave it be, some saying I should definitely not ask as it is too young to be defined. I agree that with the comment above saying that exclusivity is a mutually agreed thing, especially with dating so grey in today's modern context with so many variables being involved Tinder, Online Dating etc. Anyway I planned on popping the question during our trip up to London but now I am having second thoughts, maybe I should wait and see how we both are during the duration of our trip before I make any decisions? What do you all think? Here is the conundrum. If you care about the person at all you are dating, after having sex you will have become involved with the person on a much deeper emotional level. You are now quite vulnerable so, understandably you would like a basic commitment of exclusivity. BUT, dating culture today says, at least according to some, that you can't bring this up too early, so you get stuck in this vulnerable state, "no man's land". How about this, why not say, "I really value open communication. I just wanted to let you know my intentions. For me, although we have been dating only a month, I am not interested in dating anyone else right now. I just wanted to let you know." That way you just state your intentions and don't ask for hers. See what she says and go from there. Just a thought. Edited December 31, 2014 by bachdude
elaine567 Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Is there not a big difference between "I am only having sex with you", and I want us to marry and die in each other's arms...? It seems there is an unnecessary emphasis put on "exclusivity", and a hanging back because it is "too early"? Too early for what? Or is it just an excuse for some to keep "multidating" or f**king lots of people at the same time for as long as possible, under the guise of "we are not exclusive", so it doesn't matter. Sounds like some sort of cheater/player/slut charter - a "get out of jail free" card. When in fact before being intimate, there is a pressing need for the exclusivity talk right there and then, whether that is after 6 hours or 6 years. 1
mysteryscape Posted December 31, 2014 Posted December 31, 2014 Is there not a big difference between "I am only having sex with you", and I want us to marry and die in each other's arms...? It seems there is an unnecessary emphasis put on "exclusivity", and a hanging back because it is "too early"? Too early for what? Yes, exactly -- different stages/types of commitment. I think there is an unnecessary emphasis on "exclusivity" as in people use the lack thereof in an "official" agreement as an excuse to do all kinds of hurtful and/or outrageous things.
Author mrvoodoo Posted January 1, 2015 Author Posted January 1, 2015 I feel like if I want to be serious about a girl, I dont need to wait for her to ask me if I want to be exclusive. And currently waiting/wondering for the right time to ask her isn't because im needy or I need some form of self validation, its purely because I want to make sure that I'm not wasting time, effort, or money on something that wont really be feasible. But thank you all again for your feedback and your opinions 1
Author mrvoodoo Posted February 1, 2015 Author Posted February 1, 2015 Thank you everyone for the advice! Just a quick follow-up, the girl in question and I are happily together now, and I did indeed wait a while for school to start before I asked the exclusivity question! Thanks again.
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